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“You’re not big on change, are you?” said Danny.
Nicholas turned his attention away from the static on the TV screen — Danny had grumbled about it interrupting their film but Nicholas was transfixed by it — and looked at Danny with the expression he always put on when he was confused, but apparently made everyone else think he was sad. “What makes you say that?”
Now Danny looked confused. “Don’t you remember getting in a tiz this morning because you slept through your alarm?”
Of course Nicholas remembered. He was pretty sure that was the first time he’d ever slept through an alarm. It was a memorable event. The panic he’d felt when he realised he was going to be late for work was like an electric shock, giving him all the energy he could have used to get to work quickly but instead completely wasted on pacing around the house and trying to get rid of the tingly feeling in his hands. (Which, funnily enough, felt exactly how he imagined static would feel if he could touch it.)
“I mean, it’s not a problem,” Danny went on. “I just want to … understand, I guess.”
Nicholas blinked. He’d never really explained things like this to anyone, much less been invited to do so. He didn’t even know how he could explain it. It wasn’t that he hated change — most of the time change was good, and necessary, and he could handle it as long as he was prepared. As long as he had enough time to meticulously plan his strategy for getting through it.
“I can deal with change,” he said.
“What, when you’ve been warned three weeks in advance?” said Danny.
Nicholas’s face barely moved, but now he was actually trying to express sadness. “Are you making fun of me?”
Danny looked momentarily mortified. “No, no, I wasn’t. Sorry. But … that is how it works, isn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You can deal with change when you know it’s coming, but if something happens and you’re not ready for it, you … it freaks you out a bit. Right?”
Danny’s apparent ability to read Nicholas’s mind was astonishing, and slightly spooky. Nicholas sighed, deciding it wasn’t worth trying to hide anything.
“Yeah.”
Several memories flashed through his mind in quick succession. He’d never got carsick before but he remembered feeling physically nauseous on his journey from London to Sandford, and although his first few days in the village were uneventful compared to what he was used to, he’d found it overwhelming just because it was different. He had no problem being on call to deal with crimes and collisions because after a while those became fairly repetitive, and he had specific instructions to follow in those situations. But if he woke up late or his morning run got interrupted or he missed his lunch break because he was so focused on his work that he lost track of the time, he had no idea what he was supposed to do, and trying to figure out how to make his day go back to normal was more stressful than it had any right to be.
He even remembered an incident from years and years ago when he was five or six, and his mum had practically dragged him kicking and screaming out of his pedal car because they were going on some trip they’d only planned that morning. Probably to visit his grandparents, which his mum had only explained to him on the way there.
It wasn’t long after that that Uncle Derek was arrested. He couldn’t quite remember the meltdown he’d had after he found out, but it must have been pretty big because it was what prompted his parents to get him assessed for autism. They’d been confused, because as a young child he didn’t understand what Uncle Derek had done wrong, but just knowing that he’d done anything wrong at all was enough to shatter Nicholas’s perception of him and, by association, sever his connection to the pedal car. He hadn’t known what to do with himself once he’d refused to play with it.
“Your TV really doesn’t want us to watch Die Hard,” said Danny.
“It’s old,” said Nicholas.
“You should get a digital one.”
“Then I wouldn’t get to watch this.” Nicholas nodded at the static that still filled the screen.
Danny laughed at him fondly. “You are funny, Nicholas.”
Nicholas smiled. He found it interesting that the static was annoying for Danny but calming for him. Danny was a lot more laid-back than he was when it came to change. He liked some things to be the same, of course — but he also liked to be spontaneous, and he wasn’t really bothered by things like missing alarms. Nicholas didn’t know how he did it. When they’d started living together, he was worried that Danny might find his routines restricting and either try to change them or just move back out, but he hadn’t. He’d been surprisingly patient for someone who usually approached every situation with the eagerness and excitement of a golden retriever. He let Nicholas have his routines, while also helping him step into the unknown once in a while. Nicholas, in turn, tried not to boss Danny around, but was still ready to get him back on track if he got distracted at work.
They were partners. They worked together.
Of all the changes that had ever happened in Nicholas’s life, he could confidently say that meeting Danny was the best one.