Archive of Our Own ^beta

The Son

“…Okay…You can do this!”

A black haired boy said to himself as he walked ahead of his... them.

“You got this, remember them!”

Wait, who is them? Well, it doesn't matter; they are my friends!

When he finally reached the front, passing them, forgetting them, he lifted his head with a dazzling, warm smile. Then he struck a ridiculous, yet welcoming. pose.  

“My name is Natsuki Subaru! A completely average person! A die-hard mayonnaise lover! And above all a guy who’s friends with everyone across this world!”

Darkness, again, why is everything so hazy?

Why can’t he remember? My back hurts, my heart hurts, I can’t breathe!?

“UGHH-”

“SUBARU ARE YOU OKAY!?”

A woman with sharp eyes swung the door to look at her son.

“Please tell me you are okay.”

She held the boy’s hand as the boy started to calm down.

Who is this person? Oh, right, it’s my mom.

“You forgetting someone, I suppose.”

“UGK”

“Subaru, tell me what’s wrong. Is it a nightmare?”

“...”

“Please,”

His mother said it with such conviction that it made Subaru flinch, feeling as if he did not deserve to be loved so much.

“ I am too old to have nightmares, don’t worry ... mom”

The last word came out hesitantly as if he regretted claiming her as his own mother. He then turned away from her, not wanting to look at her face as if it reminded him of the past.

“  I just remembered... something”

Though he only saw it at the corner of his eye, his mother’s eyes were shocked.

“Do... do you, remember...”

Subaru blinked in surprise. It felt as if his mother knew something he didn’t. Why did she look so worried—like he was about to step into danger?

Ugh, my head hurts!

I love you

“ UGH- Why... why do you love me?”

Subaru didn’t mean to say it out loud, not to his mother, maybe he did in a part of his heart, but not this time, he was asking why the voice loved him, the sweet voice that both comforted and hurt him. He did not remember but to ask why.

“ Because you are my son, my only precious son.”

She said it with such love that anyone would believe her,  anyone but the one who needed it most.

“ I didn’t mean to you, sorry, mo-, leave my room please,”

“Sub-, okay, my son, you need time to rest,”

He flinched.

Sadness and pain hurt her as she got up and left the room, hesitantly letting go of his arm.

The door closed, and finally, Subaru found himself in the darkness, coldness, and emptiness of his room.

The Mother

We love you, Son

The rain is a relentless, icy curtain, soaking the world in a dismal grey. A deep, gnawing cold has settled into my bones—it’s cold, it’s cold, it’s cold.

This isn't just a feeling; it's a certainty, a lead weight in my gut. Something bad is going to happen today. I... I need to go.

My family needs me. The thought is a bitter pill. I failed to protect my son. I failed to comfort my wife. I am a monument to my own failures. And yet, I still need to be there for them. For some reason, clawing at the edges of my mind... I feel like they need me now.

My footsteps are heavy and sluggish as I trudge towards the car. The cold seeps through my clothes. I fumble with the door handle, the metal shockingly frigid, and the moment I swing it open, a wave of vertigo hits me so hard my stomach plummets.

“Dammit,” I muttered, the curse a ragged breath as I covered my mouth. “Why do I feel so shitty...”

I slumped into the driver's seat. The vinyl is like ice against my back. I am a failure. I hope I am not too late, but the hope is hollow. I just feel like something is wrong.

What am I talking about? I am a failure. It is too late. I couldn't protect him. That scar on his face—a permanent brand of my own ignorance. I dismissed his fears, I thought they were fake, and I allowed him to be hurt because I wasn't there to shield him. I... I don't deserve to be called his father. But that failure doesn't extinguish the need. He is my son, my blood. Dammit, if I let anyone else hurt him again... I won't fail. I can't fail anymore. I need to be strong, for myself, for my wife... and for my son. How else can I protect what's left of my family if I am weak?

Then, as I drove, a sudden, violent lurch dropped my stomach straight through the floor of the car.

Ugh, what is this? A cold sweat broke out across my forehead. I feel sick, I feel sick, I feel sick.

I wrenched the steering wheel, swerving to the side of the road. I barely got the car in park before I stumbled out, my legs carrying me on a shaky sprint towards the nearest bush.

