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Siuan wakes from an awful dream. She only half remembers it, but the feeling of losing Moiraine is so clear. Moiraine’s side of the bed is empty, as is Leanna’s bassinet, and Siuan gets up, needs to see them before she’ll be able to calm down and go back to sleep. The bedroom is illuminated by nightlights after one too many toes stubbed while hastily trying to take Leanna out of the room in the middle of the night. Despite the light, Siuan nearly trips over the pile of laundry she’d left on floor by her side of the bed – they need to do laundry today before they run out of clean clothes. Jenny seizes the opportunity to get up from her dog bed and take over Siuan and Moiraine’s newly vacant bed, her head on Moiraine’s pillow, body stretched out diagonally, leaving nearly no space for any humans who might wish to return and sleep there.
Siuan follows the sound of Moiraine singing a lullaby, finds her in a rocking chair in Leanna’s nursery, Leanna asleep against Moiraine’s chest. “Hi, love,” Siuan says, and Moiraine looks up, her attention drawn to Siuan’s bare legs and hips for a long moment before focusing on Siuan’s face. Siuan smiles at the desire in Moiraine’s expression. Even sleep deprived, Moiraine always wants Siuan. She’d worried not long ago that this constant desire between them would lessen with a new baby, but now that Siuan is past the initial post-partum adjustment, she finds that nothing much has changed at all, simply the need to plan who will watch Leanna so that Siuan and Moiraine can make love.
Siuan walks over to Moiraine, who caresses the back of Siuan’s bare thigh. “You’re cold,” Moiraine says with a frown, her touch half seduction, half an attempt to warm Siuan.
“Come back to bed,” Siuan says, reaching out to stroke Moiraine’s face softly. All that lingers of Siuan’s dream was knowing Moiraine was dead. Siuan tries to shake the memory, needs to hold Moiraine. “How long have you been awake?”
“A couple hours. I didn’t want to wake you. I tried to put Leanna back in her bassinet after I fed her, but she started crying the second I put her down, so I took her out to let you sleep.”
“You should have woken me. I would have taken a turn.” Siuan looks down at Leanna sleeping peacefully against Moiraine’s chest. Their daughter loves being held. Siuan strokes her thumb across Moiraine’s cheek, adores the way Moiraine hums contentedly and leans into Siuan’s touch.
“You got up with her last night,” Moiraine says. She kisses Siuan’s palm and smiles up at her. Siuan still marvels at how happy Moiraine is as a mother, had worried she was pressuring Moiraine into something she didn’t truly want, worried that Moiraine would be miserable and blame Siuan.
“She’s sleeping now. Do you want to try to put her down?”
“She tricked me like this before,” Moiraine says with a smile, her hand caressing up and down the back of Siuan’s thigh a few times before reaching up to squeeze her bum softly. “Only wants to sleep if I hold her.”
Siuan looks at the clock. 4:57 AM. Almost a respectable time to be awake. “Are we calling it on sleep for tonight then?” Siuan asks. She strokes Moiraine’s hair softly, looks at her beautiful, exhausted wife with a smile.
“We can nap later when Alric and Lan take Leanna to Alric’s mum’s,” Moiraine says.
“As long as we leave time for the other plans I have.” Siuan raises her eyebrows and gives her best, silliest seductive smile.
Moiraine laughs, then stands from the rocking chair. She sways a little, and Siuan reaches out to steady her. “All right love?”
“I should probably drink some water before my coffee.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to bed?” Siuan asks. “Jenny might have left just enough room for you.”
Moiraine shakes her head. “Why are you awake?”
“Bad dream.” Moiraine reaches under Siuan’s shirt to rub her back. Siuan kisses Moiraine softly, then tells her, “I’m all right. I woke up with the memory of losing you in my dream.” Siuan shakes her head, still feels sick with the memory. “But you’re here.”
“I am,” Moiraine promises. She wraps her arm around Siuan’s waist, cradles Leanna with her other arm, a far cry from those early days when they both carried Leanna as if they would break her. “Hot cocoa with shots of espresso?” Moiraine suggests.
