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“You gave up those women to save yourself,” she accuses.
Nick shakes his head. He’s so tired. He’s so worn down. He doesn’t know how much to push on this, for her sake or his own. He can’t handle her intensity right now, but he also can’t let her walk away from him for what always feels like the last time. This time it REALLY feels like it will be the last time. He feels all his energy leaving his body, along with his ability to carry on this charade of a double life any longer. He briefly considers sitting down on the ground for how weak he feels.
June just looks at him, waiting for him to say something.
He doesn’t.
She turns and starts walking away. She has never been this angry at him. She doesn’t understand, how could he give up Mayday’s plans? He got all these women killed. She’s been wrong about him all along apparently. Just the thought of all they have been through together ending like this rattles June to her core. Who is this person? She was (is?) in love with him? Fuck him. She holds her head up high as she walks away from him.
He can’t let this end here. “June,” he says.
Nothing.
“June!” he hollers after her, but it sounds weak and the desperation in his voice surprises him.
She hears it too. She slows her pace, listening.
Feeling completely spent and unable to muster any more urgency, Nick drops to a squatted position, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands.
He doesn’t even see that June stopped walking away and has turned to look at him.
She can barely hear it when he almost whispers toward the ground, “Please, June. Please.”
June is not so far gone in her anger that she misses the significance of whatever is happening to him. This is something she has never seen from Nick. She noticed it last night when he fell into her arms and said she was the only good thing in his life. By the time she saw him again, he was almost manic, asking her to go to Paris. He had kissed her with an insistence she hadn’t felt from him in a long time.
Then on the car ride he was clearly biting his tongue in an effort to honor her wishes. He always honored her wishes. Always. But this was something else altogether.
This is actually pretty alarming, when she cuts through her own stubbornness. Nick is not ok. Even his critical ability to pretend he is ok seems to be gone. This is something she has counted on for years. His stoicism gave her confidence and courage. What is happening?
She realizes two things; Nick is crying in a way she has never witnessed. And, he clearly hasn’t noticed that she turned around and is standing there.
She is still angry though. She doesn’t want to kick him while he’s down but she’s not really in a place to comfort him either. He did this. He betrayed her trust and women died.
Nick lifts his head. He sees her standing there looking at him. He is both relieved and humiliated. Pushing down on his knees, he stands up, never taking his eyes off of her. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, wiping his eyes. He wills himself to hold her gaze, despite how pissed she looks. She’s there and he knows that is all he can ask right now.
They are about 15 feet apart, just looking at each other, for what feels like forever.
“Tell me what happened Nick,” June finally says, in an even tone.
Nick’s eyes go to his shoes. He hates what happened. But he needs to tell her so she knows the truth. He looks back up at her.
“He already knew everything. The Mayday plan, the dead guardian, even that you were likely somewhere in New Bethlehem,” he says.
This startles June. How would Wharton know all that BEFORE he talked to Nick. Her stomach starts to sink.
“He also knew I had been at Jezebels just then and wanted to know if I was helping Mayday, or you. He had been… talking to Lawrence I guess… but I don’t know what Lawrence knew,” Nick trails off as he can see June reacting to this information.
June closes her eyes. Fucking Lawrence. She can feel Moira willing her to stop talking in his driveway last night as she eagerly and arrogantly filled him in on the plans. June realizes that it was actually her that betrayed Mayday. And Lawrence that betrayed her.
“Wharton said that Jezebels was closed and the women would be handled… it was already ordered,” Nick says. “It seemed safer to confirm the Mayday plans than to tell him you were in my driveway.”
He stops and looks at her. She meets his gaze, despite feeling like a complete fool.
Everything about her face and posture has changed but he doesn’t know why.
“I’m always going to choose to protect you, June, you have to know that. It wasn’t about me. It was about you,” he says quietly.
June nods at him. She understands what he is saying. She is stunned by this revelation of what happened last night. What a nightmare. Everything that happens here ends up hurting the wrong people and this time, she caused it. Of course Nick was protecting her, he always does. She had forgotten that this morning.
“Why would Wharton tell Serena that he heard it all from you instead of Lawrence?” June asks.
“I don’t know. He told me a dozen times how pleased he was that I was honest with him. He had his doubts but now he knows he can trust me.” Nick answers.
June is taking this all in. Nick just watches her, afraid she’ll start walking away again.
“Can we get back in the car?” she asks quietly.
Nick is surprised. She seems to be withdrawing into herself and he doesn’t know how to respond to that. But if she is willing to stay near him, he will take it in any form. So he steps back and to the side and motions towards his still running car.
June walks past him and he follows her, thinking to check their surroundings for the first time in too long. He takes a moment to be disappointed in himself for this.
June gets into the passenger seat and he gets into the driver's seat, grateful for the warmth and the chance to sit. He is facing forward but stealing glances at her. She is facing forward, staring blankly out the windshield.
After a few minutes, June says, “I owe you an apology.” She hasn’t moved her body but Nick turns in his seat so he can face her.
“No, you don’t, you had every reason to believe that I…”
“Yes, I do. I told Lawrence. I did that,” she says, looking down at her lap, her hands fidgeting with her coat.
Nick is taken aback. He turns back to facing forward in his seat and leans his head back against the headrest.
“I’m just like them,” June says flatly.
“You’re not. No way,” Nick says.
