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The glow of the computer screen was the only thing that illuminated the small bluebird's face this evening. He sniffled, brushing his tearstained feathers out of his eyes. The screen displayed a similar-looking, yet visibly more mature bird, laughing and smiling with wings cheerfully wrapped around friends. Berdly's throat tightened further, and the cold, undecorated feeling of his room felt even more unwelcoming. It was hard, moving to a new place once your brother had gone to college.
Henry was the favorite child, the one who always got all the attention, the one who always made their mom proud. Henry was everything Berdly was not. This was the reason Berdly sat crying in his room with no light other than his computer screen, displaying his brother's nineteenth birthday party. His heart ached with an amalgamation of feelings: pride, longing, fear, hatred, anxiety.
His mom was out of town, at a work meeting. She wouldn't be back 'til Christmas, just under a week away. He had to be alone for another five days---no car, no friends, no idea what to do.
He thought to do what classmates did when their parents were out of town: throw a party, if he could. Unfortunately, that meant reaching out.
It was exhausting. The general invitation was simple: "My house is free for a party this week!!"
...Always met with silence. No signs of life. Nothing.
Thus, he began reaching out to people individually. This was potentially an even worse idea, considering how his peers viewed him.
"I'm babysitting, sorry."
"I've got work this whole week."
"Sorry, I can't..."
"I would, but..."
"It's just..."
It was becoming exhausting. Reaching out over and over again just to be met with rejection every single time wasn't just frustrating, it was humiliating.
I can't do this anymore...
He slept in a pool of his own tears, drowning in sorrows of unmet needs. It's not a crime to want to be loved, is it? The soft white blanket was the only thing keeping him company that night, and the next morning, his eyes were dark; his eyelids stuck together.
What was there to do? He didn't want to get up. The only feasible thing to do was rot in bed all day, not giving himself a single moment to think about how much it hurt. His back stung.
Last night wasn't the first time he had done it. It wasn't that bad, he reasoned. Just a couple feathers. Berdly sat in the dark of his room in the middle of the night and cried as he tore out his feathers.
It was just one at a time at first, but it evolved. The pain wasn't enough, it felt too familiar. A small handful would do. And so, the bluebird began to skin himself.
The flesh underneath was raw and ugly, and he regretted it in the morning when he looked in the mirror. Large patches of spotted flesh were visible around his back and arms, poking out beneath his feathers, which were also beginning to fray from Berdly's rough handling. He felt numb. Unexpressive. Broken.
He didn't deserve it, even if he wasn't liked.
Did his classmates talk behind his back? Was his mother proud of him? He didn't think so. He hadn't done anything worthy of being proud of recently. Berdly's most recent accomplishment as a high school student was joining the robotics team as a freshman. Not leading the team, not winning awards, just joining. It felt pathetic. And it wasn't for lack of trying, he just felt like he was...falling behind.
Other students understood things in ways Berdly didn't: how to make friends, for one. The only person that might've cared about him was Noelle Holiday, the smartest girl in his class, but her family left town after her sister disappeared. Berdly ached to know what it would be like to leave without anyone knowing. Would anyone even care?
Any romantic trysts had also failed. Kris Dreemurr, despite sharing classes with Berdly, clearly hated him: they avoided him at all costs and hardly spoke to him. Kris' friend Susie was the same way. She was the bullying type, and he would never admit his affection for her loud, courageous persona.
He was even shunned in the Dark World: Queen only pretended to be his friend so she could rule the world, and...
He struggled to remember anything after that short period of his life. Berdly ended up in the hospital with an ice-cold headache and severe memory loss once he returned from Cyber City. There began his problems with pulling out feathers.
He wasn't strong enough to fight it, he couldn't resist the temptation of pain when he knew it was inevitable. He wanted to go back to a normal life, but how could he, if his life had never been normal to begin with?