Siuan smiles and adds, “With marshmallows and whipped cream.”
“Of course. I know how my wife takes her coffee.”
Siuan and Moiraine walk downstairs, and Siuan shivers at the chill of their house in the early morning. “The sleep deprivation is getting to our brains,” Moiraine says. “You’re practically naked and it’s freezing.”
“Good thing I have extra clothes down here from when you took them off me yesterday.” Siuan smiles at the memory. She grabs her jumper and joggers from the sofa, pulls them on, then goes to turn the heat on before returning to Moiraine in the kitchen where she’s already working on making espresso.
Siuan fills up a glass of water and hands it to Moiraine who seems to have already forgotten about her need to hydrate. “Thanks,” Moiraine says with a smile. “Let me see if I can set Leanna down so I can help with breakfast.”
“I can cook,” Siuan offers. “Or I can take Leanna from you. Maybe she’ll want to eat before my breasts explode.”
“That would be a shame seeing as they’re so lovely.”
Siuan laughs at Moiraine’s joke, grabs her waist, and pulls her close for a kiss. Moiraine laughs against Siuan’s lips, and Siuan thinks she couldn’t possibly imagine a happier life than this.
“She’s only half asleep,” Moiraine says, looking down at Leanna, her eyes fluttering open and closed, cuddled between Moiraine and Siuan as they hug. “Do you want to try to feed her? Then maybe she’ll finally take a nap in her bassinet while we eat.”
“Come here, little guppy.” Siuan takes Leanna from Moiraine and walks over to the sofa. Moiraine looks at her phone as she gets out the milk and cocoa, texts a quick reply, before getting a pot to make hot chocolate. “Who’s texting you this early?” Siuan asks.
“Alric. He offered to bring us pastries on his way home.”
“You and Alric text in the middle of the night?” Siuan asks, delighted that Moiraine and Alric have become such good friends.
“His shift was slow, and I was awake. He’s going to stop and pick up breakfast from the bakery near his work.”
“Perfect. We can have our hot cocoa while we wait.”
Moiraine fills a glass of water and brings it over to Siuan. “You gave me water but forgot to get a glass for yourself,” Moiraine chides.
“Thank you, my cichlid.”
“Your fish names are getting sillier,” Moiraine says with a bright smile before walking back to the kitchen.
“They’re amazing and you love them,” Siuan calls after her wife.
“I love you, and you love fish nicknames.”
“I’m still afraid I’m going to screw her up,” Moiraine tells Siuan when Leanna has finally settled in her bassinet next to the sofa. Moiraine is leaning against Siuan’s chest, a throw blanket across their laps, a perfect way to spend the chilly morning while they wait for Alric to drop by.
“I’m sure we’ll both make mistakes,” Siuan says, her fingers stroking Moiraine’s hair, “but we’re not going to screw up our daughter. We’re going to love her and keep her safe. We don’t have to be perfect.”
“Everything so far feels natural.” Moiraine feels almost nervous to admit aloud how easy it’s been to love Leanna. She’d been so afraid she wouldn’t, but Moiraine has been constantly surprised how natural it feels to love Leanna, how quickly Moiraine looked at her baby and fell in love, how much Leanna’s cries break Moiraine’s heart rather than drive her insane. “But when she’s a toddler, I’m not going to know what to do. I’m terrible with kids.”
“That’s an absurd thing to say. I’ve seen you with Leanna for the last four months.”
“She’s different.”
“Because she’s ours,” Siuan says. “I know. Good thing you only have to raise this baby. No one is asking you to raise any other kids.” Moiraine doesn’t feel any better at Siuan’s words though. “We’ll talk about what to do when she gets older and more challenging,” Siuan says like it’s the easiest thing in the world. “I’ve never raised a toddler either. We’ll figure it out together. She’s only four months, so we have some time before we have to start planning what to do with tantrums.” Siuan shifts so that she’s looking at Moiraine, arms still wrapped around her. “Any reason you’re worrying about this now?”
