Chapter Text

The morning had gone smoothly so far. Hair combed, suit pressed, briefcase all set, desk spotless, coffee at the ready.
But of course, there was something missing.

There was no point to being a lawyer without clients.

And today… Langue De Chat Cookie did not have any clients.

He tapped the desk nervously. He’d already finished reading the paper, and everything else in his office had been read to the point of memorization. He was confident he could defend any cookie who deserved it, and even the law agreed that all suspects were innocent until proven guilty. 

No clients was a good thing, maybe. It meant that cookies were getting along. But part of Langue De Chat quietly hoped that something would happen today.

_…thud.

Thud.

What was that? A low thudding noise, quiet, but just loud enough to be heard over the city life outside.

Thud.

There it was again! Curiosity and boredom urged him to get up from his desk and investigate. But surely it wasn’t that important. Besides, if he left his desk, what if he missed his next client?

THUD!

It was getting louder. Whatever it was must be getting closer. Surely a quick peek outside couldn’t hurt?

THUD!

The building shook as he reached the doorway. A terrified cookie ran past as he got outside. He froze as the area where he stood was suddenly covered in shadow. Something massive had moved directly in front of the law firm.

THUD.

It took him a moment to fully grasp what he was seeing. A towering creature, its feet the size of cars, bent down, its piercing eyes staring through his dough. He shuddered as he felt sugarbumps rise along his arms. What was this giant?

“My eyes are down here.”

The voice jolted Langue De Chat out of his terrified trance and he glanced back down to see a cookie standing in front of him. She seemed somewhat familiar, though Langue De Chat couldn’t quite place what he recognized about her. She had messy basil hair and a puffy mozzarella sweatshirt that really seemed like it was overdue to be washed. He glanced between the cookie and the creature behind her for a moment before regaining his composure.

“Apologies. Uh, is that… thing… with you?”

“She’s my ride.”

“Right, yes, of course. Are you here… seeking legal counsel?”

“This is a law firm, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Right this way.”

He shook hands and led the cookie back inside, doing his best to ignore the questions he had about whatever that thing was outside. It was rude to stare. Unprofessional. His focus should be on this potential new client.

He directed the cookie to his office and offered her a seat before he sat himself at his desk.

“I suppose we should introduce each other before discussing any legal matters. As I’m sure you’ve gathered, I am Langue De Chat Cookie, defense attorney. No case is too big or too small. I’ve even defended high-profile clients on tough cases. Of course, client confidentiality requires that I spare the details, but I assure you you’re in good hands. Now, could you introduce yourself and tell me the reason for your visit today?”

“My name’s Caprese Cookie,” she replied. “I’ve been dealing with a bit of a …situation, and I was kind of wondering what my legal options are.”

Langue De Chat squinted.

“What kind of a situation?” He asked.

“Right,” she replied nervously. “So I was kind of in a bit of legal trouble a few months ago, and one of the cookies involved with that case wasn’t happy with the verdict and isn’t letting it go. At first it was more of just a nuisance, but now a few other cookies have joined her on a bit of a campaign against me. I try to just ignore the comments I get when I post on CookieTube, but it’s getting worse, especially the comments people keep leaving on Breaddit and Instacrumb.”

“Legal trouble a few months ago…” Langue De Chat thought aloud. Maybe he did recognize this cookie from somewhere after all. “Is this at all related to that creature outside?”
Caprese smiled sheepishly.

“Yea…”

“And, what… is it, exactly?”

“A human… I guess it wasn’t the best idea to bring her here, but I didn’t have any other methods of transportation.”

Something jogged his memory. ‘Human’... Of course!

“You’re that cookie who was on trial for the disappearance of those three Hollyberrians!” he realized aloud before jolting from his desk and dashing to his file cabinet. He always made sure to keep a record of any particularly unusual case he came across. After a minute of filing through paperwork, he found just the case file he was looking for.

“Yes, I remember. You were acquitted of the charge of kidnapping due to lack of evidence, but you still served a conditional discharge sentence for assault and accessory to a crime. The trial proceedings were very non-standard, but the verdict seems fair, if somewhat lenient.”

He paused to read more of the file, stumbling over a statement that made his jam run cold.

“...humans eat cookies!?”

“There it is…” Caprese muttered.

“It’s right outside my office…” He whimpered. “In the middle of town…”

“She’s got enough self restraint to handle it. Probably…”

“‘Probably’ is not a particularly reassuring statement!”

He took a deep breath and sighed.

“Please, go on. You were talking about a potential defamation case?”

“Yea, so uh, you know that author, Linzer Cookie?”

“I’m familiar, yes.”

“So, the case inspired her to write another novel, and she’s been consulting with me to make sure the human in her story matches what real humans are like, and I guess the fact she’s using a real case as inspiration is rubbing some cookies the wrong way.”

“Is the book a dramatization of the actual case?” Langue De Chat asked. “I could understand how any cookies directly involved might not be okay with that.”

“No, I’m pretty sure the story is entirely fictional,” Caprese replied. “I haven’t actually read any of it, but Linzer’s made it sound like there’s a forbidden romance subplot to it.”

“And what exactly are cookies saying about you and all this?”

“This cookie, Lemon Wafer Cookie,” Caprese explained. “Is absolutely convinced I’m a threat to other cookies. She’s been trying to ‘spread awareness’ about it by commenting on anything even remotely related to me. And she’s convinced a few other cookies to agree with her. It’s mostly just online harassment, but I’ve gotten more threatening messages as well.”

“I suppose the human could be seen as a threat,” he considered aloud. “But why are they going after you?”

“Lemon Wafer kind of sees the human and I as the same entity,” Caprese muttered. “And… maybe she’s partially right, but I can’t eat cookies!”

“...Partially right?”

“I, well, um… the human baked me to have some of her memories. So I remember what it’s like to be a human. And what it’s like to eat cookies. …and what they taste like.”

“But you’re a cookie yourself.”

“Exactly! It’s not like I can just grab someone off the street and gobble them down!”

“...but the human currently outside on the street could do that…?”

“...”

“...”

