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“Isa, stop.”
Lea grabbed him by his shoulders and wanted to push his friend away. But Isa didn’t let him. Forcefully, he pressed Lea’s body back against the wall, here in one of the many back alleys of Twilight town and kissed him again.
For the first few seconds, Lea reciprocated it, maybe to show Isa, that he still wanted him, just not like that and his second attempt to stop Isa was successful.
“I said, stop.”
This time his words reached Isa and after Lea let go of him again, he took a step back. Isa didn’t want to screw this up. Never in his miserable life had he believed that they would be friends again or even act on the feelings that had always been there since they had met as teenagers.
“What is going on with you?” Lea’s voice was concerned when he looked at Isa.
“I just…” he began, not sure if he wanted to tell him or not. This day had started so wonderfully, and Isa had sworn not to look back, but since they had shared their first kiss only hours ago, there was this surge of memories flooding his head and he needed to erase them.
“Tell me.” Lea took his hand and smiled.
“There are just things, I want to forget.” He began and before Isa had a chance to elaborate on that a voice in his head, the one that was haunting him, stopped his train of thought for good.
Come here, Number VII. Yes, down on your knees…
Isa froze and was mentally taken back to that first time in Xemnas’s office when he had decided to go a step further for his goals. Lea was gone, the wonderful colors that always decorated Twilight Town were replaced by a sterile white and a dark sky and Saïx was down on his knees willing to do everything to get to the top of the organization.
“Isa!” Lea’s voice brought him back to reality.
“He’s still in my head.” A little maniac laugh left his lips and Isa covered his face, not talking to Lea but himself. Maybe after all the horrible things he had done as a Nobody, he didn’t deserve peace or even real love. Not anymore.
“Who is?” Lea was confused. Isa took a deep breath, maybe this was his chance to talk about it for the first time. Whatever had happened between them as Nobodies was in the past. They had found back together, and Isa knew he had to start trusting Lea again otherwise this whole idea of getting together was madness anyway.
“Our superior.” Maybe the memory had taken his brain too far back and he quickly corrected himself. “Sorry, I mean Xemnas.”
“Xemnas?” At first it seemed that Lea had even more questions, but after a few seconds of silence it apparently dawned on him, and he put the pieces together himself.
“What did you do, Isa? Please don’t tell me you….” He couldn’t finish the sentence and more shame overwhelmed Isa’s body and the shadow from his past mocked him for it.
You think you can replace me with him? The traitor?
Isa had wanted to forget, but now the memories invaded his brain and with it the ghost of a man who he desperately wanted to forget. He was bad at being honest about his true feelings, Isa always had been, so he did what he had done so many times. He put up a wall and pretended to be indifferent just maybe this time, Isa wasn’t sure it would work.
“I know you believe you had been the only one doing the dirty work and as that was probably true from the outside, I decided to do the same. I just took a different approach.” This was Saïx talking not Isa and he got the reaction he deserved.
“Are you serious? I heard the other’s making fun of you of being the boss’s pet, but I never believed it to be true. What’s wrong with you?!” Lea shoved him further away from him.
“Don’t you dare accuse me like that. We both did despicable things when we were in the Organization. We had to. I had to…” The last words came out way weaker than the first.
“No, you didn’t have to, Isa. I had your back. I told you I do the dirty work for you. I protected you. And now you tell me you fucked Xemnas to what? Find our friend? No, that was not necessary.” Lea was furious. Was he jealous? No, he was disappointed and if he found out the whole truth, he might leave him again.
“You don’t get to judge me! At least I didn’t forget why we joined the Organization in the first place while you ran off with those kids to have fun.” Isa’s own jealousy was still rooted deeply inside him, and he was embarrassed about it.
“Just stop it already! Seems like you had just enough fun yourself!”
“It had nothing to do with fun. What are you accusing me of?” Isa was hurt and afraid that they would fall back into old patterns now.
“So, you tell me you only slept with him once and he granted you all your wishes? C’mon Isa. What happened?” To his surprise Lea’s voice got softer again. “Apparently we’re talking about this now so let’s get it out.”
