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If I’m a pagan of the good times,
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice
—
Laura Lee was always a believer. It was all she ever knew. It was her purpose. It was something she could never let go of. It defined her. She was nothing without the holy spirit. She wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for Jesus' power.
She’ll never forget that fateful day. The day that solidified her faith. The day that God almost punished her. The day that reminded her that her life could end in a matter of seconds. The day that was almost in her hands.
Her parents had forced her to attend bible camp, as they always did. She was just having a fun time. She seldom thought of much except to simply get through it. It was only a week; she’ll simply push through it.
Survive. That was a word she’ll soon be familiar with on several occasions. She hadn’t yet realized how much she’d take advantage of her luxury until it was too late. Perhaps, was god’s punishment. Perhaps, she should have believed it sooner. Then, perhaps, none of this would’ve ever happened.
It was all her fault. All of this was her fault. She was the world’s biggest fool. God sparing her life didn’t quell the guilt that hung on her shoulders.
She had been eyeing the pool like a hawk. She examined her reflection as two of her peers gleefully sang a tune in the distance. She examined her freshly painted toenails; staring in awe as the sparkly nail polish glistened in the sunlight. Water splashing and the cheerful clamoring of her peers echoed throughout the pool.
She wanted to practice her dive. She had seen others dive in the water with ease. It appeared so effortless and clean. She figured she could attempt it with the exact grace they had. She took a big breath and positioned her body in the same way they had.
She prayed as she always did before trying something new. God answered with a punishment for her prior sins. The next thing she knew, everything went blank like a fresh sheet of paper.
She was almost certain she saw the light that was constantly described in novels. The entire world’s colors blending into a bright white, nearly blinding her entire vision. Every memory flooded before her very eyes as if she was nothing but a movie to be forgotten. An unknown feeling that was coursing through her veins. Perhaps it was the Lord. It had to be.
She was so eager to ascend to the promised land that her the pastors raved about. She was very disappointed to find herself living to see another day; mind plagued by the ambiance of beeping monitors and clamor of distressed relatives.
She questioned what she had to fulfill to start her journey.
—
It was the winning goal. She would never escape the feeling in her bones when the ball smacks the net. The whole world stopped. The sun was brighter. It was pure ecstasy. The voice of the Holy Spirit rang throughout her ears.
This was her purpose. This was God’s will. This was His plan. This was everything she was praying for. They were going to Nationals.
She was a Yellowjacket. That was one thing she knew for sure in a world of uncertainty. In the mist of college decisions and not knowing if she would ever see her friends again, this was the light shining down from Heaven. She was almost positive she saw the face of Jesus then. He smiled at her. He accepted her into his kingdom. She knew that he approved of her. She made him proud. She couldn’t mess this up.
This was her purpose. Basking in the radiance of companionship; relishing in the buzz of a new accomplishment. This was her purpose: the cheers of audiences nothing but background ambiance as her voice grew hoarse from chanting. The ever-approaching journey and uncertainty of nationals, a word that quickly morphed into a prized possession within her team. Her prayers had been answered. God never left her side.
This was her purpose.
Buzz buzz buzz buzz.
--
Lottie and Laura Lee had been lunch buddies since the second day of school. It was a tradition they honored since then, even as their friendships expanded. They would talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Some days, silent conversations were all they needed. Sometimes Laura Lee would steal glances at Lottie for no reason; it seemed. She couldn’t help it. Not when Lottie was so nice to look at. It reminded her of spring. The fresh breath after grueling winter months. The sun peeking its way between the cracks of clouds. The trust of a deer; gentle and harmonious.
She was a great friend. She prayed that they would continue to stay in touch once high school was over. She made Laura Lee feel warm inside. She wanted to take this warmth and store it somewhere to preserve it. Somewhere evil spirits wouldn’t dare to touch. Sometimes, she found herself praying for Lottie’s wellbeing. The mere idea of someone causing harm to this beautiful soul filled her with immense pain.
Perhaps she was sent by God.
Laura Lee had an unconscious habit of practicing her piano music on tables. It initially started as a way to memorize her pieces. Lottie was quick to take note of this and slightly pointed to Laura Lee’s hand in motion.
