Archive of Our Own ^beta

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— The enemy team has freed the Punisher and is coming to destroy the towers — 

Ana: ¡We must retreat!, ¡Our team is weak, we won't be able to do anything-...! 

Kael'thas: — Throwing money —

Ana: Honey, ¿what are you doing? 

Kael'thas: Throwing money at the problem. 

Ana: Okay, money isn't the solution to every problem... 

— The bills and coins cause the punisher to slip, fall, and kill himself —

Ana: What...? 

Kael'thas: It is if you have enough✨

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Anduin: ¡Sonya!, ¿¡Did you bring the cavalry?!

Sonya: Princess, I AM the cavalry...

— He pushes him aside and we see Sonya slaughtering the opposing team —

Anduin: D-damn, little lady... 

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— Genji was training with his team when an archer appeared on the field —

Whitemane: — She sees Hanzo in the distance — ¿Who is that?, ¿What is he doing here?

Genji: Oh, he's my brother. I didn't think... he would come. 

Whitemane: — He walks toward the archer — Listen, even if you are family, you shouldn't interrupt our training like that.

Hanzo: — He bows politely as a form of apology — It was an emergency of redemption, moushiwake arimasen... — Tremendous Japanese male accent —

Whitemane: You-... — Attraction pheromones activated — Uh... 

Whitemane: — She surreptitiously hands him a piece of paper —... This is my phone number and home address, enter through the back... ✨

Hanzo: ¿Nani?...

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Kael'thas: Come on me, if you want to live... 

Leoric: — On the floor — Don't you mean “come with me”?

Kael'thas: Oh, ¿why?, ¿What did I say?

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— Our team is preparing to attack —

Fénix: ¿Do we have a plan yet? 

Anduin: ¡The plan is to advance, destroy the towers, and win once and for all! ✨

Tyrael: …

Alarak: So there is no plan.

Anduin: It's complicated, ¿okay?... 

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— Nova shot Imperius —

Kerrigan: ¿What are you doing?, ¡He's on our team! — She grabs her by both arms, stopping her —

Imperius: — Bleeding on the ground — I refuse to fight... with women on my team!

Kerrigan: ... 

Kerrigan: Move, it's my turn... 💢

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— Ana arrives as the final boss —

Varian: ¡This is easy! 

Imperius: ¡I look forward to humiliating and defeatin-...! 

— A gunshot is heard —

Arthas: ¿What was that...? — The bullet hits him and he falls asleep —

Ragnaros: ¿¡Does the human know emerald sleep spells?! 

Imperius: ¡Come out of your hiding place, coward! ¡Come and fight like a true warrior would! 

 — More shots are heard —

Varian: I can't see anything... — He is also put to sleep —

Ragnaros: ¡Damned spawn...! — Asleep —

Imperius: ... ¡STOP ATTACKING FROM AFAR AND COME FIGHT LIKE A MAN, DAMN YOU! 

— A dart enters through an opening in his armor —

Imperius: How I hate you... Nephalem... — Faints — 

Ana: — He was shooting darts randomly —... Wow, and I thought I was rusty, haha ✨

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— In the midst of battle —

Thrall: ¡We're outnumbered! 

Li-Ming: ¡Probius, come here! 

Probius: — Probe sounds —

Li-Ming: ¡Tell them no!, ¡Let them come!, ¡They'll kill us! ¡It's the only way out!, ¡Spread the word!

— Then Probius would go with the rest of the team to warn them —

Probius: — He gets the others' attention and proceeds to make little sounds that only the protoss understand —

Sonya: I don't know what he said, but he's lying. 

Alarak: — Stepping in between them — ¡He says we shouldn't go, that we should let them be killed!, ¡there's no other choice, spread the word!

Valla: ... ¿Are you sure?

Tassadar: Human, let them do it ✨

Varian: Yes, there is no greater sacrifice than one made by another for others ✨

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— In the midst of battle —

Mephisto: — Accidentally saves Anduin from an attack —

Anduin: A-ah, thank you, sir...

Mephisto: You're welcome, minion ✨

Anduin: You really are an angel...