“I should… maybe check on her.”

Langue De Chat cautiously followed the potential client outside as she went to see how her human half was doing. The giant seemed bored, combing through her long hair with her fingers. A few strands fell into the roadway, which had been blocked off at either end by a set of police cars. He sighed nervously before following Caprese onto the roadway. 

“Who’s this?” the human’s voice boomed from above. “A tiny little lawyer?”

“My name is-” He interrupted himself to whimper as the human bent down towards him. “...Langue De Chat Cookie.”

“Little guy!” the human cooed as she extended a finger. “Could just eat you up~”

“Let’s not,” Caprese said with mild annoyance. “We already had enough trouble last time.”

“...last time?” he asked nervously, but the two of them were interrupted before he could get a response.

“Caprese Cookie!” someone called in a reprimanding tone. “What did I say!?”

“Almond…” Caprese grumbled under her breath before turning around.

“The human is not allowed within city limits!” Almond Cookie continued. “She’s causing a disturbance and damaging the roadway!”

He paused as he noticed a strand of hair float to the ground.

“And…littering.”

“I just needed a lift into town!” Caprese argued. “Just had to do a couple of errands and then we’d be out of here.”

“The human’s not street-legal…” Almond said sternly.

“I’m parallel parked!” the human offered as she pointed to her feet, which were straddling the road on either side like two oddly shaped cars. Almond let out an exasperated sigh.

“Whether or not the human is street legal depends on whether it is classified as a pedestrian or a motor vehicle,” Langue De Chat began. “There are currently no actual laws on the books specifically barring humans from entering city limits or being used as a form of transportation. Therefore, a verbal request to keep the human outside of the city limits is not legally binding. You would have to establish a legal precedent prior to charging someone with a nonexistent crime.”

Almond turned to Caprese.

“You hired a lawyer?”

Caprese stifled a smug grin.

“You're still taking up department resources,” Almond stated as he gestured to the police blockade. “The human’s gotta go.”

“How am I supposed to get around, then?” She whined.

“That is not the department’s problem, unless ya want a free ride to the detention center.”

“It’s fine, I’ll go,” the human offered. “Gonna need to sit down soon anyways and there’s not really any good places to sit here.”

“Guys, can we all just, hang on a second,” Caprese pleaded before the human could make an attempt to leave. “I can make this quick. The human and police can just sit tight for a few more minutes while we finish this up and then I’ll be out of your hair, er, frosting.”
Before anyone could object, Langue De Chat felt a tug on his suit as his client pulled him back into the building. The cookie was surprisingly strong for her size, and before he was quite sure what was happening, they were back in his office.

“I would highly advise against doing that in the future,” he muttered, readjusting his suit before sitting down. “But please, have a seat again so we can continue.”

Caprese tossed something small onto the desk. Langue De Chat adjusted his glasses as he picked up the object to examine it.

“I put everything on that flash drive,” Caprese explained. “All the crap Lemon Wafer keeps saying, all the nonsense other cookies keep saying.”

“We won’t have time to review this now,” he noted as he set the drive back on the table. “But could you give me a basic summary of the claims against you?”

“I used to be human or otherwise have the memories of a human, therefore I must still think I’m human, therefore I must still want to eat cookies, therefore I’m a danger to be around, therefore cookies should avoid me and avoid associating with me.”

“That’s a good start, but the statements alone aren’t enough to make a strong case,” he explained. “The statements would need to be proven false, proven harmful, proven to have been spread with the intent to cause harm, proven that the defendant knew the statements were false and could cause harm, and proven that other cookies had heard and reacted to these statements.”

“That’s a lot of provens…” Caprese muttered.

“Exactly,” he replied. “I’ll have to look into all of this further before I can confirm if we have a strong case here or not. If you could just fill out this paperwork with your contact information, I’ll be able to reach out to you when I finish the initial steps of investigation and discovery.”

“Right, yea, I’ll just…” She trailed off as she started to work on the forms. “Do I owe you anything for-”

“Oh, no no,” He replied. “The initial consultation visit is free. We can discuss other fees once we determine next steps.”

Caprese finished the forms and the two exchanged a brief formal goodbye before she left. Soon, the heavy footfalls of the human could be heard stomping off into the distance.

“Not sure how I feel about this!” Langue De Chat muttered nervously to himself as he plugged his new client’s flash drive into his work computer. Soon enough, folders of screenshots popped up onto the screen. He pulled them into slideshow view as he began to comb through them.

“Why would a cookie help a human eat other cookies?”

“Something’s wrong with her. Not a surprise she keeps to herself.”

“They let her off too easy. She never showed remorse for what happened to those poor cookies.”

“I don’t buy any of this. The human’s brainwashed her, and the justice system is trying to protect her over the victims. I’ll bet the human threatened some cookies behind the scenes. Textbook coercion.”

Langue De Chat frowned as he skimmed through the screenshots. He paused as he found a statement from Lemon Wafer Cookie herself.

“For the safety of all cookies, I cannot express enough how important it is for Caprese Cookie’s true nature to be known. Many are framing her as a victim, as if she was somehow coerced, brainwashed, or did what she did under duress. She did not help the human out of fear of being eaten, but because she considered the human and herself to be the same entity. This is because she was baked with the human’s own memories. She was essentially baked with a human soul. She aided the human in capturing cookies for the purposes of consumption because she would have done the same. She knows what cookies taste like because the human knows what cookies taste like, and she finds us to be delicious just as the human does. We cannot allow a cookie who sees their fellow cookies as meals  live free in our society. The human did not spare the young or injured. We can’t take any chances with a cookie who thinks the same.”

He sighed as his jam sank. This case would be harder than he anticipated. Lemon Wafer’s statements were conjecture, but she was a detective who wouldn’t make baseless claims of this magnitude.

He switched back to the case file. Because the incident had been split between multiple jurisdictions and legal departments, the information he had was sparse. He had the basics of the case; the transcript of the legal proceedings, courtroom sketches, a handful of documents from the flourensics department, witness and victim testimonies, and composite drawings of the human. It was a good start, but several documents mentioned evidence he did not have access to. Moreover, there was no actual evidence outside of testimony that Caprese had been involved in the crimes at all. Not a single victim even recognized her! The evidence was circumstantial at best, it was only to be expected for the charges to be dropped.

