Work Text:
“your name, your face,
your scent all exactly as they were.
you know that i
i think you ruined my life yeah,
and held me,
and saved me
i really can't come to terms with it
my heart toward you empties out,
only to fill again
I'm dizzy, lost my standing before you.”
ꔛ
Present –
Sungho’s life was going great. That’s what he would say if someone bothered to ask– but if someone else asked, perhaps Riwoo, perhaps Leehan, he’d ask why.
Why he has to be checked on, why he can’t go a day without reaching out for a ghost of someone who used to be there– always there.
And maybe, that ghost was closer than he thought.
Because one day, on his way to the writer’s office for another day of sitting around with coffee and a pen twirling in his finger, writing an article or two on the occasion, he caught sight of a familiar navy blue sweater.
The sweater that he used to own, forgotten in another boy’s room, and eventually ended up lending to.
He felt weak in the knees. And not in a good, swooning, sorta way. A way that sent a punch straight to his gut, as if someone tore his kneecaps off, as if he was bleeding, tingling, on every inch of skin that no longer felt like his. He felt nauseous, maybe he was going to throw up, if it weren’t for the entirely oblivious crowd on the subway as to how much he wanted to collapse on the floor and melt into a messy, muddy, puddle.
He gripped the handle tightly and squeezed his eyes shut. But it wasn’t doing him any good as to how he still heard him– his loud, echoey, yet full voice.
“ –and you wouldn’t believe how much time I spent at my desk, working through the lyrics. Like, I think my eyes were going to fall off or my fingers were going to disintegrate..”
Sungho internally yelled at himself for choosing today of all days to forget earphones. Because maybe if he did, he might’ve avoided the darkness taking over him, sending him in another deep, far away memory of what used to be.
3 years ago – Third in University
“No seriously Sungho! It took me forever to get these lyrics done and triple checked by Taesan, you can’t just ignore me!” Jaehyun whined, sitting on Sungho’s couch, pushing multiple somewhat crumpled handwritten music lyrics along with sheet music into Sungho’s lap.
“Yeah and I totally get that. You know I’m not a music person–”
“That’s not my point! Read the lyrics, pretty please my dear Yeppi!!” Jaehyun pleaded with his best puppy eyes ever.
“And I said to stop calling me that.” Sungho replied, hesitantly picking up the papers and holding it high enough to be readable.
“And how many times do you want me to say it? That I think you’re pretty. And pretty people deserve to be called pretty. My pretty yeppi.” Jaehyun childishly said, with a higher pitch, as if he was talking to a puppy, or a cat, or something.
Sungho’s eyes scanned the lyrics, and as an english major, it’s hard to not nitpick at the random redundant lines, as if unpredictability was the key theme.
“Seriously? What kind of song has the words “cheasy, greasy, freezy, breezy back to back?” Sungho commented with a skeptical look in his eyes. Little did he know, 2 years later, he would hear that same song at work on the radio, just without another ball of warmth beside him, gloating about it.
Back to Present –
Sungho’s eyes shot open when he suddenly heard the sound of his stop. Getting off hastily, he took one last glance to where he felt the presence of his past, and caught sight of one last thing. A ring on a silver chain.
2 years ago - Final Year of University
This time, it was Sungho who was draped over Jaehyun’s bed, the sunlight peaking through his dorm blinds. Sometimes, Sungho would stay over if he had to wake up earlier the next morning, or when going off campus to his family home was too much hassle. But, there was secretly another reason.
“Hey, would you wear a ring with my name on it?” Sungho asked, shirtless and still covered in a thin layer of sweat, hair pushed back, and face lightly flushed. His fingers played with the loose strands from Jaehyun’s comforter as Jaehyun was washing his face in the bathroom.
“Huh? Is this a marriage proposal? Sorry but I don’t do relationships, yeppi.” Jaehyun hollered from the washroom, seemingly with a toothbrush in his mouth from how muffled he sounded.
Ah yes, there it is. He winced, but he expected it. He plays it off “Dude, I meant it as a friend thing. Sorry if hopping on your dick did something to your brain.” Sungho snorted, half sarcastic, half about to burst into tears. He hopes Jaehyun can’t sense the waver in his tone, the crack growing endlessly in the pit of his stomach.
