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"you're kind of freaking me out, dude," chenle says with that awkward laugh he does, the one that sounds too light for the hour, the one he uses when he doesn't know how else to fill the silence. jisung can hear the sleep in his voice, the confusion, and he gets it- he gets why chenle's freaking out.
he did just call him in the middle of the night, after all.
awkward as always, voice quiet but too fast, jisung had blurted out something about, "i'm going to post something, make sure you watch the video, okay?" and now he's trying to laugh it off like it's normal. like he's not sitting alone in the recording studio, staring at the blinking red light of the camera in front of him.
"don't freak out, it's just- it's a song cover, i guess. i just want to make sure you see it," jisung says, rubbing at the back of his neck. he's smiling but it feels shaky, even to himself.
"what account are you posting it on? yours?" chenle asks, and jisung can hear him fumbling with his phone, maybe checking the time, maybe already regretting answering the call.
"no, uh, the nct one. just... i'll post it tomorrow, okay? make sure you watch it." jisung says again, softer this time, like he's asking for something else entirely.
chenle laughs again, that sleepy, half-genuine sound, and says, "okay, whatever. can i go back to sleep now?" jisung bites back a smile, even though his chest aches a little. "yeah, sorry for waking you."
"i'll call you tomorrow," chenle mumbles, voice fading into something gentle, familiar, and then the line goes quiet. jisung sits there for a moment, phone still in his hand, the quiet pressing in on him. he exhales. it's a stupid idea- he knows that.
it's been eight years. eight years since he first met chenle, since that loud laugh and that sharp confidence had somehow lodged themselves into his life. and in all those years, jisung has carried something small and burning in his chest, something he's never had the courage to say out loud.
three words.
he's rehearsed them before, quietly, in the back of cars, in empty hotel rooms, between tour rehearsals. but every time, the words dissolve before they reach his lips. chenle likes girls, he reminds himself, and it's not even bitterness anymore- just acceptance. just the quiet understanding that some things are meant to stay unsaid.
but tonight feels different. maybe because it's too late, maybe because he's tired of holding it in. sometimes, it's better to say it anyway, even if it's not said directly. even if it's only hidden in a melody.
he hadn't planned this, not really. he'd been lying in bed two nights ago, scrolling through playlists, when sing for you by exo came on. the korean version first- he'd always liked the melody, but he'd never really listened to the lyrics before. this time, he had.
and his stomach had dropped.
so he'd looked up the chinese version, listened again, again, until the words began to mean something else entirely. until they started sounding like his own.
now, after hours of practicing pronunciation, of re-recording verses until his voice cracked, jisung's sitting in front of the camera, his heart thrumming loud enough to drown out everything else.
he looks at the lens, at the tiny red light blinking like it's watching him, and exhales, steadying himself. this is the only way he knows how to say it.
and maybe chenle will never realize what it means. maybe he'll just hear a song. but maybe, just maybe, he'll listen close enough to understand.
so, jisung takes a deep breath, the kind that feels like it might shake something loose inside him. the studio is quiet, too quiet, except for the soft hum of the monitors and the faint buzz of the mic waiting for him to start. he looks up at it for a second, the red light blinking back at him like a heartbeat.
and then he decides to just go for it.
"picking up my guitar, the confession i couldn't make..." he starts, voice low, trembling a little in the first few words. it's not perfect, it never is when he's nervous, but that's fine. it's supposed to sound real.
"and the story that i stubbornly kept from you." he continues, glancing at the camera for a split second, as if chenle might somehow be there on the other side already. he smiles, small and sad, before lowering his gaze again.
"i'll pretend i'm making a song and tell them now, just listen to me, i'll sing for you." the words linger in the air, and he feels them land heavy in his chest. this is it, everything he's never said, hiding behind borrowed lyrics.
"i love you so much, but i can't say i do," jisung sings, the corners of his mouth twitching upward like he's trying not to think about what he's really saying. he can picture chenle hearing this line, maybe laughing it off, maybe thinking it's just a song choice.
"it's weird, my pride won't allow it," he continues, fingers tightening slightly on his knee. he's trying not to think about all the times he's bitten his tongue, all the times the words almost slipped out anyway.
