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“I would never have joined with Hekla if she’d killed you, Carl.”
Donut couldn’t sleep, and she couldn’t figure out why, which was really bugging her. She didn’t like not knowing, not understanding. It made her feel like a kitten, reminded her that it had only been a few months since her intelligence had suddenly skyrocketed. It wasn’t fair that humans like Carl had been able to talk and drive and order drinks for decades and Donut, a far superior species, was stuck dealing with these feelings of uncertainty over teeny little issues.
“With me and Katia dead, Donut would’ve been all alone.”
Nope. She shook her head quickly to rattle the memory away.
“She would have been forced to join you guys.”
Carl was a big, stupid oaf of a man who never knew what he was talking about. She would never have joined Hekla’s party if she’d succeeded in killing Katia or Carl. Not a chance. Back on the train he’d said all sorts of stupid stuff. This was why she was the party leader and he was just a bodyguard. Carl couldn’t be trusted to not be a big, dumb idiot.
“Donut would’ve been all alone.”
Her stomach flip flopped horribly, like that time Miss Beatrice had purchased the chicken treats for her instead of the salmon. Humans and their horrible judgement.
She would never have joined Hekla. Even before they’d realized Hekla was batshit crazy and willing to kill Katia who’d loved and trusted her, back when Hekla was the cool girlboss Amazonian giant that Donut had been just a tiny bit in awe of, Donut never would’ve joined the Daughters. She would never join any other party.
Not without Carl.
She felt so lonely all of a sudden it made her want to scream and claw a hole in the nearest piece of furniture. Her chin trembled and she clenched her teeth harder, but it did very little to stop the quaking. Nothing had even happened. Katia was alive. Carl was alive. Her party was still in one piece.
She wasn’t alone.
In fact, Carl was snoring so loudly and so disgustingly that she really should wish to be alone right now. Instead, she curled in tighter on herself, pushing tightly against the crook in Carl’s neck. In response, he let out a truly rancid snort that would make any self-respecting cat sleep in the living room. Instead she pressed her nose to the underside of Carl’s chin and closed her eyes.
He was here. He was fine. He was breathing and she wasn’t alone. He wouldn’t leave her behind. He wouldn’t leave her. Hekla had tried, but she’d failed. They were a team and no one was going to separate them ever.
The image of Carl slumped on the floor of the train flooded her mind without her permission. Eva’s sword sticking out of his gut, his eyes open and blank and lifeless. The Daughters looting his corpse, uncaring that the world had just ended, fake sadness and guilt in their voices as they told Donut she had no one left and no other choice but to join them, just to get to Mordecai, just to use her. Just to kill her best friend and ruin everything and… and…
And she would’ve been alone. She could’ve been left alone. The thought made her gag, only this time it would be no fun at all to vomit on Carl’s pillow.
Carl snuffled in his sleep, but her head stayed nestled under his chin. He didn't turn away, even though she knew her nose was cold pressed to his neck and her eyes were suspiciously wet and she was dimly aware that her claws were out and likely hooked into his shoulder.
She breathed deeply, slowly, trying to relax. Her claws did not want to retract. Carl smelled like leather and salt and gross human man. He had showered earlier when they returned to the saferoom, but the metallic scent of blood still seemed to cling to him. It seemed to cling to just about everything these days.
Carl had moved on so easily, too easily, and maybe that was the root of the problem. Just gone straight to trying to save as many crawlers as possible, strategizing with Li Jun like one of the most powerful people in the dungeon hadn’t just plotted his murder. He wasn’t upset enough. He wasn’t angry enough.
Why didn’t he care? Why didn’t he care at all that Donut’s world had almost ended in that train car a few hours ago? Why… why didn’t he see how much she needed him?
Carl was not allowed to die. He was not allowed to leave her alone. She and Mongo needed him. Yes, Donut was the leader of their party, and the most powerful, and the most clever, and the most charming, but none of that worked without Carl. They were a family. Donut, Mongo, and Carl. She would not join another party. She would not move on from Carl like he wasn’t important. She would never, ever throw him away like that. They were a package deal, and the thought of being separated was inconceivable. Maybe it was just her new human-style intelligence, but it wasn’t a thought she could even begin to wrap her head around. Not without feeling like a pit was going to open up beneath her and swallow her whole into a black hole of crushing nothingness.
No, Carl was not allowed to die. And neither was Mongo, or Katia, or Mordecai. No one was allowed to leave her, especially not Carl.
And if he wouldn’t get properly mad at his own attempted murder, then she would just have to do it for him. She would rain hell on anyone who tried to take him away from her. If Carl wouldn’t love himself enough to have some semblance of self-preservation, then the only rational, intelligent thing to do was to love him enough for both of them.
Disgusting snores and all.