I threw up until my throat burned. I feel sick, I feel sick, I feel sick... My body convulsed, heaving long after there was nothing left. I kept going until I was spent, until I was hollow.

I failed...

I failed, just as I failed to keep my son safe from the world.

I can’t, I won’t... I need to make sure I won’t and can’t fail Subaru ever again...

It’s cold. I feel sick. I am so utterly pathetic.

I dragged myself back into the car. My body still shuddered with dry heaves, but there was nothing left. The cold had sunk deeper than my skin; it was in my veins, making me feel lifeless...

Lost—that is what I am—a shell of a man. But I still have to pretend to be strong for them.

I kept driving, my pace agonizingly slow. I feel sick; honestly, if I moved any faster, I would have thrown up my own guts. The world outside was a cold, blurry smear. I felt detached, like I had lost a fundamental part of myself, leaving only this hollow, nauseated shell.

Finally, home. I cut the engine and listened. Nothing. The house didn't just sound quiet; it sounded empty, a void where life used to be.

I barged in, my heart a frantic drum against my ribs. Please, let them be safe. Please, God, I cannot fail again. What am I doing? I don’t even believe in a God... How hopeless must I be to beg a deity I’ve never acknowledged?

The door swung inward with a crash. I looked around. The air inside was stale and cold. I still feel sick... Then I saw her. My wife, Naoko, curled into a tight ball on the floor, clutching a framed picture of our family as her shoulders shook with silent sobs.

“Honey?” I said, my voice thin and weak, already trying to deny the reality staring me in the face.

She didn't answer. She just wept harder, the sound tearing through the silence. I knelt and pulled her into my arms. She felt so small, so light, as if her grief had worn her down to almost nothing. God, please no, not my son. I felt my own strength dissolving. I hugged her tighter, but her fingers were white-knuckled around the picture frame, refusing to let go.

I am trash. I couldn't even protect my son. He ran away because I wasn't a good father. I am garbage.

Gently, I pried myself away from her and went to check his room. It was a mess, of course, because I was too pathetic to maintain order in his life... or in my own. He ran away because I couldn't protect him. God, I am a horrible person, a wretched father. I don’t deserve the title.

The room was cold and felt damp. It was so empty it ached. I picked up a spare tracksuit we’d bought for him, one that was uniquely his, and hugged it to my chest. The faint, fading scent of him was a physical pain. I wish I could have been a better father, or at least given him a better one. Please, whoever is out there, keep my son safe. I give him to you. Look at me, praying to a God I don't even know, but hey, He couldn't possibly be worse than me.

Crash.

The sound jolted me from my despair. I dropped the tracksuit and rushed towards the noise... It was Naoko. She was on her knees, holding a kitchen knife, staring at its glint with a hopeless, terrifying finality.

I stepped forward, my hand outstretched. “Naoko, no—”

“I DESERVE THIS!” she screamed, her voice raw. “DON’T MAKE ME LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I FAILED HIM! HCK—” She pressed the blade closer to her throat.

I didn't think. I lunged.

A searing, white-hot pain exploded in my hand. Blood, shockingly red, welled up and began to drip onto the floor. I was in pain, but the clarity was absolute.

Naoko’s eyes widened in horror. The knife clattered to the floor as she threw her arms around me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m failing as a mother and now as a wife. I’m so sorry, please, I love you!”

“It’s okay, honey...” I whispered, my voice strained. My hand throbbed, each pulse sending a fresh trickle of blood to stain the wooden planks.

She helped me up, clinging to me as if I were the only solid thing in a crumbling world, as if she would lose me the way we lost our son. I got us to the car and drove to the ER. The ride was shrouded in a heavy, exhausted silence, but for the first time all day, I didn't feel cold. The pain in my hand was a fierce, burning anchor.

The doctors questioned us. To protect my wife, I wove a lie. I lied about our depression, about the fact that the woman I loved had tried to end her life and had stabbed me instead.

“Well, doctor, to tell you the truth,” I said, forcing a sheepish tone, “I got distracted and dropped the knife while I was cutting vegetables. I tried to catch it as it fell, and... yeah. I got stabbed.” The lie felt greasy in my mouth. I’ve never been a liar before... and now I have to be, to protect what’s left of us.