"today, i will be brave and tell you. but listen carefully, i'll sing for you."
his voice cracks a little at the end, and he exhales shakily, almost laughs at himself. he's not used to being this vulnerable- not even when it's just him and the music. but somehow, it feels okay right now. maybe because he knows who it's for.
"the way you cry, the way you smile," jisung continues, and something in his chest aches. he thinks about chenles laugh, the loud one, the one that fills a room before anyone else can even react.
he thinks about the way he goes quiet after a long day, about how his voice softens when he says jisungs name. "i wonder how much that means to me." he swallows, blinking a few times to keep himself steady.
"the words i want to say, the words i forgot," he sings softly, "i'll confess them to you, but just listen to me." and maybe he's not just singing anymore- maybe he's speaking through the music, hoping that somehow, when chenle hears it, he'll understand.
"i'll sing for you, sing for you. just listen to me once and smile. i'll sing for you."
the last line comes out barely above a whisper, fragile and honest. jisung lets it fade into the still air of the studio. he clicks off his phone, takes a breathe, and doesn't move for a long time, just sits there, staring at the wall as his heartbeat slowly calms down.
this was all he could do- all he could give. a confession hidden inside a song. and maybe chenle won't get it. maybe he'll just text him tomorrow with a simple, "nice cover, dude."
but maybe, if jisung's lucky, chenle will listen a little closer. maybe he'll smile the way he does when something actually means something to him, and that'll be enough.
he spends the night editing, hunched over the desk, eyes burning from the light of the screen, the sound of his own voice looping again and again through the headphones. every breath, every note, every tiny imperfection, he fixes them, polishes them, tries to make them say what he can't.
he overlays the backing track with his vocals, layering harmonies so soft they almost sound like a sigh. the lyrics fade in at the bottom of the screen, in korean first, then in chinese- a quiet message only chenle would know how to read both ways.
his hands shake the entire time, hovering over the keyboard like the smallest wrong move might undo him completely.
and when it's done, when the cursor blinks over the upload button, jisung stares at it for a long time. his heart is pounding, throat tight. this is it. no turning back. so he takes one more breath, one that feels too heavy to be simple oxygen, and clicks post.
the video starts to upload, and jisung presses the heel of his hand against his eyes, exhausted and wide awake all at once. the screen flashes successfully posted. and suddenly, it's out there. the song, the confession, everything he never said.
he doesn't even remember falling asleep. but then, morning comes, and the sharp buzz of his phone drags him out of a dreamless half-sleep. his mind's still foggy when he answers, voice rough with sleep.
"hello?"
"uh, hey," chenles voice comes through the speaker, too real, too close. and suddenly, it all comes rushing back- the call last night, the video, the song. jisung sits up too fast, head spinning, phone almost slipping from his hand.
"hey," he says back, trying to sound normal, casual, like his chest isn't about to cave in.
"your, uh... pronunciation's getting really good," chenle says after a beat, and jisung lets out a quiet laugh- because of course that's the first thing chenle notices. not the lyrics. not the meaning. just the pronunciation.
"yeah," jisung says, voice soft, "i practiced a lot." his free hand is fidgeting, thumb tracing the edge of his knee. he's waiting, for something, anything.
the line goes quiet for a moment. jisung can hear chenles breathing, steady but softer than usual. and then-
"thanks for... telling me." it's quiet, careful. and it sounds like chenle had to gather courage just to say that much.
jisung feels something in his chest twist, not painfully, but sharply enough to make him exhale. he laughs, a tiny sound, awkward and a little hollow. "sure," he murmurs, "yeah."
there's another pause, and then chenle says, "uh... i'll see you later, okay?" jisung nods, even though chenle can't see him. "yeah. later." the line clicks off, silence fills the room again.
he sits there for a while, phone still in his hand, the faint echo of chenles voice looping in his mind. thanks for telling me. not rejection, not acceptance. just that- a small, honest acknowledgment that sits somewhere in the middle, warm and heavy.
jisung isn't sure what to do with it. it doesn't feel bad, exactly, but it doesn't feel easy either. he looks at the phone, at the black screen reflecting his tired eyes, and lets out a quiet laugh that doesn't sound quite like one.
maybe that's all it was ever meant to be, a song sent out into the world, a feeling released. maybe that's enough. and even if chenle never says anything more, at least jisung knows he listened. and sometimes, that's all a confession really needs.