Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Today marks the beginning of a new competition season, hosted by Fan. I doubt I’ll be taking part this time. In the past, I was rather insufferable—petty, and far too proud for my own good. But I’d like to think I’ve changed since then. A little bit, anyway. However, I was never like that with my dear Candle. Oh, how I cherish her. She is the main reason I’m still here today, as she is the only person who tolerates me and… maybe even loves me? I'm still trying to figure that part out. I admit I depend on her in a way that isn’t healthy, but I can’t imagine what I would do if she hated me.

However, in about 5 minutes, everyone has to meet in the hotel lobby for this competition. Basically, Fan wants everyone there so he knows who will be participating. I hope Candle won’t.

“Alright, everyone! Who’s excited for Season four of Inanimate Insanitaaaayyyyy!” Fan exclaims, and the majority of people cheer. Dear me, they can be so extra at times. “Okay, raise your hand if you’re joining in the competition!” Test Tube says, holding a clipboard with some paper on it and a pen. Thirteen people raised their hands, including Candle. Well, let’s hope they have fun—wait. Candle?!

“Uh… Candle? You’re joining too?” I stammer, trying to hide my growing anxiety. Why am I feeling this way? “Yes? Is that a problem?” she replies, raising an eyebrow.

“Well—uhm—no! Of course not, my dear! It’s just…we promised to never be away from each other, remember?…” I say, with a forced smile to mask how I’m truly feeling. Candle seems rather…unfazed. “Okay…then why don’t you join?“

“I… don’t really want to. I don’t want to treat people the way I did last season, and honestly, it was just exhausting overall.” I mumble, already aware that she will join the competition anyway. It makes sense for her to do so; she shouldn’t have to listen to me. But this selfish part of me, which I’m trying to let go of, wants—no, needs her to stay with me.

"Okay... then just stay here. I’m not going to sit around all day just so you can be satisfied while everyone else is outside having fun," she says, starting to get annoyed. I can hear it in her voice, and she has every right to be frustrated. My brain knows this, but my heart feels completely different. A tiny whimper escapes my lips as I gently grab her hand and pull her aside.

"Candle, please... I—I need you! You’re the only person—the only reason I haven’t lost my mind yet. Don’t leave me, please. Just stay here with me!" I plead, not even realizing how selfish I sound right now. She immediately lets go of my hand and scrunches up her face.

“You’re seriously pathetic. Do you even hear yourself right now?” she snaps, her voice sharp. “Why are you so damn dependent on me? I’m not your therapist, and I’m sure as hell not your babysitter. I’m going to join this competition, I’m gonna have fun. You can sit here and mope if that’s what you want.”

She lets out a shaky laugh, more out of frustration than humor. “I’m tired, okay? Tired of dealing with your clingy, selfish crap. Every time I try to do anything, you’re right there—‘Candle, wait! Don’t leave me! Let me come with you!’” She throws her hands up. “I can’t keep doing this. I’m done. Take this as a reality check, because I’m not sticking around to repeat it.”

She turns and walks away before I can say a word, leaving me standing there, completely still. I’ve never seen her this angry before, and knowing that I'm the cause of it truly breaks my heart. I feel my eyes sting and my hands shake as I watch her walk off. God dammit, I can’t let anyone see me like this. I think to myself, and start to walk away, my head hanging low so nobody notices my watering eyes. Just then, Fan calls my name.

“Hey, Silver! Come back here; I’m not done discussing everything.” I stop in my tracks and let out a groan. Wiping my eyes, I walk back toward the voice. As I do, I start to zone out, tuning out the noise around me and fixating on what Candle said. Whatever we had is over. In fact, it might have been over for a while, and I was just lost in a fantasy.

After Fan was done discussing everything, we were told to go back to our rooms. Since thirteen people were going to participate, OJ was going to have to re-arrange some roommates. Everyone, including me, went back to our rooms. Some people still had their roommates, and some didn’t, like me.

