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Hyunjin was walking down an empty street — or as empty as a street in the middle of Seoul could be. It was a random Wednesday night. The cold air was nearly painful against his skin. He hadn’t had time to grab his jacket; he just needed to leave. There was some faint music coming from a nearby pub, some laughter from an open window, and the cars driving by were loud — although everything feels loud in the silence of the night. His whole body was shaking from the cold — or from the tears that were running down his cheek.
His dad had called him earlier that night. He had been sitting in his room, a warm blanket over his shoulders. A cup of his favorite tea rested on the table in front of him. His phone was next to the tea, playing some music — loud enough to drown out distractions, but quiet enough to not become one itself. His drawing pad was in front of him as he quietly sketched.
He and Jeongin had gone on a walk around a nearby park earlier that day. It had been a long time since it was just the two of them. Hyunjin had taken a beautiful picture of Inni in front of a rose bush, and he just had to draw it.
Hyunjin was nearly done with the sketch when the music paused and the phone started ringing. He put his pencil down and looked at the display — it read “Dad.” He smiled as he answered; he hadn’t talked to his parents in a while since they’d been so busy with work. Hyunjin was just about to announce that he’d answered when his dad’s voice came through the phone.
“Hyunjin!” his dad said — nearly yelled at him. Hyunjin froze. His heart sank to the floor. He couldn’t remember ever hearing his dad sound this mad. “Explain the video Ijun sent to me.” Hyunjin didn’t know what his dad was talking about — what video his aunt had sent him? Hyunjin’s brain was working overtime, trying to figure out what it could be.
“What video?” he asked, trying to hide the slight fear in his voice.
“You’re hearing this, Eunji?” His dad said to his mother, who apparently was part of the conversation. “He doesn’t even know what video! God, how many times has he done this?” Hyunjin didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know what was happening. He just stared at the wall — he couldn’t answer his dad.
“Hyunjin,” his mom said, her voice soft and broken. Her sadness was worse than his dad’s anger — he had made his mother cry. “You were kissing Jeongin… Hyunjin, he’s such a sweet boy, why would you—” Her voice broke off with her own tears.
Hyunjin’s heart sank. There shouldn’t be a video of that. He didn’t even know when it was from. He wouldn’t kiss Jeongin in public — Jeongin wouldn’t let him. He wouldn’t want to. He’s always careful. He doesn’t understand how he fucked this up. He shouldn’t have kissed Jeongin to begin with. Fuck, he knows he shouldn’t kiss any of his friends — why did he think he could do that? He tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to stop his tears from falling.
“Nothing to say for yourself?” his dad said, sharp — like Hyunjin’s silence confirmed his worst fears. Hyunjin couldn’t answer. He was shaking. No sound left his mouth.
“This isn’t the way we raised you.” His mother’s voice was breaking him. And she was right — they didn’t raise him like that. He knows better. He shouldn’t kiss his friends, especially not because those friends are boys. All seven of them.
He knows there isn’t anything wrong with boys kissing boys. He wouldn’t be able to be part of Stray Kids if he were homophobic. He’s probably the only straight person in the group. And he is straight. He has to be. He can’t be anything else. His parents didn’t raise him any other way. He’s their only son.
“I can’t believe my son is a fag.” Hyunjin’s vision started to blur. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. His ears were ringing. He can’t. He could feel the taste of fear in his mouth. The air is too thick. His body was panicking.
“I’m not—” he started, trying to defend himself, putting too much energy into forcing the words out. He can’t stop shaking. “It’s just work.” He knows that’s not true. It’s so much more than just work. He would never kiss any of them in front of the camera — he barely even hugs them. His parents are already mad at him, and the walls are moving closer, too fast. Why don’t they stop? He can’t think straight. He can’t breathe. He lies. His brain is trying to protect him. He’s lost control.
“Work?” his mom said, and it was really hard for Hyunjin to focus on her voice. His ears are too loud. The walls are too close. He can’t breathe. “Then you should quit.” She said it so simply, like she didn’t understand how much Hyunjin loves his job — loves being an idol, loves his friends.