But…

Chapter Text

“This is a SLAP suit. You do realize that, right?” Cappuccino’s tired voice said from the other end of the phone line. “It’ll be dismissed or dropped before it’ll ever get a chance to actually stand in court.”

“But I can’t just turn down a client!” Langue De Chat argued. “Fair legal representation is crucial to ensure all cookies see justice!”

“And taking legal action to silence the victim of a crime is justice,” Cappuccino replied sarcastically. “Listen, this case is a mess. The trial was rushed, the evidence is all over the place, and it seems everyone was far too preoccupied with concerns about the human to focus on anything resembling justice for the victims. I’ve spoken with Lemon Wafer Cookie herself, and it’s clear Caprese Cookie got off easy on a technicality. Frankly, I don’t know what Almond Cookie was thinking with his testimony. Whole thing smells like a plea deal they forgot to add a guilty verdict to.”

“My client was found guilty of the assault charge,” Langue De Chat argued.

“This does not help your case.”

“My point is-” he continued. “You can’t say that the courts were biased in favor of Caprese if she wasn’t fully acquitted.”

“Here’s my advice,” Cappuccino said flatly. “If you try to take any legal action with this, your client’s criminal record will be brought up. If you want a defense against that, you may want to ask the cop she roughed up why he didn’t push for a harsher sentence.”

He muttered something about vacations that Langue didn’t quite make out before hanging up the line.
Cappuccino did have a point, though. According to the case files, Caprese had assaulted Almond and tampered with evidence. Almond had even testified against her and Caprese had admitted to the charges. But 3 months community service and house arrest was a very light sentence for assaulting an officer. Why had he suggested the lighter sentence?

An assault charge on the client’s record would make it much harder to argue defamation in court. Such a short sentence implied she wasn’t a significant threat to other cookies, but the fact it had happened at all was a bad look. How could he convince other cookies that his client wasn’t dangerous if she had attacked cookies in the past?

Langue realized that hypothesizing would get him nowhere. Again, Cappuccino was right. He should ask Almond. He pulled out his cellphone and called a number he was fairly certain was correct and paced his office as he waited for someone to pick up.

“Department of Magical Emergency Handling, non-emergency line. How may I direct your call?”

“Hi-” Langue replied. “Apologies, this is Langue De Chat Cookie, Attorney at law. I’m calling in regards to a case I’m working on and needed to speak with Detective Almond Cookie. Is he available at the moment or should I schedule a meeting?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

“Almond Cookie is currently out of office but according to our last notes he should be back shortly. Do you want me to give you a direct line so you can call back or would you like me to put you on hold while I transfer you?”

“Both, please.”

Langue quickly scribbled the number given onto a piece of paper and waited as he was put on hold. Finally Almond’s gruff voice answered from the other end.

“This is Detective Almond Cookie-”

“Ah, good!” Langue started. “This is Langue De Chat Cookie. We spoke briefly earlier, and I had a few questions for you about my newest client-”

“Caprese Cookie…” Almond groaned. “She’s a piece of work. And that incident with the human earlier is giving me more work.”

“I do apologize if you’re busy,” Langue continued. “But I needed to understand a bit more about what happened when she assaulted you.”

“I am, in fact, busy,” Almond replied bluntly. “Look, I don’t have time now, but I can set some time aside after dinner tonight, if you’re willing to meet at my place. I’m sure Walnut Cookie will have some things to say as well.”

“Yes, of course, could you give me the address?”

Once again, Langue scribbled a quick note as he listened over the phone. Before he had a chance to thank the detective for his time, he had already hung up.

“Busy…” Langue muttered. He glanced at the papers on his desk. Making himself busy in the meantime was probably the best way he could pass the time. Reading everything over again couldn’t hurt.

The more he read into the case, the more distressed Langue felt about his encounter with the human earlier. It had acted so friendly this morning, but according to the details in this file, it was a jamthirsty cookievorous monster. He shuddered as he read about the smear of jam and crumbs found at the scene of the crime. To be so flippant and careless as to use such a creature as a method of transportation in a crowded urban area! Maybe Cappuccino and Lemon Wafer Cookie were right after all; the flagrant disregard for cookie’s safety was grounds enough to argue that Caprese Cookie was a danger to others.
But he just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing here. Almond Cookie had treated her more like a misbehaving child than a dangerous criminal. And despite the potential dangers, the human hadn’t actually done anything except leave a few cracks in the pavement.

There was disappointingly little information on humans available online. Most was related to the case itself, and that which was not consisted primarily of cookies debating if Witches were a type of human, or if humans were a type of Witch. While visually similar, the thought that Witches were at all related to creatures that had no qualms eating cookies was… disturbing. 

Finally, it was time to head over to Almond Cookie’s house. The directions seemed straightforward enough, though Langue took a wrong turn at the roundabout and had to retrace his path. Finally, he reached what he believed was the correct building and knocked at the door.

“Coming!”

He heard the pattering of small footsteps before the door swung open, revealing Almond’s daughter. Walnut’s mouth was halfway-full of jellies, but she smiled as she recognized who was at the door.

“Hello!” Langue greeted. Walnut tried to respond, but frowned as her full mouth wouldn’t allow her to speak. She instead turned to her dad, who looked more exhausted compared to when Langue had seen him earlier.

“You’re early…” Almond muttered. His plate of food had barely been touched.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Langue apologized. “I didn’t mean to interrupt family dinner!”

“It’s fine,” Almond sighed. “Kiddo, could you please serve our guest?”

Walnut eagerly readied a seat and plate of jellies for Langue as he sat down. He quietly grabbed a jelly with his fork and did his best to politely start a conversation.

“So…”

“You’re here to ask us about Caprese Cookie,” Almond said. Walnut perked up.

“Are you defending Caprese Cookie too?” She asked. “You did a really good job defending Roguefort Cookie!”