They looked at me, their eyes silently judging my supposed clumsiness. But they bought it. They stitched my hand and let me leave, their dismissive glances a small price to pay.

The car was silent again on the way home; we were both mentally shipwrecked. Our son’s disappearance was a chasm between us, too vast and terrible to speak across. I can’t ask her what she saw, what pushed her to that edge. It would break her completely, and I can’t let that happen. I am the man. I am supposed to protect... and yet, my every action ends in failure.

Once home, I pulled my wife into a wordless embrace. No sound could convey this shared devastation. We dragged ourselves to bed. I fell into a black, dreamless sleep almost instantly, a desperate escape from my reality.

Then, everything shifted. It was fuzzy, then bright. I was somewhere else. Lizardmen, people with animal features, humans with hair in impossible colors. It was strange, disorienting. I wandered, trying to make sense of the alien script on the signs I couldn't read.

Then I saw him. Subaru.

“Is that you, Subaru?”

The boy turned. It was him—it was my Subaru. But before I could call out, before I could take a single step, the vision shattered.

“UGH!” I screamed, bolting upright. My face was slick with cold sweat.

I turned to my left, hoping I hadn’t woken Naoko... but she was also sitting up, her skin clammy, her eyes wide with a terror that mirrored my own. Before I could ask what was wrong, she spoke, her voice a tremulous whisper.

“I saw Subaru... It was too real to be a dream. I saw HIM!”

She broke down again, sobs wracking her fragile frame. And all I could do was watch, a silent sentinel of my own incompetence. I had failed, once again, as a man.

I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry that I’m this pathetic… that you have to watch me die. It was never your fault. None of it. Please, just forget about me. Have another child—one who deserves the name Natsuki. One who deserves to be your son.

I braced myself, accepting the cold embrace of the end.

But it never came.

I opened my eyes.

It was bright. Not the muted gloom of night, but a pervasive, overwhelming brilliance that felt utterly alien. This wasn't my world.

Wow. I’m truly pathetic. I couldn't even die properly. Instead, I got isekai'd. Of course. My damn luck is as worthless as I am. I don't deserve a second chance. I don't deserve any of this.

“We truly are…” the voice whispered in the back of my mind, trailing off into silence.

The New World I don’t Deserve

I wandered, a ghost in this vibrant new world. The sun was warm on my skin, a sensation that felt like a mockery.

“It’s so bright,” I muttered to myself. “Something I don’t deserve to be in. I’ll only taint this world with my presence.”

“Yes,” the voice in my head agreed, slithering back into my thoughts. “We truly are pathetic, occupying space we haven't earned. Just like how you lost them in here.”

“Huh? What did you say?” I asked aloud, turning as if to face someone. The voice didn’t answer. It had broken a taboo, mentioning something my mind refused to hold. A searing pain erupted in my skull, a white-hot spike driving behind my eyes as I tried to grasp the fading words.

“UGH! IT HURTS!” I screamed, doubling over in the middle of the street.

The world snapped into focus. People stared, their gazes carving me out as something foreign, something wrong. They looked away quickly, pulling their children close, shielding them from the freak writhing on the cobblestones. The pain pulsed, a relentless drumbeat in my head. I stumbled away from the crowd, collapsing into a grimy alley corner until the agony receded into a dull throb.

When I could stand again, I took in my surroundings. The voice was quiet, for now.

My eyes fell upon a nearby door, and I struggled to read the sign above it. The script was familiar yet distant, like a language I’d learned as a child and forgotten.

“Fe- Female, Da- Demi? Female Demi-Human bathroom?” I sounded out the words, my tongue feeling thick and clumsy.

A sudden, horrifying thought struck me. “Wait, I’m in a fantasy world. How can I even understand its written language? This makes no sense.”

My soliloquy drew more stares, their looks now laced with pity and alarm. Just then, the bathroom door swung open and a canine-like demi-human emerged. She yelped in surprise, her fur bristling, and before I could react, her paw connected sharply with my cheek.

“CREEP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING LURKING OUTSIDE THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM?” she barked.

My face burned with a shame deeper than any physical sting. I scurried away, the whispers chasing me down the street.

I kept walking, my eyes downcast, until I saw a child stumble into the path of a speeding carriage. A fleeting, foolish hope sparked in my chest. Maybe… maybe I have magic? Maybe I’m here for a reason?

