Chapter Text
Things are not getting better. That’s all Sirius is able to focus on while he tries to flip through the Daily Prophet. He can’t even begin reading, his eyes seem to get stuck immediately and his mind turns into a black hole.
He is fighting the urge to rip the newspaper apart when he hears keys clanking behind the door. He looks around the flat in slight panic, not really sure why. There’s just this pit at the bottom of his stomach that makes him sick. It makes him feel like he did something wrong, something to be ashamed of.
Sirius brings up the paper to cover his face and prepare for a talk with Moony. That is, if he’ll even be willing to talk. He’s rarely in the mood recently.
The door opens and Sirius sets the Daily Prophet down, sighing quietly. He reaches out for a mug filled with tea that’s barely warm by now - just to have something to do with his hands. It brings comfort to him, even when the drink can’t speak for him. It proved itself to be a good companion when there was nothing left to say.
Sirius brings on a smile to his face as his eyes wander towards Remus. “Hiya.”
Remus looks up, slightly surprised and smiles back. “Hi.” His golden hair is all ruffled up and seemingly matted down with dust. “Anything even slightly nice?” He gestures towards the newspaper with his head and shrugs off his jacket.
“Nope.” Sirius scratches his forehead. “Tea?”
“Thanks.”
So, Sirius gets up and strides off into their small kitchen, glad he has something to do. Once Remus joins him, he sets his chin down on Sirius’ shoulder. He nuzzles his nose against his neck.
Sirius squirms with a chuckle. “I’ll spill, twat.”
“Mmmh, you smell nice.”
“Took a shower already.” They watch as the hot water slowly turns brown in Remus’ favourite blue mug. “Seems like you’d use one, too, y’know?”
“Prick,” Remus nips at the pale skin, right above the ripped collar of Sirius’ t-shirt, before turning towards the bathroom. “I’ll be quick.”
“Take your time,” Sirius mutters to himself. The bathroom door clicks shut, but only when the water running can be heard in the apartment, he steadies his arms on the counter. His teeth grit against each other as he tries to keep cool. “What, the fuck, Pads. Nothin’s happenin’.” Yet.
Sirius finishes up the tea, then shuffles over to the couch and the knackered tea table they got after Alphard died. Florean left very little for himself. Maybe he didn’t want the pain to pop up every bloody day, Sirius figured. He can’t picture himself relating, though. If pain is the only thing left from love, he’ll take it.
It’s not long after he sinks into the cushions that Remus emerges from the loo, his hair slightly drippy - leaving wet spots on his pyjamas. He was always quick with showering.
Sirius already knows something is wrong. Well, more wrong than the latest usual. He can almost smell it on Remus and when he doesn’t sit down next to him and, instead, takes his tea and starts pacing around the room - Sirius is more than sure.
“So,” he clears his throat. “How’s your special werewolf task?”
Remus stops abruptly. “Fine.”
“Fine.” Sirius repeats in fake contemplation, his head nodding along.
“Sirius, I know you hate these secrets and, to be quite honest, so do I, but…”
“Yeah, yeah. Dumbledore said, blah, blah, blah.”
“Don’t be like that.” Remus can’t keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“Talk to me, Moony. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“How was it, then?”
“Merlin, you’re a pain in the ass.” Remus sighs. He sets his mug on their kitchen table with so much force that a little puddle spills onto the wood. “The mission was fine. The meeting after? Not so much.”
Sirius frowns and stands up to see his partner better as Moony continues his pacing. “What d’you mean?”
“They were acting weird,” Remus confesses at last, with his back turned.
“Weird how?”
“They…” he runs a hand through his damp hair. “They asked me so many questions, Sirius. Dumbledore barely spoke at all, though.”
“Well, he’s bit of an assho-”
“Moody’s been frowning and grumbling at me for weeks. He acts like I’m lying. Why, the hell, would I?”
Sirius bites on the inside of his cheeks. “Moody doesn’t trust you?”
Remus shrugs. “Prick, probably doesn’t trust anyone.”
