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"Wouldst thou like the taste of butter? A pretty dress? Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?"
A beat passed, followed by several more.
This…hesitation wasn’t how these interactions usually went. By now, the young woman in question was more than willing to make a pact with him. But he was well versed in patience, even as the silence stretched on while he waited for her answer.
“Umm, so…what exactly do you mean by that? Because I’m lactose intolerant, so the butter thing doesn’t sound like ‘living deliciously’ to me.”
He blinked, taken aback.
“Ah, I am not familiar with what you speak of. Is this a new affliction?”
The witch in front of him scoffed and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms as she did so. “A new affliction? For me? No. For like, humankind? Definitely not, but then again, who knows if people understood what gave them bubble guts if they died at the ripe old age of twenty.”
‘Bubble guts’? Why would she have bubbles in her entrails? That doesn’t sound very pleasant. This witch was peculiar indeed…although, it had been quite some time since he had ventured to the mortal realm. Perhaps this was just how humans spoke now?
“Tell me…” he raises his eyebrows, an unasked plea for her to state her name. It mattered not that he already knew who she was, and what she would be capable of. He was the Devil, but even the Devil could have manners.
“Hermione.” He nodded
“Hermione. What would make you happiest, if not the rich indulgence of butter or a pretty dress?”
“I mean, how much time do we have? Do I have to sign your little book now, or can we do it after?”
He looked away from her for the first time since making himself known, taking in the scenery. It seems like much has changed since the last time he was corporeal. The last time was so…outdoorsy. There really wasn’t anything pressing keeping him from taking his time and exploring. Perhaps it would give him the opportunity to try and lure more willing men and women to sign his book, giving him their souls. He could definitely reschedule the torture he had planned for another time.
“I don’t see why not. Lead the way. What indulgences are more to your taste?”
“OH MY GOD,” she shrieked in a tone bordering on something only dogs could hear, leading him to wince at both the sound and the invoking of an eons old enemy. “YOU’RE GONNA LOVE IT!!”
The first place Hermione dragged him was someplace called a café. She stated it was the perfect place to start as it sold victuals, and he easily agreed, since it was still early enough to break her fast. Ordering for the both of them, he noted that she paid by tapping her small, reflective item - “Oh my god, it’s a cellphone. Who doesn’t know what a cellphone is??” - at the counter, noting the look the human gave him as she did so. Something to ask Hermione about later on.
“They’ll bring our order to us so we don’t have to stand around looking all awkward. Let’s grab a place to sit,” she declared, not waiting for him to process what she’d said, already moving towards a table in the corner.
What followed next feels akin to a fever that precludes a plague outbreak. She did her best to explain how the world worked now, all the technology and brouhaha, the concept of how to pay for goods and services now, and what a TikTok was. It was utterly baffling, this world…everything so shiny, so loud, so new.
An hour later, he could admit that there were greater indulgences available now than mere butter and pretty frocks to entice people with if this one meal was to go off of. The lure of avocado toast with a fiery topping named ‘chili oil’ and a libation called an iced caramel latte with oat milk was too strong to contend with, in his personal opinion. He would have to remember the chili oil for later as it seemed to have wondrous potential as a form of torture.
“No bubble guts for me!” Hermione had exclaimed in joy at their little table, and while he still couldn’t fathom exactly how one milked an oat, he wasn’t complaining. It was quite delicious.
On their way out of the establishment, he easily magicked himself a copy of her cellphone - understanding the concept at once after she had explained it that this was how humans paid for things, and why the person inside who took their order was vexed that Hermione had paid for both of their meals. An old fashioned sentiment to be sure, but one he could understand and appreciate.
Hermione had then deemed it absolutely necessary to take him to some place called “the shops”. To say it overwhelmed his senses was putting it lightly - so many people and lights, a true cacophony of sound and sensations.
“Tell me why I need one of these small, ugly dolls.”
“They are charmingly ugly sprites, excuse you. And they’re called Labubus. They’re very in right now. Something fun that people like - another way to live deliciously, or whatever. I figured you’d like them.” A shrug of her shoulders accompanied her final statement as she turned away to look at the display, grabbing two boxes with a decisive nod.
They did remind him of some of the lesser demons, even if they were in pastels. A small taste of home. He caught up to her quickly, not to be outdone once more and have another human judge him for not paying for their things. Once was quite enough, after all. Time passed so differently here - there was so much to do, so much to see. His senses were awash with it all, and he found himself following her wherever she deemed necessary to go - a candle shop, a book store. Going into some place called Sephora nearly killed him, the scents perfuming the air overwhelming him - him, the Devil - in such a way that he very nearly dragged Hermione from its depths so he could escape.
Now, they were sitting in a restaurant waiting on something called sushi. Overall, he was thrilled with the fact that it seemed like food had gotten much better than what humans were previously eating. Everything had been so bland and boiled. Looking across the small table, he watched as Hermione poured some black substance into a tiny dish.
“What is that for? It looks horrendous.”
“It’s soy sauce,” she said, putting the small bottle back on the table. “It’s pretty salty, but it’s a great compliment to enhance the flavor of the fish, if you like that sort of thing.”