I struck a ridiculous pose, channeling every anime hero I’d ever seen, and thrust a hand toward the kid. Nothing. Not even a flicker. A knight in gleaming armor blurred past, sweeping the child to safety with effortless grace.

I looked down at my own useless hands. Of course. Of course, I’m not a protagonist. I’m just me.

“Of course, you are a failure,” the voice cooed, returning just to revel in my humiliation. “You are nothing. No magic. Nothing.”

I tried to ignore it, but the words sank in, their truth a familiar poison.

I continued my aimless journey, realizing I could understand the writing on shops, but it was a struggle, each word a puzzle. “Appas store... I wonder if they accept yen? Probably not, but it’s worth a try.”

I approached the vendor, a rough-looking man with a scar cutting across his face and a green beard. “Appas! Get your appas, the best in the capital!” he bellowed.

“Hey, kid,” he grunted, eyeing my tracksuit with disdain. “Strange clothes you got. If you got money, see what you like. If you ain’t, then scram.”

I looked at the sign again. “Appa stall?” So, ‘appas’ were just apples.

“Hey, do you accept this?” I asked, holding out a 500-yen coin.

He squinted at it. “Huh? I don’t know where you’re from, but that coin ain’t going to get you jack squash in Lugunica. You’re broke. So scram, kid!”

I should have expected that. But it sparked another thought. Wait, in these stories, there’s usually someone who summoned me, right? A king, a goddess… someone who needs a hero. There has to be a purpose—

“You are pathetic,” the voice interrupted, dripping with scorn. “You think someone as useless and weak-minded as us has a purpose? We do not deserve this. We are just lucky, or you just suck at dying. Either way, you have no purpose here.”

...I hated how right it always sounded. I was pathetic. I had no meaning. I had failed at the one thing I’d set out to do. I didn’t deserve this second chance, not after what I’d tried to do in front of my mother.

…God, whoever you are, please protect them. Don't let my failure hurt them. I’m sorry for trying to end it… and thank you. Thank you for not making my mother watch me die. I’m so pathetic, begging a god I don't even believe in.

I walked on, a hollow shell drifting through the city. I saw a little girl, lost and crying, looking for her parents. The sight was a punch to the gut, a mirror of a loneliness I knew too well. I wanted to help, my feet shifting to move toward her, but a heavier weight pulled me back. I’m too pathetic to help anyone. I’d probably just make it worse. The thought hurt, but I accepted the pain as my due and walked away into the growing cold.

The sun began to dip below the horizon, and the air grew sharp and chilly. I walked aimlessly, my body growing numb. Maybe I could still find meaning, even if I don’t deserve it…

“Subaru?” Two voices called out from behind me, their tones heartbreakingly familiar.

I spun around, and for a fraction of a second, I saw them—my parents. Their faces, etched with concern, flickered in the crowd before vanishing like a mirage.

“UGH—” A wave of nausea and psychic pain washed over me.

“Dear God,” the voice laughed, a cruel, internal sound. “Now you’re imagining the parents you abandoned. You tried to end it in front of your mother, and now your mind torments you with their ghosts. You are truly, utterly pathetic. TRULY PATHETIC”

I felt sick. So sick. I stumbled toward a stone bridge, gripping the railing as my stomach convulsed. I vomited into the stream below, heaving until nothing was left but bile and shame. My legs trembled, my strength abandoning me.

God, please, just kill me. Please, just end it. I don’t want to live anymore.

The stream below looked so peaceful. The current was fast, but its movement was serene, unstressed. I wanted to be part of that. I wanted the water to wash me away.

I fell.

The water was icy, a shock that was both brutal and refreshing. It rushed over me, pulling me down into its silent, dark embrace. It was calm. For the first time since I arrived, my thoughts went quiet. I didn't fight it. I let the water fill my lungs, the burning sensation a penance I welcomed. Distantly, I heard voices, yells, screams.

“…Idiot, they are waiting for you. We are truly pathetic…”

Who? Who is waiting? The screams weren't random; they were aimed at me.

“SUBARU!” A voice—that same, familiar voice—cut through the water, filled with a desperate urgency.

Who are you? Please, just let me go…

Something strong grabbed me, trying to pull me back toward the light, toward the pain of living.