“Ah, of course. I mean, why not? And yes, I think everytime I fuck you, it’s like this part of my brain is high. But not actually. I don’t do drugs.” Jaehyun responded, walking out in only boxers and seemingly ignorant of Sungho’s facade.
“Yeah yeah, I know. You think you’re a goody two shoes, but trust me, the way you act with me sucking your dick isn’t very holy, nor good.” Sungho scoffed, turning over in his bed to face the window instead. The light blinded him, so he just shut his eyes. Maybe he’ll fall asleep here, he doesn’t have morning classes today.
“Okay whatever, touché.” Jaehyun replies before picking out random clothes from his clothing rack, throwing on a watch, and waving goodbye.
Whatever this was, whatever it wasn’t, Sungho needed more. As much as he hated no labels, being treated as a friend to fuck, as much as Jaehyun ruins his life without knowing, Sungho needs Jaehyun.
But does Jaehyun need Sungho?
He doesn’t have an answer to that, because his heart gives, gives, and gives until there is nothing left. Until it is filled again by one smile, one kiss, one secret, and more than one late night connected through tongues, moans, and satisfaction.
It doesn’t matter, because Jaehyun’s arms around him always feel a little too warm.
–
Sungho never met his parents. So obviously, as a kid, he never really got along with others. He lived with his unmarried cat lady aunt, and he didn’t hate it per say – but he hated being alone most of the time. It wasn’t the loneliness of being alone, but rather, the loneliness that comes with silence. With stillness. Quietness. That might be the major reason why he was so drawn to Jaehyun in the first place. The loud, boisterous kid who had more confidence that could fit in his tiny body, who wasn’t afraid of standing out or speaking up.
So, when he suddenly showed up during recess time where Sungho would often be ridiculed for having no parents, he can’t say he was too surprised.
What really surprised Sungho is how he stayed. How he managed to fill the silence between the gaps of Sungho’s life.
Or – that was until the last day before graduation.
Up until then, it was fine. The transition from childhood to teenage life, to suddenly being torn between lust and hormones. It was fine. Going from hesitantly exploring one another to being well versed in how to pleasure one another. Not other men, but one another. Yes, they’ve both dated girls, but it was different from the exhilaration that comes with dicks rubbing against one another. Different when Jaehyun’s hands hold up Sungho’s defined arms, tongues roughly shoved down throats, little moments in school bathrooms to fucking endlessly in the pitch black dark of the night until Sungho couldn’t feel anything but his stomach curling from Jaehyun’s little growls and groans beside his ear, covered in damp dark blue checkered sheets.
Throughout all of this, they were still best friends. Inseparable.
Until–
“I never want to see you again.” Jaehyun muttered, eyes downcast, avoiding eye contact.
“What–” Sungho began, until he was quickly interrupted.
“Don’t talk to me anymore” Jaehyun reiterated, with more conviction in his tone this time.
“This isn’t funny, Jaehyun.” Sungo replied, eyes tearing up in confusion. He couldn’t understand what was going on. Jaehyun asked to talk after school, so here they are. In a familiar alleyway between their two university buildings on campus. A place reserved for quiet moments or intimate imitations of what couples typically do in sketchy areas like that. Maybe he should’ve lied and said he had a student council meeting to escape whatever this was.
“Because it isn’t meant to be! Don’t you get it?” Jaehyun argued, head raising and making eye contact. He looked serious, way more serious than Sungho thought he was capable of.
“What are you talking about? What did I do?” Sungho said, anger rising in his voice. Jaehyun is being completely illogical right now, it’s making no sense. They haven’t had a legitimate fight since childhood, where typically Jaehyun gets upset over something and avoids Sungho, which he’s had to deal with more often recently, but this time .. it was Jaehyun verbally telling him to go away.
“You wouldn’t understand.” Jaehyun scoffed, as if he was offended Sungho wouldn’t listen to him.
“How am I supposed to understand if you won’t tell me what’s wrong?” Sungho pleaded, reaching for Jaehyun’s hands.
“I– I hate you.” Jaehyun backs up, stuttering as if he was about to cry. He probably is.
“No you don’t.” Sungho firmly said, hands clenched into fists at his sides. Watching, waiting for Jaehyun to go back to normal. The same cheery, loving, and caring Jaehyun he treasures.
“And what do you know about me?” Jaehyun responded, irritated, but this weird, underlying sadness underneath his harsh words.
