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Louis loved women.
Not in just a romantic way, either. Louis loved women in every way women could be loved.
He loved them in an idolization way. His mother worked long hours and raised five children at the same time, and Louis was convinced that a man would never be able to do that. It took a woman's strength to function with zero hours of sleep and bills that cost almost an entire paycheck every week.
He loved them in an aesthetic way. Everything from girls to long hair and glowy skin, to girls with buzzed hair and bold brows, to fat girls and dark girls and girls who spent hours on makeup to girls who hated makeup. All of them were so beautiful to him.
He loved them in a feminist way. He wanted his sisters and mum to be equal to men. He wanted them to be able to exist as they pleased without having to explain every choice or defend their actions. Louis wanted his sisters to be empowered.
Mostly though, he loved them in a way that felt so seperate from who he was as a person, and it was a struggle that he still dealt with at 18, because he knew he wasn't a girl and he still hadn't said that out loud.
There were some days where Louis didn't understand it. He loved women, and everything they were and how diverse every single female in the world is, and Louis knew that there wasn't a 'right' way to be female, but he just couldn't understand why he felt the way he did. He loved women. He knew women could love football and short hair and baggy shirts and beer and all the things he loved, but he still knew he wasn't a girl. He just didn't feel it.
Then there were days like today where he sat on the floor of the small family room, Lottie painting his nails as Daisy and Phoebe are telling them about their day at school, and how the girls were separated for a special meeting about dress code.
"And then they just kept saying 'three fingers'. That's how thick a shirt's strap has to be, but even if it is that thick you still have to wear a cardigan over it." Daisy mumbled, shaking her head and snacking on the small snack Louis had prepared for his gaggle of younger sisters.
Louis was so upset, feeling anger bubbling in his stomach but he tried to not let it show too much. He wanted to rush to their lower school and cause a fit, because nobody should ever tell them how to dress, and Louis felt so personally attacked because he didn't want any man telling him or his sisters how to dress. Especially since they were so young, and sexualizing their bodies was not okay.
"I was thinking of starting a petition." Phoebe, the quieter of the two twins spoke up. "It's rarely ever warm out, so when it is we should be able to wear what we want. Right Lou?"
All four of them turned to look at Louis, and it was just another reminder that he was their Big Sister. He was supposed to set an example for what a woman should be, alongside their mother. And today, it didn't make him as upset as other days to be the sister because he was too angry about inequality that he could only focus on that.
Within the hour, all four of them had painted nails, braided hair, and had written a petition for the twins school.
There were always days like that for Louis. Days where he felt fine with his gender being female. He wasn't comfortable, but he knew it could be worse and so he appreciated the days he could wear the school uniform of a skirt and not cringe, or when he could change in the locker room and not feel like he was in the wrong place.
Louis had been having a few good months when he started dating harry. He had been able to push his gender crisis to the side and had been focusing on school, spending most days after class in the small market place that was a few blocks from his school. It consisted of a movie theatre (which Louis thought was always way too crowded and smelled too much like butter), a library (which Louis never went to since the school's was better) and then the bakery.
He had noticed the boy the first time he went there, since it was hard not to. Not only was harry the only employee who wasn't an elderly lady, but he had his hair up in two spaces buns and nearly six rings on his fingers that the clear gloves did little to hide.
It took only three times coming in for harry to notice him back, and after that it was all innocent flirting and long lunch breaks and cupcake recommendations that Louis didn't understand most of the time but ate anyway because harry insisted 'adding the spice makes the chocolate flavour stronger' and who was Louis to disagree?
Not long after they started dating, and louis' mum and sisters all loved him, and Louis definitely liked him a lot, and things were great.
Until they weren't anymore.
Dating a boy made Louis' confusion grow. If he was a girl dating a boy, Louis figured it would be simple. But Louis was a boy, even if he wasn't out, and he was dating a boy. And what was once just a gender crisis turned to a sexuality crisis and Louis didn't think he could handle both, and it lead to his first fight with harry, where he blocked him on every social media and turned his phone off and ignored him.
Of course, he didn't tell his mother he was upset at harry, because he really was not ready to explain, so when harry showed up at the door she let him in like it was a normal day.
"Louis." Harry breathed, setting down his bag and running a hand through some curls that had gotten lose from his bun. "What is going on?"
And Louis wanted to be angry. He did. Wanted to say it was pointless to come over when he was upset. That when a 'girl' ignores you, it's because they don't want to chat with you and that showing up at their house is creepy and a bit like a stalker, and he wanted to go into a feministic rant, but Louis was just so thankful that harry actually cared enough to show up that he fell silent instead.
"Cmon, just talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you and we can work it out."
And Louis stayed silent for a few moments longer before breathing out his secret, telling harry how he wasn't a girl, how he never wanted to be a girl, how he felt guilty for not wanting to be a girl. Every thought he'd ever had about his transgender identity, good or bad, he told harry in one long rambly explanation.
