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Despite being the middle of the afternoon, Tommy was laying in bed wide awake. Under normal circumstances this would be highly unusual for him, but the circumstances were far from, and he just couldn't bring himself to do anything but lay in bed in what was essentially a catatonic state.
Tommy’s phone pinged on the bedside table telling him one of his outdoor security cameras had detected motion. He didn't bother looking at the notification- it was most likely just the usual daily check-in from the rotating list of unwanted, well-meaning visitors.
Sure enough a moment later the keypad on the front door beeped as the code was entered, then someone entered the house. Tommy rolled over in bed so he was turned away from his bedroom door, hoping today's visitor would take the hint much better than Sal had yesterday.
There was a soft knock on the open bedroom door. “Tommy?” Maddie said gently.
Tommy said nothing and didn't move. Maybe he'd get lucky and she would assume he was sleeping and leave him alone.
Unfortunately Maddie did not take the hint and came around the other side of the bed to look at Tommy, frowning at Tommy when she saw him.
“Just leave me alone, Maddie, please.” Tommy rasped, his voice rough due to dehydration and excessive crying last night. “I don't want to talk about it.”
Maddie then did something Tommy didn't expect, and climbed into the bed next to him. Everyone else had been trying to get him out of bed, she was the first to join him instead. After a couple of minutes Maddie asked, “Have you eaten today?”
“A bit.” Tommy told her after a moment. “Probably not as much as I should but,” Tommy swallowed hard as tears stung his eyes again.
“But?” Maddie gently prompted.
Tommy ran his hand over his growing belly. “All he wants is Evan’s protein cookies. I can hardly keep anything else down.” Tommy whispered. “And the stash in the freezer ran out last night.”
Maddie nodded in understanding. She pulled out her phone and began typing on it. “Your niece and nephew each put me through something similar. I get it.” She explained and quickly set her phone back down.
“I swear I'm trying but it's hard Maddie.” Tommy did his best to ignore the sting of tears in his eyes.
Maddie reached out and took one of Tommy’s hands and gave it a squeeze. “I know, it’s okay.” She promised, even if she was still worried. Her phone buzzed and she looked at it quickly, then turned back to Tommy. “Bobby’s gonna use Buck’s recipe and make you guys some more cookies- I know he’s not Buck so they may not be perfect, but he did teach Buck everything he knows in the kitchen, so I think you’ll be in good hands.”
Tommy tried to blink back a fresh wave of tears as he nodded in understanding.
“I’m gonna go get you some water- that’s non-negotiable-, is there anything else you’d be up to eating right now?” Maddie asked.
“Sal brought soup yesterday, it’s in the fridge.” Tommy told her.
“Got it.” Maddie gave a small smile and got up.
After Tommy ate, drank some water, and used the washroom, he thought Maddie would’ve left but she didn’t and even if he did feel he wanted to be left alone he didn’t hate her being there either.
“Bobby says he’ll stop by in a little while with the protein cookies.” Maddie broke the silence that had fallen over them. “He just wants to try and help, Tommy, that’s what we all want, and I’m sure Buck would want you to accept our help.”
Tommy swallowed hard and said nothing.
Maddie pursed her lips for a moment. “What’s weighing on you the most right now?”
Tommy was caught off guard by the question. All everyone had been asking him was ‘how are you doing?’ or something similar- something vague and also pretty unnecessary- obviously he was not doing well. “I don’t know how to do this without him.” Tommy finally confessed.
Maddie nodded and waited to see if Tommy would elaborate on his own.
“You know me and Doctor Turner are the only ones who’ve felt him move?” Tommy did eventually start to explain. “I haven’t let anyone else, because Evan should get to be the first- it’s his kid in there after all. But what if… What if it turns out there was no reason to, you know? And I- I do love my son but I don’t know if I can be a good dad to him without Evan here too.”
“I-” Maddie didn’t quite seem sure where to start. “I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for you, Tommy, and believe me, I want Buck to be here with you raising your son more than anything. But even if it turns out he’s not going to be, I really do believe you’ll be a good dad, and you definitely won’t be raising him alone.”
Tommy swallowed hard. “We never discussed names. The nursery’s not done, nothing’s ready. And the clock is ticking but I don’t want to do anything without Evan because what if I do and the next day he gets back and is upset he missed it?”