Moiraine takes a deep breath and admits, “Elayne texted me last night about some stupid family drama. I don’t want to raise Leanna how I was raised. I don’t want her to ever wonder if I love her.”
“Moiraine.” Siuan’s voice is filled with sorrow. Not pity, but the same familiar pain Siuan always had when Moiraine expressed these worries before Siuan got pregnant. But there’s something in her tone that says that it’s foolish for Moiraine to worry, that Siuan knows Moiraine better, knows these anxieties are misplaced. But they aren’t, and Moiraine fights back anger, can’t help but feel that there’s a part of herself that Siuan simply doesn’t see.
“I’m not a warm person.”
“You know how much I hate that you think that, don’t you? You are so loving with Leanna and me. And with Lan and our whole family.” Siuan reaches up to hold Moiraine’s face, to stroke her cheek. It makes Moiraine feel so loved. “You don’t have to be warm and fuzzy with the world. You’re nurturing with the people you love. You have been since we met. And you can’t convince me that you aren’t loving and nurturing with Leanna after you spent half the night singing to her and holding her, just as you’ve done for four months.”
“I know you think this is stupid.” Moiraine’s voice cracks, and she hates how close she is to tears. She’s always been so quick to tears, remembers her mother chiding her about it when she was young.
“I don’t.” Siuan rubs Moiraine’s back until she relaxes, powerless when Siuan touches her, unable to ever hold on to anger for long. “It just makes me sad that you feel this way. And angry.” Moiraine stiffens, and Siuan hugs her tighter. “Not at you. At your parents. At everyone who ever hurt you.”
“At conversion therapy, they constantly told us that if we didn’t change that we’d never have a family or children. For other kids that was a threat, but I never thought I was made to have those things anyway.” Siuan sniffles, and Moiraine reaches up to wipe the tears as they start to fall down Siuan’s cheeks. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I’m allowed to cry about this, Moiraine, and so are you. If anyone ever treated Leanna the way your parents or people at that camp treated you – ”
“I would kill them.”
“I know,” Siuan says, her hand on Moiraine’s neck, scratching softly at her scalp. “I know that you would do anything to protect our daughter, and she is going to grow up knowing that too.”
“I hope so.” Moiraine loves Leanna in a way she never knew it was possible to love anyone. “I’d do anything for her.”
“I know that, and Leanna does too. We love her, and we’ll figure the rest of it out.” Moiraine wishes she had Siuan’s confidence about this. “I love you. You can tell me anything.” There’s still so much that Moiraine simply doesn’t speak about from that time in her life. She hates to think about her life before meeting Siuan, hates to remember being a child and teenager so uncomfortable with herself, hates to think of how much she hated her body, how ever after she left home and was living with Lan, she still struggled with feeling ashamed. She’s not that person anymore, and she hates to remember herself that way.
“You know how much I love Leanna, don’t you?” Moiraine asks. As afraid as she is that she’ll do something wrong, she needs Siuan to know that it would never be because Moiraine doesn’t love their child.
“Of course I know that. I understand why you’re afraid, but I am not and have never been worried about what kind of parent you are. You’re an amazing mum, and Leanna and I are both so lucky to have you.”
“I don’t want her to grow up to feel about me the way I do about my mother.”
“I don’t think there’s any risk of that.” Siuan’s thumb caresses Moiraine’s neck softly, and Moiraine hums, thinks if she closes her eyes and stops thinking about her family, she could fall asleep here.
“My brother is planning to run to be an MP,” Moiraine says. “He asked Elayne to go to an event and bring Rand but not Aviendha.”
Siuan laughs. She’s never met Taringail, but she’s heard stories from both Moiraine and Elayne about how awful he is. “I could see how his daughter being in a polycule might not work well with the image he’s trying to project.”
“My mother wanted me to come to a photo op.”
“Did she text you?” Siuan asks, back going stiff and looking ready to fight Moiraine’s mother.
“Who’s the cichlid now,” Moiraine teases, though she loves that Siuan is protective, is so grateful for the reminder any time Moiraine has to deal with her family just how abusive they were. Sometimes it would be easy to forget and think of her family as simply a little cold, less warm than she wants to be as a mother.
