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Megumi hasn’t left his room in three days. He’s tired, so tired. He’s pathetic. A fucking failure. He knew Yuji was new, that he was inexperienced in Jujutsu, and still so much pressure was heaved onto his shoulders.
What good does it do regretting it now? He died. Gone, because of him. It was completely his fault. He’d just watched in horror as Sukuna tore his friend's heart out of his body. What was even the point of being a sorcerer to help people if he just had to watch his friend die? Hell, he’d rather die than have to live through something like this over and over again.
There’s no way every sorcerer has gone through this. The utter guilt was eating him alive. To live like this his entire life would kill him. He hated self-pity, but it was all he could feel. It was all his fault, he just wasn’t good enough.
He wraps his blanket tighter around himself as he curls into his bed. He hadn’t showered or even left his bed in days. There were too many thoughts in his head, it was all too much, so much he could barely keep himself from drowning in the pit of his own miserable existence.
He couldn’t— he couldn’t just rest. The very thought nauseated him and he grips his arms around himself. Yuji was dead. He’d never see his bright smile again, never hear him make some corny dumb joke and embarrass himself, he’d never– never–
He feels his body heave and throat block up. He breathes in stuttered breaths. Was he crying? Yuji was dead and all he could do was cry?
He feels the disgust overtake his body again. He was so fucking pathetic. He aggressively pulls his arm out from underneath his blanket to hastily wipe at his eyes. He’s so—
“Megs? You alright?”
He hears the voice from behind the door and winces. No, no he couldn’t talk to Satoru. He hasn’t spoken with him since the incident. He couldn’t bear to look up and see the disappointment shimmering in his all knowing eyes. Satoru– he must know that all of this was Megumi’s fault. He’d let his favorite student get killed, the one Megumi knew he’d been fighting so hard to protect from the higher-ups.
“I’m fine.” His own voice is a low rasp, and he can barely recognize it himself.
He knew Satoru must surely be able to sense his erratic cursed energy from outside the door but thankfully he didn’t pry too much.
He hears him sigh, “Yeah that’s what you’re saying. You’ve been cooped up in there for days, Megs, and I know you miss him but—”
“No! You don’t fucking understand!” He doesn’t mean to yell, since Satoru is probably feeling just as bad about this as he is. This just makes him feel worse. It doesn’t seem to stop him though.
“This— All of this is my fault! You- you don’t—” His voice breaks off into a sob and he feels a heavy weight on his chest. It feels hard to breathe. His breath splutters and he squints his eyes shut in panic.
Satoru must have heard him because when Megumi opens his eyes he’s right there, kneeling by his bed.
No, no, Satoru is seeing him in this pitiful and is probably just going to make fun of him, put all the blame onto him, He can barely– it’s all too much—
He feels his mouth dry up as large hands heave him into a sitting position. Fuck, he can’t, he can’t hear, he can’t breathe, what’s wrong with him? His hands feel cold, he can barely feel his face. He needs to, he can’t— it’s all too many emotions shoved into him, and now his heart is beating so loudly, so painfully it feels like it’s going to burst from his chest. He keeps gasping but he can never seem to get enough air.
“Megumi, Megs, listen to me. Copy my breathing, alright? In, out, in, out…”
The voice is distant and Megumi could barely decipher the words. Who was that speaking? Satoru? Was he saying to copy his breathing? He could try that. In, then out. It doesn’t seem to be working.
“Yes, just like that. Let’s do it again, alright? In… then out. And again, in… then out…”
Megumi copies his breathing and slowly feels himself begin to calm down. He senses the feelings rush back to his freezing nerves, the heat flush his cheeks.
He feels better now, but he’s so, so tired. He feels Satoru push his sweaty hair out of his face.
“Megs? You with me?” He nods in response, not meeting his eye. What does he even say? Satoru just saw him lose it over some trivial thoughts. Now he’d seen his real son, the one who’d been unable to protect Yuji.
Satoru sits down on the bed and he feels the bed dip from the weight.
“Hey, you wanna go help me make dinner?”
Megumi squints at him in disbelief. After that whole thing, after all that whining and crying he’d just put up with, he was asking him to help him cook?
Satoru seems to sense his wariness and his piercingly blue eyes widen, “I mean you don’t have to help or anything, you could just watch—”
“Obviously I’ll help.” Megumi hears himself snap the response before he could stop it. He hadn’t meant to agree, it was… an accident. Well, too late to change it now.
Satoru grins like he just accomplished some difficult feat and gets up quickly. “Well then, let’s get going! It’s already 6pm, and dinner isn’t going to make itself!”