“Well, not exactly, but also thank you,” Langue De Chat explained. “Caprese Cookie came to me seeking legal counsel regarding submitting a possible defamation suit.”

“Defamation about what?” Almond scoffed. “She knows what she did. She’d be in prison if we’d given her a full sentence for assaulting an officer.”

“But that’s exactly what I wanted to ask you about,” Langue pressed. “She assaulted you. So why did you request giving her a lighter sentence?”

Almond paused.

“You have the trial transcript, don’t you? Human was gonna find the prison and eat everyone in it if we locked Caprese Cookie up.”

“But is that really why?” Langue pressed further. “It’s not like the department to capitulate to threatening demands.”

Almond stayed quiet for a few moments, taking a few silent bites out of his meal. Understanding that Langue wasn’t planning to drop the question, he sighed.

“Caprese Cookie is… an interesting case.”

“What exactly happened with that confrontation?” Langue asked. “The court record is suspiciously vague on the details that lead up to Caprese Cookie attacking you. I would assume you’d be able to fill in the gaps if there was otherwise enough evidence to convict her.”

“I…” Almond began. “Walnut was in danger, and I perceived the situation to have been Caprese Cookie’s fault. Words were exchanged, and in the heat of the moment… I acted unprofessionally and said a few things I should not have said.”

“And Caprese Cookie attacked you after a verbal provocation?”

“We both lost a few crumbs, but I managed to subdue her.”

Langue De Chat could tell that Almond wasn’t telling him everything. But the detective was too hard to read, and Langue understood that he likely wouldn’t be able to get any more information out of him. He instead turned to Walnut.

“And Walnut Cookie, what about you? Did you see what happened?”

“Nope,” Walnut said. “I was busy… being in danger!”

She exchanged a sheepish look with her father. 

“And what was this… ‘danger’?”

“The human could've eaten her,” Almond explained before Walnut could elaborate. “I was worried I’d lose her.”

Langue turned back to Walnut, who was quietly poking at the last jellies on her plate. It seemed that both detectives were getting avoidant.

Dinner was finished in uncomfortable silence.

Langue pulled out his briefcase, but before he could go over the documents in detail, they were interrupted by a call over Almond’s radio. Langue couldn’t quite gather what was being said over the garbled nonsense, but Almond gave an affirmative reply before turning back to him.

“That was dispatch. There’s been a hit-and-run. Sorry to cut this off early, but they need me on the scene.”

“Oh, of course!” Langue replied understandingly. “Do you need me to stay here? I can-”

“Yes, actually,” Almond replied. “I need you to stay here and watch Walnut Cookie while I’m gone. She’s a bit of a …flight risk, if you know what I mean.”

“I mean, yea, I can… uh, babysit if that’s what you need.”

“Dad!” Walnut whined.

“Stay put, kiddo. It’s late.”

Walnut grumbled something under her breath as Langue and Almond exchanged a nod. The senior detective left, and soon it was just the two of them.

“So,” Langue started. “You up for talking more about Caprese Cookie?”

“Mmm, okay,” Walnut agreed. “She’s nice, but kind of weird. She gave me free jellies when I went to the library at the museum even though we weren’t allowed to eat in there. She can even summon extra hands;  she has these huge long arms with big hands she can summon to grab things from far away!”

“Now that you mention it,” Langue considered. “She was surprisingly strong when she grabbed me earlier. I didn’t see what she grabbed me with, but I guess she must’ve used them when I wasn’t looking”

“I think she can even carry cookies with them!” Walnut added. “You can use them like ropes for climbing. I wonder how many cookies she could actually carry…”

“Do you think Caprese Cookie is dangerous?” Langue asked. 

“Almond Cookie says that any cookie can be dangerous if they want to be.”

“I mean, more than usual,” Langue clarified. “According to all these documents, she has some human memories, including memories of eating cookies. Do you think there’s any risk, even though she’s a cookie now, that she might hurt a cookie or try to eat them?”

Walnut considered the question for a moment before shaking her head.

“She doesn’t want to hurt us. The human was just hungry.”

“Caprese Cookie came to me because cookies were saying things about her online,” Langue De Chat explained. “Not very nice things. She wanted me to help prove them wrong, but I need to ask questions to be sure.”

“I know.”

Before Langue could make a follow up statement, Walnut’s gaze seemed to focus on something behind him. He flinched as she hopped onto the couch beside him and stared intently out the window.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I just saw something!” Walnut explained. “Something moved, it looked like a cookie fell off the roof of that building!”

Langue looked out the window and followed her gaze. He saw nothing.

“Are you sure? I don’t-”

He stopped as he heard the front door quietly opening and turned to make direct eye contact with Walnut, who was trying her best not to seem suspicious as her hands held the doorknob.

“Hey! Your dad said you needed to stay here!”

“I need to investigate!” Walnut insisted. “What if a cookie really did fall off the roof!? They could be hurt!”

Langue raised an eyebrow.

“This isn’t just some ploy to get out of the house, is it? Almond Cookie made it pretty clear you needed to stay put.”

“I promise!” Walnut pleaded. “I really did see something!”

Langue considered for a moment.

“Close the door.”

Walnut grumbled but obeyed. He could tell she hadn’t completely dropped whatever interested her from outside. Her expression suddenly changed and she left into the other room, returning with a cat in her arms.

“We need to feed Constable Whiskers.”

“Oh. A cat,” Langue muttered. “Sure...”

Walnut set the cat onto the kitchen counter. It immediately took an interest in Langue’s documents and began sniffing the stack of papers. He eyed the pet warily before glancing back at Walnut.

“I’m not strong enough to open this can,” Walnut said flatly as she handed a can of cat food to him. “I’ll go get the kibble jellies.”

“Alright!” Langue said with a laugh. “I can definitely- hey!”

He tried to shoo the cat away as it began walking over his case files. It grumbled and walked past a drink cup still left on the counter, its tail knocking the cup of water right next to the documents.

“No no no!” he whined as he scrambled to collect all the documents before the water reached them. As he checked to make sure none were damaged, he stopped as he spotted Walnut sneaking to the door from the corner of his eye.