Isa had a lump in his throat. He looked at Lea and could still see the fire of anger and disappointment but behind that was a glimpse of concern and compassion.
“The first time, I didn’t think much of it. I just saw it as a way of getting to the top, to get information and maybe…” Should he really say it?
“What?” The atmosphere was cold and Isa knew he would not make this easier with his next words.
“It’s funny because he said we couldn’t feel anything, but he made me feel wanted. Something I always wanted from you, but you were slipping away from me.”
“Because you were not yourself. You had changed. I called you Isa then, but you were his, you were Saïx. And now I understand why.”
You’re thinking about him again? Do you want to forget? The illusion of friendship and love isn’t real. You don’t have a heart that can feel. But your body can. I have demonstrated you many times now. Don’t try to resist me…We both need this…
Xemnas had played him like a puppet back then and only now did Isa really see it. He had been manipulated by their boss into believing his lies about the lack of a heart. Of course he had felt something. Isa had suffered from loneliness, anger, hate, jealousy and loss. These were all real emotions and not just an echo of it. They had been too strong.
But he had trusted in what Xemnas had said and wanted his heart back more than anything just like Xemnas did and that’s when Isa had begun to believe that their boss was more than just an empty vessel. A huge mistake and Lea’s new friendship with Roxas and eventually Xion had driven Isa even more into Xemnas’s arms.
When he closed his eyes, Isa was taken back. It was if he was really there again, his body bent over the superior’s desk, a cold hand in his neck pressing him down while Xemnas’s dark and baritone voice whispered words of praise into his ear from behind.
How many times had he ended up in his arms after his supposedly only friend had left him behind?
“No, it’s not true. Only when you decided to replace me with Roxas and Xion, I went back to him for more. For attention, for praise and for…” Isa couldn’t say it. It was ridiculous and pathetic, and he knew it, but the word escaped his lips eventually. “Affection.”
“This man had never any affection for any of us. And certainly not you. Did you really think you meant something to him?” The disappointment was almost palpable.
“Do you really think I don’t know that?!” Isa raised his voice again. “I know I was pathetic. And then when I thought it was all over and I believed I was finally free, he pulled me back in and it started all over.” He covered his face with his hands again and a strange mixture of a chuckle and sobbing ended his confession.
When Isa stopped, Lea took his hand to look him in the eyes. “Why didn’t you talk to me? You behaved like a complete asshole in the Organization, but you could have come looking for me when it was over.” The disappointment was still there, but also the need for answers.
“I wanted to, but I was sure you hated me. You had turned your back on the Organization and me because of Roxas. Because of him you found your light again and I …I had nobody to go back to until…”
“Did Xemnas tell you that before he turned you back into a nobody? You rather wanted his approval instead of my forgiveness?”
He doesn’t need you anymore, Saïx. So, why not open your heart to the darkness again.
Xemnas had not been alone that time and their meeting had been very short-lived. But then after Xehanort’s first attempt to forge the ӽ-blade had failed, Isa was confronted with his former superior once again. He had not spent too much thought about how this was possible in the first place but instead had wondered if that was what he deserved. Isa had tried to convince himself that he was still looking for their missing friend, but the reality just couldn’t live up to that.
“I wanted your forgiveness more than anything. I wanted you since we were teenagers, Lea. Not many people liked me, but you just took my hand one day and decided that we were friends.”
It felt like they had been arguing for ages but only a few minutes had passed. The smile that now appeared on Isa’s face was mirroring what he was feeling for Lea. Now, with his shameful past as a Nobody out in the open, he just wanted his friend’s love and approval even more.
“Listen, Lea. I’m sorry for being so forceful before. I don’t want to use you just to forget. I’m not proud of what I did, and I’m still scared that one day he’ll be back, and I will lose the ground beneath my feet once more. I’m afraid of the power he has over me. You saw it with your own eyes at the keyblade graveyard. I was trying to kill you just because he told me to.”
For a second Isa hoped Lea would make a joke about how he was so much stronger than him and had nothing to fear, but that he didn’t, made it clear how serious this conversation really was.
