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“I love you.”
Those three words freeze Doyoung’s blood. The man in front of him is smiling hesitantly, yet full of hope. As the silence drags on, the smile drops little by little until what’s left is nothing but a downturned line.
“Why did you say that to me, Jaehyun?”
The man in front of him blinks in confusion as if caught off guard by Doyoung’s question.
“You know there is no future for us.” Doyoung’s voice is filled with despair as he blinks his eyes rapidly, trying to expel the burning tears gathered around the corners of his eyes. He wipes them away angrily as Jaehyun continues to stand there.
“Answer me!”
“What do you want me to say, Doyoung!? I love you!”
“No, you don’t.” Doyoung whispers tiredly as if they had this conversation a thousand times before.
“You can’t tell me how I feel, Doyoung.” There’s a stubborn jut to Jaehyun’s chin, a beginning sign that he’s not backing down. Doyoung used to think it was adorable every time Jaehyun did that, but now it’s just a painful reminder of how things used to be between them.
“You’re getting married in a week, Jaehyun. What’s the point of this?” Doyoung’s voice is cracking, and he hates how his vulnerability is out in the open, hates how Jaehyun still manages to reduce him to a blubbering mess while saying those three blasted words as if he is not aware of the consequences they would face if someone heard them. Hates that he can feel his resolve wavering in the face of Jaehyun’s determined gaze. When they ended things weeks ago, there was no fight. Because what’s there to fight about? They always knew that everything between them was only temporary. This is no fairy tale; there would be no happy ending for them. The Count would not marry a servant, much less a male one. Doyoung knows this deep in his bones, and yet the time they shared together was more than magical, until fantasy and reality blurred together. Clandestine meetings, lingering touches, and hushed conversation under the cover of night were all Doyoung has ever gotten, and yet it was more than enough, more than Doyoung could ever have hoped for, and he craves those moments like a drowning man gasping for air. Jaehyun’s touches have branded themselves to his skin; he can’t even look at himself in the mirror without imagining the bruises Jaehyun liked to leave on his hip or the kiss marks lathering his chest. The evidence of their passionate nights may have disappeared long ago, but the grasp Jaehyun has on his heart is as strong as ever. The thing is Doyoung has never been a brave boy, and growing up he learned that for people like him bravery comes at much too high a cost. Those three words he holds so dear to his heart would never be spoken in the open air, Doyoung doesn’t have the privilege to say, “Please, love me too,” not to someone like Jung Jaehyun. What they had was temporary; the end would always come, and yet his heart breaks all the same when it arrived, and even if he never recovered, Doyoung would do it all over again just for one more moment with Jaehyun. Life has never been kind to Doyoung, and he refused to prolong this useless endeavor any longer; Jung Jaehyun is going to be married in a week, just as he always meant to be. This conversation between them is nothing but a lance tearing open the wound in Doyoung’s heart again; he always thought of Jaehyun as a kind man, yet this torment is the furthest thing from kindness.
“Run away with me, Doyoung.”
Doyoung laughs wetly as Jaehyun stares at him resolutely. He steps towards Doyoung until they’re almost chest to chest. His hand comes up and rests on Doyoung’s cheek. His calloused thumb strokes Doyoung’s cheek gently.
“Run away with me, Doyoung, and make me the happiest man in this world.”
“Stop this nonsense, Jaehyun.” Doyoung whispers as his hand lands on Jaehyun's chest. He can feel the fast beat of Jaehyun’s heart; it’s a small comfort knowing that Jaehyun is not as calm as he appears to be.
“Do you love me, Doyoung?”
“What’s the point of that question, Jaehyun?” Doyoung's heart pounds frantically. “My answer would not change a thing. There is no point in prolonging this anymore; you have a responsibility to your family. And you will carry out your duties as I do mine.” Doyoung says with all the conviction he can muster.
“Answer me, Doyoung. Do you love me?”
Doyoung whirls away angrily. “Would you stop asking me that!? Why does it matter if I love you or not!? It’s over, Jaehyun!”
“No, we are not, not until I say we are.”
“Jaehyun, please.” Doyoung is sobbing now, tears streaming down his face as he gazes hopelessly at Jaehyun.
Suddenly, Jaehyun embraces him tightly. His breath is hot as he tucks his nose into the side of Doyoung’s neck.
“Living without you would be unbearable. You are the air I breathe in, Kim Doyoung. The joy in my life, please don’t take it away. Without you I can’t go on, Kim Doyoung.”
Doyoung feels wetness staining his neck. He stiffens when he realizes that Jaehyun is crying. “Don’t tell me to go, Doyoung. If I can’t have you, then this life is not worth living.”
“Don’t say that, Jaehyun! Don’t you ever say that again!” Doyoung looks at Jaehyun’s face furiously. Jaehyun gives him a sad smile. “All my life, I have given everything to my family. My life had been nothing but a blur of gray until the day you came into my life. You showed me things I never even dreamed of, possibilities I never thought were possible. You completed me; before I met you, I was lost, adrift in the middle of the ocean. You are my shore, Doyoung. The home I never thought I needed.”
Their faces are only inches apart; Jaehyun's hands are warm as they settle on his waist.
“Tell me that you love me. Tell me that I am not the only one who feels this yearning.”
The words are almost silent against his lips as if Jaehyun’s afraid that if he said it too loud, Doyoung would bolt.
“Tell me the truth, Doyoung. Free me from this torment; tell me you don’t feel the same and you’ll never see me again. Tell me that I am a fool, tell me that it is all just for naught. But please tell me something.”
It’s with these words that Doyoung feels his defense crumble. He can never turn Jaehyun away, not then and not now. Not when what he wanted was offered to him on a silver platter, and for once in his life, Doyoung wanted to be selfish. He knows he’s being greedy taking something that’s not meant for him. Yet for once in his life he finds himself not caring about it, the bleak future that awaits them, nor the consequences he has to face. The world narrows down to this single moment, here in this garden at the back of the Jung’s manor, where the love of his life is saying words his heart has longed to hear for a very long time.
“Of course, I love you. How could I not, when you have made me the happiest I’ve ever been in this wretched life?”
The smile Jaehyun rewards him can only be described as dazzling; his twin dimples flash as his eyes glitter with happiness. When their lips meet, it is as if the world has finally found its axis again. The equilibrium is restored, and the shackles on Doyoung’s lungs are finally gone, and he finds that he can breathe easier as if the air has finally returned.
The kiss breaks as the need for air finally forces them apart. Jaehyun’s hands are warm on his cheeks.The bright moon above is their sole witness as Jaehyun proclaims. “No matter what happens, even if the whole world is against us. We will always be together. This I swear to you.I love you, Kim Doyoung. Now and forever, till the end of time.”
“I love you too, Jung Jaehyun. Till the end of time.” Doyoung whispers.
This they vowed.