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Kaidan’s arm drifted instinctively to the other side of the bed even before he fully awoke, seeking familiar warmth and reassurance that the woman he loved was still there. The cool sheets misplaced pillow made for a harsh realization, however, that she was not. Groggily lifting his head to investigate, he quickly verified that Shepard had indeed gone missing. For the faintest moment, he thought he’d gone back in time to the countless nights where he’d fruitlessly reached for her after the Normandy’s destruction over Alchera. Just before the panic set in, though, he noticed the faint glow of the aquarium. He remembered where he was and who had, at least, been there when he’d fallen asleep.
He pushed himself upright with a great yawn, rubbing his eyes briefly with the heels of his hands to clear his vision and prepare to search. He glanced first around the bed, then to the couch and the desk. He wondered how Shepard had managed to leave without him noticing, but then he spotted her, curled up and sitting on the stairs. He paused for a moment, wondering what it was she was doing and why she wasn’t in bed.
As he stood and made his way over to her, he realized that she wasn’t paying attention to much of anything around her. Locked in a nearly trance-like state, she stared blankly at the floor and the sight of it had him concerned for her well being.
“Can’t sleep?” Kaidan quietly asked as he studied her response.
She was slow to blink herself back to reality and look up at him, but when she did, she offered him a very faint smile. “I don’t sleep much.”
“Well the first step would be to get into bed,” he answered, holding out his hand to help her up.
Shepard took his hand, but pulled suddenly rather than allowing herself to be brought to her feet. Not having fully recovered from his sleep nor fully anticipating her actions, he was caught off balance and found himself quickly leaning downwards, nearly falling into her. She, however, managed to catch him with a gentle hand to his chest before he fully tumbled, then pressed a reassuring kiss to his lips. Her smirk suggested that she’d meant for all of that to happen. “You go. I’ll follow.”
Kaidan straightened up and watched her for a moment. There was something strange in her expression that he couldn’t quite place. He’d seen her under stress, in pain, happy, sad, angry, and nearly every emotional state in between. There was something distant about her visage now that he found a bit unsettling. He turned and took a seat, curling an arm around her. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s no big deal. I just don’t sleep a lot,” she quietly responded, leaning her head against his shoulder.
“I wish you would,” he confessed, pulling her closer.
“I’m surprised you hadn’t noticed sooner. I only sleep for an hour or two at a time. It’s been like this since… since I came back after Alchera, I guess. It gets worse if I am stressed.”
“So… all the time, then,” Kaidan concluded as he rubbed his hand soothingly over her back.
“Maybe,” Shepard acknowledged. “Gives me plenty of time to figure out how I’m going to amass galactic support, take back Earth, Palaven, Rannoch, Thessia, and the rest of the galaxy, not to mention how to use the Crucible.”
“Any luck yet?” Now that Kaidan thought about it, none of those issues had clear solutions, as far as he knew. It bothered him to know she was so consumed with thinking about so many near insurmountable problems.
“No,” came her bitter reply. It sounded as though she wanted to say more, maybe vent, but ultimately she remained silent.
“I think some rest would help take your mind off things, if nothing else.”
She looked over at him for a long moment before responding. “If you knew the things I saw every time I closed my eyes…” She trailed off, seemingly unsure of how to explain. “It’s better if I just stay awake.”
“That’s not healthy.” Kaidan’s brow furrowed as he truly became concerned for her. Not that there had ever been a time when he wasn’t worried for Shepard, even when he’d walked away from her on Horizon. He would forever be protective of her, but now he saw the vulnerability, the damage she’d accumulated over years of dangerous service. This was the side of the indomitable Commander that few ever witnessed.
Shepard grinned at him, smoothing over his brow with her fingers. She cupped his cheek and leaned in to kiss him, holding him there for a long moment. Once she finally withdrew, there was a hint of sadness in her gaze that gripped his heart tightly. “You know I love you, right?”
“Yes,” he croaked, his reply only barely creeping around a lump forming in his throat. “I love you, too, but why does that sound like a goodbye?”
“I need to know right now,” she began, her voice strangely peaceful. “Will you forgive me for whatever choices I have to make?”
“Wait, I don’t–” Kaidan started before she began to explain. He wondered if he was in his own nightmare now.
“I can’t seem to think of ways to solve some of these problems, but everyone needs me to figure it out. The only pattern I see is more sacrifice as things progress. Ending this might take my–”
Kaidan’s heart dropped. Even in his half-asleep state, he understood what she was asking of him, but he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself. He wasn’t going to allow her to make a rash decision like that if he could help it. He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her again.
“I don’t plan on that being necessary. I’d take the blow myself first,” he rather adamantly answered. He meant every word of it.
She smiled ruefully at him, sliding her fingers reverently along his jaw, her eyes roving intently across his face. No one ever looked at him that way. He was thrilled and terrified by it. “This may be hard to believe, but there are some sacrifices that I’m not willing to make.”
Kaidan swallowed hard. She’d chosen the words carefully and he knew her well enough to catch the meaning. He’d chosen to sacrifice himself for the good of the mission once, and Shepard had intervened to prevent it from happening. She’d stop him from doing so again in a heartbeat, taking that danger upon herself to ensure that he’d survive. She, on the other hand, had given up her life to save people before, and clearly had little problem with doing it again. She wanted his blessing to do so. He simply couldn’t give it.
“Sorry,” she murmured, likely noting the awful expression that was certainly written across his features now. “When I have time to contemplate these things, my mind goes… places. Just… I love you.”
“I love you, but…” Kaidan abruptly stood, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in his chest. He was shaking, but he was fairly sure she hadn’t noticed that yet. Or if she had, she hadn’t made it known. “Your question is going to negate a question I had for you.”
Kaidan swiftly hauled her up onto his shoulders, and while she squealed in surprise, she didn’t put up much of a fight. Shepard laughed as he dropped her onto the bed and settled in next to her.
“And what’s that, tough guy?”
“Will you marry me?”
Her eyes went wide with shock as she stared up at him from the bed. Even if they’d briefly discussed the topic before, he hadn’t come out and asked yet. He hadn’t intended to add anything else to her plate, but he couldn’t help but think she might need more reasons to survive. He needed her to return when all was said and done. He’d had grand plans of giving her a ring, one made with diamonds passed through his family, in fact, but at the moment, the question itself was more important.
Shepard opened her mouth to say something, perhaps even answer, but Kaidan shook his head and pressed his finger gently to her lips.
“If you’re not going to sleep, just… think about it, okay?”