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It had happened too fast.
One moment Reid was dealing with the usual chaos of trying to talk down an unsub with a hostage, the next he was being seen to by paramedics who arrived on the scene after the shots were fired.
He knew that he had fired once the hostage was free of danger, but he wasn't sure how he ended up with injuries bad enough to be rushed to the hospital and straight into surgery to remove the bullets.
Afterwards, they did some scans.
Reid's heart sank the moment the doctor held up the x-ray of his thigh, where one of the bullets had ended up.
The bullet had lodged itself in his thigh, and there were cracks spreading out from the impact point.
He let the doctor talk and asked the questions needed though he understood enough.
He needed surgery on the same thigh that had him out for months years previous.
Because he already had a rough recovery from that gunshot wound, this time would probably be worse.
And of course, more surgeries to add to the scars he already had.
Reid made sure he understood the risks and benefits of the surgeries that would be needed- not just for his femur as it turned out, but for some of his other wounds- and signed off on the surgery.
They got him in immediately because those sorts of injuries were best off to be taken care of as soon as possible.
He spent some time awake between the surgeries they couldn't do at the same time as others and then he was back under.
Finally he was done with the surgeries and put into a room for monitoring, where he managed a light meal before deciding to get some sleep.
The pain wasn't as bad as it could have been, at least, though it was still painful. They still wanted him on narcotics, but Spencer refused. He had learned to manage his pain.
When he woke up the next morning after restless sleep for most of the night he found that he had company.
He wasn't sure he wanted any of his team there. He hated the scars he had. Most of them could be hidden.
More than that, he wasn't looking forward to recovery. His thigh did end up being one of the worst because femurs were incredibly difficult to heal and came with a much longer recovery time than most broken bones did.
"Hey, kid," Derek greeted him.
Spencer sighed. "You're never going to stop calling me that, are you?"
"Never. You still look like the youngest member of the team alongside JJ."
Spencer groaned. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I've been waiting since you were brought to the hospital to see you. The others waited too but it was mostly me. You had a lot of surgery."
"...yeah. Yeah I did. The bullets did some damage that needed to be fixed after they were removed. Unsub?"
"Dead. Hostage is safe."
Spencer relaxed. He didn't like it when he killed an unsub but at least the hostage made it out without injury.
"You timed that perfectly. Did you have to go in alone?"
Spencer almost responded but took a moment to take in Derek and how he was acting. He was glad he did. It was clear that Derek was just worried about him and understood that it was the best option, but still wanted to hear it from Spencer.
He probably wouldn't have picked up on that years previous.
"I didn't know where JJ went once we arrived and got separated, and once the unsub had sight of me and had his hostage, there wasn't much choice but to attempt to negotiate with him. Couldn't call for back up since I couldn't tell how he'd react if I moved let alone did something unexpected like that."
"He could have felt cornered knowing that back up was coming and taking a more extreme path."
"Precisely. I don't really remember what happened once the unsub pushed the hostage aside to shoot at me, I know I got one shot off but that's about it. Everything hurt and then I was being rushed to the hospital."
"JJ arrived just before that and saw it all. He shot at you five times, but only four bullets landed."
"Only one hit my vest, he must not have been aiming very well."
"On the other hand you only needed the one shot... feeling okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. You know, pain but I'm used to pain."
"Hmm. I think there's something else bothering you but I'll leave that alone until we're home."
Spencer groaned at the thought of going home.
"That good?"
"My femur was broken and fractured," Spencer explained. "It required some wire and pins to keep it in place. It's going to be months of recovery."
"Which means you need a place to stay. If you don't want to stay with Rossi, you can stay with me."
"I wouldn't want to put you out..."
"Kid. Really? All these years and you still haven't figured out you can rely on us outside of work?"
Spencer shrugged. He knew theoretically he could rely on them. But... he didn't like relying on them. After only having himself for years of his life, Gideon teaching him and then leaving, and now all the scars to be ashamed of on top of the drug addiction he still was tempted by even years after getting clean...
"Your mind is thinking but you're not ready to talk about it, are you?"
"...I don't know if I ever will be."