“Hey!”

Walnut did her best to look nonchalant, but at this point Langue wasn’t buying it.

“You’re distracting me on purpose!” He accused. “You weren’t going to get kibble jellies at all!”

“No, I-” Walnut began. “Constable Whiskers did it!”

“Then why were you bolting for the door…?”

Walnut looked as if she was thinking of an excuse, but gave up and pulled the door open in an attempt to leave. The cat, noticing the fresh air, now also made a run for the door.

“No!” Langue ordered, shooting himself into the opening and blocking the two troublemakers from leaving. He gently pushed both away before shutting the door again and propping himself against it as a blockade.

“You. Are in big trouble, kid!” Langue warned. “I’m calling your dad!”

“If you just let me outside to investigate!” Walnut argued.

The phone went to voicemail. He groaned.

“How was I supposed to know Almond Cookie’s kid would be this much of a handful!”

He needed to find a solution to this, quickly. He had no idea how long Almond would be gone, and he couldn’t just stand in front of the door all night. He was tempted to just let Walnut outside, but he didn’t want her to get into any trouble.

“There’s no way I can do this by myself,” he whined. “I need an extra hand.”

Suddenly he got an idea.

It was maybe not the best idea, but it was a better idea than being a sentient barricade.

...He decided to call his new client.

Chapter Text

Langue De Chat Cookie paced in front of the door as he waited for his backup to arrive. Walnut was on the couch with the cat, both of them looking disappointed but otherwise fine. He worried that Caprese might bring the human again, but decided it was too late to be concerned about that now.

Langue flinched as he heard a knock at the door. It had been some time since he called Caprese, but surely she hadn’t gotten here so quickly?
He opened the door to be proven wrong. His client was here already.

“That was fast,” he breathed.

“Hey,” Caprese greeted. “This your house, or?”

“I, well, it’s actually Almond and Walnut Cookie’s house.”

Caprese peeked her head through the doorway and waved to Walnut before walking inside.

“And why did you need me here exactly?”

“Well, I’ve been interviewing Almond and Walnut Cookie to get their opinion on if you’re a threat to the public or not,” Langue explained. “And I figured, hey, why not interview Caprese Cookie herself while we’re at it?”

Caprese raised an eyebrow.

“That’s not true,” Walnut said, rolling her eyes. “He needs help because he doesn’t know how to babysit.”

Caprese laughed.

“Objection!” Langue argued. “It is very important to the integrity of the legal process to get the opinions of all involved parties.”

Before he could defend himself further, he noticed that Caprese had spotted the leftover dinner still on the stove. She picked up a jelly and tossed it into her mouth before anyone could object.

“You should… probably ask first before helping yourself,” Langue suggested.

“I’m hungry,” Caprese replied. “And judging from the plates, you guys have already eaten.”

“Well, I suppose that’s ok…”

Caprese helped herself to a few more jellies.

“I don’t think I had lunch today,” she noted. “Wouldn’t want me to be hungry or anything, right? Wouldn’t want me to eat any cookies!”

She spun around and shot out a pair of cheese arms, giggling as Langue flinched.

“Oh come on, I’m not that scary!”

“But some part of you used to be human, right?” Langue asked. “So some part of you knows what cookies taste like.”

“Yes…”

She distracted herself with more food.

“I suppose it might be a bit of an uncomfortable topic for you,” Langue began. “But I couldn’t really find much information about humans online. It’s said they’re cookivorous, but surely they eat something besides cookies, right?”

“Humans are omnivorous,” Caprese corrected. “They can eat basically anything, especially in this universe. They just… really like how cookies taste.”

“And what about how they live? Do they have communities like cookies do?”

“Cookie civilization is actually pretty similar to human civilization in a lot of ways,” Caprese explained. “Probably because of the Witches. But we have cities, cars, courtrooms…”

“But humans don’t feel bad for eating cookies?”

“Depends who you ask.”

Caprese paused and squinted suspiciously as she noticed something else on the kitchen counter. She grabbed a container and pulled it over towards the kitchen island Langue was standing at.

“What are these?” Caprese asked in concerned confusion as she showed the container to Langue.

“Uh… biscuits?”

“British of you,” Caprese muttered. “And cookies eat these?”

“Well, yes. Do humans not-?”

“Biscuit,” Caprese interrupted. “...means the same thing to humans as the word ‘cookie.’” 

“But there’s a huge difference!” Langue argued. “Surely humans would understand there’s a huge difference between a biscuit and us! We move!”

“Well, technically the more accurate term would be gingerbread cookie,” Caprese admitted. “Or gingerbread man.”

“But most cookies don’t have gingerbread in their dough!” Langue explained. “There are shortbread cookies, sugar cookies, pastry cookies-”

He paused as Caprese suddenly shot out a cheese arm in the direction of something behind him. He turned to see an outspread cheese hand blocking Walnut from reaching the door.

“This why you needed a backup babysitter?” Caprese said smugly. “Little escape artist detective was too much to handle on your own?”

“I saw something outside I need to investigate!” Walnut insisted. “Langue De Chat Cookie wouldn’t let me leave!”

“Yea? What kind of something?”

“I saw a shadow on the roof there,” Walnut continued, moving to the couch and pointing out the window. “And suddenly it looked like it fell off!”

“I didn’t see anything outside when I came in,” Caprese offered.

“How did you get here, anyways?” Langue asked. “You were quiet so I assume you didn’t take the human.”

“Oh yea, some cookie offered me a ride,” Caprese offered. “They seemed to know exactly where to go.”

Langue glanced back as Walnut moved to the other side of the room and pulled out an investigation board. She paced in front of it in deep thought as the two adults watched.

“It’s a bit harder to solve a case without being able to investigate the scene…” Walnut thought aloud. “I can use myself as a witness, but without any other clues or evidence…”

“Do you want me to just go outside?” Caprese offered, evidently amused. “No one said I’m not allowed to leave. I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be here.”

Walnut considered for a moment.

“I’m not sure, you’d need to have a detective’s eye for detail.”