“No. I think she asked Elayne and Annie to feel me out before asking herself. Honestly, I’m surprised he’d even want his lesbian sister whose views go against everything he’s campaigning on to be at a press event.”
“I’m always ready to crash any Damodred family event you want,” Siuan says cheerfully.
“I think I’d rather avoid my family, but the offer of going and causing chaos would make Elayne happy.”
“If you change your mind, I bet Grandma would also be happy to come along and introduce herself to her in-laws,” Siuan suggests with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. Moiraine can’t help but laugh at the idea of how much chaos Grandma, Siuan, and Elayne would undoubtedly cause.
“Taringail is a dangerous person,” Moiraine says, sobering as the reality returns to her mind. “He might have someone try to hurt you if you ever publicly opposed him.”
“Then we will stay clear of your relatives.” Siuan tucks a strand of hair behind Moiraine’s ear, caresses her cheek, and stares in that way Siuan has that makes Moiraine feel like someone is looking into her soul. “I wish I could have spared you the pain of growing up how you did.”
“I know you think it’s silly for me to worry,” Moiraine says. “I just never learned how to be a good mother.”
“But you are anyway.”
“You’ll tell me if I’m not?”
“I will,” Siuan promises. “Now let me tell you what an incredible mother you already are and how seeing you holding Leanna and singing to her makes me fall even more in love with you.”
“You’re not Alric,” Moiraine says when Lan opens the door and walks in. Everyone knows better than to knock or ring the bell these days, and Lan and Alric simply let themselves in whenever they like.
“Nice to see you too too.” Lan takes off his shoes and puts on his slippers, waiting with the other shoes by the door. He walks over to Leanna, smiling at her as she sleeps. “Alric will be here soon, but I was on my way home from the gym so I thought I would stop by too. I always want to spend more time with Leanna.”
“Why were you at the gym this early?” Moiraine asks, immediately worried that Lan hasn’t been sleeping, that something is wrong.
“You know me,” Lan says as he sits down on the other sofa. “I’m not great at sleeping.”
“Now we know who to blame from Leanna keeping you up half the night,” Siuan tells Moiraine. “Those are not my genes.”
“Certainly not,” Moiraine replies. “You’ve never met a piece of furniture you can’t nap on.”
“Alric and I can either keep Leanna at our flat tonight or if you prefer, I’ll stay here and keep Leanna with me.”
“Either would be good,” Siuan says, though Moiraine knows she still gets a little nervous when Leanna isn’t with them overnight. “Apologize to Alric’s family for us. We would love to see them, but I think napping and showering need to be the priority today.”
“I’m sure they’ll understand, and I’m sure they’ll send us home with lots of food for you.”
Moiraine’s phone vibrates and she picks it up. A text from Anvaere. “More Damodrama?” Siuan asks.
Moiraine laughs. “What an awful joke,” she says as she gasps for air.
“Of course. All the worst jokes make people die of laughter.”
Moiraine smacks Siuan’s arm and tries to stop laughing. She fails, keeps giggling, feels a little bit delirious after so little sleep.
“What’s happening with your family?” Lan asks. He looks as ready to fight on Moiraine’s behalf as Siuan does.
“You’re both cichlids,” Moiraine says then starts laughing again.
“What?” Lan asks.
“Just Moiraine pretending she doesn’t love my fish jokes. Cichlids are very protective.”
Moiraine’s phone lights up with more messages. She reads them and groans loudly. “What?” Siuan asks, and Moiraine hands over the phone.
“Why is Anvaere planning a dinner party with your mother and inviting us?”
“Something to do with Taringail no doubt.”
“Taringail?” Lan asks.
“He’s planning a political career, and it seems as if he would like to make sure his lesbian sister and bi daughter don’t get in the way.”
Lan smiles and tells Moiraine, “Siuan is right. That does sound like Damodrama. You’re not going to this are you?”