— Then, a light would fall upon the demon, lifting him up and carrying him away to heaven —

Mephisto: ¡NO!, ¡PUT ME DOWN!, ¡THIS IS A MISTAKE! 

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— Fénix is working in a bank for humans, until a robbery occurs —

Gazlowe: ¡Hands where I can see them!, ¡You, yellow machine!, ¡Tell me where the safe is!

Fénix: Well, I-... 

Ana: Honey, ¿what are you doing?, This is a bank. You have to rob him. 

Fénix: Ah... But...

Ana: Legally. 

Fénix: Oh, okay... 

Fénix: — Taking out his missiles — ¡Put your mortgage in the bag! 

Gazlowe: ¡No, please!, ¡I have a family! 

Fénix: Good to know. I'll go after them... 

Fénix: — Pointing his laser beam at his head — I like your watch... 

Gazlowe: ¡No, please!, ¡It belonged to my grandfather! 

Fénix: ¡¿Are you trying to test me?!, ¡I'll make your credit rating drop so low that they won't even lend you books at the library! 

Ana: — To the manager — Promote him.

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— Teams have big revelations —

Alarak: Let's see... You're a king, a very important human, ¿and you never told us?

Varian: I'm the same as always.

Illidan: But with power ✨

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Zagara: Ah, ¿And who is that handsome fellow, my queen? 

Kerrigan: ¿“Handsome” that thing? 

Anub'arak: — Secreting eggs and roaches —

Zagara: I like him... ¡Hey, handsome! 

Anub'arak: — Does nothing —

Zagara: ¡Handsome, so handsome! 

Anub'arak: — Still doing nothing —

Zagara: — Finally approaches — Hey, handsome, ¿why are you ignoring me? 

Anub'arak: ¿Huh?, I'm not an attractive individual. I thought you were talking to someone else. 

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Ana: (62 years old) ¿Are you over 200 years old?

Artanis: (+250 years old) Yes, and believe it or not, I'm still very young. 

Tyrande: (+10,000 years old) I can confirm that. You guys are like babies to me.

Alexstrasza: (+200 million years old) And you're like a little girl. 

Auriel: (+500 eons old) Silence, little cells...

Ana: — Die young —

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Maiev: You're too soft to be a yakuza. 

Hanzo: Excuse me, but I'm not soft, I'm a ruthless killer...

Tracer: — He seems very happy — ¡Hanzo, Hanzo~!, ¡I made you another coral necklace! — She puts it on him before he can say anything —

Tracer: — To Maiev — He loses them, it's cute ^^

Hanzo: ... 

Maiev: Yes, how scary.

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— Artanis, Tassadar, Zeratul, and Alarak prepare to fight the enemy team —

Alarak: We can take them on, it's three against three.

Artanis: Actually, Alarak, there are four of us. 

Alarak: Oh, sorry, I didn't consider you, since you don't have any powers.

Artanis: ¡But I know how to fight! 

Alarak: Okay, three against three, plus Artanis. 

Artanis: … 💢

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— Artanis, Tassadar, Zeratul, and Alarak prepare to fight the enemy team —

Alarak: We can take them on, it's three against three.

Artanis: Actually, Alarak, there are four of us. 

Alarak: Oh, sorry, I didn't consider you, since you don't have any powers.

Artanis: ¡But I know how to fight! 

Alarak: Okay, three against three, plus Artanis. 

Artanis: … 💢

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Varian: Leadership, the only multi-class hero. 

Maiev: Strategy, the only melee hero with crowd control. 

Fénix: Motivation, the only hero with extremely high armor. 

Deathwing: Strength, the only hero with permanent unstoppability. 

Auriel: Faith, the only healer capable of resurrecting allies. 

Mephisto: Power, the only hero with the ability to bypass timing. 

Hanzo: Intelligence, the only marksman specializing in close quarters. 

Ana: The only human capable of stopping them. 

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Ana: I'm usually a hundred times more careful.

Ana: When I cook for others, I give them fresh meat and vegetables for a balanced diet... 

Ana: And whatever's about to go bad, I give to you.

Abathur: — Eating heartily — 

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— Imperius was crushed by Deathwing —

Fénix: ¿Are you okay?

Imperius: Yes, look how I'm bleeding with joy, you idiot.