“SUBARU! DON’T DIE ON ME!”

... Stop Rein.

... Who is Rein?

Darkness swallowed me, and the voice faded. A new comfort enveloped me, one I longed for more than anything. I was in a void. Was this it? What was my name? Who was I…? Pathetic. That’s my only name.

Then I saw her. A woman with hair like molten silver and eyes like amethysts, crowned in darkness. She was crying. Her tears were daggers in my soul, a pain more acute than any physical wound.

I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry.

I had no body—no eyes to see, yet I saw her. No arms to hold her, yet I ached to wipe her tears. No voice to comfort her, yet I screamed my apology into the nothingness. I was nothing. But she… she seemed to hear my silent soul.

I wanted to be with her. My entire being yearned for her. But something was pulling me away. My mind was a blank slate, but my heart remembered a melody it couldn't name, longed for a person it couldn't recall.

I heard voices calling from a distant light, but I was comfortable here in the dark with her. Yet, the silver-haired woman looked at me, her expression one of profound sorrow, as if she were failing me.

“I love you…” Her voice was a whisper that carried the weight of the world, a sound that shattered my very essence.

I understood. She was letting me go. She wanted the voices to take me.

I will come back to you… I thought, the promise forming from a will I didn't know I possessed. Be patient with me. I don’t remember, but I hope I will. For you.

The woman nodded, a beautiful, heartbreaking smile gracing her lips—a smile my soul could never forget, even if my mind already had.

HUH

I was standing in front of the green-haired, scarred man. Again.

Wasn’t I just in the stream? I thought I drowned. Why am I here? A wave of disorientation and sickness washed over me. I felt sick, so sick.

“Hey kid, you good? You look like you just saw a ghost,” the man said, but his voice sounded like it was coming from the end of a long tunnel.

Right. I remember. I heard my parents' voices, and then… I drowned. I heard a voice… A fresh spike of pain lanced through my skull. It hurts. Everything hurts.

“Kid, are you okay?” I felt my knees buckle, the world tilting on its axis. The pain was too much. “Hey, kid, don’t pass out right in front of my stall!”

A splash of icy water shocked me back to awareness.

“Huh!” I gasped, sputtering.

“Here, kid,” the man said, thrusting a few fruits into my hands. “Just have these appas. You look like you need ‘em more than I do.”

I stared at the red fruit. Why does ‘appas’ feel so natural?

“Are you sure, sir?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t deserve charity. I didn’t deserve anything.

“Yeah, take it. You look hopeless.”

I got up, muttered a thanks, and wandered away. Pathetic. To imagine my own death so vividly…

“Who said it was…” the voice began, before being cut off.

Huh? What the hell are you saying? That it wasn’t a dream? Yeah, sure. I’m still alive. It was just a daydream. A very, very real daydream. A deep, penetrating cold settled in my bones, one that had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with me.

I walked and walked, my feet carrying me without conscious direction, until I found myself in a sketchy, narrow alleyway. I walked in without a second thought. I had stopped caring about consequences long ago.

“Hey, kid, cough up what you got,” a slimy voice demanded. I looked up to see three figures: a gaunt man with snake-like eyes and a flickering tongue, a hulking brute with a dark complexion, and a small, rodent-like lackey.

“Huh? Why should I?” I didn’t care. They were just background noise. Annoying, pathetic background noise. They reminded me of someone I despised.

I tried to walk past them, but Snake-Eyes blocked my path, a sharp knife glinting in his hand. It looked painfully sharp.

Would it be painful? I hope so. I deserve for it to be.

Driven by a sudden, reckless impulse, I walked directly into the blade. It slid into my stomach with a sickening, cold precision. A searing heat followed, spreading from the wound. I looked down at my own blood, a vibrant crimson staining my tracksuit. So this is what it looks like.

“Ugh! Did you just stab him?! We were just supposed to intimidate him, not kill him!” the rodent-man squealed in panic.

My legs gave out, and I crumpled to the filthy ground.

“Damn it, we’ve got to go before the guards come! I’m not getting arrested for murder!” Their footsteps retreated, leaving me alone. Because I was pathetic. I didn't want to die by their hands, but my own will to live was gone.