“Your mother is right,” his dad said. Hyunjin felt like throwing up. He needed to leave. “Either you stop playing fag on the internet, or you’re not our son anymore.” He didn’t know what to do. He can’t see anything. His dad was forcing him to choose — how is he supposed to choose? His head is going to explode. He can’t breathe.
“Don’t be stupid,” his mom’s voice said before the call went silent. But he can still hear his dad’s anger, his mom’s tears. He can’t breathe. He can’t stay here. His body is moving on its own. He left the room. He ran. He might have heard Changbin’s voice calling his name — he doesn’t remember. He just needed to leave.
He keeps on walking. He has no destination. He’s walking on autopilot, the memory of his dad’s voice still ringing in his ears. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to choose between his parents — the two people who have been with him from the beginning, who are supposed to always love him — or his friends, the people who have supported him from the moment he met them, the people he loves more than life itself, the people he doesn’t even question if they love him back. He can’t turn his back on any of them.
His legs had walked him to a bright overpass over the Han River, and he sits down on the railing. He can feel the cold of the metal through his clothes. He really wishes he had taken his jacket with him — he hates the cold. He lets his legs swing over the edge as he looks out over the river, which seems to mock him by its beauty. There are two ducks swimming in the water, and Hyunjin reaches for his phone to take a picture. He feels the fabric of his empty pocket around his hand… of course, he left his phone at home. He looks back at the ducks. They are just playing, diving under the surface and reappearing — their life is so easy. They don’t even know about the human watching over them.
Hyunjin wishes he could turn everything off. The air is still hard to breathe, his body still shaking, and he can still hear his dad’s angry voice, his mother’s tears, and the weight of the choice he has to make. He can’t stop thinking about the last time he had to choose between duty and happiness.
Hyunjin had shown up early to the JYPE building after one of their managers called him in for a meeting. They hadn’t said what it was about, and that didn’t exactly help his nerves. His mind was running a hundred miles an hour, desperately trying to figure out what might be wrong. He couldn’t remember doing anything bad — but that didn’t mean much. If a manager wanted to talk, something was wrong.
He stood in the corridor outside the small meeting room, breathing slowly, trying to calm himself down before finally opening the door. The warm air hit him like a wall, a sharp contrast to the cold A/C in the hallway, and it didn’t make the situation any better.
When Hyunjin stepped inside, he froze. Sitting at the table was Felix, looking just as nervous as Hyunjin felt. He wanted to hug him — to hold him and promise that everything was going to be okay — but Hyunjin had never been good at comforting people, especially not when he was this stressed himself.
“Mr. Hwang, please sit down.” Hyunjin wasn’t about to argue. He took the seat beside Felix as the manager sat down across from them. Hyunjin had never liked this manager — the man always spoke to them like they were puppets on strings, things he could control. Hyunjin could probably list at least one bad thing the manager had done to each member — well, except Chan. No one would dare be rude to JYP’s favorite.
“I’m disappointed,” the manager said, his sharp eyes locking on Hyunjin’s. The words made Hyunjin’s whole body tense. The man seemed to enjoy the power he held, his gaze shifting toward Felix instead. “I don’t know how you do things in Australia, but this is Korea. You can’t just act however you want.”
Felix looked completely confused — which was fair. The manager hadn’t actually said what they’d done wrong. Hyunjin couldn’t remember Felix doing anything that would cause this reaction, either. Then again, this was the manager — the one who seemed to hate all of them for one reason or another. There probably wasn’t any real issue. It was probably just like all the other times — like when he got mad at Minsung for being too clingy.
“I already have to deal with Lee and Han, and the only reason I allow it is because the fans like it.” Oh. So it was exactly like that. That should have calmed him down — he knows it’s just the manager being stupid — but it didn’t. He had a bad feeling about this. The only reason management had stopped bothering Minsung about it was because Jisung and Minho simply didn’t care. They never listened, never changed, and that made them strong — stronger than Hyunjin ever felt.
“But two people acting all queer is enough,” the manager continued, sounding angry. Hyunjin took a deep breath. He wanted to disappear. He fixed his eyes on the table; he felt so small. He hated this. He had never once Questioned being close to Felix or any of his other friends. He knew Stays shipped them, but he never thought anyone actually believed it — that anyone might actually think he was queer. His hands were shaking. The warmth of the room felt unbearable.
