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The thing about desperately, hopelessly falling in love with someone you could never have, was that you started to scrape everything you could ever get into your hands. The small, insignificant things mattered to you. Because it was all you could afford.
Those were cheap options that Mitsuya could easily get.
But Mitsuya was tired of getting used to the cheap option.
The price of loving someone shouldn't cost him losing himself in the process. Mitsuya should know his worth, should know to not put himself last.
He was tired of becoming the less worthy choice for someone.
Someone who couldn't even be loud with his feelings, someone who couldn't even be true to himself, someone who couldn't even be brave and be proud of what he had.
"What did you just say?"
It's like a déjà vu.
Bringing back to the memory of them agreeing to cave in to the desire and loneliness, in trust of their best friends. How they both decided one night of drunken sex was way too good to pass, and prolonging it would lead to nothing but pleasure.
They were friends, best friends even, and what's wrong with helping each other to find their release and have fun while at it?
Or so, Mitsuya told himself to believe.
Ignoring his long-life secret of loving the person who changed his life, because if this was all he could afford, then he would gladly accept it.
What did you just say?
Well, what do you think about making this regular thing? No strings attachment.
You mean, like sex friends?
Sure, if you want to put any label on it.
Mitsuya should know that being in Draken's vicinity only result in nothing but greed. He began to want more, he started to not get enough. When everything was within his reach, could you blame Mitsuya for seizing the chance?
It ended in a disaster, of course.
They could have crosses so many lines, when lines had become blurry, but there was always gonna be one line that was bolder than anything else.
Mitsuya kissed Draken.
The Kiss with a capital 'K'.
Not the rough one where you could taste the blood. Not the messy one where you could feel the drooling spit.
The Kiss.
The gentlest one among every rough touch.
The quiet one drowned them in unbearable silence.
The kind that stopped the time, freezing the moment.
The one that Draken forbade, because "What the fuck, Mitsuya, why did you kiss me?" like Draken didn't do all the unholy things with Mitsuya's body. The most unforgivable sin they ever committed was when their lips touched tenderly but not everything else.
Because Draken could fuck him senseless, using him like a ragdoll, but he drew a line at kissing.
And Mitsuya had crossed that exact line.
It should be a perfect chance to let go.
It should be a golden opportunity to forget.
Mitsuya should be determined enough to stay away; even if he would feel the hurt, and he would suffer for a while.
But he would heal.
And he would be free.
Living his life with someone that deserved him.
Not Draken.
But, of course, he couldn't.
Not when Draken crawled back to him, begging for his forgiveness, asking Mitsuya to take him back.
It's you, always been you, like it wasn't something that Mitsuya had always known about Draken himself.
A weak heart that he was, Mitsuya caved in, once again falling into the endless cycle of hell, even if the hell in question was the paradise he was promised of.
Indeed, it was heaven for a while, with an abundance of kisses, with an endless flows of 'I love you's.
But, who was he kidding?
"You're joking, right?" Draken stared at him in disbelief.
Mitsuya almost lost it. Joke? What joke he was having if it wasn't for his own life and his own fate? To get trapped in the same maze with no way out, with nowhere to run. Who would be so stupid enough to fall into the same hole twice?
"I'm not that much of a comedian, I fear," Mitsuya hoped he remained stoic even if he couldn't help himself to be hilarious in a completely no-joking area.
Draken didn't appreciate his great comeback.
"What are you so mad about?" Draken frowned. "Is this about Emma?"
No, no, he didn't get to reduce this whole thing down to one prominent female figure in his career, in his life too (who knows?).
It was never about Emma, even if she factored into it.
It was never about Emma, even if she definitely connected with it.
It was never about Emma.
This was not her story.
It was always about Draken and Mitsuya.
And their story.
"I thought, this time, it would be different," Mitsuya was surprised that his anger simmered down so fast, he now felt mostly serene. "Maybe I just have more faith, maybe my expectations are just way too high, or maybe I am just too stupid."
Mitsuya chuckled. "Doesn't erase the fact that I love you too much, I scrambled to fetch everything you've thrown at me, like a sad, pathetic dog."
"Mitsuya—"
"I love you too much, that it starts hurting me," Mitsuya sighed. "I'm done with keeping things between us, Draken."
Draken seemed taken back by his words.
"Mitsuya, you have to understand," he began. Mitsuya dreaded the next words to come. He had a few ideas, but eventually it would go down to one point. "I have everything at stake. You know how it is about being out and in relationship—"
"I never asked for you to publicly announce us," Mitsuya cut him off, he thought his anger would resurface, but all he could think was weariness. He had been holding himself back for so long that he no longer had energy left to explode anymore. It just bleed out quietly, constantly. "I'm not that stupid, Draken. I know how difficult your position is. I'm not that selfish, I would never want you to jeopardize your career for me."
It should be insulting that Draken thought Mitsuya didn't even consider any of that. But again, he was just too numb to care now.
"Mitsuya, what we have is good—"
"For you," Mitsuya finished with an emphasis, voice cracking without meaning to. "It never was, for me."
He hated how he was weak of everything Draken.
The sting on the corner of his eyes that threatened to spill the unnecessary tears, the crack in his voice that threatened to silence the words, the trembling hands he couldn't stop fiddling with.
Mitsuya hated how he could have his own fate in the palm of his hand, but it was gonna be Draken who had the power to crush it.
"You're breaking up with me, then?" Draken's voice was quiet, like something Mitsuya had never heard before. "This is the end?"
"Draken," Mitsuya sighed. "you know, this shouldn't even have to start in the first place."
Until it's too late.
Until we both are way too deep in it to get out without feeling hurt.
"I'm sorry."
Mitsuya looked up, but Draken didn't have his eyes on him. He was looking away too.
There should be anger, there should be resentment, there should be frustration, there should be aggravation—Mitsuya didn't expect there would just be sadness and melancholy.
It's for the best.
"I'm sorry, too."
He didn't mean it as his last goodbye, but sure it felt like a final nail on the coffin.
What could be worse than the goodbye itself, if it wasn't for the regrets and remorse that it entailed?