Damn it. I don’t deserve to be called Natsuki.

It was agonizing. My body was a battlefield of hot and cold. I was so tired. I deserved this.

As my breathing grew shallow, I heard a single set of hurried footsteps.

“Huh? He’s bleeding! I have to help him!” It was a soft, elegant voice. A familiar one, but my mind was too foggy to place it.

I forced my eyes open. Silver hair. Amethyst eyes. She was even more beautiful up close, her face etched with worry. "Don't dream too big, Subaru…"

“Lia, we have to get your insignia back. The thief is getting away!” a floating cat… a cat?... protested. He was right. She should go. I deserved this.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.

“I can’t let him die, Puck! According to our—” the girl, Lia, insisted.

“Lia…” the cat—Puck—said, his voice heavy with sorrow. “He is already gone. Our contract… you know I cannot lie to you. He is dead.”

He’s right. I can feel it. The world was fading, the void calling me back. But for some reason, a part of me desperately wanted to stay with this girl.

Oh. I’m dead.

HUH

“Hey, kid, you good? You seem like you just saw a ghost.” The same scarred man was looking at me, his brow furrowed.

“Huh? Sorry, I can’t hear you,” I mumbled, my ears ringing.

“I asked if you are okay, kid,” he replied, his annoyance growing.

“Sorry, can you say that again? Still can’t understand you.” I was trying to focus, to push through the disorientation.

“Just get out of my stall, you’re scaring my customers away!” he finally barked.

This time, I heard him clearly. I stumbled away, and my stomach lurched. I barely made it to the side of the street before I was violently sick. It wasn’t a dream. The memory of the knife was visceral, a phantom pain screaming from my gut. I frantically pulled up my shirt. Nothing. Not even a scratch.

Then I remembered her. The silver-haired girl. She had tried to save someone as worthless as me, a complete stranger.

“The cat spirit said they were chasing someone… a thief. Why would she waste her time on me?” A new thought, fragile but persistent, formed. “Maybe… maybe I should repay her. I can help her get her thing back. Then… then I can end things properly.”

I pushed myself to my feet, my body feeling weak and foreign, and began to search. I had no plan, no skills, but a debt I felt deep in my bones. And… she was really cute.

I wandered until I found myself back at the same alleyway where the three thugs had tried to rob me. It must have taken me longer this time, because the light was fading. I’d missed my chance.

As I stood there, dejected, I heard a familiar, slimy voice.

“Drop what you got, kid, unless you want to be hurt.” Snake-Eyes. Again.

A profound annoyance washed over me. Not fear. These incompetents couldn't even kill me right. All I wanted was to find that girl, repay my debt, and be done with it all. And… I didn’t want to sully my family's name any further.

“I’m not giving anything to scum like you,” I stated, my voice flat and tired.

“Subaru?”

A voice from behind me. That voice. The one from the river. My blood ran cold. My body froze, seized by a pain and a fear so deep I couldn't turn around. It was the voice that had screamed my name as I drowned. I’m sorry, Rein. I still don’t know who you are.

“Holy Od, it’s the Sword Saint!” the rodent-man shrieked.

“Shit! The guy we’re trying to rob is the Sword Saint’s friend? Run!” the well-fed one yelled.

In an instant, the alley was empty save for me and the presence behind me. Trembling, I forced myself to turn.

A knight. With hair as bright as fire. His eyes, a piercing blue, were wide with a shock that mirrored my own.

“Is that you? Subaru Natsuki?” he breathed.

Fear clamped around my heart. How does he know my name? Did I just arrive? Who is he? Friend or foe? If he were an enemy, I would be dead. The thugs had fled in terror, which meant this man was a boss-level threat.

“Ho—” I began, but before I could finish, he moved. It wasn't an attack. It was a blur of motion that ended with his arms wrapped around me in a crushing, desperate hug.

“I can’t believe you’re alive,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “Subaru. I thought you had disappeared forever…”

I was utterly confused. Who was this man? Why did his presence feel like a forgotten memory?

“Who are you?” I asked.

The question hung in the air. I saw it then—the hurt, the pain, the utter confusion that shattered the knight’s composed features.

“What are you talking about, Subaru?” he said, his voice breaking. “It’s me. Reinhard. Your… my best friend…”

Rein? My head exploded with a fresh, unbearable agony. The world went black, and I passed out once more, collapsing into his arms.