Chapter Text

I go back to my room and shut the door, not even bothering to turn on the lights. Sitting down on the floor, head against the bed, I start crying uncontrollably, grabbing a pillow to muffle my sobs. My body begins to tremble as I hit my head with my fist and claw at my skin. She doesn’t love me. I mean, of course she doesn’t. I’m insanely clingy, annoying, selfish at times, and dependent. God, I wish I could be different. I wish I could be a person she could love.

My chest rises and falls as I slowly glance at the scissors on my nightstand—the same ones I used earlier to cut a tag from a piece of clothing. Everything feels frozen in that moment. “Don’t… don’t do it, Silver,” I whisper to myself, my voice breaking, but my gaze won’t move. My legs feel heavy as I stand, drawn toward the nightstand. I let my fingers brush against the cool metal, and my hands start to tremble. My heart aches, and there are still tears going down my cheeks. Unfortunately, I can’t stop myself.

My hands tremble as I reach for the buttons of my pants, tears blurring my vision while I fumble with the zipper. I sit down on my bed, and gently press the blade on my thigh. Just as I’m about to drag it, I hear a knock on my door. I immediately flinch and pull up my pants, hiding my scissors. Wiping my eyes, I go to the door. “Who is it?” I ask, hoping my voice isn’t too horse.

“It’s Paintbrush. Unfortunately,” They say. Paintbrush? What are they doing here? They're the last person I would expect to see at my door. My eyebrows furrow in confusion as I open the door. “What do you want?” I ask. They look me up and down, barely containing a laugh. “Dude, you look like a mess right now.” My eye twitches. “Thanks. A lot. Now, what do you need?”

“OJ wanted me to come get you because dinner is ready,” They reply, glancing down at my still unbuttoned pants. They snicker under their breath. “Uhm…did I interrupt something?”

“What? No! I was NOT doing whatever your filthy little mind is thinking!” I say defensively, feeling my cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Okay, okay, I was just messing with you,” they say with a light chuckle, their finger taps against the doorframe. “But come on—OJ’s waiting for you for some reason. I mean, I already ate. I’m not waiting for anybody.”

“Oh, uh… I’m not really hungry right now,” I say, trying to sound casual, though my voice comes out softer than I mean it to.

Paintbrush pauses for a second, like they’re about to say something else, then just shrugs. “Suit yourself,” they mutter before turning away and heading down the hall.

I close the door and let out a long sigh. Not of relief, but defeat. Was I really about to relapse over something that small? No… not small. Not to me. But I know how people would see it. They’d probably laugh, or worse, judge me for caring this much.

I zip up my pants and sit on the edge of the bed for a moment before lying back. My body feels heavy, like even breathing takes effort. I know I’m hungry — I just don’t have the energy to eat.

Chapter Text

It’s been a day since the new competition started, and I still haven’t lifted a finger. Last night, the hunger clawed at my stomach, but I just… couldn’t bring myself to eat. I sat alone in my room, swallowed by the silence, until the pressure behind my eyes finally broke. I cried—soft at first, then harder, until the exhaustion dragged me into sleep.

When Candle was still here, things were different. The room didn’t feel this cold. We used to stay up late watching movies and sharing greasy bags of popcorn, singing karaoke until our voices cracked and the others banged on the door to shut us up. We laughed so much it hurt. Everything felt warm. Alive.

That’s why it still doesn’t make sense. The way she exploded at me…those harsh words felt like they came from a stranger, not Candle. She would never have said something like that. Not to me. I mean, she cursed. Candle of all people. It’s so unlike her that I keep wondering if I really made her that angry… or if she finally got tired of me. Maybe both. I don’t know. I should just stop thinking about it. Seriously. I need to get over it.

I keep telling myself to get up. To do something—anything. But I’m still here, buried under my blankets. I haven’t brushed my teeth, washed my face, showered, nothing. All this over one stupid argument. One moment. And yet, it feels like my whole world tipped over.

“Silver! Are you sleeping in there?” a voice called from the other side of my door.