“I know, but you can’t wait forever Tommy.” Maddie reminded him. “It’s already been nearly a month, and you’re in the third trimester now. I know you probably wish you could just hit pause until you at least know but you can’t.”
“They should’ve found him by now.” Tommy shook his head. “I never should’ve taught him how to fly- none of this would’ve happened if-”
“Hey, no.” Maddie cut him off and gently touched his hand. “None of this is your fault in any way, okay? It was a freak accident, no one could’ve predicted it.”
Tommy just hummed non-commitally in response and fell silent again.
Maddie was still there when Bobby arrived with the protein cookies and went to the door to meet Bobby.
“How’s he doing today?” Bobby asked as he handed over a large tupperware of the cookies.
“I mean he opened up about some of his fears, which was good,” Maddie started. “But it’s- he’s just getting worse and worse. I mean I know part of it is the bedrest his doctor recommended but, he’s not the same man he was when Evan first went missing.”
Tommy quickly shrugged out of Lucy’s grip on his shoulder. “My husband’s helicopter crashed.” Tommy said forcefully. “I’m going looking for him.”
“Tommy, you haven’t flown since you found out about the pregnancy.” Lucy argued.
“Just because I’m knocked up doesn’t mean I forgot how to fly. And I’m still in the second trimester, which is when my doctor said flying is the safest.” Tommy pointed out.
“That still doesn’t mean you can take a chopper for your own search and rescue mission. You’ve managed to keep your job despite two helicopter thefts but I really don’t think you have another shot.” Lucy tried. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Buck to be found- she did, desperately- but she knew Tommy wasn’t in a rational state of mind, and the last thing they needed was Tommy getting hurt or worse trying to save Buck from the same thing.
“I don’t care about my job. I can get a new job, what I can’t do is just replace Evan.” Tommy argued. “I’m getting in that damn chopper.” Tommy began making a beeline for the helicopter, until a tight and sharp pain in his stomach stopped him in his tracks and nearly brought him to his knees.
“Tommy?” Lucy rushed to his side. “What’s wrong?”
“I-” Tommy swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths. “I’m fine.” He said through gritted teeth before a new wave of pain ripped through his mid-section and actually brought him to his knees this time.
“You’re clearly not.” Lucy argued as she helped him to the ground and made sure he didn’t hurt himself or the baby. In doing so she happened to touch his belly and found it rock hard. “You’re having a contraction.”
“Can’t be, I’m only twenty-four weeks.” Tommy reminded her, completely in denial of what was happening.
“Doesn’t matter, extreme stress can trigger contractions and even pre-term labor.”
“It could just be a braxton-hicks.” Tommy tried next.
“It’s too early for that.” Lucy shot back.
In the end, the contraction kept Tommy from going up in the chopper, and a couple more subsequent contractions bought Tommy an emergency room visit which his obstetrician was consulted on. He wound up bedrest on account of high blood pressure and the risk of preterm labor. At first Tommy resisted and everyone had to convince him to listen to Dr Turner- not knowing that in just a couple weeks they’d be begging him to get out of bed for just a few minutes like his doctor had not only allowed but recommended.
A few more weeks passed and Tommy was getting worse. Maddie just happened to arrive while Dr Turner was there doing a house-call, which wasn’t something she normally did but she was making an exception given the circumstances.
Maddie didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she still heard a bit of what was said anyway and stopped in the hallway towards Tommy’s room to listen.
“Tommy, you’ve lost more weight, I understand you’re going through something very difficult, but for your sake and especially your son’s you need to be gaining weight.” Dr Turner reminded Tommy.
“I know.” Tommy mumbled.
“We had this same conversation last time, and yet it’s not gotten any better.” Dr Turner seemed unimpressed.
“I know.” Tommy whispered.
“Your son needs you-” Dr Turner started.
“What my son needs is his other father, he just unfortunately got stuck with me instead.” Tommy shot back in- what had quickly become a rare- burst of energy.
Dr Turner took a second before responding, seeming to not let Tommy’s outburst get to her. “If your weight does not start trending upwards, Tommy, I’ll have to recommend more drastic and invasive measures to ensure you and your son get the nutrition you both need.” Dr Turner insisted.
“Understood.” Tommy promised with a guilty tone.