A Monster's Best Friend

It feels like an eternity since he arrived... Subaru, my best friend. The memory of his face is beginning to fade, a blurry portrait worn down by time. But I remember the first day he came with perfect clarity. His simple, unwavering kindness showed me I could be more than the monster I believed myself to be. If... if I were to ever find his lifeless body, by Od, I don't know how I could endure it. I know he is out there, somewhere, just beyond the reach of my Divine Protection to pinpoint his location.

I am endlessly grateful for this blessing: the Divine Protection of Finding Best friend. Without it, I would be truly alone, adrift in a sea of doubt about whether he still lived. This knowledge is my anchor, a fragile thread of security, even if I cannot spend my days at his side.

Enough of this melancholy. Subaru told me to find joy in the world. Since today is my day off, I will honor his wish and see if I can be of service.

I walked through the capital, my footsteps tracing the ghost of our past. I wandered through the old markets and quiet plazas where we used to play hide and seek, though my myriad Divine Protections always made the game terribly unfair for him.

“Ha, fun times,” I murmured to the empty air, a bittersweet smile touching my lips. “Though I wish I could have more of them.”

I continued my stroll, each location a painted memory: the gnarled oak he’d shimmy up, the narrow alley between the bakeries where he’d press himself into the shadows. They were good memories, warm against the chill of his absence.

Huh?

One of my Divine Protections is stirring—no, screaming at me. Which one is it—

“Subaru?!”

My body moved before my mind could fully process it. I erupted into a sprint, a blur of motion tearing through the streets as the divine pull in my chest became a compass needle, dragging me toward the city's heart. My heart hammered against my ribs, a frantic drumbeat of hope. To think I will see him again. I have so much to tell him—

I SEE HIM!

“SU— wait, NO SUBARU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” My blood ran cold. Is he trying to drown himself? Damnit, I am still too far away! He can’t hear me!

I pushed my body faster, the cobblestones cracking under the force of my steps, creating shockwaves in my wake.

“SUBARU!”

He was already submerged, but... oh Od, he wasn't fighting. He wasn't trying to swim. He was simply... sinking.

Please, Od, let him live. He is innocent, the best of us. Don’t let him die!

...

Damnit. I am too late.

I plunged into the icy water, the current doing nothing to slow me as I closed the distance. I gathered his limp, lifeless form into my arms and surged back to the surface. I laid him on the bank, my fingers pressing against his neck. No pulse. Nothing. If only Felix were here...

A desperate, hopeless plan formed. I would rush him to the training grounds, to the best healers I knew—

HUH

—One hour before.

—I walked around, reminiscing about the time I had spent with the boy in the past. Walking through the areas where we would play hide and seek, though my divine protections made it very unfair for him...

A sudden, sharp pain lanced through my chest. My heart... it feels heavy, a foreboding weight I cannot explain.

Wait, why is one of my divine protections flaring to life now—

“SUBARU, HE IS HERE!” I took off, a surge of desperate urgency flooding my veins. For some reason, my very soul screamed at me to move faster, that every second was a precious, fleeting commodity.

I ran faster, and then I saw them—three slum dwellers, their faces etched with panic, fleeing from the very direction my protection was pulling me. A primal, violent instinct roared within me, a sudden, vivid image of strangling the snake-eyed one until his bones splintered. But I forced it down. My mind, my duty, intervened. Subaru would want me to help these people first.

“Hello, are you okay?” I asked, my voice steady despite the storm inside. They flinched, raw terror in their eyes, and a knot of dread tightened in my stomach.

“Oh shit, it’s the Sword Saint! Run!” the rodent-like one squealed. The knot pulled tighter, a sickening certainty beginning to dawn.

“I mean no harm, I am only asking what is stressing you—” But my words were wasted on their retreating backs as they scrambled away.

Their fear was a cold blade, reminding me that no matter my intentions, I am still the monster they see. But I can’t let this despair consume me. I am about to be reunited with my best friend. I should be happy, ecstatic!

I kept running towards the pull of Subaru’s presence, but the knot in my stomach remained, a leaden counterweight to my hope.