“Yea?” Caprese asked, walking back to the kitchen. “Let’s see. You and your dad were starting dinner, but didn’t expect an extra guest. There’s a plate that doesn’t match with the others. Plus, there wasn’t a ton of leftovers left over. And now there is… no leftovers.”

“Because you ate them all,” Walnut confirmed teasingly.

“Not bad,” Langue said. “What does the expert think?”

“Hmmm…” Walnut replied. “It could just be a lucky guess. What else do you notice?”

“There’s a can of cat food over here,” Caprese said. “I don’t think any of you guys were planning to have that for dinner, but it’s unopened, so the cat hasn’t eaten yet. I also didn’t know you had a cat.”

“A stray cat decided to live at the department and it took a liking to my dad so we took it home and named it Constable Whiskers.”

Apparently responding to its name, the cat appeared on cue. Caprese bent down to pet it with a cheese hand.

“I kinda had a cat like that when I was your age,” Caprese mused. “A stray that decided to live with us. We named him Stripey Ginger. Because he was stripey. And ginger.”

Walnut seemed somewhat more impressed, but apparently wasn’t quite convinced Caprese could case a scene for her just yet.

“Anything else?” she pressed.

Caprese thought for a moment. She glanced around the kitchen before gesturing to the table.

“Something spilled. There’s a bunch of used paper towels, and all those documents are pushed into the corner as if someone tried to pull them together in a hurry.”

“She’s good…” Walnut thought aloud. “Okay. You’re hired.”

“Hired?” Caprese laughed. “What am I getting paid with, jellies?”

“I will pay you with an I.O.U. for free detective services should you need them in the future,” Walnut said confidently. “Now, if you could please follow me I will give you your work assignment.”

Caprese seemed to stifle amusement as she was led to the doorway.

“Your job is simple,” Walnut continued. “Investigate the area for anything suspicious. I will monitor you from the window and direct you on where to go.”

“You got it, boss.”

As soon as Caprese was outside, Walnut was back on the couch by the window. Caprese would glance back intermittently and the two of them would exchange gestures as Walnut did her best to explain what she needed. Langue could tell the kid was getting a bit frustrated.

“Go closer to the corner!” Walnut ordered, doing her best to signal through the window. 

“I don’t think she can hear you,” Langue noted. 

“This is why you guys need to let me go out there myself!” Walnut complained. “I’m the best when it comes to tracking down clues!”

“Well, your dad said no leaving the house, so I’m just following the rules to the letter. Unless there’s an emergency, no leaving the house.”

Walnut continued trying to direct Caprese from a distance before eventually giving up. Caprese continued to snoop around for a few more minutes before returning inside.

“I didn’t see anything over there,” she said. “A couple pieces of trash, that’s it.”

“Trash can be evidence too!” Walnut argued. “What was it?”

“Uh, piece of newspaper and an empty coffee cup.”

Langue could tell that Walnut wasn’t entirely satisfied with this “evidence,” but she nodded and returned to her investigation board to rearrange some of the pins.

”A little obsessive,” Caprese said under her breath. “But adorable.”

“I’m starting to understand what Almond Cookie said when he told me she’s a flight risk,” Langue added. “I didn’t realize what I was getting into and needed an extra hand.”

“Oh, right,” she noted. “Let’s put this kid on a leash.”

A tendril of cheese extended from Caprese’s sweatshirt and wrapped around Walnut’s torso.

“Hey!” Walnut grumbled.

“We wouldn’t have to do this if you didn’t keep trying to run off.”

“We wouldn’t have to do this if adult cookies would listen to me for once!” Walnut grumbled quietly.

Langue turned back to Caprese.

“So, humans.”

“Humans,” Caprese replied.

“Humans,” Walnut added.

“We were talking about-”

THUD

A rattling thud shook the building, startling him and Walnut.

“The hell was that?” Caprese asked

“A human?” Walnut and Langue asked nervously.

“Didn’t sound quite right,” Caprese said. “Sounded more like something hit the side of the building above us.”

Walnut rushed to the stairs, nearly dragging Caprese up with her.

“Slow down!” she begged as she grabbed onto the mozzarella string and followed Walnut upstairs. Langue cautiously followed and found the two of them standing by the window of an undisturbed bedroom.

“No clues at all,” Walnut said disappointedly. “But maybe no clues is a clue!”

She rushed back to the stairs.

“Stop!” Caprese pleaded as she followed. “You’re gonna drag me down the stairs!”

Langue sighed and followed them back downstairs.

“This time you have to let me outside!” Walnut insisted. “Just for a minute, please?”

Caprese glanced at Langue for a response. 

“I mean… she has the leash now,” he offered.

“Great!” Walnut said, pulling Caprese towards the door as she opened it. Caprese held herself steady in the threshold as Walnut examined the building from outside.

“Hmm, more nothing,” Walnut said in disappointment. She allowed Caprese to slowly reel her back inside. She turned to the couch and flopped onto it, turning over to turn on the television. The two adults glanced at her before taking a seat by the kitchen islet.

“Frankly, you don’t seem dangerous to me,” Langue said as he turned to Caprese. “I’m not just saying that as your lawyer. You’re good with the kid, you make decent conversation.”

“Sure,” Caprese said indifferently, not particularly prone to flattery.

“You don’t really seem particularly aggressive, either,” he added. “But it sounds like with this assault charge, when you attacked Almond Cookie, that you were provoked somehow. Could you tell me anything about that?”

Caprese seemed somewhat uncomfortable, but before she could answer, they were interrupted by Langue’s cellphone.

“Oh, sorry, let me get that,” he muttered. “It’s probably my parents. They usually call in the evenings when I’m off work, I forgot to tell them I was meeting with Almond Cookie tonight. -Hello?”

“Langue De Chat Cookie, dear! We tried to call you earlier on your landline but realized you must be busy. Is everything alright?”

“Oh, hi Mom. Everything’s fine, just got a bit busy with work.”

“I could imagine it was quite frightening to see that human earlier! We saw it on the news! Right in front of your law firm!”