Maddie stepped away from the hall back into the living room and sent out a text to the group chat that included everyone who’d been helping keep an eye on Tommy.
| Maddie: Tommy needs to start eating a lot more, he’s losing weight. We gotta find ways to sneak extra calories/nutrition into his diet…
Soon Dr Turner left and Maddie approached Tommy’s room. “Hey, how was your appointment with Dr Turner?” She asked non-chalantly.
“Everything’s fine.” Tommy shrugged.
Maddie nodded slowly and sat on the edge of Tommy’s bed. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but is there anything- I mean anything- I can do to help or at least make things easier for you?”
“No.” Tommy insisted.
“Okay.” Maddie just nodded even though she was terrified for her brother-in-law and unborn nephew.
Tommy turned and resumed staring up at the ceiling, once again going over the events of the day Evan went missing in his head.
Evan, having been trained by Tommy and certified to fly helicopters, was covering for his husband at Harbor while Tommy was grounded due to the pregnancy. The day had started like any other day, Evan left for work with a chaste kiss on Tommy’s lips, an ‘I love you’ to Tommy and their son, and a promise to be safe.
A short while later Tommy also ended up at Harbor doing some of the behind-the-scenes administrative work he’d taken on during his pregnancy to get him out of the house and keep him from losing his mind to boredom.
“Evan around?” Tommy wondered as he approached Lucy in the hangar, he was dressed in the typical LAFD uniform slacks and branded t-shirt which was stretched across his growing belly.
Lucy shook her head. “Search and Rescue mission outside city limits. Park rangers requested our help due to a high volume of cases today and staffing issues.”
“Fun.” Tommy said sarcastically.
“Oh so much.” Lucy chuckled. “How ya doing today? How’s the parasite?”
“I’m good. My son, is also good- his kicks are getting stronger everyday, I swear any day now someone else will be able to feel him.” Tommy insisted.
“217 Base, this is Chopper 1746, come in,” Evan’s voice requested over the radio.
“Chopper 1746, this is 217 Base,” One of Tommy and Lucy’s colleagues responded.
“Base, we’ve located our stranded hikers, there appears to be significant injuries. High-winds are making a successful winch rescue unlikely, and there isn’t a sufficient place to land the chopper. We’ll need ground assistance for the extraction.” Evan explained over the radio
“Copy you Chopper 1746. We are alerting Park Rangers of your status now.”
Tommy and Lucy half listened to the radio as they chatted about other things. Evan and his aeromedics on board decided that the aeromedics would rappel down to their stranded hikers and provide first aid and stay until park rangers arrived for ground-transport.
Several minutes later, after the aeromedics had safely made it down to the hikers, Evan’s voice came over the radio again. “217 Base, this is Chopper 1746, winds are getting much stronger. I’ll need to leave the scene and land until the winds die down.”
“Copy, Chopper 1746.”
Less than two minutes later Evan’s voice came over the radio again. “Mayday Mayday Mayday, this is chopper 1746, extreme winds have resulted in loss of control of the chopper. Repeat I have lost control and believe I will crash.”
Tommy’s eyes went wide.
The person manning the 217’s radio began going through a checklist with Evan of things to do to try and regain control, but all attempts were failing. Tommy raced to the radio room and grabbed the radio. “Evan, it’s Tommy, listen to me, try to-”
“217 base … breaking up,” Evan’s voice sounded scared now and his transmission came through choppy. “...off-course… may be out of range.”
“Evan, Chopper 1746, do you copy?” Tommy asked frantically.
Evan’s response was again choppy and cutting in-and-out. “ … base … losing altitude … gonna crash …”
“Evan?!” Tommy shouted over the radio.
Nothing.
“Chopper 1746, do you copy?” Tommy tried again.
Silence.
“Evan, are you there?!” Tommy said as he wiped away fears that continued spilling down his cheeks.
“I don’t think I can do this.” Tommy admitted to Hen a few days later.
“Do what?” Hen frowned as she continued folding Tommy’s laundry- the laundry had been being neglected and she’d gotten tired of looking at the growing pile. She made sure she was careful not to touch anything of Buck’s, but washed what had to have been every pair of sweatpants and every hoodie Tommy owned.
“This,” Tommy gestured to his stomach. “I can’t do it without Evan.”
