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Stevie sat in silence and shock as he listened to the woman he loved explain her childhood. Not once did he try to interrupt her, even if it was only to ask a question – he just listened intently and nodded as he made sense of the new information.
Grace’s eyes were full of tears, threatening to spill at any moment as silence filled the room and she waited for a response from her boyfriend.
Stevie didn’t say a word; he rose from the chair he was sitting in, stepped over to Grace and wrapped his arms around her. Grace was tense for a few moments, but she eventually relaxed against him.
“So how come you said it in an interview suite, but you didn’t tell me?” Stevie sighed softly as he eventually stepped back, still trying to process what Grace had told him.
“Well, I never told anyone.” Grace replied with a slight shrug.
“We’ve been together for nearly a year. I just don’t get it. How could you not?” Stevie frowned slightly as he moved back into his chair.
“Because I thought you’d label me.” Grace admitted quietly.
“Label you? What makes you think I’d label you?”
“Whenever you talked about kids in care, you’ve always made it out that they’ll end up being some sort of burden on society… a waste of space. That logic doesn’t make it any easier for me to talk about my past.” Grace told him honestly, her voice shaking as she fought to make her point.
“That’s never what I meant though, Grace. Whenever I made comments about kids in care, I’ve never meant it like that. I’ve never meant to seem like I think they’re going to fail. All I meant is that it is harder for them to get the chances and opportunities that everybody else gets… the ones that they deserve. I know for a fact that it is. I know how hard you worked in your last job to give kids the opportunities that they deserve. It makes a lot more sense now, but I never ever meant to label kids from care as failures.”
“It felt that way. And that’s why I never told you. I didn’t…” Grace sighed.
“You didn’t what?” Stevie asked quietly, his voice also trembling now.
“I just didn’t trust you to not change your opinion of me. See this – us – as a mistake.” Grace mumbled as she stared down at her hands and picked at her nails.
“You don’t trust me?” Stevie asked, his voice breaking now at the idea of the woman he loved so much feeling as though she couldn’t trust him.
“That’s not what I said. I didn’t want you to change your opinion of me.”
“Grace… I love you! My opinion of you could never change. I fell in love with you because of who you are. Yes, it was a rough upbringing, but that has made you the most caring, protective and loyal person I’ve ever met. It had made you the person you are today. There isn’t a single thing that I would change about you.” Stevie told her as a lump started to grow in his throat.
Grace nibbled her lip, her eyes fixated on her hands. She didn’t see Stevie reach out towards her.
“I’m not angry that you didn’t tell me. I’m just gutted that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. It’s a real kick in the teeth.” Stevie sighed as he lifted his hands and covered his face for a moment before looking back to Grace. “Are we okay?” Stevie whispered, tears in his eyes now threatening to spill.
“I just need some space right now.” Grace sighed as she rose to her feet and left the room.
Stevie tensed slightly as he heard the door slam. He wasn’t sure if it was the front door or just the hallway door, but the jump of his body caused a tear to roll down his cheek.
He knew that they’d be okay, that they’d overcome this. But the idea of them not being okay at this very moment made it difficult for him to focus on anything else.
The guilt he felt about making Grace feel that way pressed down onto his chest, making it harder to breathe. He thought back over the small comments he had made over the years about the different kids in care that they had encountered together. He could see how Grace had taken it that way, but that was never his intention. Even if that was his opinion, he wasn’t that insensitive to say that to Grace when he knew she cared so deeply.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Grace left him alone with his own thoughts, but he decided he just wanted this day to end. It had started so well, especially with how Grace was finally feeling more at home in his bungalow. She was in such a good mood that morning, being all cuddly in bed and then flirty as they got ready for work.
He sighed deeply as he stood from his chair and walked through to the bathroom. He quickly brushed his teeth before heading into their bedroom.
The lights were off, and Grace was curled up in the bed. He allowed a small smile to grow on his face at the sight of his girlfriend in their bed, but it didn’t overcome the worry he felt inside.