“I haven’t seen my mother since my father died,” Moiraine says. It’s not as if she wants to see her mother, but she knows it will be impossible to avoid her forever if Moiraine and Anvaere are going to continue to have a relationship. Especially now that Annie is dating again, probably will jump into a marriage far too soon.
“We could always offer to host dinner here,” Siuan says. Moiraine frowns at the idea, but Siuan’s smile is all mischief. “That way we could have Grandma and Grandpa come. And Alric’s nan. The three of them would have such fun tormenting your mother.”
Leanna starts to cry, and Lan jumps up. “It’s my turn,” Lan says, picking Leanna up before she starts wailing in earnest. “Isn’t that right, sweetheart? I heard you kept Mummy up all night.”
“It’s weird when you call me Mummy,” Moiraine tells Lan.
He holds Leanna up and sniffs. “Well, there’s the problem. Come on, you need a new diaper.”
“Siuan’s right,” Alric says over breakfast.
“Music to my ears,” Siuan says between bites of croissant, her free hand resting on Moiraine’s thigh. Siuan loves the family they’ve created, the complete ease Moiraine has now being affectionate in front of Alric too.
“If you’re going to see your family, Moiraine,” Alric continues, “then we need to do it somewhere that we can surround them with Siuan and my families. If your mother meets Leanna, then she needs to know that baby is protected by two mums, a dad, the world’s best uncle, and a whole extended family.”
“My mother isn’t going to care about Leanna. She’s going to tell me that Leanna isn’t really my child.” Siuan squeezes Moiraine’s leg, aches for how awful her family is, how much they’ve made Moiraine doubt herself.
“Oh, fuck her,” Alric says, and Siuan is grateful for her best friend’s fury and for the way it makes Moiraine laugh. “Lan and I will pick her up throw her out the instant she tries to suggest that you aren’t Leanna’s mum.”
“That would be quite a sight,” Moiraine tells Alric. Moiraine is joking about this, but Siuan knows how much it hurts, can’t stop thinking about how much Moiraine’s mum did to hurt Moiraine, to make her question herself and her own goodness.
“Important question,” Siuan says, because she can sense that Moiraine doesn’t want to keep talking about her family now, needs time to decide what she wants to do. “Have you two picked out Halloween costumes yet?”
“Yes,” Alric answers.
At the same time Lan replies, “No.” They both laugh, then Lan clarifies, “Alric picked costumes for us both, but they’re awful.”
“Halloween is in two days,” Siuan says. “So, if you don’t come up with something better then Alric’s costumes are going to win.”
“They’re incredible. Peanut butter and jelly. Lan is the peanut butter of course. My cute, little peanut butter obsessed American boyfriend.” Siuan watches Lan’s cheeks get nearly as red as Moiraine’s do when she’s embarrassed.
“Your grandma texted. She’s outside,” Moiraine says when her phone lights up with an incoming message. Her hands are in a bowl of cookie dough, having given up on mixing with a wooden spoon.
Siuan leans over, pushing past the enormous pufferfish costume to kiss Moiraine. “I’ll let them in,” Siuan says, and Moiraine smiles at her, looks so incredibly happy just to have a quiet Halloween with silly costumes, family, snacks, and horror movies. “Were you staring at my udders?” Siuan asks, gesturing at her cow costume.
“Always. Now go let your grandparents in. It’s cold outside.”
Siuan opens the door to find her grandparents in Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head costumes. Her grandfather’s wheelchair has a hand painted sign that reads Potatomobile.
“Nice ride,” Siuan jokes, leaning over to hug her grandad.
“I hate it,” he replies with a scowl, “but I’m not going to miss out of Halloween with my great-granddaughter.”
“Your great-granddaughter is being changed by a jar of peanut butter at the moment,” Siuan says. “But my pufferfish of a wife has mulled cider on the stove for you to enjoy while you wait for baby Dory.”
“Why aren’t you also a fish?” Grandad asks.
“Because all I do these days is produce milk. Like a cow. Get it?” Siuan asks, and her grandad has the audacity to groan. “It’s hilarious.”
“Tragic that the Sanche sense of humor skipped your generation,” he tells her. “Hopefully Leanna will be as funny as your old grandad.”