Hen frowned and stopped folding laundry. “I know it’s scary but I really don’t think you have much of a choice.”
“I was raised by a single parent- by my dad- the only thing that man taught me about parenting is what not to do. Some people make really good single parents, but I’m not one of those people.” Tommy insisted.
Hen was quite concerned hearing this- she understood Tommy’s fears completely and they were completely valid, but what scared her is what he may do as a result. “I know it’s not the same, but you won’t be alone, you’ll have all of us.” Hen reminded him.
“I’m trying to pull myself out of this slump, I swear, I just- I don’t know how, and he deserves better.” Tommy said quietly.
“Everything will work out, one way or another,” Hen insisted. “We’ve got your back, we won’t let you fail.”
Tommy tried to take comfort in that, he really did, but part of him was almost certain that no matter what, he’d fail anyway.
“They found his chopper.” Lucy informed Tommy the next day after the crash.
Tommy swallowed hard. “Is he…?” Tommy couldn’t stand the thought.
“No. No. They found the chopper but they didn’t find him.” Lucy explained. “The radio was busted and certainly out of range with Harbor anyway. The theory now is that he not only survived the crash but sustained minimal injuries and walked-off the crash site.”
“That doesn’t make sense. Evan- he should know it’d be easier to find him if he stayed with the chopper.” Tommy frowned.
“Well the location of where they found the chopper got pretty cold last night, it’s possible he stayed there for a while and then eventually walked off for a lower elevation where it’d be warmer. Or perhaps he was concerned about the fuel tank combusting after the crash and decided to clear the area.” Lucy suggested.
“Or he has a head injury and isn’t thinking clearly.” Tommy argued, as much as he wanted to be optimistic, he had to be a realist about this.
Finally a couple more weeks passed and due to the fact that Tommy’s due date was rapidly approaching, he caved and let Sal, Chimney, and Hen tackle finishing setting up the nursery. He spent the entire day and the next just hoping Evan would show up, or that Tommy would at least get a call that they’d found Evan, but alas, nothing.
“The nursery looks really good.” Bobby commented as he brought a tray of food into Tommy’s room for him.
“It was all Evan’s plan.” Tommy said after a moment. “Hen executed it pretty well- maybe not exactly how Evan planned, but…”
“Well you can always adjust things if needed, or Buck can when he gets home.” Bobby pointed out.
“If.” Tommy corrected.
“They have thoroughly searched the area multiple times, with thermal cams, search and rescue teams, dogs, you name it. They haven’t found anything- which is a good thing.”
“Or it means nothing at all. It’s been months Bobby.” Tommy pointed out. “He could’ve wound up far beyond the search area and still be- be lost out there. Or maybe animals got to him and there will never be any remains to find.”
Bobby frowned.
“Trust me, I don’t want to give up hope, but I know my husband, and if he was alive, he would’ve found his way home by now.” Tommy insisted.
Bobby nodded slightly, he hated to admit it, but Tommy most likely did have a point.
“Almost all of us are going out there today to join the search party. Me, Diaz, Bobby, Hen, Maddie, Chimney, Panikkar, Sergeant Grant, Sergeant Grant’s kids, Sal, Gina, my brothers,” Lucy rattled off to Tommy as she explained over the phone, early in the morning a few days after the helicopter crash.
“I should be there.” Tommy started.
“You’re on bedrest. You need to stay home and rest, we’ll call as soon as there’s any news.” Lucy insisted.
“Lucy,” Tommy tried to argue.
“When I get there I’m telling the registration people to deny you from joining the search party, and if I find out you tried so help me god-”
“You’re joking, right?” Tommy asked.
“I’m sorry, I’m dead serious.” Lucy insisted.
The day after Tommy hit 38 weeks along was the 12 week anniversary of Evan’s disappearance, and Tommy’s body decided to mark the anniversary with contractions- serious ones. Despite the pain, he did all he could to ignore them. It wasn’t time yet, Tommy wasn’t due for another two weeks and he still had no definitive answer on Evan. One way or the other, Tommy could not give birth until he at least knew. Either Evan was alive and Tommy needed to hold on so Evan wouldn’t miss the birth of his son, or Evan was dead. Tommy hoped that if he ignored the contractions and pretended this wasn’t happening they’d go away- turn out to be practice contractions, something.