“You okay?” Lottie inquired one day, interrupting the previous tranquility between them.
Laura Lee glanced at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Lottie wasn’t the first person to catch her in this act, however, was the first to express tender concern and curiosity. The only other person to comment was her own mother, words thick with annoyance.
“Yeah, just practicing something for my piano class,” Lura Lee replied, clearing her throat.
Lottie’s face gave way to both shock and impression. This gave Laura Lee the idea that her friend still had a plethora to learn about her.
“I didn’t know you played piano,” Lottie added, fiddling at a sprinkle in the cupcake she packed.
“Most people in church do”
“Are you any good?”
Laura Lee shrugged at this question. She thought back to the heated instructions pouring through the mouth of Mrs. Brophy. The self doubt and frustrations that were brought to the forefront at the very mention of the instrument. She couldn’t lie; she knew God was watching. She knew that she was subpar compared to her church peers. Despite this, she couldn’t bring herself to voice this to Lottie. She looked so happy in that moment. Laura Lee nodded, feeling the piercing glare of God all the way from Heaven.
“I can teach you…if you’d like”
She didn’t miss how Lottie’s face lit up. That nearly made her sin worth it. Lottie’s smile was like nothing she’d ever seen. She was determined to make it permanent. Her faces matched her beloved friend’s, making an exchanged future promise.
“Let me know when you’re free. I’d love to show you the ropes!”
She beamed, oblivious to what lay ahead.
—
That day at Bible camp wasn’t the last time she was confronted with death, despite her best hopes. She did her best to pray beforehand but perhaps it wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough. Now everyone must atone for her sins.
Screams were ringing throughout the plane. She scrambled for the oxygen mask. She didn’t register how shaky her hands were until then. It was a hassle even trying to procure it on her face. It was as if her body was working on autopilot. Her survival instincts were in overdrive. She was Jonah in the storm right before being consumed by the gigantic whale.
The first thing she recognized was the feeling of the atmosphere plunging before her. The panicked voices of the pilots. The ice cold feeling of the oxygen mask on her face. The plane plunging down. Her throat closing up despite the oxygen mask nearly cutting off her circulation.
The feeling of Lottie Matthews’ soft hands in her own. Her hands had a mind of their own as she quickly turned around to grasp Lottie’s. They were warm. It was the kind of warmth she felt when caressed by the sun. She was sitting right behind her, and she felt inclined to grasp her hand. She didn’t know why but it felt right. It was grounding. It was hope in this very bleak time.
Lottie Matthews. She was sent by God. She could never put a word to it, but Lottie made her feel something deep in her bones. It was a good feeling, something she never wanted to let go out. She was pretty. She was nice. God, she was so nice. Laura Lee thought about her a lot. She’ll never forget those days they spent at school. They were the highlight of each day. She’ll remember them forever, even if she were to die right now.
If God couldn’t save her than he had to save Lottie. She found herself praying once again. She could die right now but Lottie deserves to live. She’d take a bullet for her.
The Lord is my shepherd, and even though I walk through the valley of death...
She can’t remember when her prayers stopped. Maybe they never did.
The aroma of blood. The cold stillness of both peers and new faces. The gloomy atmosphere, as if Satan’s presence loaned throughout this unfamiliar forest.
Her hands were empty, longing for the former warmth of Lottie’s.
She scanned the area for her suitcase, determined to reunite with Leonard. In the mist of this turmoil, she had to know that he was safe. Confronted with near death for the second time, she needed him now more than ever.
Her heart flew out of her chest when the face of her luggage came into view. She flew to unzip and embraced Leonard as if he came back from war. She had only seconds to celebrate before a could sensation coursed through her veins, starting with her forehead. Another drop was spattered on the area. She let out a blood curdling scream when she dared to meet with the gruesome sight: Coach Martinez.
He was dead. His body was practically lodged in between a tree branch.
She prayed that God welcomed him into His kingdom.
She thought back to first time she heard of the story of Jesus’ death. She was enamored; wide eyes glued to the teacher as he recalled the turbulent tail. Her hands fidgeted, whole body on edge as she braced herself for the ending. She could predict it but hope it could’ve been different. Life wasn’t fair, especially to those with the best intentions.
Bad things happen to good people after all.