"Alright. But you know none of us will ever judge you."
"...I know."
"Is this about the fact that the rest of us hardly ever get so injured?"
"...partially." Spencer decided he had to give Derek something or he would never leave it alone.
He wasn't even entirely wrong. It did bother Spencer that sometimes it felt like he was always taking time off because he was injured. Sometimes it was only a few days, sometimes it was months out of the field. The others didn't usually need that.
Sure they'd get time off if they were facing something like being kidnapped but they never seemed to get the same sort of injuries as Spencer did, or at least not at the same rate. It did happen from time to time.
"It's not your fault. We don't think less of you for it."
"...I know."
"Still bothers you, huh?"
"I'm basically out on account of things like broken bones. I think Hotch has been out almost as much as me, and that's mostly due to the stabbing."
"You do get the short end of the stick. But that's okay. Most of these cases we couldn't solve without your brain."
Spencer shrugged.
Derek huffed. "Please tell me you're not still feeling like you're not good enough because you can't keep up physically? You're way better than you used to be- you took down the unsub in one shot. Could never have expected that of you five years ago. You keep up in training, and you do a great job when it comes to handling people now."
"I still fumble."
"Yeah we all do. I'm not always great at the theory stuff, which means that there are some people I just can't talk to. My specialties are different from yours which is why we're a team and we work well together, and because we work together so much, we try to be family outside of the job, as much as we need it."
Spencer was ready to refute what Derek said, but something else side tracked him.
"...family?"
"Yeah, come on, you think I don't consider you my little brother at this point? My mom has outright told me to invite you to Christmas if you don't have any plans. You always seem to have something so I haven't bothered but I would invite you."
"...oh." Put like that, some of the talks he had with others made a lot more sense. "Why didn't anyone say so?"
Derek gave him a disbelieving look that disappeared as he sighed.
"I suppose we could have said something, but you know these things aren't really things we're comfortable talking about aloud, because most of us don't need to voice that we consider each other that close, not when we're inviting each other to birthdays and weddings, often putting the team in prominent roles rather than letting us just be coworkers."
"I... I suppose I just am not used to having people have my back," Spencer said quietly. "I never considered that was what was going on."
"Alright. Will you let us help you this time?"
"...I guess... Not like I can do much on my own. Learned that the hard way last time."
"Last time?" Derek's brow furrowed. He glanced at Spencer's propped up leg and his expression cleared. "Ah, that's the same leg, isn't it?"
Spencer nodded. "They're not sure if the scar tissue will affect anything but I was already going to have to do physical therapy for this anyway so it's just another thing to worry about."
"Alright. More scars, huh?"
Spencer sighed, looking down at his hands.
"Ah-ha. You don't like having the scars."
"...sometimes working with a bunch of profilers sucks," Spencer muttered.
Derek laughed. "It's not just that, I also know you and therefore, I'm better at reading you even when I'm not trying to."
"Just... don't tell me all the usual things people say about scars. I just don't like the reminders of what I went through, especially when I'm probably going to be ending up with several more, thanks to the recent wounds."
Derek nodded. "It's good to think positively of the scars since we have to live with them and we'll not get too far if we don't learn to at least accept them."
"I know. I still don't have to like them or want them to be visible."
"Of course not. But you know we'll never think any worse of you."
"I know... That doesn't make it easier... the easiest thing is to do it on my own, though it's not a good idea."
"At least you're aware."
"...Thanks, Derek."
"You're welcome. I'm not going to leave unless someone else is sitting with you."
"You don't have to."
"I know. But I do want to. We're not going to convince you if we can't prove that you won't be alone."
"Okay. I guess I can live with that."
"Just wait until Garcia gets here."
"...she's on her way, isn't she?"
"You know it. Nothing can keep her away when one of us is hurt."
Spencer huffed, smiling fondly. "Yeah, you're right. I'll just... learn to get used to it. Not being alone is still.. strange."
"Of course."
Spencer was grateful that Derek wasn't him and therefore didn't go into all the reasons that it made sense that he still had trouble getting used to the fact that he was no longer alone, that he didn't have to suffer.