“I think I understand you better now.” Lea instead began and his calmer tone reassured Isa that their fighting was over. “I don’t wanna lie to you, I’m shocked about what you told me. The idea of you and him…I actually don’t want to think about it.” He made a pause and then finally closed the distance between them, so their foreheads were touching.
“But I’m also sorry. We were still young when we turned into Nobodies and instead of really working together, we both did what we thought was best. I just got lucky because Roxas helped me understand that I was on the wrong path.” Isa tried not to feel offended, but his grudge against the kid had not completely vanished. Jealousy was a strong emotion.
“I was angry and disappointed in you, but I never wanted to drive you into Xemnas’s arms.”
Isa knew he couldn’t blame his friend for what happened or what he had done back in the Organization, but that Lea at least tried to take responsibility a little bit meant a lot to him.
“Listen to you, you have changed. Hanging out with those kids really made you grow up.” He chuckled and then smiled. Lea suddenly backed away.
“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” But he wasn’t really angry, Isa could hear it in his voice.
“It was a compliment.”
“You changed too.” Lea said and smiled.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. Really.” Isa though he was still referring to the past, but Lea quickly corrected him.
“No, I mean now. I thought I lost you as a friend and buried my dreams of you and I becoming more than that. But here we are and only because you finally opened up to me. So, I think you don’t need to be afraid. He’s gone and even if he’d come back, you’re stronger now,” then he smirked and gave him a quick kiss.
“And you got me, okay?”
Do you really think he has forgiven you for all you’ve done? I was the only one who really accepted you with all your failures and scars, because I really understand your anger.
Why was this man still in his head? This wasn’t fair. How could he make him disappear for good?
“Hey, what’s wrong?” After Isa had not reacted to his words, Lea brought him back to the present.
“He’s still here, Lea.” Maybe Isa was going crazy. They were already making up and now he pulled them back into the dark pit that was Isa’s mind.
“Look at me.” With both hands, Lea grabbed his head and made Isa look at him. “He’s gone!”
“No, he’s in my head. The moment I mentioned him to you, he was back, whispering to me. Making me remember what we did. I should’ve never brought it up. What if he’s not leaving again?” Isa was really desperate. The thought struck him suddenly and it frightened him. Maybe this was the punishment for his action, maybe after all he didn’t deserve to be happy.
“What’s he saying now?” Lea was completely serious, and Isa was incredibly grateful that he didn’t get upset again.
“That he’s the only one who understands me and that you will never forgive me for what I’ve done.”
“Do you really think that?” Isa found himself in a tight embrace. He could feel the comforting heat from Lea’s body. “Because it’s not true. I was by your side before him and I’m here now.”
Lea took a step back again, so he was able to look at Isa. “And I want to make something clear. I don’t care what happened between you and Xemnas in the past. You’re here with me now and that won’t change. I won’t lose you again. Got it memorized?”
This time Xemnas’s voice inside his head remained silent. Maybe this was all Isa had needed to hear, that Lea didn’t judge him, that he didn’t care that he had degraded himself to be Xemnas’s little plaything.
“I really don’t deserve you.” He took a deep shaky breath and then tried to smile. “But I’m happy you gave me a second chance.”
“And I’m happy you reconsidered your taste in men.” He was making jokes again. That was good.
Isa decided to play along and join their usual banter. It was time to ban the memory of Xemnas behind a wall of light-heartedness. So, Isa rolled his eyes and retorted. “I hope you can live up to it.”
“Oh, that’s more like it.” Lea said smugly and pulled Isa closer to him until their lips almost touched.
“Do you want me to continue where I left of?” Isa’s voice was deep, and his fear and uneasiness were slowly replaced by desire and affection for his friend, and he was so thankful for it.
“I do. We’ve waited way too long to do this.” The fact that Lea had been pining for Isa just as he had for him sent shivers down his spine. He leaned in and claimed Lea’s lips for good. This time he was not forceful. Isa was demanding but also passionate not wasting any more thoughts on Xemnas. This moment was only theirs and he would not share it with anyone.