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Alexstrasza: ¿Where is Chromie?

Varian: She's small, she must be under something.

Chromie: — Emerges from under a table — ¿¡HOW DARE YOU?! 

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Ana: — Watering a potted plant — You know, Hanzo, I find it very strange that it doesn't change appearance despite the weather. 

Hanzo: That's because it's a plastic plant. 

Ana: ... 

Ana: You watched me water a plastic plant for six months ¿¡AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS!?

Hanzo: You never asked...

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— Some characters as students handing in homework —

D.Va: Teacher, here's my art homework. 

Ana: Okay, but the drawing on the cover didn't need kawaii eyes. 

D.Va: ¿Why not?, It's cute. 

Ana: Yes, but the assignment is about the Holocaust. 

Hanzo: Here's mine... 

Ana: Shimada, there's nothing here. 

Hanzo: It represents the emptiness inside me... 

Ana: Failed. 

Ana: Young man, take that off the board. 

Junkrat: — Sticking a banana with tape — ¡This is art!, ¡APPRECIATE IT! 

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— When there are dirty dishes —

Alarak: He washes them, but complains while doing so.

Alexstrasza: Washes them because she knows no one else will. 

D.Va: Washes them, but makes a mess with the soap. 

Imperius: Sends his brothers to wash the dishes for him. 

Genji: Washes them at lightning speed so he can eat in peace. 

Mephisto: Prefers not to eat until someone else washes the dishes.

Fénix: Break the dishes when washing them with a pressure jet.

Diablo: He eats directly from the pot and doesn't wash it until the following week.

Malthael: He goes to another state to find a clean plate so he can eat.

Maiev: She hunts and eats directly from the animal. 

Raynor: He buys disposable plates.

Nova: Goes to eat at a fast food restaurant.

Abathur: Literally washes the dishes with his slime. 

Xul: Has ghouls that wash the dishes for him. 

Varian & Anduin: They're royalty, they have servants. 

Tychus: Orders pizza. 

Tassadar: Uses his magic to wash the dishes telepathically. 

Deathwing: Doesn't eat off plates. 

Li-Ming: Washes them, but leaves them half done.

Kael'thas: Would rather starve than wash a plate (has servants who wash for him). 

Tyrande: Goes to a restaurant to eat with her husband. 

Stukov: It feeds on cigarettes and canned food.

Valla: Only washes the plate she's going to need. 

Kerrigan: Uses zergs to eat the leftovers from the plates. 

Gazlowe: Has a machine that washes the dishes. 

Leoric: He doesn't do it because he doesn't need (can't) eat.

Dehaka: He doesn't know what dishes are.

Whitemane: Buys new dishes. 

Sylvannas: Doesn't even look at the dishes. 

Chen: Only washes the glasses, for obvious reasons.

Kel'tuzad: Washes the dishes but ignores the pots. 

Chromi, Probius & Murky: Can't reach the dishwasher. 

Ana: Washes them so everyone can eat.

Garrosh: Eats off dirty plates. 

Illidan: Pays someone else to wash them for him. 

Sonya: Eats fruit so she doesn't have to wash dishes.

Hanzo: Washes dishes like a normal person. 

Junkrat: Steals some plates.

Jaina & Arthas: Create plates out of ice. 

Anub'arak: Eats off dog plates.

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— They are locked out of their house because they forgot their keys —

Alexstrasza & Ana: They have a key hidden under the rug.

Maiev & Zeratul: They teleport inside and look for the key. 

Imperius & Diablo: They break down the door. 

Chromie & Tracer: They go back in time to grab the key before leaving. 

Tassadar & Mephisto: They make the key appear in their hands with their powers. 

Jaina & Auriel: They have the key as a necklace. 

Kael'thas & Varian: They buy another house. 

Illidan & Fénix: They make a hole in the wall to get in. 

Valla & Genji: They enter through the window using parkour and take the key. 

Abathur: He climbs through the window, grabs the key, climbs back out the window, and opens the door with the key.

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Hanzo: When I was your age...

Genji: You're only three years older than me, aniki.

Hanzo: I don't care, when I was your age... 

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Ana: Good morning, sweetheart.

Abathur: Good morning... Earth.