“I think it’s funny, dear,” Grandma reassures Siuan, though she’s quickly distracted by Lan and Alric coming downstairs with a freshly changed Leanna. “There’s my favorite guppy and my favorite grandsons.” She takes Leanna from Lan’s arms, kisses Lan then Alric on the cheeks, and carries Leanna into the kitchen. Siuan watches her grandmother pull Moiraine into a hug. Moiraine kisses Leanna’s forehead, and Leanna reaches out for Moiraine’s face with a big smile. Moiraine smiles back, kissing Leanna’s chubby little hands. Siuan knows Moiraine worries, knows Moiraine has never been good with other kids or particularly fond of them, but she’s incredible with their kid. Siuan smiles as she watches, imagines Moiraine sitting with a five-year-old Leanna and explaining law or history or philosophy. Siuan’s grandad has been reading her philosophy since she was that age, and she’d loved it, loved being treated like she was clever enough to understand complex ideas. Siuan is sure Moiraine will be like that with Leanna, always talking to her like she’s an adult, but still completely loving and protective. Siuan has no doubt Leanna will grow up knowing how loved she is.
Grandad stands up and Siuan wraps her arm around him and supports him as they walk slowly to the sofa. “We should get you a spare walker to keep her,” Siuan suggests. She helps him get comfortable then asks, “What would you like to drink? We have mulled cider spiked and not, hot cocoa, tea, coffee, water.”
“I’ll take a cider, no alcohol.”
“I’ve got it,” Alric calls, and Siuan watches her friend in his grape jelly costume squeeze past Moiraine’s giant pufferfish costume to get a mug. “What do you want, Siuan?”
“Same for me.”
By the third movie of the evening, nearly everyone is asleep, Siuan’s grandparents on one sofa, Lan and Alric on the other, Leanna in her bassinet, Jenny on her bed, and Moiraine and Siuan sitting on the floor together. Siuan and Moiraine are awake, but just barely. Moiraine’s costume is sitting next to her, had gotten in the way of cuddling. Let the Right One In is still playing in the background, but Moiraine is too tired to read subtitles, just closes her eyes and listens to the Swedish in the background while Siuan strokes Moiraine’s hair softly.
“Do you want to go up to bed?” Siuan whispers. Moiraine nuzzles her face against Siuan’s chest, fuzzy and cozy in her cow costume. Moiraine shakes her head, and Siuan kisses her hair. “All right, love. You sleep here.”
“Not sleeping,” Moiraine murmurs, and Siuan just laughs quietly then kisses Moiraine’s head again.
When Moiraine wakes next, her neck aches, the room is bright, and there is chattering all around. Siuan’s arms are still wrapped around Moiraine. She blinks her eyes open, and Siuan smiles with so much affection as she starts rubbing Moiraine’s sore neck. “Good morning, my narcoleptic angelfish.”
The name takes Moiraine by surprise, and she can’t stifle her laugh. “I don’t think angelfish develop narcolepsy.”
Siuan kisses Moiraine’s lips, then stands and pulls Moiraine up with her. “We didn’t mean to wake you,” Siuan’s grandma says, coming over to hug Moiraine. She turns to Siuan next. “And a proper hug for you.”
“Thanks for coming,” Siuan says. “And for cleaning.” It’s only then that Moiraine realizes the kitchen is clean, the living room tidied up. She hears Lan in the guestroom that has become his part-time bedroom talking to Leanna.
“What time is it?” Moiraine asks, completely disoriented. It could be eight or midnight for all she knows.
“Just past ten,” Grandma says. “We all took a nap except Siuan. Grandad and I called a taxi. Should be here any minute.”
Moiraine and Siuan go to hug her grandad goodbye and thank him for coming. It’s nice to do this kind of thing. A little party with family. Moiraine didn’t grow up with family who simply drop by, who bring food and clean up, family who arrive and take care of Leanna for the evening. Moiraine’s family is so formal, would plan visits weeks in advance, would expect to be hosted properly if they were visiting. But Siuan’s family just stops by to help, to drop off food, to clean the house or take Leanna for a few hours so Moiraine and Siuan can nap.