Maddie arrived around lunch time and as usual found Tommy in his bed, only this time something else was clearly going on. “Tommy?” To Maddie it looked like Tommy was in pain. “What’s going on?”
“It’s nothing.” Tommy said through gritted teeth. “I’m fine.” He panted as the contraction finally let up a few seconds later.
Maddie crossed her arms, not buying it for a second. “It seems to me you’re having contractions.”
“They’re just Braxton-Hicks.” Tommy insisted.
“How long have these Braxton-Hicks been going on for?” Maddie wondered.
“A while.” Tommy said vaguely.
“How frequent are they?” Maddie asked next.
“Not sure.” Tommy admitted.
Maddie frowned and looked at the time. “Tell me when the next one starts, please.”
“Fine.” Tommy huffed.
About seven minutes later, Tommy confessed to Maddie he was having another one only because the pain was getting stronger and he couldn’t hide it.
Maddie timed it, and the next, and there was almost certainly no way they were Braxton Hicks. “Tommy these are real, and close enough together that it’s time to go to the hospital.”
“No,” Tommy shook his head, still in the middle of a contraction. “Not without Evan.”
“I know you don’t want Evan to miss it, but you don’t have a choice anymore. Your son is coming, whether you’re ready for him or not.” Maddie insisted.
“I can’t do this without him.” Tears started welling in Tommy’s eyes.
“You’re gonna have to.” Maddie tried to fight back her own tears. “But you won’t be alone, okay? I promise, I’m not gonna leave your side unless you want me to.”
“I’m scared.” Tommy confessed.
“I know.” Maddie assured him. “But I’ve got you, and our family and our friends have got you.”
For the first few hours at the hospital Tommy seemed to be handling things fairly well all things considered. Unfortunately just when Dr Turner deemed it time to start pushing, Tommy started resisting again- scared all over again, inconsolable, and refusing to do it without Evan.
“I can’t do this.” Tommy told them. “I won’t. Not without Evan- at least not until I know.”
“You don’t have a choice, Tommy,” Dr Turner started. “Whether you want it or not your son is ready to make his debut.”
Tommy shook his head as more tears spilled down his face. “I can’t.”
Maddie’s phone started vibrating in her back pocket and she quickly declined the call one-handed without looking, focused on letting Tommy squeeze her hand and dabbing his forehead with a damp cloth.
“I know you’re scared, and you miss Buck, but right now your son needs you. He needs you to be strong and brave right now, Tommy.” Dr Turner urged. “Another contraction is coming and it’s time to push now.”
Tommy refused to push that contraction or the next, despite consistent urging and pleading from Maddie and Dr Turner, while Maddie’s phone rang a couple more times in her pocket until she turned it off altogether- whoever wanted an update on Tommy was just going to have to wait.
Maddie stepped away from Tommy’s bedside for a moment to rewet the cloth and Dr Turner approached Maddie, their backs to Tommy.
“I hate to say it,” Dr Turner said quietly. “But if Tommy doesn’t start co-operating soon we’re gonna have to resort to more drastic measures for the sake of your nephew’s health and life.”
“Drastic measures like what?” Maddie looked at Dr Turner worried.
“An emergency court-order to do a c-section with or without his consent. I really hope it doesn’t come to that, but I don’t see how we can avoid it without a miracle at that rate.” Dr Turner frowned.
Maddie looked back at Tommy. “Let me try talking to him?”
“If you think it’ll help, you can do just about anything.” Dr Turner insisted.
Maddie nodded and re-approached Tommy’s bedside, her back to the door. She dabbed at his forehead with the wash cloth again. “Tommy, listen to me very carefully, please.”
“Maddie I can’t-” Tommy started, cheeks tear stained and eyes filled with terror.
“You have to.” Maddie told him. “You have to, or else at this rate you’re gonna risk hurting him, and then Dr Turner will be forced to do a c-section whether she has your consent or not.” Maddie explained.
“They can’t-” Tommy started.
“They can.” Maddie said solemnly. “And if they don’t have your consent, then they’ll put you under general anesthesia, which means you won’t be awake for the birth of your son, and-”
“Evan,” Tommy murmured, looking past Maddie.
“He won’t be there either.” Maddie nodded.
“Evan?!” Tommy suddenly called out.
Maddie turned around, confused, just in time to see her brother come crashing into the room.