“I did my best to keep my composure and stay professional!” Langue replied proudly. “But it was quite disconcerting for sure.”

“You did so well! Our brave little biscuit!”

“Ha. Yea.” He paused, glancing at Caprese. “I’m your… brave little biscuit.”

Caprese smirked.

“Sorry, Mom,” Langue continued. “I’m with a client right now, I’ll have to call you back later.”

“Goodnight, honey. Don’t let the humans bite!”

He hung up the phone and stared at it for a minute before putting it away and looking back at Caprese.

“Brave little biscuit,” Caprese repeated teasingly.

“Slightly more horrifying given the implications of our earlier conversation,” Langue muttered. “I should be thankful the human wasn’t hungry.”

“You’d probably be fine,” Caprese assured. “The human’s got this whole system about who she does and doesn’t eat. Walnut figured out the basics pretty quickly.”

“Oh yea?” Langue asked, turning towards the couch. His jam sank as he processed the lack of Walnut.

Sensing something was wrong, Caprese turned around.

Instead of a young cookie, on the couch sat a chair, pillow, and vaguely walnut-shaped teddy bear. The items were still neatly wrapped in the string cheese from Caprese, but they had failed their purpose as a leash.

“That is not Walnut.”

Chapter Text

“Almond’s gonna kill us…”

“Walnut Cookie?” Langue called out, saving hope that the young cookie might not have made a final, successful escape attempt.

“She’s either gone or hiding, dude,” Caprese said. “She’s not gonna respond to her name.”

“Walnut Cookie!” he tried again.

“...did you just not hear what I said or-”

Langue sighed and looked at his client.

“She could’ve just gone to another room,” he offered. Caprese rolled her eyes and gestured to the items on the couch.

“She wouldn’t go through all of that effort if she wasn’t trying to trick us. Either she’s long gone, or she’s hiding somewhere in the house in the hopes we’ll leave so she can sneak out while we’re gone.”

Langue paused to consider.

“I’ll look around the house and you can look outside, then.”

Caprese nodded and went out the front door. Langue turned to examine his surroundings. The home was well furnished. Cozy. Tidy, with the exception of a few stray papers and books left partially read. Almond was a busy cookie, but he put enough time in after his shifts to care for the house and Walnut. Langue felt a bit guilty for inviting Caprese without asking Almond first, but Walnut most likely would have found a way to escape even sooner if he hadn’t asked for extra help. 

No sign of Walnut on the first floor, though Langue supposed the girl was clever enough she could’ve found a way to hide undetected. Satisfied he had looked as well as he could, he continued upstairs.

Nothing was out of the ordinary, save for a slight smudge on the window that must’ve been missed when it was last cleaned. Once again, no sign of Walnut.
As he returned downstairs, he saw Caprese back on the couch, nervously eating the fingers from her string cheese hand.

“...Are you ok?” he asked.

Caprese stopped and glanced at him as if she hadn’t been aware of what she’d been doing.

“Oh, um, yea. Just nervous.”

She glanced back down at the gnawed appendage as if debating if she was still hungry.

“It doesn’t hurt?” Langue asked, still a bit concerned by the behavior.

“No, not really,” she said. “Sorry…”

She retracted the cheese arm.

“Hey, it’s not that weird for cookies to do weird things when they’re nervous!” Langue assured. “When I was in law school… sometimes I forgot to eat while studying, so to tide myself over I’d chew on the paper in my notebooks.”

Caprese’s mood seemed to lighten as she raised an eyebrow.

“Some of my classmates made fun of me for it!” Langue added with a chuckle. “They said the reason I learned so fast was because I kept eating all the textbooks!”

“Guess I’m not the only weirdo here,” Caprese teased. She paused.
“No sign of Walnut outside, but I did find this.”

She held up a large feather. It was an incredibly deep purple, almost black, with a slight iridescence that shimmered like a dark sky.

“Pretty, but… we still need to find Walnut Cookie.”

“I know,” Caprese muttered, stroking the feather thoughtfully before putting it in her sweatshirt pocket.

Before either of them could come up with a plan to track down the young rogue detective, there was a sudden knock at the door. Langue answered the door to see a delivery cookie on the other side.

“Good evening, sir,” they greeted, with a slight bow and elegance that seemed somewhat mismatched with the occupation. “Is this the residence of Almond and Walnut Cookie?”

“I- yes, it is,” Langue replied. “Did you need to-”

“They aren’t here right now,” Caprese interrupted.

“Unfortunate,” the cookie replied before producing a letter from their coat. “I have a letter for the young detective. It is rather timely, if you could give it to them promptly.”

They took a step through the open door, surprising Langue. Caprese frowned.

“Who even are you?”

“A humble mailcookie, of course!”

“At this time of night?” 

“It is rather late…” Langue noted.

The cookie sighed.

“Very well, if I may-”

They moved further inside as if attempting to set the letter on the kitchen table, but stopped as Caprese’s pushed against them to halt their progress with a cheese hand. Before any cookie could speak, Caprese suddenly pulled her hand back and recoiled in apparent disgust.

“Eugh! Why do you taste like moldy cheese!?”

“Taste?” Langue asked in confusion. 

“Rather rude…” The cookie muttered with a somewhat offended chuckle. “But I suppose that’s the first time a cookie has managed to …taste through one of my disguises.”

There was a sudden puff of turquoise smoke as the disguise faded. The strange visitor was suddenly much more recognizable.

“rr-Roguefort Cookie!?” Langue stuttered. “Why are you here?”

“Oh great, it is moldy cheese,” Caprese muttered as her eyes darted uncomfortably between the guest and the slowly settling cloud of smoke.
“And….. a looooot of mold spores….”

There was a lengthening pause.

“I’m gonna go wash my hands,” Caprese muttered. “And maybe shower.”

“Bit of an odd cookie, that one,” Roguefort noted. “As for why I’m here, I really do have a letter to deliver! A bit of a game for that little detective, but it’s a shame she isn’t here. I suppose the two of you may have to do, though I doubt either of you really have the passion for the craft.”

Caprese returned, her hands still dripping wet. The three cookies exchanged awkward glances.