He ruffles Megumi’s hair and leaves towards the kitchen. Megumi sits up on his bed. This was great, he had to go help Satoru cook. It’s not like he despised cooking or something, he just… didn’t want to.
Actually, what would Yuji think? He would probably approve of something like this. He’d always loved eating at a new restaurant every time they went to Tokyo, claiming the food he’d grown up eating had always been boring.
That settles his resolve. He would go help Satoru cook. He gets up and makes his way towards the kitchen.
As he walked down the hall, the bright lights made him squint his eyes. He felt shaky on his feet but kept going anyway. Being a little dizzy wouldn’t stop him.
“Hey Me— oh, wow, you look…”
Satoru’s obviously very forced cheery tone falters as he looks over at him. He turns off a big overhanging light and Megumi relaxes. If Satoru notices, he doesn’t say anything.
“Well, it’s nothing a good meal can’t fix.” Says Satoru even though he doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about.
“I’m thinking of making Miso soup! Or maybe Udon. You know, they’re both pretty… Megs, are you listening?’
Megumi snaps back to Satoru and he stumbles over his thoughts. No, he hadn’t been listening. He’d been thinking of if he should retreat back to his room and how much it would hurt Satoru’s feelings. Luckily though, he’d heard a few words though.
“Uh-huh, Miso soup sounds fine.” He mumbles looking down at the floor.
“Great! Get some tofu and green onions out of the fridge, will you? And cube the tofu while you’re at it.”
Megumi nods and takes the ingredients out of the fridge. He passes the green onion over to Satoru and slowly begins to slice the tofu.
He hears him clear his throat. “Actually, Megs, I know this is kinda a rough topic, but you need to believe me, okay?”
Megumi pauses in his slicing. He already knows what he’s going to say but nods his head anyway.
“Yuji— that wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t expecting you to swoop in like some god and save him, you were literally facing Sukuna. I– I don’t think you failed him at all, Megs. You fought until the end. You did your best.”
Megumi grips his knife tighter. He knows Satoru is trying to comfort him, he knows that what he’s saying is true, but he just can’t accept it.
“Yeah well, clearly my best wasn’t all that great. He died in the end anyways, Satoru.”
There’s a silence that’s only interrupted by Gojo dicing the green onion.
“You— you can’t be thinking like that. You’re no match for Sukuna, and that isn’t a bad thing. It’s likely I’m the only sorcerer who could rival him.”
Megumi pushes the cubed tofu to the side and then stills. Something ugly builds in chest as his words lash out with pure emotion, “Really? Then why didn’t you fucking save him, Satoru! You knew where we were, didn’t the thought occur to you that maybe a bunch of teenage sorcerers couldn’t take on fucking Sukuna!?”
His voice is near hysterical, and he doesn’t regret what he said. Not yet.
Satoru’s eyes flutter hesitantly between him and the countertop, his hands fidgeting. Megumi vaguely thinks his eyes look glazed over. He swallows. It’s probably just his mind playing tricks on him.
“Megs, that’s not fair. You know I was on a mission, I didn’t even know Ijichi had sent you three out to fight a damn special curse. You know I would’ve helped you if I could, I really— I really care about you, Megumi, I wouldn’t just ditch you like that.”
Megumi scowls as he shoves the tofu towards Gojo. He didn’t mean it like that. He does regret his words now. But his mouth always seems to move without any input from his damn brain, “That doesn’t really matter now that he’s fucking dead, does it?”
Satoru winces like the word hurts him. He looks at Megumi, eyes shimmering. He can see… something. There’s something Gojo’s not saying, something he's not telling him.
“Megumi, no, you need to understand—”
“Understand what!? What the hell are you on about? He’s dead, Satoru! He’s gone, he’s g-gone…” Megumi feels his throat close up as his voice trails off. His cheeks are hot, and he’s crying. Again. Right in front of Satoru. He’s so–
Warmth. He stills. Satoru is hugging him, with one hand stroking his hair. Megumi immediately melts into the touch without thinking. He cries harder, he sobs. Satoru murmurs something reassuring quietly to him but he can’t hear it over his choked breaths.
“Shh, Megs, it’s okay, it’s alright…”
No. His— his best friend is dead, there’s nothing okay about that. But for once, Megumi doesn’t care. He lets himself believe the false promises being whispered.
Soon, his sobs calm down, and Satoru gently lets him go. He gives him a tired, sad-looking smile. Then, as if nothing happened at all he goes, “Get me the miso paste from the fridge, will you?”
Megumi looks at him stunned, his cheeks still red and tear-stained. What? Is he not going to say anything? That’s… unexpected. It’s not like Megumi was about to complain though.
He opens the fridge and takes it. He hands it over to Satoru, who’s pouring dashi into the pot.