“Tommy.” Buck wasted no time getting to his husband’s side and wrapping his arms around Tommy and kissing Tommy’s forehead. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t there,”
If it wasn’t for the very real, very solid weight of Evan in Tommy’s arms he’d worry he was hallucinating. Evan was missing some of his bulk- he’d clearly lost weight- but it was undoubtedly Evan. “I thought…” Tommy started, overcome with emotions.
Buck didn’t need to hear Tommy finish the sentence. “I know, I know, I’m sorry,”
“What-” Tommy didn’t even know where to start. “How- ah!” He couldn’t help yelping out as another contraction started.
Dr Turner took her position at the foot of Tommy’s bed. “Alright, Tommy, you got your wish, Buck’s here, we really gotta do this now.”
Tommy nodded in agreement, gripped Evan’s and Maddie’s hands tightly and began pushing as Dr Turner instructed and within minutes, the sound of a newborn’s cries pierced the room.
“It’s a boy!” Dr Turner announced.
Tommy slumped back against the bed, exhausted and relieved beyond relief. “He’s really here? He’s okay?”
“He’s really here,” Dr Turner smiled. “He’s a little small- but that’s alright- ten fingers, ten toes, and absolutely beautiful, why don’t you see for yourself,” She said and placed the baby on Tommy’s chest.
Tommy cried in relief as his hands moved to hold his son, Evan’s hands over his. The baby’s crying slowed then stopped once he was settled in Tommy’s arms. Just like Dr Turner said, he was beautiful, with a full head of Evan’s curly hair, brilliant dark blue eyes, and cupid’s bow lips. Tommy didn’t even have words to describe how relieved he was that the baby was fine and that Evan was there and was fine too. He also couldn’t help but feel guilty for how he’d risked his son’s health- his son’s life- the last several weeks, as well as for how detached he’d been from his son and the pregnancy.
“He’s perfect Tommy,” Buck smiled and kissed Tommy’s head. “You did so good.”
Tommy looked up at Evan, he wasn’t ready to get into everything he was feeling at the moment, so he stuck with the easy stuff. “I’m just glad you got to be here and you’re okay.”
“Me too.” Buck nodded quickly and leaned down to kiss his husband on the lips.
“I’ll give you two some time, go update everyone with the good news.” Maddie said and saw herself out.
Soon Tommy and the baby were cleaned up and moved to a recovery room, where Buck joined Tommy on the bed and held his husband while Tommy held their son.
“What happened?” Tommy finally asked Evan.
“The wind picked up and I started losing control, I could hear you over the radio trying to instruct me and calling for me and I was trying to respond but you couldn’t hear. I managed to somewhat control the crash, and I didn’t think I was hurt all that bad. I stayed with the chopper for hours, but the wind wasn’t letting up so I knew they wouldn’t send another chopper to look for me-”
“I did try, for the record.” Tommy cut in. “Lucy tried to stop me and then he did stop me.” Tommy looked down at their son. “Almost went into early labor and got put on bedrest.”
“I’m sorry,” Buck murmured and kissed Tommy’s head. Buck knew what happened wasn’t his fault, but that did nothing to ease the guilt of not being there for Tommy, and everything Tommy must’ve gone through. “Anyway, I- I tried to stay with the chopper but night fell and it got cold and I didn’t have any water or food so I decided to start hiking down to a lower elevation. I’m not sure if I walked for two days or three. My memory is fuzzy, I didn’t know it at the time but I did hit my head in the crash and I had a slow-leaking brain bleed. Eventually I ran into people hiking one of the trails and apparently by then my speech was slurring, I was dehydrated, low blood sugar, had hypothermia, you name it. They took me to the nearest hospital and I didn’t have any ID because my wallet was in my locker at Harbor, my flight suit was trashed beyond recognition, and they found the brain bleed pretty fast and before they even got my name or info they took me into surgery.”
“Oh my god Evan.” Tommy murmured.
“I wound up in a coma for a couple weeks or so and when I finally woke up I had amnesia and couldn’t remember who I was.” Buck confessed.
It took Tommy a second, but eventually he managed to explain, “They kept looking for you, search party after search party, dogs, choppers, you name it. Maddie called every hospital within a couple hundred miles of LA almost every day looking for you. I didn’t want to believe you were gone, but it got to a point that I was just- just hoping they’d at least find remains so I could know, and could bury something-” Tommy choked back a sob.
