Work Text:
[ ᴅᴇᴄᴇᴍʙᴇʀ 17ᴛʜ, 2008. ]
Jonah took another a hit. over and over again. Smoke wafting in the small back of the van they had stolen months prior. Laying in a cramped backseat, sleeping bags on the floor. Necessities scattered around them carelessly. They had been in the back for a while, smoking weed for a few minutes and just talking about life. Adam was rambling about his mom, Jonah just staring at the dented ceiling and listening.
Adam was giving him concerned looks. A small side-eye, not trying to draw Jonah's attention. After a few, Jonah only just noticed the ashes were burning into his cheek. Jonah flicked them away, eyes red rimmed, from the weed or the urge to cry.
"Jonah. Why do you keep taking so many hits?"
Adam grumbled from his breath. Laying on his side, hands cushioning his head. He was curled up in a sleeping bag. The look on his face made Jonah's insides churn, with a feeling of regret and anger.
God, Jonah hated feeling this way. The unmistaken thoughts of guilt bubbled up in his head, swarming his clear rationalism. He quietly gripped at the jacket string on his chest, blunt still in hand but slightly forgotten. The van was a sickly white, just like he felt, he thought. Jonah furrowed his brows and went to take another hit, but was stopped by a pale hand.
"?"
"Stop."
Jonah was forced to look at the man next to him. Pale, fair skin. Blonde and brown fluffy hair. Blue eyes that watered in a way where Jonah would cherish it forever if he could. Grip tight, but not too firm, just enough to say something.
"What's up with you."
The question was harsh, Adam's monotone voice making him wince gently. His words rung out like a merry-go-round in Jonah's head, causing him to turn away. But Adam's hold on his wrist didn't let up.
"Adam, you're being an ass."
His voice cracked as he spoke, eyes watering. He hated opening up to people. He hated it when Adam forced those feelings up. Adam didn't care though. For some reason, he felt compelled to know.
"Dude─ just fucking tell me what's wrong."
"Fine! Just let go!─"
Adam's grip instantly loosened. Baby blue eyes stared into deep brown ones. They were both sat up now, weed long gone but the effects still there. It made Jonah feel helpless. Being under the influence made him a lot more moldable to will.
"I just keep thinking about all of this." He gestured to the van.
"What...what are we doing, man? Living our lives on the run. Not a single night without thinking I'm gonna be killed, or handcuffed, or abandoned on the side of the street, like roadkill."
His throat choked up, tears threatening to spill. Adam stayed put.
Jonah curled in on himself, scratching his sideburns awkwardly. His head was turned away, so Adam couldn't see his face.
"I'm not saying I didn't choose this, I just─ What if thing were different? What if we could live in an apartment, together. Still run BPS but... better. Everyday I daydream about us thriving, instead of what we are now. That day I promised to help you find her, I knew what I was getting into. But it hurts.."
Jonah couldn't finish his sentence. He felt as if the van was shrinking, arms wrapping around himself to cope. He felt small, weak, afraid. Adam was just staring.
He knew that he signed up for this, but his heart just wouldn't stop aching. His whole body felt like ice, fingers digging into his sides. The feeling of being trapped. The feeling of not being able to change fate.
Suddenly, surprisingly warm arms pulled Jonah into a crushing hug. The two didn't have much of a height difference, but the position definitely made Jonah seem smaller. Adam then started carding his finger through blonde and black dyed hair, slowly tugging away knots. His other hand rubbing up and down the small of Jonah's back, keeping him in his arms.
The dam broke. Jonah let out a sob, body wracking with weeps as he let himself go. It felt stupid, and it was probablu was, to cry in front of a guy you barely think cares about you. To be vulnerable. Jonah felt like retching, but rhe warmth (Or cold, Jonah couldn't tell.) from Adam's arms made him push back those thoughts and cry harder.
After a while, Jonah was barely awake. His eyes were blinking open slowly, clearly groggy. He felt like syrup as Adam moved Jonah inside his sleeping back.
"Sleep."
His voice was monotone as ever, but it had a slightly shift to it. A warm shift. Jonah didn't mind, settling into a growing heat from the sleeping bag and letting himself drift.
────
Jonah was asleep, his head pressed against Adam's chest. Looking over Jonah's shoulder, he saw that the car's clock said "3:33" am. The clock was probably broken. He should've been asleep by now. But he was so out of it. The way Jonah's face curled into a sob, eyes watery and body shaking. It looked like he'd been holding it in for a while. Adam couldn't muster up the feeling of anything. The pit inside his chest was indescribable, just like everything else. He decided it wasn't worth to dwell on it now, and promptly snuggled closer to Jonah's warmth and closed his eyes. Adam fell asleep with arms wrapped around Jonah's frame, pulling impossibly closer with his face tucked into the top of his hair.