She remembered the piano lesson, and it hit her: she he was just like Jesus, being nailed to the cross. Except this time, she actually did something wrong. She committed an unforgivable sin. She could deny it all she wanted but the truth was still the same. She was an irredeemable sinner. She was being rightfully punished. She should’ve known better. God was expressing his great disappointment in her.
It was all her fault.
She didn’t even like piano if she was being honest. It was just another thing her parents coerced her into doing. Just another mundane activity she would simply have to put up with. Her instructor nagged her to all hell. It was like nails on a chalkboard for hours on end. She dreaded every single rehearsal. She kept going, however. Any disappointment to her parents meant an even greater disappointment to the Lord. She knew the Bible. She knew where she sat in comparison to them. She couldn’t let them down. She couldn’t let God down.
She never realized how much a simple thought would affect her life forever. Perhaps this was God’s punishment. He was always watching, after all. She had failed him and now her teammates must pay the price. The whole world was crumbling all because of her. She was a sinner. She did something very bad.
F sharp F sharp F sharp.
It rang through her head like a curse. Mrs. Brophy was never the nicest toward her and this was the final straw. She was already feeling lethargic and was not met with any grace that day. Each murmur from her teacher felt like a bomb being left off. She could seldom concentrate with her breathing down her throat. She didn’t understand how anyone got anything done.
She couldn’t take it anymore. She was at her wits end. In that moment she abandoned any morality she ever learned. It was revenge. It was deserved, she initially thought.
Cunt.
She forgot that God was always listening. She was a fool.
--
The day they found the plane was one for the scrapbook in her mind. Jackie’s voice rang throughout the once barren forest. She was quick to scramble into the once abandoned aircraft. It was familiar in a way. It felt like the first time her grandpa introduced her to these aircrafts. How her rambled for hours about how revolutionary they were; how being in it felt like the equivalent to souring into God’s kingdom. She would watch the aircraft in awe, begging until her voice grew raw to allow herself to even set foot in the aircraft. Her parent would constantly brush her off; eager to express the unreadiness they deemed her daughter to be.
Almost out of spite, she studied the once barren plane’s manual like the back of her hand. She became fixated on how they operated and what it took to fly one. As the group delve further into crisis, she studied like it was her final chance at a passing grade in an import class. It was life or death, after all.
She prayed to God extra hard one night. He reminded her of how he constantly aided his people through turmoil. How Jesus sacrificed so much to ensure the safety and happiness of those who believed.
This could be their hope. This could be their savior. She could be their savior. She could fulfill God’s promise.
This was her destiny. She was their hope.
--
She had been sweeping. It was a task she took upon herself. It seemed like something manageable. It was one of the few things she could do in these bleak times. It helped her prove she could be useful.
The sound of Lottie Matthews voice sent chills down her body. It was like music to her ears. She never knew how much she needed it until that moment. She didn’t know why it made her feel like this, but she never wanted the feeling to subside.
Even though it had been weeks in the forest, Lottie had looked pretty as ever. That was something Laura Lee admired about her: her beauty. She could stare at her all day. It was enamoring. Her voice was even better. It was like honey. Like a song one could reply over and over again.
“I guess I wanted to ask you something. I think it's about God”
Lottie chose her of all people. She chose her to be her savior. She believed in her. She put her faith in her. She sought her out. This was Laura Lee’s purpose. This was God’s plan. She couldn’t mess this up.
She mustn't.
How do I accept him into my heart?
Laura Lee found her cheeks growing warm when changing Lottie Matthew’s clothes. She wasn’t sure why. She tried to ignore it. Surely, it was due to this being an unfamiliar situation. Surely, she would get used to it.
But her eyes were drawn to Lottie. God, she was beautiful. Every single part of her was like once of those biblical paintings she had seen countless times in church. She was mesmerizing.
This was the second time she felt Lottie’s hands in hers. It sent butterflies through her stomach. She led her into the lake, and it was like everything she ever dreamed of. She was fulfilling God’s plan. She was bringing another person into his kingdom. And it was her friend. Someone who deserved the world and more.
This was her purpose. This thought rang through her mind as she lowered Lottie into the chilly lake. She recited the very words when she gave herself to the lord as if it was instinct.