Hyunjin didn’t really have friends growing up — he never learned what friendships were supposed to look like, or what was considered normal. But being clingy, being touchy, that felt right to him. It was safe. It was real. He didn’t want to question it.
“Me and Hyunjin don’t act any different toward each other than we do with the others,” Felix said calmly. And Hyunjin didn’t understand how. How Felix could sound so calm, how he could sit there and act like words didn’t hurt — like he didn’t care what people thought. Hyunjin couldn’t breathe.
“Lee Youngbok, the fans notice — and that’s reason enough for this to stop,” the manager said sharply. Then he turned toward Hyunjin, who still refused to look up. He wouldn’t meet the man’s eyes — he knew the manager enjoyed this. Enjoyed how small he could make Hyunjin feel, how panicked. “You can’t just act like disgusting fags. Think about your careers,” he finally said, voice filled with anger. Then he left. The door slammed shut, and the sound made Hyunjin flinch.
He felt Felix’s hand rest gently on his knee — warm, grounding. Not like the heat in the room, which burned. Hyunjin wasn’t queer. He couldn’t be.
“Hyunjin.” Felix’s voice cut through the silence, piercing the loud noise inside Hyunjin’s head. He didn’t look up. He didn’t want to see Felix’s face — didn’t deserve the comfort in his eyes. “He’s just an idiot. Nothing he said means anything,” Felix said.
Hyunjin wished he believed that. He wished it was that easy. Maybe for Felix it was that easy. Felix grew up in Australia, where no one gave a fuck. Minho didn’t care. Jisung didn’t care. But Hyunjin… he was the only one who got affected. The only one who was weak.
“I’m not gay,” Hyunjin said — more to himself than to Felix. He felt Felix’s hand tense for a moment before relaxing again. Hyunjin told himself not to read into it. Felix hadn’t even asked. He hadn’t questioned anything. Hyunjin knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, but he just needed Felix to believe him. Needed him to know that Hyunjin wasn’t like that.
“Okay,” Felix said softly — too softly, like they hadn’t just been yelled at by a manager who questioned their friendship, like Hyunjin wasn’t sitting there barely able to breathe. “Can I hug you?” Felix asked. Felix never asked for hugs. He just took them. And Hyunjin always let him, because he loved Felix’s hugs. There was nothing in the world he wanted more right now than to feel that warmth.
“No,” Hyunjin said — the word slipping out against his own will. “I can’t.” He didn’t even know why. Accepting the hug felt like accepting a part of himself he wasn’t ready to face. Felix slowly pulled his hand away, probably thinking Hyunjin wanted to be alone. If only he knew how much Hyunjin’s heart was screaming for that touch — how much it ached over the cold spot left on his knee where Felix’s hand had been just moments before. But he couldn’t ask for it. He shouldn’t.
He had to choose between making other people happy or making himself happy. he didn’t want to think about why it affected him so much, so he chose to just listen — to be good, to ignore his feelings. He chose wrong. He didn’t just stop being touchy and clingy in front of strangers or cameras; he stopped in private too. He stopped cuddling his friends, stopped jokingly flirting with them, leaned away every time someone tried to kiss his cheek. Eventually, they stopped trying. They all stopped. Until the manager was fired.
Hyunjin never told anyone what happened during that meeting, but he suspected Felix did because no one questioned it when Hyunjin started to pull away, and it wasn’t long before Chan had that manager removed.
After that, the others slowly started to include Hyunjin in cuddles again — and Hyunjin let them. Everything went back to normal. Except for Hyunjin’s refusal to do anything in front of a camera. He didn’t want people to question him again. He couldn’t go through that twice.
But now here he is — sitting on a cold railing over the Han River, unable to stop shaking, all because he thought he could be happy with his friends without people questioning it. Because he wasn’t careful enough. And somehow, there’s a video of him kissing Jeongin for the whole world to see. He doesn’t know what to do.
He doesn’t want his parents to hate him. Is he really going to choose his friends over them? His friends — is that really all they are? Just friends? It doesn’t feel like it.