“Y’know, Megumi, I do understand you. I’ve lost my– my best friend as well. Well, I always thought of him as more, but he was gone before I could say anything.”
Megumi swallows as he watches Satoru dissolve the miso paste into the broth. He’d heard about Satoru’s “close friend” Geto Suguru, but none of the rumors were quite appealing.
“You probably know, he defected. I was around your age too. When he left, it felt like he died. I mourned him while he was still alive.” His voice is calm, but Megumi can hear the pain buried underneath.
“I had to kill him in the end anyways.” Gojo said quietly, his voice strained. Megumi blanched. That was… terrible. But what could Satoru have done? This is what the job of being a sorcerer entails.
“I didn’t want to do it. Obviously.” Satoru cleared his throat as he added the tofu into the soup. Megumi thought his hands looked shaky. “But I couldn’t fight the laws of our society. I had to fulfill my duty. This is what being a sorcerer is like, Megs.”
Megumi bit his lip, saying nothing. Now he thinks about it, every sorcerer must face death in some form or the other. Satoru lost Geto. He’d heard about how Nanami lost Haibara. Sorcerers die everyday trying to protect humans from problems they themselves create.
Satoru seems to be able to tell what he’s thinking because he says, “You don’t have to be a sorcerer if you don’t want to, Megs. I could always talk to the higher-ups and—”
“No.” He mumbled. His voice cracked. “No, I still wanna be a sorcerer. That… that’s what he’d do. Probably what he’d want for me too.”
Satoru stills and studies him carefully, his lips pressing against each other. He had like look on his face again, like he was hiding something. Actually, no, he’s had that look throughout the entire conversation. Hell, maybe even the entire day.
Megumi narrows his eyes slightly but then Satoru looks away and starts to pour the soup into bowls. Whatever, maybe something happened in one of Satoru’s solo missions and it’s on his mind. It can’t be that important.
They then sit at the small dining table and begin eating. The first bite Megumi takes of the soup is heavenly. This is the first thing he’s eaten in days and it's amazing.
“Is it good?” Satoru asks him. Megumi nods as he blows on another spoonful of soup.
“Y’know, I don’t have any missions for tomorrow. If you want, we could watch a movie or something.” Megumi raises an eyebrow and Satoru hurriedly adds, “Only if you want to, of course! You know we don—”
“Yeah, I want to.” Says Megumi with a small, barely there smile. Satoru beams. “Well then! Which one do you have in mind?”
Megumi shrugs as he eats (drinks?) another spoonful of soup. “Eh, that’s fine, I could just pick something for us then. What do you think of romantic comedies, Megs?”
Megumi physically winces and curls up a little and shakes his head. “Uh, actually, can we just watch the Toy Story movie or something?”
Gojo smiles again, “Of course we can. Here, I’ll go set it up on the TV.”
Megumi nods and finishes the last of his soup. As he puts it in the sink, thoughts whirl in his mind. He’d literally been sobbing earlier. Twice. Fuck, he even had a panic attack of all things. Is Satoru just not gonna say anything? Megumi isn’t insulted about it or anything, it’s just odd. He would've thought Satoru would make a big deal out of those things.
He washes his hands and sits on the opposite side of the sofa from Satoru. Obviously, he scooches all the way over. Megumi sighs.
“Hey, don’t leave me like that! Toy Story is a very emotional movie, who’s shoulder would I cry on if not yours, Megumi?”
Megumi scowls, “Ugh, no. Get off.”
Satoru smiles at him fondly despite the jab. He plays the movie. Only after the first ten minutes, Megumi has already curled up against Satoru and is watching the movie with rapt interest as Satoru tries not to fall asleep.
Soon though, the exhaustion of the day catches up quickly with Megumi, and before he knows it he’s passed out. He vaguely remembers thinking he’s glad he didn’t go back to his room like he wanted to before he falls asleep.
But Satoru is still awake.
He looks over at Megumi as he sleeps and sighs, Tears fill his eyes. He such a fucking coward, he couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t just fucking tell him. Yuji is alive. He’s alive and well and Megumi has no idea, and it’s completely Satoru’s fault.
Megumi is mourning a friend who never died like how he mourned for Suguru years before his death.
Until the right time comes, all Satoru can do is watch Megumi struggle through the grief and depression while watching helplessly. He barely knows how to comfort him. He’d started crying in front of him. In front of him. Satoru didn't know what to do so he hugged him and dropped it. Megumi never mentioned it again either. What does that mean? He doesn’t fucking know.
He runs his hand over his aching eyes. There’s a stabbing pain behind the temples from the glare of the TV but he ignores it. There’s nothing he can do.
He can’t even relieve the sorrow of his own son.