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Ariadne thought she had stopped shaking by the time the nurse led her back toward the room in the ICU where Xavier had been taken after enduring emergency surgery, but her legs still felt like jelly after seeing him lying there.
He was propped up on the bed, machines breathing for him, bandages covering his chest. He looked too pale, too weak, at the moment, it just didn’t look right. The nurse was kind enough to give her a chair and Ariadne sank into it gratefully, reaching out to clutch Xavier’s hand.
The gesture mirrored her pose earlier when she had begged him to stay with her, pressing her hand over the bleeding wound in his chest as they waited for an emergency evac.
“You can stay with him until visiting hours are over,” the nurse said.
Ari felt her stomach clench. “I can’t stay all night?”
“I’m afraid not, it’s hospital policy…”
She nodded, clutching Xavier’s hand tighter, trying not to think about what would happen if he woke up and found that she wasn’t there. She hated to think of him waking up alone…
They weren’t even supposed to be hunting that day. They’d been running errands when there had been a Wanderer attack in the middle of town and they had stepped in to protect the civilians until their on-duty colleagues arrived. Xavier had jumped in to save a little girl when the Wanderer struck him, leaving him choking on his own blood, panic in his eyes as he reached for Ari.
The doctor told her they’d had to cut through his ribcage to repair the damage. It would be a long and painful recovery for Xavier. But Ariadne was going to be there for him no matter what.
As the nurse left her, she brought Xavier’s hand to her lips and kissed his knuckles. “We’ll work through this together,” she promised him, even as her hands still shook from just how close it had been this time.
~~~~~~~
Three weeks later, Xavier was well on his way to recovery, if not a little annoyed at being cooped up at home on leave until he was fit to get back to work. Ariadne tried to keep him distracted, bringing him new video games to play when she had to work, books to read, and finding new movies and shows for them to watch together.
It was undeniable that Xavier seemed depressed, though. He mostly lounged around on the couch all day, looking exhausted even though he slept like a rock most nights. She had never seen him like this after an injury, but then he hadn’t suffered anything quite so severe either. It had to take a lot out of him. Especially considering the amount of work he would have to do to make a full recovery.
She tried to entice him with hot pot, made sure to take him out for walks in the park so he could get some fresh air, and while he was receptive and went along with all of her ideas there still seemed to be something wrong.
She noticed it in little things. Xavier had been adamant from the beginning that she didn’t need to help him change his bandages. She had let that one slide because the wound had healed for the most part by the time he was released from the hospital and he could reach it easily without straining himself. She knew how stubborn he was and letting him do it as long as he reported to her that it was done every day, was something she could compromise on.
But Xavier being stubborn wasn’t new. What was, was how distant he had been with her. He never seemed to initiate contact, and even then, would only really let her hold his hand. If she tried to cuddle him on the couch or in bed, he might not push her away, but he would just kind of go stiff. That was particularly weird to her considering Xavier was usually always touching her. He loved cuddling, he was always grabbing her hand, or putting an arm around her waist even when it wasn’t necessarily appropriate. And usually when Xavier was sick or injured he got even more clingy, milking her sympathy for all it was worth—and Ari always found it impossible to resist him.
So, what was different this time? She wondered. It wasn’t even a case of Xavier getting injured after not telling her he was going off to do something dangerous. She’d been there when he was hurt and the memory still made her heart skip a beat.
Maybe he felt bad for scaring her? Still, Xavier’s brand of making up was usually a lot more…physical. She just felt like she was missing something and she hated not knowing how to help him.
That night she was sitting in bed on her phone, waiting for Xavier to finish with his shower.
When he came out, fully dressed in his sweatpants and the oversized hoodie he had been wearing for most of his recovery, she realized what she had been missing. Xavier hadn’t changed in front of her since his injury. Normally he wasn’t shy about coming out of the shower in just his towel, always saying he hated how his pajamas got damp in the steam. And he also didn’t usually sleep in his hoodie like he had been, unless it was winter and particularly cold.
Suspicion began to grow in the back of Ariadne’s brain. What was he hiding from her? Had he opened the scar again? Xavier was notoriously bad about lying when it came to his injuries, so she wouldn’t be surprised if he was trying to hide something from her. But she couldn’t just ask him—he’d never admit it straight. She would have to resort to alternative methods.
She kept looking at her phone as Xavier crawled under the covers, his back to her.