Louis didn't know what he expected harry to do. He knew harry wouldn't hit him, or scream, or anything negative because it was harry, but he knew better than to get his hopes up and assume the best case.
"Oh..... Well, I don't know what to say other than... Like.... I still want to keep dating you and I'll help you with whatever you need to be a boy."
Louis laughed. He laughed at that, because he was relieved that finally someone knew, and harry was fine with it, and it was all just a huge weight off of his heart to know it was okay.
Things didn't get easier for Louis immediately, though. He still had days where he would just ignore harry and cry in his room. There were days when he begged harry to call him his 'girlfriend' even in private. There were days when Louis would question if maybe he had lied to Harry and wasn't a boy at all, and he was just seeking attention or confused or any number of excuses.
Some things did get a bit easier though. There were days when Louis could spend hours talking in whispered tones to harry about transgender laws being passed or a new hormone he was considering. He could call harry up and say he was on his period and his chest hurt and harry would bring him some snacks and they'd cuddle like any other couple. There were even days where Louis loved being called Harry's girlfriend at the bakery, because he just loved being with harry.
Louis still struggled a bit, but the bad days got a little less worse and the good days got a little better. Especially after harry and him found the balance between things they felt comfortable discussing, and harry found out where his place to comment on Louis' body was.
"You know, they sell binders online." Harry said one day, with Louis half asleep on his chest and drool on his shirt.
"What? Schools almost over, you nutter."
Harry rolled his eyes and explained to him. Explained how he could bind his chest down if he wanted to, that it was a 'thing' and possible if Louis really wanted to do it.
Louis shook his head, telling Harry not to be ridiculous. But that night he stayed up till four am researching all the different kinds, paying and having it shipped to Harry's house so his mother wouldn't find it.
Next was a packer. Louis never wore it, but some days he would pull it out of his drawer and try it on, and just imagine.
Louis didn't even mind his body that much, it was never about that. He liked his body, liked that he was soft and strong and his body was fine, most days. He knew he was 'supposed' to get surgery to have a man's body, but he didn't think it was something he wanted right now. Maybe he'd get top surgery so he could go shirtless, but for now, he was content and Harry supported that.
It was now a year into their relationship, and Louis was sitting with Jay in the kitchen, sharing a cuppa and talking about Harry, and about what's been going on with Louis.
"You've been spending a lot of time in your room. Charlotte said she asked you to go to the mall and you said no. Just because you've got a boyfriend now doesn't mean you have to ignore your family."
Jay spoke soft, always soft. Louis thought she was the ideal woman, and logically he knew there were several ideal women but his mum was definitely the most idea of them all. She was gentle, and kind, and had a giving heart. But that wasn't all. She could also put up a fight, physically or vocally when she needed to and wasn't very good at biting her tongue when attacked, and Louis loved that.
"Mum, no. She wanted me to go to sneak her into an R Rated movie at the mall." He snorted, before smiling. "Her and Em wanted to see that movie with Channing Tatum. Says he's proper fit. Not my type."
"I know, you like guys like Harry. He's an odd one but such a sweetheart. He's a bit feminine, that one."
Louis tensed a bit at that, laughing nervously.
"He is, a bit. But nothing wrong with being feminine. Or masculine. Genders a bit weird anyways. Don't you think? If girls want to do boy things then that's..."
Jay was looking at him, clearly confused but not judgemental. He wished he hadn't said anything, but it was too late now.
"You know, you're right. Gender is a bit silly. Harry paints his nails but he's still a boy, but painting nails is considered a girl thing." She said. "Are you trying to tell me something? Is Harry not a boy? Boobear, you know I'll love you regardless. We don't judge people in this house and-"
Jay kept rambling, but Louis suddenly couldn't hear anything. All he could focus on was her support, her unwavering support for whatever Louis wanted.
"I'm trans." He said quickly. "Transgender. Like... A boy. I'm a boy."
Louis saw no change in Jay's face, and he think that worried him more than any response she could have given him. He felt his heart beat faster than it ever had before, but at the same time he felt completely numb.
Before Jay could react, Louis was up and apologizing. Rambled 'I'm sorry's and 'I didn't mean it's.
Louis sprinted out the door, not even bothering to pull on shoes or change out of his fluffy pink shorts and tanktop with a butterfly on the front. All he could think was he needed to breathe, and oh god, why is breathing so hard?
He didn't stop running until he reached Harry's house. It wasn't even that he needed Harry, but he had nowhere else to go. Normally he went to his Nan's house when he was upset, but he couldn't explain this to her.
Harry was in front of his closet, pulling out a skirt and then a top, and then changing the top until he found a match, then hanging it up. And if Louis wasn't so upset he would be endeared but he just wanted to scream for some attention.
"Harold." Louis said, voice heavy and out of breath. "I told mum."
And Harry turned around, and Louis knew he wanted to ask questions. Louis knew he was curious how it went, but the look on his face must have kept him silent.
"Here. You need to breathe. Let's watch some movies and cuddle, and you can tell me when you're ready."