It’s quiet again for a few minutes. June seems lost in thought. She’s humbled by what she did, why she did it, how things get so messed up so fast. She thought she could trust Lawrence and she was wrong. And it almost cost her Nick, which in turn almost cost Nick his sanity this morning. She thinks back to when he was squatting on the road with his head in his hands.
June turns toward him and he sits up straight to look back at her.
“This is all really taking a toll on you, isn’t it?” June says.
Nick considers putting on a strong face, but then remembers this is June. She’s known him a long time and can read him. She also just watched him lose it for a few minutes.
“Yeah,” he says, trying not to let the emotions rise up again.
“Maybe it’s time to choose Nick. Maybe doing both is too hard,” June says softly.
When their eyes meet, June sees emptiness and sadness in his eyes. She’s never seen him this low. He looks like he wants to disappear, even from her. He’s always been able to rally for her.
She reaches for his hand, but he pulls it away.
“You don’t have to do that,” he says quietly.
Now he’s making her nervous. If nothing else, they have always been able to count on their hands to communicate for them. Why won’t he let her touch him?
“I’m worried about you Nick,” she says softly.
“Me too,” Nick says, “You’re right, I can’t do this anymore.”
June nods. She can’t help herself and she reaches for his hand again. He pulls away again, and now she can feel tears in her eyes. What is going on here?
“Don’t do that,” he says sadly.
“Why not? I love you Nick,” she says.
“Please, June, don’t.” Nick is starting to get frustrated.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t make it seem like there’s some life out there for me,” he says louder than he means to, “with you and Holly…” he trails off as tears come back to his eyes, “that’s part of what’s killing me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve probably done enough for Mark now, but what's the point? There’s nothing for me out there,” he says.
“So you’d rather just go full Gilead and be the Mayor of New Bethlehem and forget about us?” she asks. Her intensity is coming back now.
“No, but isn’t that my only choice?” he shoots back.
“Of course not!” she says exasperated.
“What do you see as my other choices June?” he asks angrily.
“Get out - come be with me.” she spits out.
“With you and Luke? No thanks!”
“I’m not with Luke like that!” she shoots back.
“Since last week?!” Now he’s breathing heavily and is more confused than ever.
June groans in frustration. Nick faces forward, throws his head back and closes his eyes.
It’s quiet for a while. They are both so tired and disillusioned.
Eventually, June sits up and turns toward him. He turns his head toward her in response.
“This morning, at least I think that was this morning, Jesus… you asked me to go to Paris,” she says calmly. He’s listening. “Was that just so I wouldn’t hear about Jezebels or did you actually want that?”
He turns his head away from her and sighs.
“It was crazy. I hadn’t slept and was panicked. I just got it in my head that we could just get out of here. Be a real family.” he says, turning to look at her. “I know you can’t do it,” he adds.
“What if I want to do it?” she says and he furrows his brow. “Were you bluffing or do you have the paperwork?”
“I have it. But I know you’re not leaving Luke and Moira,” he says.
“You seemed to be pretty confident of that this morning,” June says, letting a small smile form on her lips.
“I think I mentioned the no sleep and the panic already,” Nick says dryly.
June looks at him, holds his gaze. She then lifts the center console and scoots herself backward onto his lap. He is resisting touching her, having no idea what she is doing. He swallows thickly, waiting for her next move. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying the physical contact. God, she can wreck him.
June puts an arm around his shoulders, her other hand gently touching his cheek. She can tell he is lost somewhere between confusion and anticipation.
“Ask me again,” she whispers.
The eye contact and the physical touch is literally refueling Nick’s emotional and physical tank. She gasps when he takes her by the waist and turns her body to be facing him, straddling his legs with hers. His hands are on her hips and they are both breathless. He looks her in the eye and takes a breath.
“Come with me to Paris,” he says.
June starts to smile. “You’re crazy,” she says.
“I know,” he says.
“Yes,” she says as she crashes her mouth to his. He doesn’t hesitate and kisses her back with all the relief and longing he has within him. This kiss goes on awhile, her hands in his hair, his hands running up and down her back, both of them getting lost in the familiarity of each other.
“What needs to happen now?” June asks him.
“I should go back - let things settle down a little. But I am talking days, not weeks,” he says.
“Ok. And you’re sure Rose won’t come. Even with the baby?”
“She won’t. And the less she knows the better.”
June nods understanding.
“I probably should have told you this before, but, um, the baby isn’t mine,” Nick says.
“Oh wow, for real? Whose is it?”
“Rose has a Guardian she’s in a relationship with in DC. But I'm the only one that knows that. She’s been pissed about the New Bethlehem assignment because she wanted me to join the DC Council,” he explains, still running his hands over June’s hips and ass.
“Maybe, if you disappear, her dad will take her back to DC?” June says with optimism.
“Hopefully,” Nick says with the first small smile she has seen today.
“June, I know we're in the middle of nowhere but we should really get out of here,” Nick says, as he pulls her face closer for a kiss.
June sighs into the kiss, wishing they could linger here awhile longer. But she knows he is right. She presses her forehead to his.
“I love you,” he says.
“I love you,” she says.
She pulls herself back over to her seat. They look at each other. Today has been quite a rollercoaster of emotions for both of them.
Nick starts driving and June takes his hand in hers. This time he lets her.
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