I saw a girl with silver hair kneeling next to a form on the ground. It was Emilia, one of the royal candidates. Why is Subaru lying so still? Why is there a dark, crimson stain spreading across his shirt?

The world slowed to a nightmarish crawl. The truth, horrible and absolute, crashed down upon me. Subaru was already dead. Dead before I could even speak his name.

Rage, pure and incandescent, filled the void left by my shattered hope. He had been killed. Murdered.

“Miss Emilia,” My voice was low, a dangerous tremor running through it as I let my fury show on my face. “Kindly tell me, did you cause this?” No crime would go unpunished, but especially, especially any crime against him!

“Oh, Reinhard—”

“What business do you have with my daughter?” A chill voice cut through the air as a small, feline spirit materialized on Emilia's shoulder. I could feel the hostility rolling off it in waves. Was it the one responsible? I can tell it's strong... but nothing for me to kill.

“It does not concern you,” I snarled, my gaze locked on Emilia. “Tell me, Emilia-sama, did you or did you not kill him!” I was no longer holding my rage within me. I just wanted to find the bastards who killed my friend and make them pay.

“When we came here, the boy was already dead. I tried to save him... but my father told me his heart had already stopped...” My Divine Protection of Wind Indication stilled, confirming she was not lying. And then I remembered the glint of a knife in the hand of one of the fleeing thugs. That’s why they were scared. Not of me, but of the murder they had just committed. They killed Subaru!

I turned and fled the scene, a tempest of vengeance. I ran towards where I had last seen the thugs, those worthless pieces of trash! They were already gone. I tore through the slums, my vision tinged with red. People scattered before me. I shoved aside carts and splintered shanty walls in my frantic search, my control fraying into pure destruction. Then I found them, cowering in a dead-end alley. But then I saw the knights behind me... led by Julius.

“Reinhard, I must order you to stop! You are causing too much harm. What could possibly justify this?” The purple-haired knight, the very picture of chivalry, tried to reason with me. I did not care. I simply ignored him and walked toward the one who held the knife.

“A bastard like you does not deserve an easy death,” I whispered, my voice deathly calm. “An eye for an eye, an ear for an ear. A slow death for a stolen life...”

“What?” the snake-eyed man stammered, his face pale with fear. “The Sword Saint doesn’t kill people!”

“True,” I conceded, my hand shooting out to grasp his throat. “But the fact that you consider yourself a person is insulting. I am a monster who hunts and kills other monsters.” I squeezed, feeling the fragile architecture of his windpipe creak under my grip. For the first time in my life, I felt true, unrestrained rage, and this wretch was the one who taught it to me.

“Reinhard, don’t!”

I couldn’t hear Julius's voice. My world had narrowed to the cracking, breaking sensation under my hands. I released his neck just enough for a ragged gasp, then looked at my blood-smeared hands and began to beat him. My fists fell with piston-like force, each impact a thunderclap. Blood splattered across my face and armor, his cheeks fracturing under the relentless assault—

HUH

One hour before.

—I walked around, reminiscing about the time I had spent with the boy in the past. Walking around the areas where we would play hide and seek, though my divine protections made it very unfair for him... What is this pain? My heart... It feels heavy, a deep, psychic ache of a wound not yet received.

Wait, why is one of my divine protections going—

“SUBARU, HE IS HERE!” I ran towards his direction, but for some reason, my heart told me to go there faster... no, I needed to go faster. A horrifying need flashed in my mind, my hands around a stranger's neck. I quickly got it out of my mind and ran faster towards his direction

And then I saw him. Subaru, alive, surrounded by three slum dwellers. My eyes instantly locked onto the one with snake-like eyes, and a wave of pure, unadulterated hatred, fresh and familiar all at once, washed over me. All I wanted was to strangle that stranger alive until his neck snapped in my hands, no need for my sword... For some reason, I wanted it to be slow for that bastard... But it wasn’t times for such thoughts, I looked at my friend, it was truly him...

“Natsuki Subaru?”

Author's Notes

I hope you guys like this chapter and yes I am writing this rather than the main

story because I want to give you all atleast something before like a 5 day break

from another chapter I hope I can get another one in before that.

Anyways leave a comment if you have any suggestions or if I should retcon this

because Reinhard doesn't kill and it's off from his character

just ask me and I will improve and change it.