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The games were supposed to be fun. Grian had made them to help the others blow off some steam and cause some chaos and destruction without risking anything, and yet here he was, curled up in his egg shaped house, with no friends or allies (even if he knew that everyone there was his friend when the games weren’t happening), and wishing that he wasn’t alone.
For a moment, he thought that he might be able to team up with Scar again, even with how that had ended the first time around, but whatever Scar’s task was had messed with Grian’s head and he couldn’t figure it out, but Scar had denied being friends and allies, and he couldn’t find Mumbo, but even if he did, Mumbo already had a team- heck everyone but him had a friend or ally and he hated it.
He didn’t like being alone, it was why he tended to mess with the Hermits on a daily basis, and the only times he was alone was when he was trapped in the building zone and couldn’t focus on the world around him because he was too caught up in building and nothing but the build mattered. And yet, here he was, sitting alone, low on hunger and missing a few hearts, with a secret task that he still had to complete, wishing that everything would end.
It wasn’t often that he got like this, not since he left Evo and was a permanent member of Hermitcraft, and yet, being alone for this game, for Secret Life, had him rapidly falling back into his old high school mindset, the one that Sam had helped drill into his mind, and now had those old voices screaming for blood, screaming for his blood.
He didn’t want to relapse, didn’t want to fall back into those old habits, but the longer he sat there alone, comm just out of his reach and with no plans to move, the harder it got to ignore the urge to just claw as much skin off of his arms as he could.
He knew he should call for someone, knew that if he asked for help, or asked for someone to come and visit him, to just sit with him for a few minutes, then they would, no questions asked (at least he thought they would), but the thought of moving, the thought of grabbing his comm, the thought of actually calling for help, for admitting that he couldn’t actually do this, couldn’t be alone without spiralling, was just too daunting of a task; he didn’t want to be seen as weak or useless, the he had to have someone with him near constantly to prevent himself from spiralling.
He didn’t realise that, while he was spiralling, his breathing had started to pick up, and he had his left hand clawing at the skin of his right wrist, digging in as hard as it can and then dragging his nails down, pulling thin layers of skin with it, blood slowly starting to bead up in the rapidly forming scratches.
In fact, he was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t realise that someone was approaching his little nest egg, didn’t see the vibrant blue eyes that widened in shock and horror when the person walking towards him panicked at his state, panicked at the blood that was now slowly rolling down his arms, at his erratic breathing and glazed over eyes.
He didn’t realise when Jimmy, one of his best friends, ran over to him, gently grabbing his hands and pulling them apart, keeping a hold on them, even as the younger scrambled to remove the jean jacket that he always worse, draping it over Grian’s shaking figure, muttering softly to him that everything was alright, and that he was here, that Grian wasn’t alone anymore; Grian didn’t hear any of this, nor did he hear the ding of his comm when Jimmy sent off a message calling for a break.
***
When Jimmy had gone to visit Grian at his base, having not seen the older around for the past hour, which was odd considering that they all had tasks to be completed, and it was rare for Grian to be mining this late in the session, so he figured that something had to have happened.
What he hadn’t been expecting was to find Grian in the mist of a panic attack, one hand clawing at his wrist and drawing blood, nor for Grian to not even notice his arrival, nor react to him separating his hands, draping his jacket over his shoulders, or calling for the session to go on break; he wouldn’t tell the others why, not wanting to worry them about Grian’s condition, nor did he want to overwhelm Grian if the others insisted on coming to make sure Grian was alright.
So there he sat, still holding onto Grian’s hands, whispering soft reassurances to his friend, and praying to any deity that might be listening that everything really would be alright.
Eventually though, it seemed like Jimmy’s presence was finally realised, as Grian sucked in a full breath, head whipping over to stare, wide eyes, at the younger.
Jimmy just smiled, knowing better than to say anything at the moment, letting Grian take control of the situation.
“When did- what- I don’t- you didn’t-” Grian stuttered, tripping over his words and thoughts as he tried to figure out just what he wanted to say.
“I got here a little bit ago, probably about 10 minutes ago now. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to, but you have to at least tell someone on Hermitcraft about this, just like Evo. I know you used to go to Mini and Zee back then, and I know that you prefer to go to Xisuma rather than Scar or Mumbo because you don’t want to worry them with this, just like you didn’t want to worry any of use about your panic attacks and self harming back on Evo. You don’t have to right now, though, as long as you’ll try and stay safe- or as safe as we can in the games all things considered- for the rest of Secret Life.” Jimmy was quick to figure out what Grian had been wanting to say, not to mention the fact that he had been planning what he would say to the older for the past few minutes, not wanting to trip over his own tongue and potentially make things worse.
“I don’t want to be alone,” Grian whispered, curling in on himself, and that was all Jimmy needed to hear to know what had set this off; it had been a while since Grian had relapsed like this, or at least that he knew of, not since he had moved closer to the others on Evo and started hanging out with them more, and Grian had spilled some of his trauma late one night on Evo, near the day when they were all planning on fighting the Ender Dragon, and had all gotten drunk to celebrate Grian’s final few days as Evo’s Admin, which led him to panicking the next morning when he remembered just what he had told them.
“I’m sure any one of us would be more than happy to team up with you. You just have to ask,” Jimmy hummed, opening up his inventory and pulling out some bandages and a bucket of water.
Grian only whined at that, thinking back to his interaction with Scar, while Jimmy set to work on cleaning up and bandaging his arms.
“Or, if it’s getting to be too much and you want to go back to Hermitcraft and let us finish up the game, you know we’ll all be fine. Just a suggestion, though,” Jimmy offered, huffing when Grian shook his head.
“Alright, well, like I said, you just need to ask, and I’m sure we’ll happily welcome you into our groups. We all love you after all, and the games are meant to be fun; they’re not fun if you’re upset.”
Grian nodded, before letting Jimmy finish up bandaging his arm, and, once he had finished, tipped into his side, nearly knocking the two of them the rest of the way to the ground.
Jimmy just grunted, before shifting to accommodate Grian’s weight, the two sitting there for a few minutes, just calming down, before Grian suddenly sat up, turning to stare at Jimmy.
“Is the game still in session?”
“No, I called for a break. I didn’t let the others know why, though. Didn’t want to overwhelm you. Why? Do you feel like starting again?”
Grian rolled his eyes, before grabbing his comm, seeing the influx of messages asking Jimmy why he called for a break.
Before answering the messages and letting the others know that the break was off and they were free to go again, Grian turned to look at Jimmy.
“Thanks for helping me. I’ll let X know when we get back to Hermitcraft, promise.”
With that though, Grian let the others know that the game was back on and was off, deciding to take Jimmy’s advice and see if he could find a group to ally with, leaving Jimmy alone in the Nest Egg for a moment.
Jimmy only huffed a laugh, before following Grian, knowing that he would do anything to help his best friend, no matter what.