“Are you all right?” Siuan asks, her hand on Moiraine’s cheek.
Moiraine nods. “I was just thinking about how nice this is.”
Siuan looks worried still, but they’re interrupted for a moment by the taxi arriving. Moiraine and Siuan go outside to help her grandparents into the taxi, folding up the wheelchair for them, and exchanging a few more hugs before they leave. Moiraine turns to Siuan with a smile. “I can’t believe you’re still wearing this costume.” Moiraine grabs one of Siuan’s udders, and Siuan laughs so loudly that Moiraine thinks they might wake their neighbors.
“Come on, pufferfish,” Siuan says as she wraps her arm around Moiraine’s waist and guides her back inside. It’s warm and cozy, the house still smells like mulled cider. Moiraine kisses Siuan.
“That was a fun Halloween,” Moiraine tells Siuan.
“See. I knew you’d get into the spirit once I put a costume on you.”
“I’m glad your grandparents could come.”
“They wouldn’t miss it. They love dressing up.” Siuan smiles, that soft, warm, understanding smile as if she can see into Moiraine’s soul. “And they love us and Leanna. They love you so much.”
“I know.” There’s no reason for Moiraine’s voice to crack, for her eyes to blur with tears, no reason why it should make her so emotional to spend an evening with family.
“I love you too,” Siuan says, her thumb wiping a tear away as it falls from Moiraine’s eye. She sniffles and tries to stop more tears from coming.
“I must be tired,” Moiraine says, shaking her head. Siuan frowns with worry. “I’m happy. That’s all.”
“It isn’t.” Siuan holds Moiraine’s head in her hands, thumbs stroking softly across her jaw and cheeks. For a long moment, Siuan watches Moiraine silently. She’s too tired to explain though, too tired to find words for the mixture of joy and melancholy. “Want to go to bed?” Siuan asks eventually when Moiraine doesn’t say anything more about how she’s feeling.
Alric pops his head out of the guest room to inform them, “Leanna and Lan are already asleep. We’ll see you in the morning.”
“You are the best uncle,” Siuan tells Alric.
“Oh, I know. Have a good night. Daddy and Uncle Alric are on night baby duty.”
“Thank you,” Moiraine tells Alric. He smiles then goes back into the guest room, quietly shutting the door and turning off the lights.
What a wonderful, unconventional family they’ve built, Moiraine thinks. She’d never wanted children, but when she thought of it, she’d imagined herself with a husband she didn’t love and a child who felt like a burden, a child who she looked at the way her mother looked at Moiraine. She never imagined a loving family around them, just isolation, duty, a life that felt like a prison.
“Come, my sexy cow,” Moiraine says. She grabs two udders on Siuan’s costume again just to make her laugh. “Let me take you to bed.”
“Do you think I can make removing a cow costume sexy?”
“Siuan, you made wearing a cow costume sexy. I’ve no doubt that you can make taking it off even hotter.”
“Can’t sleep?” Lan asks when Moiraine walks down the stairs. It’s nearly three in the morning, and Leanna is eagerly drinking a bottle in Lan’s arms. He’d imagined being a father since he was young, always babysat his cousins and kids in his neighborhood. He never thought parenthood would be like this.
Moiraine sits down next to Lan and reaches over to touch Leann’s hand. For years Lan resigned himself to not having any family besides Moiraine. She doesn’t offer to take Leanna from Lan, must be upset and grateful to see him awake if she isn’t telling him he can go to sleep. He waits, learned long ago that if he gives her enough time, she’ll talk to him.
They watch Leanna finish her bottle, her eyes drifting closed as she dozes off in Lan’s arms. He sets down the bottle, content to keep holding Leanna as she sleeps. “You’re a good father,” Moiraine says. Leanna’s fingers are wrapped around Moiraine’s pointer finger, holding tight while she sleeps.
Lan shifts to wrap his arm around Moiraine and pull her against his chest. “And you are a good mother.”
“I try.”