No he’s stupid. He shouldn’t think about that. He’s so fucking stupid. That’s exactly how he ended up in this situation. Of course they’re just friends. Otherwise… his parents are right. And he’s not—
“Excuse me?” Hyunjin turned around, startled, and saw a woman standing a few steps away. She looked out of place under the streetlamp — too neat, too composed to be wandering alone at this hour. “Are you okay?” she asked. Her voice was soft, but there was a hint of uncertainty in it — the kind people get when they’re not sure if they should get involved.
That’s when Hyunjin realized what this must look like. He was sitting on the railing, legs dangling over the edge, shoulders shaking as he cries. He could only imagine what she was thinking.
“I’m okay. Thanks,” Hyunjin said quietly, turning back toward the river. He knew he didn’t sound convincing, but he didn’t have the energy to pretend. The woman hesitated for a moment, then stepped closer, resting her elbows on the railing beside him. They were both looks out at the river. the city lights reflecting off the water.
“That’s believe,” she said softly. Hyunjin already know she was right.
“My parents want me to quit my job and leave my friends.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. He shouldn’t have said that. She was a stranger. And he was an idol the chances of her recognizing him were too high. But at this point, he didn’t care. His life is already falling apart.
“Are your friends bad, like hardcore drug lords?” she said jokingly, and that made Hyunjin laugh. For the first time that night, his chest felt a little lighter.
“No,” he said softly. “They are the kindest people,” he said, smiling as he thought about his friends.
He thinks about Jeongin — who loves taking random walks with him around the city, talking about anything and nothing. Jeongin, who pretends not to like the art gallery Hyunjin drags him to. Jeongin, who sometimes calls him in the middle of the night just to say goodnight. Jeongin, who lets Hyunjin be way too clingy.
He’s thinking about Seungmin — who pretends to hate hugs but never actually refuses one from him. Seungmin, who is by far the funniest person Hyunjin knows. Seungmin, who would stay awake until God knows what hour just because Hyunjin needs to talk. Seungmin, who never complains when Hyunjin gets stuck in his own head and acts like an idiot.
He’s thinking about Felix — who is patient enough to teach him English. Felix, who loves flirting with him regardless of who is around. Felix, who never made Hyunjin feel out of place. Felix, who helps him when he’s too shy to talk to strangers. Felix, who would never leave him, even if Stay thinks he has.
He’s thinking about Jisung — who always comes back to him, even after a fight. Jisung, who loves walking around with him doing stupid things that always get them in trouble. Jisung, who matches his stupid in just the right amount. Jisung, who never makes him feel like he’s too much.
He’s thinking about Changbin — who always makes waking up fun because they live together and get to see each other every day. Changbin, who never closes his door because Hyunjin is always welcome. Changbin, who always asks him to go to the gym, even though he knows the answer will be no. Changbin, who never pushes him when he’s too overwhelmed by his emotions.
He’s thinking about Minho — who somehow always knows when he’s feeling sad. Minho, who promised to never let him feel alone. Minho, who Hyunjin annoys a little too much, but still Stays. Minho, who doesn’t care about other people’s opinions. Minho, who refuses to let Hyunjin get lost in his own head and always shows him the way back to reality.
And he’s thinking about Chan — who chose him even when he wasn’t good at singing in the beginning. Chan, who always makes sure he’s comfortable. Chan, who he had so much fun with when recording Red Light and Escape. Chan, who is the best leader anyone could ask for — and always does everything to protect the others.
He doesn’t want to lose any of them. He doesn’t even know what his life would be without them. He loves them — every single one of them. Just thinking about them makes him feel warm, even though the air around him is still cold. They make him feel safe. He blushes slightly as he thinks about them.
He’s made his choice. Losing his parents would hurt, but losing the people he’s in love with would break him. In love with — because he was. And it wasn’t worth denying it anymore. He’s in love with them.
“Then it’s probably an easy choice,” the woman said, pulling him out of his thoughts — back to reality, back to the cold railing over the river.
“I have to go,” Hyunjin said, turning around and jumping down from the railing. The woman let out a breath of relief. “Thanks,” he told her quietly before walking away.
