Chapter Text
Rani couldn’t even remember how many times this had happened now. Always when Sarah Jane thought no one was looking, or when she thought she was alone for a moment or two. But Rani was nearly as inquisitive as her mentor, and it was obvious, at least to her. She knew Luke and Clyde hadn’t seen a thing, but she didn’t really expect them to. Rani, however, had seen it happen yet again, and she didn’t know if she could stand another instance of this.
This time, it was an ordinary afternoon after school, and the gang were all in the attic. Sarah Jane was seated at her computer, while Rani and Luke were trying to get Clyde to at least try and study for their upcoming chemistry test. Luke and Clyde’s attention started to wander to their plans to go paintballing soon, and Rani ceded the conversation. She looked up from the flashcards she had made to help her memorize the periodic table, glancing across the room to Sarah Jane. The older woman was rubbish with a computer (unless it was Mr. Smith), and typically would use it to either send emails or look around for possible story leads. Even when she was doing so, she would usually keep one foot in the group conversation, whether it was to gripe at one of the boys for making a sarcastic remark, or to bring up new ideas. Today, though, she was rather quiet.
“Whatcha doing, Sarah Jane?” Rani asked, leaning forward in her chair a bit. Sarah Jane seemed to snap out of a haze at the sound of her voice, coming back to reality and seeming a bit frazzled.
“Nothing…just thinking…” she trailed off, her gaze still somewhere else as she made no move to face toward the schoolgirl. Rani could barely see less than her profile, but Sarah Jane seemed to quickly wipe at her cheeks.
“Find anything worth investigating?” Rani tried her again, hoping she could engage her. The young girl furrowed her brow as she watched Sarah Jane closely, wondering almost impulsively if it had looked like she’d been crying.
“No….no I haven’t,” Sarah Jane responded, clearing her throat and adjusting herself a bit. “Actually, I’ll be right back. Excuse me for a moment.”
Rani’s eyes followed her as she turned, facing away from the kids, walked out of the attic, and closed the door behind her.
“Is she alright?” Rani wondered as she looked back at the boys.
“Mum? I think so…why?” Luke replied, still half-invested in whatever Clyde had been saying to him.
“She’s just been so quiet…” Rani observed, thinking back to a few weeks before, when something similar had happened. Her parents had actually invited Sarah Jane over for dinner that night, and Luke had been sleeping over at Clyde’s. Rani remembered her mother bringing up her and Haresh’s upcoming wedding anniversary. Her mother had mentioned that she had been the one to make the first move, and that if she hadn’t, she would have regretted it for the rest of her life. It had been then that Sarah Jane had suddenly mentioned needing to go and find the toilet, and she excused herself from the table. Rani hadn’t been sure, but for a brief second, it had looked as though Sarah Jane had tears in her eyes.
“Probably planning out her next story,” Clyde surmised, bringing Rani back to the present. “She works too hard.”
“Yeah…probably…” Rani mumbled, and the boys went back to their conversation. They didn’t even notice Rani getting up and making her way over to the computer. But it wasn’t the computer that intrigued her, it was whatever was on the desk. When she stopped in front of it, she got a heavy feeling in her chest. On the desk was a photograph that must have been from decades ago. She picked up the old photo to have a closer look. It was of a much younger Sarah Jane, with the biggest smile Rani had ever seen her have, and she was standing in front of a very tall man. The man had a bright smile too, and he was so tall that he could rest his chin on top of Sarah Jane’s head. He had a mess of brown curls and wild blue eyes, and his arms were around her. But what really gave him away was the long, striped scarf that wove its way around both of them. Rani knew without a doubt that it was the Doctor. Specifically, it was Sarah Jane’s Doctor. The one she had traveled with all those years ago- the one who had been her best friend.
Rani bit her lip as she felt her eyes sting, because she was certain now that she had, in fact, seen Sarah Jane wipe her eyes before. She sighed as she put the photo back down on the desk, and decided to follow after the journalist.
“I’ll be back in a sec, I’m just-I’ll go make some tea,” she quickly improvised as she made her way to the door. She tried to be quiet when she closed the door behind her, not wanting to alert Sarah Jane that she was following her. She paused for a moment, listening into the quiet for some clue as to where the older woman had gone off to. Unable to hear anything, Rani slowly crept down the stairs, careful to tread softly.
Once she had reached the ground floor, she silently peered into the front sitting room. Rani’s heart sank at the sight of Sarah Jane sitting in the large chair by the window, leaning forward with her face in her hands. Rani held her breath as she walked in softly, clenching her teeth as she felt her own eyes welling up. Sarah Jane was always so stoic; she never said anything and hardly ever expressed a feeling. Rani had always wondered if it was because of how badly she was hurt when the Doctor had left so long ago. But Rani had never seen her like this before.
