Work Text:
The homework knew it was a hated thing, so much so that when Hogwarts was up and running again after the battle, it prepared itself to once again be insulted and moaned over by its unappreciative students.
It’s not like I asked for this, it thought, idly hovering over the sleeping nose of a first year student, dripping ink into the students nasal cavities.
“If only I could find someone who appreciated me.”
The homework didn’t realize it had talked out loud, until it felt a soft movement under its papery existence, rather wetter than the previous moist breathing it had been suffering for the last hour and a half. The way it almost tickled, but not quite, made it almost impossible for the paper assignment to stay perched where it was, and so it gave a delighted wump and flitted down to the bed.
What’s happening?? It thought, when the wet sensation followed it down to the mattress and proceded to lick at its blotchty lettering.
“I heard you”, the student purred, and after a few panicked moments, the homework realized that it had been lying on Edward Cullen all along. Edward Cullen, who doesn’t sleep. The homework blushed prettily. “oh”, it spelled out, in pink, embarrassed letters. Edward traced them with his fingers, the sensation sending jolts of pleasure running through the paper. “no, don’t do that!” it squealed, O///O running across the page. “I’ll ink myself!”
Edward giggled in a husky, vampire sort of way labled undead-sexy, a look not even zoolander could pull off. “I’ll make you do more than that”, he replied heavily, and looked over to where the bed curtains were suddenly parted by a big purple unicorn horn.
Twilight Sparkle admired the homework assignment with teary devotion. “I’m sorry, homework, if I’d realized how bad you felt, I would have done something about it long ago. You are my most important thing, after all”, she exclaimed, and proceded to lick the already damp piece of parchment. The homework moaned with eleven exclamation points and two questionmarks.
While Twilight administered the now soggy paper, Edward scrambled around for some lube, and procured a bottle of chunky applesauce he had for some inexplicable reason hid in his left lung.
“Here, Twilight. Let’s do it together”, he said, and handed the bottle to the pony.
“Right you are! Friendship is magic after all”, she replied, and scooped up a generous amount of applesauce and applied it to the wet mulch that was the homework. “Oh dear, it isn’t looking too good”, she said, worriedly. “We better get a move on quick!”
Edward nodded gravely. “Yes. Here, I got this from an elf in the common room earlier. Safety first, right?” Twilight accepted the sock, DOBBY written over the heel with big letters. Then she plunged the assignment into the used sock and covered Edward’s throbbing pixie stick with it along with another helping of apple sauce. “I don’t know, it feels like something is missing,” she frowned. Edward looked puzzled. “Like what?”
As if on cue, the bed curtains were parted once more, in fact, they were completely torn down as Twinky winky, Lala and Poe came into the dormitory, closely followed by a naked, shaved Severus Snape.
Edward looked at them in surprise. “I thought you were dead?”
“And I thought you were a Hufflepuff wizard, not a twinkling fairy, but we can’t both be right, can we?” Severus replied, nose held aloft while lala gave him a blow job.
Twilight giggled. “That was it! An audience! Now everyone can see how wonderful homework is!” Then she assaulted Edwards dick and orgasmed 58 times in one minute.