“Well, Moons. Don’t get me wrong, but you’ve been acting… different. Lately.”
Everything seems to freeze for a solid minute. Sirius could swear it even got colder. He swallows, suddenly regretting that he didn’t leave this conversation to be dealt with in the morning. His legs get wobbly and he has to sit back at the table. He sips on Remus’ tea absentmindedly, waiting for the bomb to go off.
“Different.” Remus’ voice is hollow. “Sure. It’s not like I’m basically forced to live as something I never wanted to be in the first place. Suddenly, it’s the only thing valuable about me and also the reason to resent me.”
“I- Moony, I’m sorry, I know, but-”
“My whole life people were always like Oooh, just embrace it, Remus. You poor thing. You just have to embrace the wolf in you. You have to make peace with yourself and with the fact that you’re a werewolf. Who cares that everybody hates them. Just embrace it. Turn it into your strength. And I’m finally doing exactly that, with clear orders from Dumbledore, and now what? Suddenly everyone thinks I’m a bad guy? What is this?!”
Sirius falls silent. The bile in his throat doesn’t let him speak. He sets down the mug on the table and waits for it to let go. And he waits for Remus to cool off a bit, because he has to admit, he can get pretty scary these days…
Sirius swallows.
“You’re silent,” Remus notices. Shit.
“Sorry,” he scratches his chin and looks up from the mug at last. “I really don’t know.”
“Yeah, I know,” Remus chuckles nervously and comes up to Sirius. He first steals a bit of the tea, then buries his face in the crook of Sirius’ neck - both of them take comfort from that. Sirius relaxes enough to continue.
“I mean. If you’re embracing it… people are obviously gonna notice that something is different. And if they can’t connect the dots correctly, then… I guess, it could scare them.”
He can feel Remus’ body tensing up. He takes a small step back. “I- am I scaring you, Pads?”
“What? No!”
“Sirius.”
Sirius turns around to look him in the eyes. They are round and visibly scared as well, now.
“Be honest with me.” Remus whispers.
“Not right now, you aren’t.”
Moony drags his fingers through his hair and then scratches his face with them, leaving red marks across his cheeks. “Fuck,” he says.
“Rem, I-” Sirius gets up and reaches out to him, but Remus yanks back and kicks the wobbly coffee table.
But Sirius Black is a stubborn person and he does not concede easily. Especially not when it comes to Remus Lupin.
He sneaks up on him from the back and quickly wraps his arms around him. He holds tightly. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he keeps on repeating into Remus’ warm back muscles that he can feel moving under the t-shirt. “Moony, look at me.” He turns him around and looks up into the amber eyes.
Remus’ gaze dances around in panic. “I didn’t- what did I- "
Sirius grabs his cheeks and caresses the scratches. “Love, I know fear.”
“But-”
“Jesus, fuck, shut up!” Sirius yanks Remus’ head down and presses their lips together which does, in fact, shut him up quite successfully. “I’m way more scared of other stuff.”
He sees the small smile that his boyfriend tries to fight back. Sirius is glad he gets to hold that smile and all the freckles around it, between his palms. “What stuff?” Remus huffs.
Sirius smirks and tugs at his shirt. “Come to bed and I’ll tell you.”
“I don’t want you to be scared of me.” Remus’ soft confession cuts through the darkness of their bedroom. He runs his finger along one of the scars on Sirius’ chest - a small reminder of the life he once had.
Sirius’ breath hitches. He can’t help, but notice, every single time, how helpless he actually is. How fragile and unimportant in comparison to… guys who are not like him. Who are normal.
He traces Remus’ sharp jawline, lost in thoughts. The slight stubble prickles at his fingertips. “I’m sorry, Moony.” He whispers.
Remus is hovering over him, his jaw set, but eyes glassy. He sighs. “I mean, I know I can get kind of scary, I even sometimes scare myself, but…”
“Shh…” Sirius places his hand on his lips. “Remus, I grew up with scary.”