“Sarah Jane?” Rani called gently as she sat down on the couch close to the large chair. Sarah Jane’s breath hitched as she looked up suddenly, her eyes wide. Wide and bloodshot red, and brimming with tears. “What’s wrong?”
Sarah Jane let out a shallow breath, shaking her head as if to communicate that she couldn’t speak, and wiping at her face with the sleeve of her shirt.
“Don’t worry about me…I’ll be fine. It’s nothing, honestly, I’m probably just being silly,” she finally replied, but her voice broke and made her words sound completely unconvincing.
“It doesn’t seem like nothing,” Rani countered softly. “Listen, I know you don’t like to talk about things…but you can. If you need to talk about anything…I know I’m just a kid, but I think it could help you feel better.”
She gave Sarah Jane a small, reassuring smile, reaching over to give her hand a comforting squeeze.
“Thank you,” Sarah Jane whispered, not even noticing that her tears were still streaming down her face. “But, Rani, I don’t think I can…” her voice trailed off as her brows knitted together, and she had to swallow back the lump in her throat.
“I saw that picture on your desk,” Rani told her, unwilling to let it go. She already had a pretty strong idea as to what was upsetting Sarah Jane so severely, and she was convinced that it would help for her to actually open up about it, even if it was only a little bit. “That picture of you and the Doctor all those years ago.”
“Rani-” she started to object, her voice only a whisper as her breath caught and her lip trembled. “I can’t.”
“Sarah Jane…it’s okay,” the girl promised, putting her hand on her mentor’s shoulder. “I know you miss him.”
Rani thought back to when she had met the Doctor at Sarah Jane’s wedding- the one that never happened. He was brilliant and strange and captivating and magnetic…and he was the same person that Sarah Jane had traveled with decades ago…but at the same time, he wasn’t. He wasn’t the same as the Doctor in the photograph who made Sarah Jane so happy.
“You miss your Doctor, don’t you?” she said after a moment. “Not just the one I’ve met…you miss the one with the big eyes and the curly hair that he was back then.”
Sarah Jane choked back a sob as she buried her face in her hands, unable to say anything. She never spoke about this, not to anyone, and it felt so foreign to be so vulnerable.
“You love him,” Rani breathed. It wasn’t a question, because Rani wasn’t wondering- she knew that Sarah Jane still loved her Doctor. Seeing her this distraught even after so many years just made things fall into place in Rani’s head. She understood why Sarah Jane never let people in, why she isolated herself for so long, why she couldn’t bring herself to talk much about her days in the TARDIS. She had felt so strongly for the Doctor and been hurt so badly when she lost him, of course she had kept people at a distance ever since. She couldn’t bear to feel that pain any deeper. But it was even harder, because the Doctor continued on as a different man, and her Doctor had changed a long time ago.
“Stop,” Sarah Jane shot back quite firmly. She always got short with people when she was hurting. She had definitely made progress since getting to know the kids, but…it wasn’t easy. Especially if it concerned something so close to her heart. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped,” she said more softly.
She didn’t confirm what Rani had deduced out loud, but Rani noticed that she definitely didn’t deny it either. Her eyes watered as she followed the urge to lean over and pull Sarah Jane into a hug. She hated seeing this woman that she looked up to so much being so very sad, but there always seemed to be this echoing aura of loneliness that surrounded her- at least to Rani. Rani knew that she wasn’t really used to affection or closeness from people, except maybe from Luke once in a while, but it didn’t stop her from silently hugging Sarah Jane.
“Is there anything I can do?” Rani asked her quietly as a tear spilled onto her cheek. Sarah Jane had started to relax into the girl’s embrace, returning it as she put her arms around her. Rani could hear her uneven breaths, could hear her choking back small sobs as she tried desperately to keep herself together as much as she could.
“No, I don’t think so,” Sarah Jane sniffled. once she had found her voice again. “It’s been like this for such a long time now…I suppose I’m used to it.”
Rani knew that Sarah Jane wasn’t going to suddenly open up and let all of her emotions out, but even hearing this from her broke the girl’s heart. Sarah Jane had done so much for not only her, but for the entire planet. She had saved so many people and even helped the aliens who fell to Earth in need of it…and yet this amazing woman was so unbearably lonely and aching for someone who, as far as she knew, was gone. Rani could see it in her eyes that having her, Clyde, and Luke around helped. It brought her joy to have this little found family, and Rani was happy to be a part of it all. But she knew that it still wasn’t the same as the relationship that had left a gaping hole in Sarah Jane’s heart.