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Osamu Dazai has committed 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud. He's been targeted by many people. He was the youngest and most dangerous Port mafia executive in history. Yet the cause of his death was no other than himself.
What sucks is that you never understand truly how fucked up something is until it's playing out right in front of your eyes. Because when Dazai died, not a soul was surprised and even less cared. Because everyone knew that this was essentially how Dazai would die. The news was passed off by most people as if it was any other day. And now wasn't that fucked up if anything? That because it was 'normal' it should be passed on like nothing. Only if someone had thought about that before it was too late.
It really didn't matter though. It was always too late. Healing was never something Dazai was capable of doing, because he never got hurt. He was hurt from the start. From the second he was born, all he'd known was hurt. Because Osamu Dazai was simply born to die.
It had never been a matter of if, but when. But since he failed so many times, ‘when’ had felt so far away. Which might have been foolish to think. It was foolish of Chuuya to sit at his grave like he hadn't known. Like he could've changed this.
Dazai would have been capable of almost anything, except healing. Because there just wasn't anything to heal. He was rotten to the core and as the years went by it only got worse. No matter what environment he was in, he would never be normal. He would never be near that. He would never have felt at peace for as long as he lived, no matter what happened.
When he died, he didn't leave any signs. He didn't clean his container. It felt weird to think about how it still stood there, dirty and disgusting. He didn't give away his stuff. Because this was just another attempt. It didn't matter. After a while people got used to it, to the point some people might have been shocked that he succeeded, but no one was shocked at the act in itself.
He didn't act happier. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't even write letters. Because he had nothing to say. He didn't need to explain to anyone. There was nothing to say, because everyone already knew.
Chuuya was the one who made sure he got a grave. Because he didn't have anyone else to. And wasn't that just laughable? He didn't even get a proper funeral. And the few people who had visited had mostly been people there for Chuuya and not for the boy buried under the ground.
Chuuya felt stupid missing him. Because he knew that ultimately, Dazai wouldn't go back. He didn't need to wonder because he knew Dazai didn't and wouldn't ever regret shit. He knew that at the last second he was conscious, if he'd felt anything at all then maybe it had been something like bliss. He felt stupid because he knew that in the end Dazai had chosen death over him and even more stupid because in a way he understood why.
He felt stupid because he knew this was bound to happen from the day they met, to the times he'd cleaned him up from failed attempts and then to the day he didn't fail.
He knew. And he didn't stop him. Because he couldn't stop him. No one could. And that's what's fucked up. That Dazai didn't have a choice, a problem or a reason he just had fate. And he was entitled to death since before he was even alive.