I blinked slowly. Clover? We’ve talked a handful of times, just casual stuff here and there, but we’re not exactly visiting-each-other’s-rooms close. So why was she here?

I let out a muffled groan into my pillow. I could stay silent and pretend to be asleep… or I could be honest and deal with whatever this is.

“No… I’m not asleep, Clover,” I muttered, sounding about as lively as a dying plant. There was a light tapping on the door followed by her cheerful singsong voice, “Can I come innnn?” I stared at the ceiling for a long second before sighing like the world’s most exhausted Victorian widow.

“Well… It’s not exactly clean in here, and it definitely doesn’t smell like lavender or whatever, but… yes. You can come in. I suppose.”

The door creaks open, and Clover steps inside. The playful smile she came in with falls the second her eyes land on me. I mean, I don’t blame her. My hair is a mess, my eyes are puffy and red, and there’s dried drool at the corner of my mouth. I probably look like I’ve been dragged through a storm and then left there.

She steps closer, concern melting into her expression. “Silver?… what happened? Why do you look like… this?” I force a weak laugh, though it comes out more like a broken sigh. “Wow. Thanks. Really boosting my confidence here.” Clover’s eyes widen. “No—I didn’t mean it like that! You just… you look really upset.”

I shrug, tugging the blanket tighter around me like it’s some kind of emotional shield. “Sorry, I’m fine. Just having a minor breakdown.” Her eyes soften even more. She sits down on the edge of my bed, not too close, but close enough. “Silver… you don’t seem ‘fine.’”

“Well…uhm,” I mutter, taking a deep breath. “I just… Candle yelled at me. She—she swore at me. And now I feel like my insides are melting.” Clover blinks. “Candle? Swore? At you?”

“Right?” I say, gesturing weakly with a dramatic sniff. “I thought I was hallucinating. Maybe I still am. Who knows.”

There’s a pause. Then Clover lets out a soft sigh. “Silver, you need to get up. At least brush your hair, wipe the drool off of your mouth, and come eat breakfast.”

I look away whenever she brings up breakfast. “I’m not hungry,” I say, still avoiding eye contact like a guilty dog. She leans closer to examine my face. “Really? And you didn’t eat dinner last night either. Are you being honest? Because dinner is your favorite meal.”

I fidget with the end of my sleeve, eyes fixed on the floor. “Yes, I’m sure. Just… can you leave me alone for a second?” I mumble, barely above a whisper. Clover doesn’t move. She just watches me for a moment, head tilted, and then, to my horror, a mischievous smile creeps across her face.

Without a word, she stands, marches over to the window, and with the confidence of someone who’s clearly never known despair, she rips open the curtains and blinds.

“Clover—!” I squint, throwing my arms over my face like some kind of offended vampire. “Heavens me, Clover! You can’t just—just do that without warning!”

“Come on! You need sunlight! Vitamin D! Life force!” she chirps, grabbing my hand. Before I can protest, she yanks me out of bed. My legs wobble like they’ve forgotten how bones work. “I was perfectly fine in my bed, thank you very much,” I grumble, still shielding my eyes from the offensive daylight.

Clover then pushes me in the bathroom, with a soft smile. “Get ready for the day, okay? I don’t want you falling into a depressive episode from being in this dark room doing nothing.” I groan, dragging myself to the doorframe for support. “Dear me, okay. Fine. Just… go. Please.”

Clover gives me a small nod and a reassuring smile before slipping out of the room. The moment the door clicks shut, I release a long, shaky sigh.

I catch my reflection in the mirror. Wonderful. Tear-streaked cheeks, puffy eyes, hair sticking out in ten different directions…I look like I lost a fight with both my emotions and a tornado. Paintbrush was right, I’m a mess.

After finally getting the motivation to do my self care, I wander back into my room and glance out the window. Outside, on the competition grounds, I spot Candle with the new contestants, all of them busy with some challenge. She’s laughing, genuinely laughing. And she looks… okay. Happy, even.

Something inside me eases, just a little.

I still care about her. Maybe more than I should. And even if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, at least she’s smiling.