Hyunjin stood in the hallway outside Chan’s studio. He didn’t know for sure that Chan would be here — after all, he had left his phone at home — but Chan was always here. Hyunjin didn’t open the door right away. He didn’t know what to say. He could have gone anywhere else; he already knew he had to tell someone. He shouldn’t be stuck in his head, and he needed someone to know about his choice, but that someone didn’t have to be Chan.
Before he could convince himself that Chan wasn’t inside, he heard some noise from the room. Now he had no excuse. He took a deep breath and opened the door.
The room was warm, a sharp contrast to the col outside. Hyunjin had always liked this room — Jeongin, Changbin, and Chan had made sure it was comfortable, considering all the hours they spent here. A couple of empty coffee cups sat on the table, evidence of how long Chan had probably been here today. Chan turned around when he heard the door open. He looked tired, almost worried. Hyunjin didn’t like that at all.
“Hyunjin,” Chan said, rising from his chair and hugging him hard, refusing to let go, like he was scared Hyunjin would disappear. “Where the fuck have you been?” His words sounded angry, but his voice was soft, almost like he could cry. Hyunjin didn’t know how to react; he didn’t even know why Chan was worried. He hadn’t told him anything yet.
“What?” he asked. Chan pulled away slightly, still holding Hyunjin’s shoulders, and looked him straight in the eyes.
“What do you mean, ‘what’?” he said, shocked at Hyunjin shock “Binnie called me in a panic four hours ago, saying you left the dorm crying without your jacket or phone.” Hyunjin chest tightens. He hadn’t realized it had been four hours since he left, no wonder Chan had been so stressed. Hyunjin had literally disappeared he didn’t even have to imagine how worried Chan was he himself had been on Chan’s side of this back when Jisung had disappeared. “I’m sorry,” he said, ashamed, leaning forward to hug Chan. “I didn’t mean to worry you,” he whispered into Chan’s shoulder, he can’t believe he fucking up again.
“Where have you been?” Chan asked, calming slightly now that he knew Hyunjin was physically okay.
“My parents… they asked me to quit Stray Kids.” The exact moment those words left his lips, Hyunjin broke down in Chan’s arms. Getting them out felt like a weight lifted — he didn’t have to carry it alone anymore. There was no going back now. He didn’t want to go back. He was sick of lying to himself, sick of lying to them.
“Oh,” Chan said and tightened the grip around him. Hyunjin didn’t know what was happening in Chan’s head, but whatever it was, the arms around him felt stable, felt safe, felt like home. “Are you?” And Hyunjin could hear the slight panic in Chan’s voice.
“I’m not,” he said. He could feel Chan’s arms relaxing when he said that, which made him hesitate to continue speaking — but he knew he had to. “But when I left the dorm I wasn’t sure what to do.” Chan tensed a little again. Hyunjin felt a little bad — he hadn’t even thought about the fact that leaving wouldn’t just hurt him, it would hurt them too.
“What made you decide?” Chan asked, and Hyunjin could no longer analyze the voice the leader was using.
“I…” He started pulling away from the hug. “I think…” He looked down at the floor, no longer able to look Chan in the eyes. He knew he probably didn’t have to say it. Now that he had accepted that he loved them, he realized that the others already knew, and he would never question their love for him. But he still felt like he had to say it, so there was no question anymore.
“I’m in love with you… all of you,” Hyunjin whispered, and all the blood in his body flowed up to his face. He could feel how red he was, how warm he was.
“Jinni,” Chan said softly, and Hyunjin could hear the smile on his lips. “Look at me.” He slowly raised his head to look into his oldest lover’s eyes They were filled with determination and love. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that,” he said softly, and Hyunjin did have an idea.
“I’m stupid,” he said quietly. “I’ve probably been in love with you from the beginning.” Chan just smiled at him. “It just took my parents disowning me for me to realize,” hyunjin said Laughing a little because there isn’t anything else to do. Chan’s soft eyes could probably melt him right now.
“Your parents suck. They don’t deserve you,” he said, hugging Hyunjin again. “And just for your information, we all, all eight of us have been in a relationship from the start. We’ve just been waiting for you to catch up on that.” Hyunjin laughed. He loved his boyfriends, and he loved that he could finally call them that