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Yrel: ¿Why does it smell like alcohol?

Chen: ¿What are you, a cop? 

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— Imperius and Alarak are drunk —

Imperius: Say tomato... 

Alarak: Potato.

Imperius: Your sister makes beetroot lemonade. 

— They both laugh like retards —

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Sylvannas: ¿Would anyone like to make a proposal?

Anub'arak: ¡Me! — He stands up —

Anub'arak: — He takes out a ring — ¡Zagara!, ¡¿Will you marry me?!

Sylvannas: ¡That's not the kind of proposal I'm talking about!

— Later, Sylvannas had the honor of organizing the wedding —

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Ana: Okay, guys, I want you to show me how you would defend yourselves against a thief. ¡Give me all your money! 

Varian, Tyrael & Fénix: It's unbelievable that you think I'll let you rob me.

Deathwing, Imperius & Tassadar: It's unbelievable that you think you can rob me.

Illidan, Mephisto & Raynor: It's unbelievable that you think I have any money. 

Stukov, Maltael & Hanzo: It's unbelievable that you think I want to live. 

Ana: ¿Guys, are you okay...? 

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Leoric: ¿Do you believe there is life after death?

Yrel: Sir, you are dead.

Leoric: Oh, yes, that's right...

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— Gazlowe appears running from something —

Gazlowe: ¡Catch, human! — He throws something —

Junkrat: — He catches it — ¿A wallet?, ¡Hey!, ¡¿Who are you and why are you giving me this?

Gazlowe: ¡Just stay there and wait for him to arrive! — He hides behind a bush —

Junkrat: ¿“Him arrive"?, ¡¿Who's coming?!

— Tychus appears in a frenzied state —

Tychus: ¡GIVE ME MY WALLET, YOU BASTARD! — He lunges at him —

Junkrat: Don't fu—... ¡HELP!

— After a tremendous beating, Junkrat is being taken away in an ambulance —

Nova: ¿What do you have to say about this?

Tychus: I got my wallet back ✨

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Stukov: Before we begin the meeting, I would like to thank young Genji for giving me $5.

Zarya: — Turning to Genji — Why did you give him $5?

Genji: I saw him lying in a garbage dump, I thought he was a homeless person... 

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Alexstrasza: — Searching in the refrigerator — Chromie, ¿where's the yogurt?, I thought you went shopping... 

Chromie: — Murmurs —

Alexstrasza: ¿What? 

Chromie: ¡They were on the top shelf!, ¡I COULDN'T REACH THEM!

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Jaina: Look... I know I don't dance as well as you, but...

Orphea: No. No one dances better than me.

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Gall: Bro...

Cho: ¿What's up, bro?

Gall: Tell me the scariest horror story you've ever heard, bro.

Cho: A life without you, bro.

Gall: Bro...

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— Tychus making a cooking video —

Tychus: Today, I'm going to teach you how to make a delicious meal with just one ingredient... 

Tychus: ¡A PHONE!

Tychus: — Calling the pizzeria — I'd like a Hawaiian pizza with extra pineapple.

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Raynor: ¡Maiev is gone!, ¿Could you find her?

Ana: ¿What do you think?, ¿Does she have a tracking chip or something?

Raynor: ...

Raynor: Well...

Ana: Yes, hold on a moment.

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Raynor: ¿What are they doing?

Blaze: Talking in Morse code or something.

Nova: — Banging on a table —

-.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . / .- / ... - ..- .--. .. -.. / .-- --- -- .- -. / .-- .... --- .----. ... / --- -. .-.. -.-- / --. --- --- -.. / ..-. --- .-. / - --- .-- . .-. ... .-.-.-

Sergeant Hammer: — Knocks over the table — ¡SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BITCH!

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— The five universes were called to a meeting —

D.Va: ¿Why were we all called to the meeting room?

Zeratul: I don't know the reason... 

Tyrael: Apparently, the human, a King of Azeroth, has an important message to tell us.

— Varian appears on the main platform —

Varian: — Showing a 200-slide presentation — ¡And now, I will tell you why I love my son so much! ✨

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— Nova took all the mercenary camps —

Garrosh: — On the opposing team — ¡¿How did that weak human beat all of you?!