“Goodnight,” he mumbled.
“Night,” she replied, quickly checking her email before turning her phone off and reaching for the light.
She lay down, still wide awake, waiting for a few minutes before she rolled over and wrapped her arms around Xavier’s waist.
He stiffened instantly as she snuggled up against his back.
“Cold,” she murmured.
He huffed, but didn’t pull away and actually seemed to relax a little as he started to drift off, breathing evening out.
Ari shifted, pressing her luck as she slid her hands up under his sweatshirt, pushing them against his warm skin.
Xavier flinched and grunted, grabbing her wrists. “Don’t.”
She let him pull her hands away. “Sorry, did I hurt you?”
“No,” he replied tersely. “I just don’t want you touching…there.”
Ariadne frowned. “Are the scars sensitive?”
He shook his head. “They’re fine. Please stop asking about them.”
Ariadne pushed herself up and turned the light on again. “Xavier, are you hiding something from me?”
“I’m not.”
She took his shoulder and turned him onto his back so he was looking up at her, not wanting to meet her eyes. Ari reached out and cupped his cheek, rubbing her thumb soothingly across his cheekbone.
“Xavier, talk to me,” she pleaded. “I know recovery is hard, but I’ve never seen you like this before. If something’s wrong, I just want to know so I can help you.”
He still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I just don’t like them.”
She frowned. “Don’t like what?”
He finally exhaled. “The scars. They’re ugly, and if you saw them, you’d never look at me the same way.”
Ari was stunned. She sat there staring down at her boyfriend incredulously as he looked at the wall.
“That’s what you think?” she asked.
“You would be well within your right,” he bit out.
“Xavier.” She took his face and forced him to look at her, his eyes somehow both vulnerable and guarded. “Why would I ever think that?”
“Because they’re awful and I hate looking at them,” he stated.
“Then show me,” she said.
He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I don’t—”
“Xavier,” she cut in. “Please.”
He sighed but slumped back against the pillows in resignation. Ariadne reached for the hem of his hoodie. “May I?”
He nodded, still looking at the ceiling.
Ari pushed the hoodie up under his arms as Xavier shivered.
The scar was revealed, a neat surgical line in the center of his chest. There was still a bit of yellow bruising around the area so she was careful about touching it, brushing her fingers gently over the pink skin. Xavier shivered.
“See?” he said bitterly.
“You know what I see when I look at it?” Ari asked him.
Xavier looked away, obviously uncomfortable. “An ugly, disgusting scar?”
“No. I see a reminder of how the doctors were able to save your life,” she told him. “It makes me grateful that you’re still here with me.”
Xavier blinked in surprise. “That’s really how you feel?”
Ariadne smiled at him and nodded. “Yes.”
She lifted up her shirt and showed him a scar on her hip where her skin puckered slightly. “You never talk about my scars. I have a few—do you think they’re ugly too?”
“Of course not,” Xavier said, reaching out and tracing his thumb over the pale scar on her hip, sliding his hand down to trace another across her thigh. “I think they’re sexy. But you got these in battle; it’s not the same.”
“You were injured in battle too,” she reminded him. “Just because the scar is from surgery doesn’t make it any less a badge of honor.” She rested a hand on his hip and leaned over to kiss the scar gently, making Xavier’s breath hitch. “I think it’s pretty sexy when you protect civilians from Wanderer attacks. It just scared me to see you hurt so badly.” She cradled his face again, giving him a little shake. “But I would rather have you, Xavier. The scars make no difference.”
He exhaled slowly and finally a small, tentative smile pulled at his lips. “I guess I’ve been silly.”
“No,” she shook her head. “It’s natural to feel self-conscious about things like this. But know that I will never feel different about you, no matter what scars you have.”
She leaned over and kissed him gently. Xavier hummed against her mouth, actively reciprocating for the first time in weeks. She lay back down next to him and he pulled her into his arms.
“Thank you,” he said quietly. “Sometimes I get too stuck in my own head.”
“I know,” she smiled as she rubbed his back, kissing his nose. “That’s why I’m here to pull you out when you get stuck.”
He smiled and pressed his forehead against hers as he closed his eyes. “I’ll try to remember that next time.”
Ari finally felt relief ease her into sleep as Xavier fell asleep in her arms. While he was still on his journey to full recovery, she hoped that this would help make it quicker.