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She always tied the ropes just a little too tightly. It wasn’t enough to be a safety risk. Never enough to completely cut off blood circulation. But it was certainly uncomfortable.
Sodachi considered asking Marie to tie the knots less tightly. She considered that every time. But every time Sodachi brought up an issue with her, Marie always turned it against her. Marie was the more experienced of the two. She knew what she was doing, and Sodachi didn’t, so Sodachi shouldn’t be trying to take charge.
In the end, every time, Sodachi would give up. Marie was right. She was more experienced and had a better idea of what she was doing. Despite how tightly Marie was tying Sodachi, she still hadn’t gotten hurt. Just a little numb, at worst. It was fine. Marie was right.
That didn’t mean Sodachi wasn’t still scared.
And those were only her concerns around being tied up.
The worst parts were once she was secured in place.
Once Marie could do anything to Sodachi without recourse.
Marie wasn’t relentless. She had her own rules that she would play by. It made her easier to predict. She wouldn’t hurt Sodachi anywhere that would be easily visible. No wounds that could leave lasting damage. And most importantly, nothing that would make a mess.
Bruises, though? Those were fine.
Marie loved bruising Sodachi. Sodachi didn’t feel so positively about it.
But she didn’t want to turn Marie down. If Marie enjoyed it, then Sodachi had to give a little. Their relationship was a two way street, or so Marie kept saying. Sodachi didn’t want to be selfish. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Marie.
But thankfully, at least, tonight Marie wasn’t starting with anything painful. Nothing physical.
Just the opposite.
No fists. Instead, Marie ran her hands across Sodachi’s body. It evoked a shudder for as much as Sodachi could move. It was a nice feeling. Too nice. It was overwhelming. If Sodachi could move, she would be writhing in place. In that sense, being restrained was almost a blessing.
Almost.
Marie never went too far. She understood Sodachi’s body well. It was possible she understood it better than Sodachi herself did. Because of that, she always knew when to stop. It was always at the worst moment. That was more torturous than any pain might have been.
She inhaled sharply through her teeth, a hissing sound coming forth. Her eyes were squeezed shut, but she was hoping that Marie was having fun, at least. One of them deserved to. If it couldn’t be Sodachi, it would have to be Marie.
At this point, after so long for this to become routine, Sodachi knew that she would never get anything nice out of this. That meant that she had to enjoy Marie’s enjoyment secondhand.
It was hard. She did her best, but it was hard.
What did Marie get out of this? Sodachi wondered that sometimes. She was wondering that now. Was it just the satisfaction of hurting someone? Or was it more specific to Sodachi? Was this Marie’s love? Marie never hesitated to tell Sodachi that she loved her. It didn’t feel like a normal kind of love, but then, what did Sodachi know of love? She was a broken person. Both she and Marie would agree with that. Broken by trauma, unable to understand real love. Had Sodachi loved her mom? Had she ever loved anyone?
She was crying. That always happened when Marie tied her up, but Sodachi was surprised at how fast it had happened this time. Things hadn’t even gotten physical yet.
“Can we please stop? I don’t think I can do this right now.”
Sodachi wished she could wipe away her tears. But at the same time, she preferred not being able to see whatever expression Marie was making in response. She knew it wouldn’t be good. She shouldn’t have said that. She was being selfish. Always so selfish.
“If you really want.” Marie let out a sigh which was equal parts frustrated and disappointed. “I don’t know why I bothered with all this, if that’s the case.”
That hurt Sodachi more than any slap or punch might have, So, meekly, she spoke again. “It’s fine… We can keep going.”
“No, no. If you want to stop, we’re supposed to stop.” There was a hint of a snarl on the edges of Marie’s voice now. “You don’t want to keep going, so what’s the point?”
What was Sodachi supposed to do now? Continue being selfish? Or swallow her feelings and let Marie do what she wanted?
“No, I want to keep going. I’m sorry.”
“You want to keep going? That’s good. I’m glad.” Now there was a warmth in Marie’s voice. It was almost enough to convince her that asking to continue would be good for her.
That was a feeling that would very quickly pass.