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He was sitting in his office watching that plant, that stupid Lion's Claw that was blooming again, those red petals mocking him, making fun of his pain... Just like Ashengrotto did.
Azul
That invasive thought that never left his brain. That name that infected his brain every day. He couldn't help but remember
What was that deep talk they had after his overblot like?
It was after one of the extra flight classes he was giving him. Just them bickering as usual, nothing really hurtful, just making fun of their weaknesses. How Azul wasn't able to rise 30 centimeters off the ground. It was always easy to talk to him, not pretending, not hiding... It was always easy to be himself with him. He could even forget the type of life he was forced to live.
Someone passed outside his window, bringing Jamil back to reality, to his flowers, to the pain. He closed his eyes, focusing on that memory, hoping to remember correctly every bit of that memory.
It was an evening after classes, it was almost the golden hour, they had lost the track of time again, the sun was setting and everything was turning glowing with golden light.
Azul's glasses were reflecting the light, making him lose control of the broom easier.
—Come on Azul, it's easy, just try a bit harder—
He said, trying to encourage him, but it was easier said than done. He was about to complain again when his broom rose above his head before going back down.
The golden light finally hit its peak when a victorious laugh crossed the field. Azul had finally managed to do what he was trying after months of training.
—I did it! Jamil I finally did it!—
Azul's voice was echoing through the place. He jumped out of the broom and ran into him, bumping him before making both of them fall. Azul was laughing and he couldn't help but join him, it was a relief, it was some improvement, but they were still not done.
—You are really a good tutor Jamil.
Azul said mindlessly, it was a compliment that felt like a death sentence. He wanted to be more than a tutor, than a retainer, he wanted more.
—You could say I've got some experience—
He answered bitterly, dismissing what Azul just said. That's not the life that he wanted back then, hoping everything could change. Azul got closer to him, he just faced him, there was no point in running, he would still had to face him anyways, today or tomorrow, or the day after that, he couldn't escape forever.
—You know? You wouldn't have to be a tutor if you were in Octavinelle...—
There it was again, the line that Azul had been luring him into since they started talking regularly.
—Azul...—
He warned, he was tired of listening to the same propaganda over and over again about Octavinelle. He wasn't leaving Scarabia to Kalim.
—No, Jamil, listen to me—
Azul interrupted him, their eyes met, Azul one's filled with something he didn't know at the time care, love, everything he kept pursuing was infront of him, but he never noticed.
—After tomorrow I will stop bothering you with this... But today... I'm asking you one last time Jamil. Transfer to Octavinelle, you can be free here, you can have a fresh start. We could go tonight.—
There it was, his last hope to leave, but he still couldn't take it. There was a lot in risk and a bet he couldn't make, not with the lives of his family on the line. He looked at him. Azul's eyes were always looking out for his, like he wasn't afraid of Jamil taking control of his mind.
—Azul... I can't...—
He wanted to go with him, heck, he'd kill to be in that situation again. But he knew his limits, he couldn't leave his family, his sister, he would lose everything.
—I'd love to, but...—
He tried explaining himself, he wanted so bad to be hear by someone... But Azul interrupted him yet again, it was a bad habit that he had.
—I know, it was just a suggestion, and I'll keep my word—
Azul said in that distinguished tone he used while making deals, but now he could see it in his eyes, the pain, how they seem watery.
The sun was starting to really set, breaking illusion of a moment that they had. The wind starting to take away the warmth that the sun had brought to them.
He didn't know how pure love looked like back then, he was too naive, too focused on escaping that he never noticed that he was in love with Azul.
But still he somehow knew it. All the time he spent looking for him, for his approval, to be noticed by him. It all made sense, but life was never on their side, was it?
After that day the classes were slowly having delays, he couldn't make it on time. They stopped seeing each other, he always wondered why. But now it all made sense.
"Why did I said no?"
Another echoing thought.
But now he had Kalim right?
He had always felt something for Kalim, he wasn't sure now if it was love, but it was something more than a friendship, beyond hate, beyond caring, there was something there. But it wasn't love. Or at least not the same type that he had for Azul.
He opened his eyes, looking back again at those red flowers, that stupid pot that felt like a black hole that was vacuuming all the air in the room, that Lion's Claw that held all the unspoken words from both sides.
A couple of knocks on the door took his attention from that plant, replacing them with a familiar voice, those red eyes that he had grown used to looking him filled with love and worry.
—Jami? They are waiting for us. We have to leave—
He had that familiar smile filled with love, and that usual warmth that could fill up a building, but still, he didn't have that same feeling that he had for Azul, it wasn't much different to the usual magnetism that they always had.
He sighed, Azul was gone. And there was nothing he could do about it.
He forced a smile and stood up.
—I'm coming—
Kalim didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but left anyways, he could see it in his eyes, he was basically begging him to go out with him, to take his hand, still he didn't do it. He was once again alone in that room with that plant that he left behind, trying to make sense of everything, trying not to get lost in that loop of memories once again.
He couldn't stand it. Before Azul's death everything as fine, they both were happy, they helped each other with everything. It was not perfect but it was something. Azul's departure had revealed that they were not fine, he was always angry, Kalim was always clinging to him, just as if he was waiting for him to leave, to shout, to manipulate him again. And sometimes he found himself wishing to do it as well.
That thought terrified him. Going back to where he was before his overblot. All the time Azul helped him to overcome those negative feelings about Kalim.
He was going to stay no matter what. That's the least he owed Azul. Being true to his word.
He walked to the door without looking back, Azul was gone and he had a husband now, they had both made their choices, and he had to carry all of that pain alone. He couldn't lose the only thing he had left just because his feelings were finally breaking off from that prison he had them on.