“Caprese Cookie,” Langue started. “Uh, this is Roguefort Cookie, my first ever client. Roguefort Cookie, this is Caprese Cookie, my newest client.”

“Pleasure…” Roguefort stated, offering a hand to Caprese. She very hesitantly shook their hand with her cookie arm and shuddered. Roguefort laughed.

“Odd manners with this one. Treating me as if I’m some diseased vagrant!”

“I’m pretty sure you’re one of those things…” Langue muttered.

“...mold…” Caprese muttered quietly.

“Shame you two aren’t the cookies I was looking for,” Roguefort mused aloud. “But I really must be going!”

Before either could respond, Bleu had already disappeared out the door.

“The hell was that about?” Caprese muttered. She paused for a moment and stared at her hands, glancing at the kitchen sink before walking over and washing them again.

“What is with you and mold?” Langue asked. “Actually, no, withdraw the question. You can taste cookies? With your hands?”

“I mean… yea? Kinda?” Caprese answered. “It doesn’t really come up in conversation much, and I kind of figured it would creep cookies out if I mentioned it otherwise.”

“Interesting…” Langue muttered. He imagined such an ability could have uses in a flourensic setting, but perhaps not the most convenient for daily life, especially for someone worried about eating their peers.

“Hold on,” he considered aloud. “If you can taste cookies by touching them with those additional arms, why couldn’t you taste when Walnut Cookie escaped?”

Caprese seemed to consider this before walking back to the couch and touching what had been left as a decoy.

“Walnuts don’t really have much of a taste to them,” she said. “It’s more of like, a texture.”

She picked up the teddy bear to examine it while feeling along the couch and other objects.

“The chair, couch, and pillows all basically taste the same. The chair is slightly saltier, but it’s not really enough that I would’ve consciously noticed.”

“I suppose that explains your behavior towards Roguefort Cookie,” Langue thought aloud. “Incredibly rude for a cookie to behave like that, and it quite honestly came off rather flavorist of you, but for someone with such a strong taste-based perception, especially someone unfamiliar with cookie social expectations, it’s a bit more forgivable.”

“I’m made of cheese and they’re made of moldy cheese,” Caprese insisted. “I don’t wanna get infected with mold spores, or whatever.”

“I don’t believe roqueforti spores work like that,” Langue replied. “I don’t think it’s the same kind of mold that can infect cookies.”

“Okay well I literally had no way of knowing that for sure and it’s-” She stopped, apparently losing her train of thought. “Not important right now. We gotta track that kid down.”

Langue picked up the letter from Roguefort.

“This may be our first clue. From what I’ve heard, Walnut has a bit of an obsession with Phantom Bleu.”

“Phantom Bleu?”

“Roguefort Cookie’s alias.”

He opened the letter to read it:

Esteemed Guest:

You are hereby cordially invited to the Savory Chateau for an evening of refreshments and entertainment. Festivities begin at 9:00 this evening. Formal dress is recommended but not required. Be sure to use the main entrance and treat our hostess kindly.

“It seems to be a party invitation of some sorts,” he explained. “But there’s no address.”

Caprese took the letter to read it herself.

“Savory Chateau. Chateau is like another word for mansion, right?”

“It must be another name for the Blue Cheese Manor,” Langue suggested. “But I’ve never heard it referred to by any other title.”

“We could certainly try figuring this out,” Caprese considered. “But if Walnut didn’t even receive this letter, it might not be super useful in tracking her down.”

“Our best bet is probably to start with the same clues that Walnut Cookie would have had,” he agreed. “The noise upstairs, the figure she thought she saw, the feather-“

“You think the feather is related?” Caprese asked, pulling the plume from her pocket again to examine it. “It has a sort of sweet, planty taste to it, like unripe berries.”

“Not to cross examine, and maybe this is a bit irelevant…” Langue started. “But I can’t help but ask. If you can taste cookies and other things just by touching them… what do I taste like?”

He flinched as Caprese put a mozarella hand on his forehead. She kept the hand there an awkward length of time before finally removing it. She frowned and shifted her gaze slightly.

“So?” He asked.

“Sorry,” She muttered. “You taste good… I probably would have eaten you if I was still a human.”

“I’m still waiting for your answer,” Langue pressed, ignoring her last comment as best he could.

“Like… a vaguely citrussy milano cookie.”

“A what?”

“It’s like a sort of biscuit humans make that’s two biscuits stuck together with chocolate.”

“The chocolate runs on my dad’s side of the family,” Langue explained.

Caprese paused to consider something.

“What even is a langue de chat?” She asked.

”It’s French,” he offered.

“Do you even know what that word means?”

“A… language? I think?”

“Chat means cat, I think,” Caprese considered. “…Cat Language?”

“….what?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted.

“I’m gonna leave a note in case Almond Cookie gets back before we do,” he decided. “Then we can take my car to the Blue Cheese Manor if there aren’t any obvious clues on the way.”

Caprese nodded and watched him as he got things ready and left the note. Langue hoped they wouldn’t be gone too long, but tried to tidy the place up before heading outside. Caprese returned to where Walnut had directed her earlier.

“There’s not really anything new here,” she explained. “It looks like Walnut might’ve messed with the plants a little, but there’s nothing to indicate where she might’ve gone.”

Langue looked up. It did seem like there was slight damage to the rain gutter, but no signs that anyone or anything had fallen. Even on the building they had left from, there was no signs of what could have made that loud thudding noise.

“I guess we drive to the manor and look for clues along the way?” he suggested. Caprese nodded

Langue reciprocated the nod and directed her to his car.

“Nice ride,” Caprese noted as she slid her hand along the hood. “Kinda tastes like you, but with a weird marmite aftertaste.”

“Some of the roads near my parents’ place are paved with marmite,” he explained. “The car… tasting like me… is…”

“It’s biscuit and chocolate like you,” she teased. “Shouldn’t really be that much of a surprise.”

“Just don’t take a bite out of it,” he replied. “Would be rather pricey to get it fixed.”

He heard her laugh slightly as the engine started.