Louis hated Harry, he always knew just the right thing to do and say.
Louis curled into Harry's chest, going between crying uncontrollably, to panicked breathing, to being too silent and then cycling through the emotions again.
He fell asleep around nine, and Harry stole his phone, typing in the passcode ("David Beckham's birthday is a completely valid code, you arse.") and sent Jay a text, telling her Louis was alright and with him. Because Harry might not know what had happened, but he knew at the end of the day, Jay loved her son and would be worried.
The next morning, Louis woke up to Harry doing some yoga on the floor. He was in hot pink leggings and a baggy men's tanktop that showed off his armpit hair, and Louis almost felt sick watching it.
Because Harry was allowed to do that. Harry was a cis boy, so he could wear pink and it was seen as a statement. He could do yoga and paint his nails and wear skirts and it was all fine, but only because he was cis.
Louis knew it wasn't Harry's fault, but it was still unfair. Louis couldn't act how he wanted, because as soon as you labeled yourself Transgender, every action you make was wrong. If Louis ever did come out, everytime he wore makeup or tight dresses, he'd be accused of not being a True Boy, where Harry had that luxury.
"Stop staring at me bum, Lou." Harry said, and Louis' face softened just a bit.
Anne let Louis stay the entire weekend, leaving them up in Harry's room most of the time because even she sensed he was upset, even if she didn't know why. Anne only bothered them when food was done, or when she brought Louis some extra clothes to wear.
Louis ignored his phone all weekend, knowing he was in trouble but also knowing it could be worse than that. He had heard stories online if people's parents abusing them, kicking them out, disowning them. At 18, being kicked out wasn't that big of a deal, but the rejection would hurt.
It was Sunday night when Louis finally walked home, Harry holding his hand and letting him borrow his favourite purple jumper.
"If it ends truly bad, you know mum would let you live with us. She loves you and I love you, and I just want you to be okay."
Harry kissed his forehead, and Louis had to tug him back in for a proper kiss because he needed the strength.
He waited until Harry walked away before taking a deep breath, and pushing open the door.
It's silent, was his first thought. Normally the house was chaotic, especially on a Sunday before a school night. Normally Lottie was doing last minute homework, and Felicite was making late snacks, and the twins were doing a runway show, or a makeover on their dog, or even once they had tried sewing themselves together. Regardless, it was never this quiet.
He walked inside, head down and heading towards the kitchen. His mum and Lottie were sitting with mugs of tea, and the younger ones all had a cup of hot chocolate in front of them. As soon as they saw louis, they all set their mugs down and ran to hug him.
"You arse, don't do that to us!" "Lottie, language." "Where did you go? You smell like harry." "Did you get us gifts?" "No he didn't, you knob. He was sad! Are you okay?"
Small and gentle voices filled the room, and Louis felt nearly a dozen arms wrapped around him. It felt like home, and as soon as he saw his mum's face again, it was different. It wasn't blank like before, and it had nothing but warmth and happiness, and Louis was glad to be at home again.
It wasn't until a couple hours later that all the girls went to bed that Louis finally got the chance to talk to his mum. They sat on the couch like they always had growing up. It had always been their thing. They drank tea, even when Louis was 4 and added 6 cubes of sugar just to make the tea bearable. Then they would sit on the couch with their legs over one another's and just talk for hours. It was their thing.
Now though, Louis was just happy that his mum wasn't repulsed by him. She still hugged him and smiled and cuddled on the couch with him.
"So.... My baby. Lou." She said softly. "I've been thinking about what you said." Jay looked at him, always speaking directly at him.
"I don't want you to think I'm not supportive, because I am. But I'm scared and confused and I just want you to be the happiest you can be. If you're a boy, I'll love you just the same. You're still my baby, and I just... I want you to teach me about this. Okay? Everything. I've been researching and I found this club for parents of trans kids and-"
Louis zones out again, which is probably a bad habit, but it feels like a million babies being born. Like a million couples getting married. Like a million candy bars being eaten. Like all the good things in the world happening at once.
"Mum, slow down. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself okay."
"But Lou..you don't have to anymore. You don't have to struggle alone."
And soon they're both teary eyed, and Jay says 'fuck it' and gets up, grabbing a bottle of wine and pouring them both a drink. They sit on the couch all night, and Louis tells her most of the thoughts. He doesn't talk about his body issues (because talking about penises with your mum is weird), and he doesn't point out that this also means he's gay. But he tells her about how he wants to be referred to as he, and a boy, but he doesn't mind the girls calling him their big sister because he still wants to be a role model. They discuss how to tell the girls, and when. They discuss Harry. They discuss school and life and everything, and it feels like a starting point in his life.
He would never have to struggle with pretending to be a girl, and he would never have to hide in front of his family.
Coming out won't make his life any easier, because there are still bigots and transphobes and people who will hate him without even meeting him.
But coming out showed him that he is strong, and he can be a good role model to his sisters without having to be a sister.
And at the end of the day, you are who you are, there's no other way.