Nodding to himself, he grabbed the bottle and poured a small amount for himself as well in the little dish the establishment had provided. If he hated it, he’d have to add it to his growing list of potentially torturous foods to implement when he was back in Hell. Taking a sip of his Dr. Pepper, he’s pleased to see their servant - “He’s a waiter or server, not a servant. What the actual fuck?” - is headed towards their table with the food.
Hermione admitted that she’d gone a little bit overboard when ordering, but looking at the assortment, he couldn’t be sure. It didn’t look like a lot…just a bunch of tiny rolls. If anything, he was certain that they would still be hungry after eating what had been set in front of them. Watching as the young woman across from him picks up her chopsticks, he grabs his own, handling them with a deftness she’d been annoyed by when attempting to teach him how to use them earlier.
“Okay, so,” Hermione begins, using the utensils in her hands to point at the various offerings on the table, “we have a little bit of everything. California, avocado, and sweet potato rolls always help cut the spice from some of the others if you eat them after. Speaking of, crunchy spicy tuna is the best roll and no, I will not be changing my mind. I didn’t order a Philadelphia roll because cream cheese only belongs in crab rangoons. Other than those ground rules, I got a bit of everything, so pick your poison.”
He found himself blinking, trying to take in the information that she had so quickly rattled off as she dug in. Looking over the platter, he raised his eyes to hers as his own set of chopsticks hovered, waiting to pluck the right piece for him to try. Watching as Hermione rolled her eyes, he watched as she telegraphed her movements, picking up a piece, showing it to him, before dunking it in her little dish of soy sauce. Copying her movements, he did the same, pleased with how the sauce enhanced the flavor and of how spicy the morsel was.
Digging in, they were silent for several moments as they ate. Every new roll and piece of fish he tried offered something different and he found her advice satisfactory. Eyeing a small blob of green paste next to what looked like skin shavings, he cleared his throat to get her attention.
“What are those? Not more sushi, I presume.” His gaze remained locked on the plate, trying and failing to decipher what they were, completely missing the look of utter mischief that graced his companion’s face.
“Oh, those. Those are very special. One of them is ginger, which is quite refreshing with just a little bite. And the other is wasabi, another sort of complimentary side you can have by itself or on one of the pieces.”
Picking up one of the small pieces of ginger, he was quite delighted at the taste that overtook his mouth, liking the bite it had. Moving onto the wasabi, he paused.
“Do I take a lot of it or a little of it? It is not portioned like the rolls or ginger.” He was nothing if not a perfectionist, so getting this right was imperative.
“Well, the serving size for that is typically what you see. I can always order more, so you should go ahead and give it a try.” The look on her face was utterly beguiling and beseeching him to do as she instructed. After all, she had yet to steer him wrong today.
Picking up the entire dollop of the smooth, green paste, he raises it and places it in his mouth, not bothering to smell it. Instantly, he wished he had. The spice overwhelms his senses, leaving him wheezing and teary eyed. Not wanting to be rude, he knows he needs to swallow - and quickly. Doing so turns out to be the wrong move as now his mouth, throat, and sinuses are engulfed in a spicy inferno. Dropping his chopsticks, he scrambles to pick up the water glass, knowing instinctively that the Dr. Pepper would not be the right call in this, his moment of need.
After several large gulps, he is able to focus enough to know that Hermione is laughing at him. Uproariously so, if the tears leaking from the corners of her eyes are anything to go off of. He would be offended, but this was so deliciously underhanded of her that all he can feel is pride.
“You, my dear, are quite possibly the best liar I have recently encountered. Why did you feel like it was necessary to trick me into eating that demonic paste?” He watched as she took a deep breath.
“I just thought to myself that it would be hilarious to watch the Devil struggle, and it was fucking worth it. Oh my god, I have to stop laughing, I’m gonna pee!”
“Well, I’m delighted you find my suffering so humorous. Well played. Although now, you do realize that I’ll have to return the favor at some point.”
Watching as she blanches, he sees as the full repercussions of her actions hit her at once, causing a chuckle of his own to leave his lips. He was certainly proud of her deceptive prank, but it was clear she had forgotten just who he was and what he was capable of. He couldn’t wait to make her suffer as he had.
Wasabi was definitely getting added into the rotation of punishments he employed in Hell.
As evening creeps up on them, he had to acknowledge that this had been a day filled with indulgences he never would have dreamed about. To think, all he had offered Hermione was butter and a dress. Scoffing to himself, he peered over at her whilst they ambled, no true destination in mind now that they’ve visited all her favorite places.
“So,” he begins, catching her eyes as she looks over, “have we finished our adventure? Or is there another interesting and unexpected venue to experience?” There was a pause as she considered his query.
“I think after today there’s just one thing left for us to do before I sign my name in your little book.”
“Well, pray tell what it is, my pet, and we shall make it happen forthwith.”
“You mentioned a pretty dress at the beginning of the day and after giving it some thought, I’d like one. I just really want to show up this girl I went to school with, Pansy, the next time I see her.”
The Devil blinked…once, twice, thrice before laughing.
For all the indulgences in the world now, some things truly stayed the same.