He grabbed a clean t-shirt and pair of shorts before turning and leaving the room. As much as Stevie wanted to climb into bed beside her, he didn’t know where he stood with her right now. He thought it was better to avoid making things worse and hope he was wrong.
He got into the living room and grabbed the blanket that lay over the back of the sofa. After making up his makeshift bed, he lay down, willing it to warm up - as cliché as it sounded, sleeping without her next to him was always cold. He had called her his little hot water bottle since they started sharing a bed.
As he tried to fall asleep, his mind was running at a million miles an hour. He thought back on the things he said, things he should’ve said and things he started to think he shouldn’t have said. He knew they were bound to have arguments and disagreements throughout their relationship, but he never thought it would hurt so much, especially when this was their first proper fight since getting together nearly a year ago. He didn’t expect it to hurt so much.
He shook his head and decided they could talk about it in the morning - the more he stressed about it, the more anxious he’d get, and he knew that was no good for him.
Just as he started to drift off, he thought he heard footsteps in the corridor, but he took no notice as sleep was taking over.
“Stevie?” He heard whispers from in front of him. He jumped and opened his eyes to see Grace crouched in front of him.
“Grace…” Stevie sighed sharply as he placed his hand on his chest.
“Come to bed, love. You don’t need to sleep out here.” She told him with a slight pout.
“You’re sure?” He frowned slightly.
“Don’t be ridiculous; of course I am. Come on.” She told him as she rose to her feet. Stevie nodded sleepily and stood from the sofa and followed his girlfriend back into their bedroom.
They both got into bed silently. Wanting to give Grace the space that she needed, he turned over so his back was to her and let out a quiet sigh.
Just as he started to fall asleep again, Stevie felt the mattress move and Grace’s arms snaked around his waist. He jumped at the sudden contact but soon relaxed and closed his eyes again.
She shuffled closer, and Stevie smiled, lacing his fingers with hers as they moved up towards his chest.
“We’re okay. I’m sorry for walking out.” Grace whispered to him.
“Grace, love, I don’t blame you at all. It’s a lot to have going on, and I don’t blame you for walking away. I’m sorry that I didn’t come across as someone you could talk to about it. I’m gonna work on making sure I explain things better so they actually say what I mean.” Stevie told her sincerely as he turned over to face her.
“Stevie… you don’t need to do that.”
“No, I do. It’s my fault that you couldn’t talk to me. So I’m gonna try and make it easier for you so you don’t get caught up in your head again.” He explained to her.
She nodded slightly before leaning over and pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. He smiled more and reached forward to cup her cheek.
“I’m sorry for ever making you feel like coming from a care background matters to me. I never meant for that because it doesn’t matter to me. You are who you are, and I wouldn’t change you for the world.”
Grace choked up slightly and nodded as a tear escaped and landed on her pillow.
“Stevie, you don’t know how much it means to hear you say that.” Grace whispered as she leaned closer and rested her head against his chest.
Stevie sighed softly and gently brushed his fingers through her hair as his other arm wrapped around her, holding her tightly, protectively.
“I get it now. I understand why you always said you didn’t need me to protect you and why you said this job was the first thing you ever did for yourself. You’ve always been fighting to survive and prove everyone wrong. You don’t need to do that anymore. You’re not on your own anymore; please remember that.” Stevie said with a soft sigh as he watched her, his eyes starting to adjust to the darkness of the room.
“I know, but it’s all I’ve ever known. And it sounds ridiculous, but I don’t want to rely on someone when so much could go wrong. Attachment is a terrible idea in our job.” Grace replied as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
“So you’ll just never be in a relationship? Never love someone and be loved the way you deserve. What are we doing then, Grace?” Stevie frowned back at her.
“I’m trying, okay? Believe me, I want to be happy, but it’s hard when I don’t know exactly what that is.” Grace replied in a shaky tone.
“Just give me time to show you. I mean, we’ve been happy together for nearly a year now, right?” He asked her nervously. Grace nodded quickly. “I love every part of you. I always will.” Stevie told her in a hushed voice. Grace nodded against him and closed her eyes this time to try and hold back the tears of relief.
“I love you too.” She whispered back shakily, feeling safe in his arms once again.