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Dark was all she could see, even if she wasn't completely blind or had her eyes covered. She couldn't ever see her own hands, as if the sun shut down and light disappeared from everywhere, leaving her standing alone in the pitch darkness.
Her chest felt constricting as breathing increasingly became more difficult as seconds passed, oxygen not flowing smoothly as all she managed was just quick grasps of air that didn't alleviate her.
Weeping inconsolably, Ellie didn't know what to do, her mind running millions of kilometers at high speed with everything and nothing at the same time, leaving her desperate for only one second of peace she couldn’t get.
A loud thud was heard as her knees hit hard on the floor, pain being nothing against the one withering her body, nails digging hard in her arms trying to feel any other pain than the one she had.
She crumbled right there, spiralling into the abyss of despair that hit her like a thunder and shocked her in that cycle of darkness and loneliness.
The same one she felt once. In the Krampus Case. Made all by Gregor Ansbach. The same kind she felt when he was in her house, kissing her and stealing from her the only thing she couldn’t protect.
Herself.
Ellie wanted to scream, wanted to run and hide even when there was nothing to run nor hide from, she wanted to die right there.
Ellie wanted peace. And peace she got.
Even with her mind wrecked, she sensed something in that vast, black space. She tried looking from where it came, but it was in vain.
But she could hear it, subtle movement like the wings of a bird, coming in from somewhere. And as if her body resounded with the sound, she stretched her hand, and waited.
Far away, she saw an indistinguishable little torch of light slowly zigzagging closer in her direction, moving up and falling down through its journey to her.
A solitary butterfly posed over her fingertips, delicately flapping its wings in a slow pace as showing its beauty for her eyes. It was small, barely noticing its presence if it wasn't for the ticklish sensation of long legs moving and the beautiful glow it carried within.
Ellie didn't know what it was or why it was here, but she was embellished by the colours of it. A bright blue fading into obscure tones painted its wings, giving the illusion of eyes looking at her. Deep, vibrant baby blue eyes.
Strangely, it calmed her and made breathing possible as she synchronised them with the movements of the wings. Exhaling when the wings fell, inhaling again when they raised.
Looking closer, it reminded her of somebody, but she couldn't deduce who it was as her mind was still all over the place. However, it felt familiar as the butterfly laid so confidently still with her, feeling warm woven along her own fingers.
Suddenly, the insect started changing to a bright, explosive shade of blue and Ellie felt it getting more and more warmer as it set on fire, showing the unmeasurable power it held if it wanted to burn the whole world. The insect couldn't yell nor emit any sound, but in silence she heard all the screaming. The thing refused to scream, but she sensed it.
Still, it didn't. Not because it couldn't, but because it held itself to die alone and unknown as it planned. However, where it laid was slowly burning up, the flames climbing up step by step through her phalanges until it started covering her body.
Much to her surprise, it was far from hurting as she expected. It was hot, but it felt warm and gentle as fire surrounded her, claiming her as part of it. The insect died, but not the flame it arose. It was hugging her in a consoling way, illuminating every corner of her soul like a beacon of hope, bringing the peace she needed.
With every second passing, it slowly tightened its hold around her and she could hear the crispy sound of wood burning; except there was no wood. As she paid more attention, she recognised the noise turning into words, clear soothing words with a very distinguishable thick Austrian accent being whispered in her ear, a hand brushing her head delicately.
Suddenly, the scenery changed. Ellie wasn't surrounded by darkness anymore, but was in a place full of people lively passing around and talking, happily spending their time shopping and walking.
Slowly, the butterfly morphed into a bigger body holding her closer. They weren't on fire, but she felt her own core burning at the soft feeling of a cotton shirt rubbing where her cheek laid.
Ellie was agitated, she realized.
Her two arms tightening around him was the same feeling she got from the burning butterfly, with the same tinges of smoke and whisky that she hated and loved.
It's been a long time since it happened, but usually December is a hard time for both of them, especially for Ellie. Years have passed from Ansbach's shenanigans and death, but the wounds he inflicted on her never disappeared. She learnt to cope with the help of therapy and Gedeon as her sidekick companion, never turning her down or leaving her alone.
However, shopping at this time always made her feel anxious and paranoid, as if he could come back and blow the whole place up just for his pleasure. And today it seemed like a reminder of those awful times, given how tired and shaky she was after a panic attack induced by the noise of the crowd of people oblivious as if nothing bad could happen or happened before.
She never thought a single kiss on the forehead could work miracles, but Gedeon made them possible. How? She would never know, but it worked as she relaxed, her breathing getting even as he also breathed in a calm pace. Even his heartbeats helped, listening to them so loud and so close as her eyes remained closed for a few seconds.
She used to hate how vulnerable she felt, usually growling at others to stay away and to pick her own pieces, repairing herself alone in the best way she could. Now, gazing up, Gedeon was looking down at her, his eyes showing both love and worry for her state, her blurry mind remembering where they were.
"Finally came back?" Gedeon finally asked, trying to sound sarcastic, yet his voice betraying the worry choking him.
"How long was it?” She hesitated.
“Just a few minutes.”
It took her all she had before she could form another sentence.
“Can we go home?”
“Of course, Ellie.” He answered, never leaving her and never breaking the embrace that so tightly held her.
Exhaling again, she could feel the tiredness washing off her body, yet not completely disappearing from her. Slowly, she stared up again, Gedeon’s eyes already looking back down, soft baby blue eyes shining brightly under the shadows of his forehead and the long hair that cascaded down, making a barrier.
“Take me home.” She whispered, feeling her own eyelids heavier.
“Sure.”
It was all he said. One word and they were slowly walking back, Gedeon never leaving her side as he helped her walk back to the car, not letting her move more than what was necessary. As much as Ellie hated it, she couldn’t fight him today, but she was glad he made the effort of taking care of her.
The way back home was silent, but not uncomfortable at all. And once she hit the bed, covering herself up the head, she allowed some tears to fall down her cheeks as she fell asleep, now in the safe and comfort of her own house.
She dreamed with darkness again, but this time she didn’t fear it.
She wasn’t alone.