Work Text:
Raito opened his eyes. Then, he closed them again, realizing what day it was.
Somehow, it had become April 27th again. With his limited lifespan at the forefront of his mind, he lived (or well, tried to live) every day to the fullest, yet when his birthday came, it always felt like an entire year had passed in the blink of an eye. Just like when he closed his eyes to sleep then opened them up the next day, as if the hours he’d spent sleeping had been completely meaningless. Perhaps that was why it took him so long to wake up in the morning, overcome with the feeling of having already wasted a day without having even started it.
In the end (and much like other years,) Raito decided to simply treat his birthday like a normal day, so that it’d blur together alongside the rest of the week, the month, or even the year. And he still dared to wonder where his morning had gone when he went to bed at night. It is, undoubtedly, my fault, isn’t it? At least he’d recognized it this time, as cheap of an excuse it was.
He figured he should be getting up by now despite everything. Judging by the previous birthdays at the dorms and the absence of his roommates, there was surely a surprise party in store for him and, as silly as it sounded, that gave him the necessary strength to look forward to the day, even when a voice inside his mind told him that it’d just be wasted on him.
He shoved aside the thought. He’d decided to move forward, and that’s what he would do.
The party was, in Chihiro and Kinari’s words, the bomb-dot-com. A lot of people had showed up, ranging from the other members of Ev3ns and the Chief to a few of his fellow Ward majors. Despite all the fun activities they had prepared for him (including a ramen-eating contest, which he’d easily won), he’d felt conflicted at times and, in the midst of it, he ended up at the dorms’ balcony, leaning on the railing and letting his hands rests on it as he looked at the setting sun ahead of him, signaling the end of the day.
Why wasn’t he satisfied, then? He had fun, he was truly grateful to his teammates and he was also used to being the center of attention: the Kitakata Conglomerate’s eldest son, mahorova’s CEO, EDG3’s beacon, a faction leader in prison… He hadn’t regretted bearing any of those titles, but had he really earnt them, when people simply projected their hopes on him without truly knowing him? Without allowing himself to be known in the first place, becoming alienated because of his fate and reckless life choices? Maybe he was uncomfortable because his current teammates were seeing him as he was?
Because, for once, he’d bared his soul to them instead of keeping them at an arm’s length?
It wasn’t that bad of a feeling, and yet, he still couldn’t come to terms with it. Much like with his destiny, he couldn’t accept that he was destined to die, but couldn’t admit that he wanted to live, either. He’d been stuck in such contradictions for so long that the days ahead felt foreign, like they shouldn’t be there. A lack of meaning that had always haunted him.
Was there any meaning to his name?
Was there any meaning to his death?
Was there any meaning to his life?
And if the world would move on whether he lived or died, then what was the meaning of it all?
“It’s not just the world that moves on, you know.” A familiar voice talked back at him. Had he said that last part out loud? “Even people do that, without a care for what others may feel about being left behind.”
It was none other than his younger brother, Nayuki. Considering his penchant for worrying about him, Raito wasn’t surprised he’d noticed he’d gone missing, even though he guessed anyone could have noticed the absence of the person being celebrated at a birthday party.
“Nayuki?” Since when have you been there?”
“Not long ago. Natsuyaki-san was asking where you were. We’re wrapping up the party soon, but they didn’t want to end it without you, so you better show up.”
“Ah, right. I’ll make sure to thank everyone. And tell them that I love them, of course.”
Nayuki rolled his eyes, but didn’t berate him. Instead, he surprisingly walked up to and joined him leaning against the glass railing while looking at the sunset before him. Raito enjoyed the quiet, but… he hadn’t actually replied to his brother.
“Just now, were you… talking about me?” he dared to ask, even when he felt like he already knew the answer.
“Well, yeah, who else but my shitty brother?” Nayuki replied anyway.
“Haha, sorry, Nayuki. But… I like to believe I’m changing now, and I’m not giving up.” Raito paused for a moment. “Still… I do wonder if it’s all meaningless, in a way.”
Nayuki went silent, and Raito started to wonder if he’d messed it up again. Had that been an okay response? After so long of barely paying attention to people’s reactions to his words, it’d become hard to discern the emotions on his brother’s face time and time again.
However, it became clear what kind of expression Nayuki was making just then. It was the same one he’d seen on him back when he’d been hospitalized. A determined gaze, yet gentle at the same time, like he’d decided to drop his uncaring act for once. Brothers were always similar in some aspects, were they not?
“... Why do you always make everything so overly complicated to justify yourself?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“You do all sorts of idiotic things every day, and you never wonder what the point of it is. You just enjoy them even when they actually put your health in danger. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your midnight ramen escapades…”
“Haha, guilty as charged…”
“... And yet, when it comes to this, you always doubt, when it’s actually pretty simple.” Nayuki turned completely towards him. “Listen, do you want to be here?”
As if proving his point, Nayuki’s single question took on many meanings…
Do you want to be at the party?
Do you want to be part of Ev3ns?
Do you want to live?
… And yet, it held no meaning at the same time. Raito could picture all those options in his mind, and despite not knowing which one Nayuki was referring to… the answer was as clear as ever.
“I do.” he finally replied. “I’m sure I do.”
“Then it’s settled. If you want it, then it’s because it meant something to you in the first place. I don’t have time to debate over the same things over and over, especially on your birthday… Wouldn’t want to waste it like this.” he added, quiet enough so it was barely audible.
“What was that last part?”
“Nothing! Anyway, I’m coming back in.”
“Alright. Thank you, Nayuki. I love you!” Before he could run away, Raito rushed to ruffle Nayuki’s hair, but he immediately swatted his brother’s hand back.
“Tch. No need for that.”
“But I want to.”
“Urgh, of course you’d use my words against me… But whatever helps getting it through your skull, I suppose. Let’s go back.”
“Yeah. They’re probably waiting for us.”
Before coming back inside, Raito took one last glance at the sky, which was about to become completely dark after their talk. There’d come a time where he won’t be able to take in this view anymore, but for someone who never expected to live to see the night in the first place, it was more than enough.
He’d look at the sunset, indulge in his pastimes, and love his friends and family as much as continued to want it to happen.