This was her purpose. It rang through her head as Lottie came back up in a panic, eyes wide as her breath hitched. She rambled about seeing fire and light. It was reminiscent of her time at bible camp. She could be her savior. Lottie had a gift. She saw visions even Laura Lee hadn’t seen. Clearly, Lottie had been sent by the lord.
This was her purpose.
Lottie’s gasp and emergence from the water knocked her clean out of her thoughts. Panic overtook her as Lottie grasped her upper arms like an anchor. Laura Lee’s hands naturally found their way to Lottie’s soft cheeks. She didn’t know why.
Lottie, based on her words, had seen the Holy Spirit too. For the first time in years, Laura Lee wasn’t alone; someone else on her team has witnessed what she had long ago. She had something so sacred and beloved she could finally share with someone whom she cherished like the sun. She could be Lottie’s moon. She could guide her in the darkest days.
She could guide them all.
—
The final sensation she clung onto before lift off was the warm embrace of Lottie. Her thumb rubbed circles into Laura Lee’s shoulder as she squeezed her friend impossibly tight. It was as if she was terrified of letting go; terrified of escaping from her sight. If Lottie was the ship guiding Laura Lee through her journey to salvation, then Laura Lee was the anchor holding her steady. After breaking the embrace, she offered Lottie a final gaze that portrayed a million thoughts. She hoped that Lottie would understand at least one of them.
Her hands trembled like she was Atlas carrying the world on her shoulders. Leonard was perched happily on the seat next to her, offering his encouragement. Her mind was on autopilot as the engine roared, clearing its throat after years of neglect. She let hope be her fuel, trying to ward off doubt that lingered. This was her moment. This was God’s plan for her.
Her ramblings to Leonard never ceased, explaining to him each task before she did it. Conversing with Leonard always soothed her nerves. She held a shallow breath as the plane went into motion. This was God’s plan.
She heard the cheers from her friends from yards away as she slowly ascended into the air. This was God’s plan.
The air grew thin. Her stomach sunk for the million time. The plane wobbled when she didn’t have a steady hand. She was flying. This was God’s plan.
Then, the atmosphere was hot. Her sweat dripped through her outfit that hadn’t seen a decent wash in months. She found herself second guessing her breathing. She counted her breaths. She prayed. She thought about Lottie. She dared to turn her head to Leonard for some semblance of comfort. Her initial thought was nerves being the cause of this foreign sensation.
Leonard was burning. Her childhood friend was up in flames.
She was back on that flight, succumbing to suffocation as the air forced her throat shut. A hurricane slammed onto her body as embers consumed the tiny plane. She was swallow whole by scalding flames that tattooed her arms with multiple degree burns. She remembered a girl, a girl she never knew the name of, screaming as she succumbed to the fire. She remembered how her body grew limp once collapsing. She remembered it all.
Her hand instinctively went to grasp her cross necklace. Like she always did in a time of crisis. Like she did during the crash. Like a prayer. Despite the incoming doom, she still prayed. It was all she had left.
All she could hope was that the lord hadn’t abandoned her yet.
She prayed. She prayed like she did that fateful afternoon when her head hit the pool pavement. It was all she could do as she accepted the inevitable.
God, please let me into your kingdom of heaven.
She remembered the girl with pink fluffy clothes and a sweet smile. The few words exchanged yet the aura of friendship that always clung to the air. The indescribable feeling when in her presence. The deep ache of leaving her behind. The hope that she could watch over her beloved companion for the rest of her days.
She remembered how, despite all the company Lottie kept, the loneliness that followed her like a trail of smoke. She remembered the unspoken promise to sit with each other every lunch period. She remembered the first day; in which Laura Lee asked if she could sit at Lottie’s once barren table. She complemented the latter’s outfit, and they exchanged few words on stores they shopped at. It was the first time Laura Lee felt like a typical teenaged girl.
Smoke clogged her lungs. The air grew heavy. Leonard’s fur was coated in rapidly spreading flames. The plane transformed into a furnace. She counted her blessings and atoned for her sins. She prayed like she had never had before. She braced herself for the inevitable. It was right around the corner.
The last thing she saw before it went dark was Lottie Matthew’s face.
Dear God, please watch over her for me.