Mercenaries: She's more versatile than we thought...

Garrosh: ¿She bribed you, didn't she?

Mercenaries: — With cash in hand — Yep.

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Ana: You must remember that you were given the opportunity to join the team and fight with us, but you refused because you said...

Ana: — Reading from a piece of paper — Deathwing is slower than a pregnant woman in a cast, Nova is more delicate than a breeze, Fénix dies every two seconds, Malfurion is useless, and Tracer is ridiculous, highly ridiculous.

Alarak: ¿Did I say all that?

Ana: Yes.

Alarak: Well, I still think it.

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Chromie: Don't make me angry, or you'll see...

Cho'gall: ¿What are you going to do, little one?, ¿Kick us in the ankle, huh?

Chromie: ...

— 5 minutes later —

Tyrande: ¿Why is there an ogre lying on the ground?

Alexstrasza: Chromie kicked them in the ankle.

Chromie: They told me to do it. It was basically an invitation.

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Arthas: Smaller beings are more aggressive because they are closer to the ground...

Tychus: ¿So what?, I don't understand.

Arthas: Because they are closer to hell.

— Deathwing arrives, battered and bruised after Murky gave him a terrible beating —

Deathwing: He's right...

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Stukov: — Speaking in Russian — … And that's how I ended up turning into this.

Alexstrasza: — Listening intently —

Auriel: ¿Did you understand anything he said?

Alexstrasza: No, not a fucking clue...

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— Auriel is pulled over while driving —

Auriel: ¿Is there a problem, officer?

D.Va: — Wearing uniform and dark glasses — Violation of code 21.

Auriel: Excuse me, ¿but what is that?

D.Va: Excessive beauty — Hands her a piece of paper — Sign here, please.

Auriel: Uh, okay... — Signs it —

D.Va: Thank you very much your holiness, have a nice day...

— Walks away —

D.Va: ¡Awesome!, ¡I've always wanted your autograph!

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Maiev: ¡I'll get rid of the body!

Qhira: ¡I'll wipe out all DNA!

Valla: ¡I'll hide the weapons!

Kerrigan: ¡I'll distract the cops!

Mei: ¡I'll make sandwiches! ^^ 

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Whitemane: ¡I'm speechless!

Xul: And yet, he yelled at me for 40 minutes... 

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Illidan: — With his hand inside a vending machine — I'll show you a trick to get things out faster ✨

Valla: ¿Your arm got stuck, didn't it?

Illidan: Well... I paid for my snacks...

Illidan: ¡AND I'M GONNA GET MY SNACKS!

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— Nobody did their homework —

«He's in the library, looking up the questions he still needs to answer»

Anduin, Tyrael, Artanis, Genji. 

«He suggests setting fire to the school so classes will be canceled» 

Arthas, Imperius, Alarak, Junkrat. 

«He didn't even attend classes all year» 

Garrosh, Diablo, Tychus, D.Va.

«Prepares his weapon in case the teacher asks about the homework» 

Maiev, Sonya, Kerrigan, Orphea.

«Did the homework, but doesn't want to share it with anyone» 

Sylvannas, Valla, Nova, Hanzo.

«Asleep and unconcerned about the matter» 

Malfurion, Deckard, Stukov, Mei.

«Steals someone's notebook to copy their homework» 

Illidan, Mephisto, Abathur, Qhira.

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Valeera: Excuse me, Grandpa, ¿is there any sugar?

Deckard: Yes.

Valeera: ¿And... where is it?

Deckard: ¿Can't you see it?, It's right there... — He points to a corner — In that cookie ketchup can that says coffee.

Valeera: ¿What...?

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— Anduin was recently sent to Abathur for treatment after suffering severe injuries. —

Varian: ¿Do you think my son will lose his eye?

Abathur: Eye... I wrapped it in a handkerchief when I gave it to him... if he loses it... it's not my problem ...

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Tracer: I showed some Starcraft friends a photo of us...

Junkrat: ¿And?

Tracer: ...They said you looked like you'd just escaped from a mental hospital... 

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Fénix: If Mephisto and Gul'dan are riding in a car, ¿who's driving?

Varian: Probably an exorcist...