“That you’re a kind person. The kindest person in the world. You don’t hate for no reason.” Sungho reasons, hands gesturing, adding emphasis.
“Sungho you– don’t.. don’t say that. I’m not kind at all. I’m selfish. That’s why I need you to let go of me–” Jaehyun lost it, his tears flowed freely and he started sniffling. Sungho thought he was kind, when deep down, Jaehyun identified himself as someone selfish, greedy, and worst of all, a liar.
“Let go of you–? Jaehyun, we've been together our whole lives, how am I supposed to–” Sungho began, growing tired of this whole charade.
“Goodbye.” Jaehyun cut him off, walking away with hands in his pockets, seemingly unbothered.
Sungho watched the back of someone not only dear to him, but a part of him, walk away. He cried too, heart shattered in the most painful way possible, while Jaehyun grew farther and farther away. He won’t chase after him. Because if he did, Jaehyun would see Sungho’s heart bleeding onto his sleeve, how the love flowed out of him endlessly until his heart was empty. Only to be filled again by Jaehyun’s mere presence. But what is he going to do, now that Jaehyun’s stepped out of his life, forever?
…
Back to present –
Sungho held this dreaded feeling in him the entire day. It’s as if the ghost of Jaehyun wouldn’t stop following him everywhere he went. Despite only seeing him the morning of, it was almost as if he could spot Jaehyun everywhere he went. The cafe to pick up coffee, the newspaper articles at work, the music playing, the sweater of the girl who worked in the cubicle beside him, and even Riwoo, one of their mutual friends who naturally drifted from Jaehyun (to Sungho’s benefit), suddenly felt nostalgic and brought old memories. Everywhere Sungho lived, he would search too deeply for a boy who wasn’t there. It was unnerving how one sighting could send him spiralling into insanity like this.
“Seriously, what’s up with you today?” Riwoo asked, scrolling mindlessly though his photo album of his dogs, as per usual activity on their break.
“It’s nothing, I'm fine.” Sungho replied, clearly nervous and hesitant, he doesn’t know whether he should tell Riwoo or not. In the end, Jaehyun and Riwoo ended on good terms, and Riwoo had no knowledge of the twist of feelings between him and Jaehyun.
“Clearly not. Just say it already.” Riwoo nudged him, sliding a cup of water towards him as if it would magically allow him to loosen up. But it sorta did, the way Riwoo put his phone down and made eye contact with him. It felt a little easier, with a little more room to breathe.
“I saw Jaehyun this morning.” Sungho began, feeling a little fond and a little upset at the same time from the wistful tone that slipped in.
“No way. Myung Jaehyun? The music major who ditched the whole friend group for a top University in the States?” Riwoo gasped, pushing up his glasses in suspense. They didn’t really blame him for leaving, and no one knew the way he acted towards Sungho. He didn’t even tell Sungho in the first place of his acceptance letter. That he was leaving. For music. If he told Sungho the reason, then he would’ve fully supported him. They could’ve kept in touch, call a few times and do homework together, but no, Jaehyun chose to shut him out completely.
“Yeah. He seemed to be talking with a younger brunette, it almost looked like it was Woonhak, but I highly doubt it–”
“Wait, Woonhak messaged me the other day that he’s back in Seoul for a few months visiting family, so yeah it was probably him..” Riwoo interrupted. They didn’t exactly know Woonhak well during University, but near the end of the year before the three of them graduated, Jaehyun suddenly befriended Woonhak, a light music club member that played drums occasionally. But, as soon as they split up after University, they never really kept in touch. But, Riwoo had his socials and noticed that he moved to Japan for film making. That’s pretty cool.
Now, the two of them are here. In Seoul. Where Sungho and Riwoo live, along with Leehan and Taesan who are basically extensions of one another despite hating each other's guts during University. In a way, their old group was back together.
__
Sungho felt nostalgic and when he got back to his apartment, he went searching for old memories. Polaroids, photo strips, letters, receipts, transfer tickets, little items he scattered around his apartment as remnants from University.
So many of them were Jaehyun.
It shouldn’t be a surprise, considering how tightly bonded he thought they were.
Sungho was reading an old letter he wrote to Jaehyun complaining about a teacher who gave him a bad essay grade from forgetting to include a works cited page. That was true bullshit if you’d asked him. Jaehyun slipped a page from his notebook into Sungho’s bag after class and wrote a small “You’ll be fine” inside a drawn heart. Sungho’s was doing leaps.