“I’m sorry.” Buck said sincerely, unable to imagine just what hell his husband had really been through the last couple months. “I did everything I could- everything the doctors recommended to try and remember anything. And- and even when I couldn’t remember I- I had this feeling that I had somewhere important I needed to be. And then randomly this morning I woke up and I just remembered. I got back to LA as fast as I could and I didn’t have my phone so I couldn’t call anyone, I went to the house and no one was there, and then no one was at Maddie and Chim’s either, so I went to the station and they told me you were here and Bobby drove me and the entire time all I could think was that this was the important place I’d known I needed to be, and all I could do was hope I didn’t miss it.”
“I’m really glad you didn’t.” Tommy told Evan. “I- I didn’t know how I was supposed to do it with you. Any of it. The birth, naming him, raising him, I- honestly Evan I’ve spent the last twelve weeks just terrified and depressed, like hardly got out of bed, lost weight, everyone was worried about me depression.” Tommy confessed.
Buck took a shaky breath, his heart breaking for his husband and also feeling immense guilt that he’d been the cause. “I’m here now, and you won’t be alone for any more of it, and we’ll get you help, okay? We’ll find a way to be okay again.” Buck promised as his arm around Tommy tightened more. Now that he’d found what he’d been missing the last several weeks he didn’t want to let go of them anytime soon.
Tommy nodded slightly as he looked down at their son, gently tracing a finger over the shape of his lips. “He needs a name.”
“Have you done any research or thinking about it?” Buck wondered. “I get it, if you did,”
Tommy shook his head. “Didn't want to without you- I didn’t want to do anything without you. Eventually I did let Hen, Sal, and Chim put together the nursery, but only because it had to get done.”
“Alright.” Buck nodded slightly. “Well I've actually spent a lot of time lately looking at baby name books trying to remember my own name so I've got some ideas.”
Tommy nodded slowly. “Do you want to name him after your brother?”
“Maddie already did that.” Buck pointed out. “And I think our son should get to be his own person, you know?”
“What if he hates what we pick?” Tommy looked up at Evan. Even though Evan was here and Tommy wasn’t going to be alone, it didn’t erase all the fears and anxieties that had built in Evan’s absence. Tommy still worried about whether or not he’d be a good dad, if he was really capable of doing this.
“Then we'll worry about it then.” Buck tried to comfort Tommy.
Tommy took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. After a moment he spoke up again. “It should have meaning. We got a miracle with him and with you surviving and making it on time.”
“Lots of names mean miracle or gift from God.” Buck pointed out. “Jesse,”
Tommy shook his head. “Breaking Bad character.”
“Nathaniel,” Buck suggested, trying to recall names from memory with that meaning from all the baby name books.
“Isn't that Denny's bio father's name?” Tommy asked.
“Shoot it is.” Buck realized. “Okay, um Matthew?”
“Have an ex with that name.” Tommy shook his head again.
Buck looked down at their son again as he tried to recall more names when it hit him. “It's gotten pretty popular recently but what about Theodore?”
“Theo,” Tommy murmured, looking down at their son. “That could work. I like it.”
“Okay, so Theodore, possibly. He'll have the same initials as you, is that okay?” Buck pointed out.
“I don't mind if you don't.” Tommy looked up at Evan.
“I wouldn't have suggested it if I had a problem.” Buck promised. “Any ideas for middle names?”
“Know any names that mean strong or light? Maybe something a little shorter?” Tommy wondered.
“Lucas?” Buck suggested.
Tommy gave a small hum to express uncertainty.
“Uh,” Buck wracked his brain for a moment. “Everett?”
“His middle initial would be the same as your first.” Tommy pointed out, pleased with that idea. “Theodore Everett Buckley-Kinard.” Tommy tested. “I think I like it.”
“Me too, and hey, we can always sleep on it if we want?” Buck pointed out. “I mean, it might be a good idea to give it a little time? Just in case?”
“Yeah.” Tommy agreed. “Let’s wait til tomorrow. We- we got time.”
“Yes we do.” Buck agreed, realizing Tommy was no longer just talking about naming their son. He kissed Tommy’s temple and murmured, “We can take all the time we need.”