“I wanted to be different,” Remus mumbles against his hand. Then, he backs away and shuffles aside to sit next to Sirius. “I want to be better, to-”
“It’s me who is scared.”
“Not just you, though.”
“Don’t overthink it, Moons. And don’t act like you’ve never been scared of me, because I know damn well that you were. More than once.”
Remus chuckles against his will. “‘Cause you’re volatile.”
“Volatile…” Sirius murmurs and snuggles closer to Remus’ chest again.
“Mmh, yeah. Incalculable.”
“You love calculating, don’t ya, Moons?”
“Shut up.”
“Tell me more.”
“Aberrant. Off the rails, frankly.”
“Says Moony!” A barky laugh escapes Sirius’ mouth.
“You promised to tell what it is that you’re scared of,” Remus reminds him gently.
Sirius huffs and grumbles, tickling his skin. When he speaks, his voice is barely a whisper, a soft confession - sign of vulnerability that Sirius tends to hate himself for. “I’m afraid you’ll disappear.”
Remus’ body stills and a shiver goes down his spine. “What?” He croaks.
“You heard me.”
Remus shakes his head violently and gapes at Sirius, utterly dumbstruck. “Why would I disappear?”
Sirius looks away. “You do it everyday,” he says and something in Remus threatens to break when he sees his boyfriend slouching, shying away. He quickly grabs Sirius’ wrist.
“I’ll always come back to you.” He thinks for a second and then his thoughts spill out. “You're home. You’re where I feel most human.”
Sirius shoots his silver-coated irises at him, a choking sound dulled out in his throat. “Moony…?”
“It’s ironic, really,” Remus laughs nervously, fiddling with his fingers. “I’m also the most dangerous when I’m with you. Not to you, though.” He dares to look back at Sirius and is met with rosy cheeks and eyes round, lips slightly parted. “Never to you,” he whispers, swallowing thickly.
Sirius must’ve noticed the tears that gathered in his eyes, because he throws his arms around Remus’ neck and immediately pulls him in closer, burying his nifty fingers in his hair.
“Are you giggling?” Remus half sobs.
“That might’ve been the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me, Moony.”
“You’re stupid,” he responds and with that, he kisses Sirius like his life depends on it. It certainly feels like it does.
The morning sun meets Sirius face, forcing him to wake up eventually. He turns around. Remus is no longer there.
“Shit,” he groans, scratches his nose and makes an attempt at getting up. He gets wrapped up in the sheets and almost collapses to the floor. He squints at the sun and yawns broadly as the morning cold attacks every inch of his body - Remus opened the window, obviously.
Sirius sighs and shuffles to the living room. “Remus?” He calls out.
Remus’ head pops out from around the corner. “Hm?” He is fully dressed and tying a scarf around his neck already.
“You going somewhere?”
He nods sheepishly and bites his lip. “Didn’t finish the mission yet.”
Sirius follows him to the door, where Remus puts on his boots.
“When are you coming back?”
“Soon,” he promises.
Sirius closes his eyes and forces a smile. “I love you,” he croaks and lunges forward.
Remus catches him in his arms and holds him tightly. “It shouldn’t take more than two days, love.” He rocks Sirius from side to side for a minute, but he has to let go eventually or he will have to deal with Moody and his moods.
“Three days and I’m having Moody and Dumbledore for breakfast.”
“Of course, darling.”
“Maybe they’ll give me something to do in the meantime,” Sirius grumbles. “Don’t seem keen on that, though.”
“Is it so bad?”
“I hate being useless.”
“I know,” Remus sighs and gives him a sad smile. “Gotta go.”
Before Sirius gets to wrap his head around it, Remus is gone and the flat goes silent. He can only hear the soft buzzing of the fridge. It is way too early for his liking, but there’s no way he’s going to go back to sleep when Moony left, Merlin knows where and to do, Merlin knows what.
He grabs a leftover chocolate bar and snuggles himself on the couch. “Please, don’t do anything stupid,” he whispers. He has this weird feeling that Remus is keeping more secrets from him that he lets on.
He hates himself for it.
He wants his Moony back.