*Knock knock*
Someone knocked on the door. He made his way to the door and peaked through the peephole.
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.
Jaehyun himself, at the door, fiddling with his fingers in a black hoodie, black jeans, and black cap. He was barely recognizable if he had a face mask on.
Sungho almost had a full-blown panic attack. His first instinct was to pretend no one was home, so he quickly ran to his room to hide under his blankets, but he suddenly rammed his toe into the doorframe.
“AAAIIISH–!!” Sungho sputtered.
Well, there goes that.
“Sungho? Are you there?” Jaehyun asked again, knocking softer than the first time.
Sungho may be a lot of things, but he has manners. And a semblance of respect.
He regretfully slumped his way to the door, toe stinging but not as bad as the ache in his chest swelling up, boiling to take over his body.
He shakily gripped the door knob, and opened the door.
“Jaehyun..” Sungho began, looking straight at Jaehyun. The Jaehyun he remembered. The Jaehyun he played with at recess. The Jaehyun who protected him from bullies. Jaehyun who helped him make friends besides himself for the first time. Jaehyun who called him pretty when he wore lipstick for the first time. Jaehyun who kissed him during that one school trip. Jaehyun who comforted him when his aunt passed away. The Jaehyun who slowly, calmly, and gently took his virginity, with the softest smile on his face, whispering all the lovely things in the world. The Jaehyun who understood everything and nothing about Sungho. The boy who held him, saved him, and took his heart to an unknown foreign land along with music.
“Sungho it really is– it really is you..” Jaehyun was at a loss for words, while on the other hand, Sungho was doing his very best to hold it all inside. All the insults he could throw at Jaehyun, the nostalgia of seeing him at his doorstep like a kicked puppy, the love-not-love feeling in his gut filling his lungs.
They stood in silence for a few seconds until–
Until Jaehyun fell to his knees.
Sungho blinked and in a second he did too.
Jaehyun was crying.
Uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry– Sungho.. I– I didn’t know what to do..”
“Sungho I’ve loved you since I met you and I..”
“I didn’t know what to say– since well–”
*sniffle*
“I only hurt you in the end–”
“I loved you and I left..”
“Why– why did I do that?”
“I only.. I only wanted you to be happy.”
“It–it was selfish of me to take my love away from you–”
Sungho’s heart no longer clenched in anger, but in an overwhelming sadness that comes whenever Jaehyun lays out his feelings like this.
Before Sungho could utter a word, it started raining.
He quickly pulled Jaehyun inside and shut the door.
He took Jaehyun in his arms as they laid on the door carpet, tears running down his face too.
Myung Jaehyun is in his arms. Myung Jaehyun loves him.
And maybe that’s enough.
“I love you too, stupid.”
.
.
.
.
Epilogue -
Jaehyun and Sungho have reconnected over the past few weeks, spending time together, catching up, and most of all– fixing things. Working things out.
What Jaehyun did was extremely selfish and took him an extra 2 years after University to realize that leaving Sungho was even more selfish rather than letting his feelings flow naturally. Sungho finally accepts Jaehyun’s apology after the 2 month mark of his unstoppable courting.
They never really labelled themselves in University, but this time, Jaehyun is making the effort to earn the right of Sungho’s love.
But what he doesn’t know is that it never left. Sungho has loved Jaehyun through everything, but that doesn’t guarantee forgiveness, which Jaehyun will have to work very hard for.
They’re getting to what they should’ve been years ago, one step at a time.
Sometimes, it takes ruin to create something beautiful.
And for Sungho, he wouldn’t have changed anything.
Because here, right now, he’s with people he loves.
In his apartment, Taesan and Leehan are lazily slouching on the couch with legs over one another, Riwoo is tickling Woonhak on the carpet, and Jaehyun is more confident with his feelings as he kisses Sungho in their kitchen, arms wrapped around his waist, where they’ve always belonged, but now, it’s real.
Their hands intertwine as if they've never stopped. And now, they wear their name engraved rings rather than dangle them as a charm. Jaehyun insisted on it. The light reflects from the aged silver, memories of childhood fondness, teenage dilemma, lust, heartbreak, and love. The future is waiting for them, steadfast beside one another.