“I promised you before Leanna was born that I would always tell you if I thought you did something wrong. That promise stands.”
“Good.” Moiraine looks up at Lan.
“She loves you so much,” Lan tells Moiraine.
“She’s only four months old. She can’t feel love.”
“She feels safe with you. When she’s afraid or upset, she wants you to hold her. She trusts you to take care of her.” Lan smiles at Moiraine, unsure what has her worried about this now. The tears in her eyes make him certain though that this is what was troubling Moiraine. “I imagine that’s more than you ever got from your family.”
“You, Siuan, and Leanna are my family.”
“We are,” Lan promises. “I called my mother yesterday.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“We were busy with Halloween,” Lan replies, but Moiraine still looks hurt. “I was waiting for a moment alone to talk with you.” He shakes his head. “It didn’t go well.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s what I expected. I don’t know why I tried.”
“Why did you?” Moiraine asks, no judgment, but curiosity. She’s stronger than Lan is, would never ask her mother to have anything to do with Leanna.
“I wouldn’t have let my parents see Leanna without talking to you and Siuan first.”
“Lan, it’s all right. Tell me what happened.”
“I just wanted to tell my mom that I had a daughter and that I was happy. And I wanted to talk with my grandmother. My mom wouldn’t let me. She told me that my grandma was too frail for a shock like knowing I’m gay.”
Moiraine reaches over to grasp Lan’s hand. He looks down at her hand over his resting on their daughter’s back. Moiraine is Lan’s family. It’s what they promised each other at sixteen. “We can go visit,” Moiraine offers, as she has for years every time Lan talks about wanting to see his grandmother again. Siuan, Alric, and I can find a way to get your parents out of the house so you can see your grandma.”
“The thought of lying to her is too hard. I want to see her, but I can’t imagine lying to her and pretending Leanna doesn’t exist.”
“Maybe it won’t matter to her that you’re gay,” Moiraine says, because she knows Lan wouldn’t lie to his grandmother, wouldn’t see her again and hide who he is.
“Maybe.” Lan smiles sadly at Moiraine, lets the silence of the night settle around them, and feels so grateful that she’s his family.
“Happy November,” Alric greets Siuan and Moiraine when they come downstairs. The whole house smells like cinnamon and butter.
“You baked for us?” Siuan asks, almost certain that smell is Alric’s cinnamon rolls.
“Leanna and I did,” Alric answers. The baby carrier is on his chest, and Siuan can see Leanna is sleeping, Alric rocking back and forth as he makes coffee. “I have to teach my niece to bake, since her mothers are not exactly skilled at it.”
“I’m an excellent cook,” Siuan counters.
“True. Your baking however…” Alric trails off pointedly.
“That was fifteen years ago.”
“You gave me food poisoning.”
“I still am not sure it was the pie.”
“How does someone even ruin a pie that badly?” Alric teases.
“Did Leanna behave last night?” Siuan asks. She walks over to Alric and her sleeping daughter. It is adorable how much Alric enjoys being an uncle and how content Leanna looks sleeping against his chest.
“Lan and Moiraine were up with her for a couple hours, but I think that was mostly their insomnia and not Leanna’s fault,” Alric says, and Siuan turns to Moiraine who smiles sheepishly.
“I’m fine,” Moiraine says before Siuan can even ask.
“Come here, you little pufferfish.”
“I’m feeding Jenny,” Moiraine says, their dog standing next to Moiraine with eager pleading eyes.
Siuan walks over, waits until Moiraine sets down Jenny’s bowl, then wraps her arms around Moiraine’s waist. “You should have woken me.”
“I’m all right.”
“Ok,” Siuan agrees for now. They’ll talk later when they’re alone. Siuan kisses Moiraine and holds her close.
“Your mummies are so stupidly in love, Leanna,” Alric says, and Siuan and Moiraine smile against each other’s lips. “Yes, they are. You are going to grow up seeing so much kissing. Don’t worry though, you can stay with your Daddy and me anytime it gets to be too much.” Siuan rolls her eyes at her friend then returns to kissing Moiraine.