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Sirius never thought he’d be a parent.
Growing up his home had been filled with cruelty, his mother cold and father angry. It had made their love a complicated thing, constantly ebbing and flowing. His father would throw a glass because Sirius had spilt juice across his office desk and the next night sneak him sweets during a dinner party, with a cheeky grin and a finger brought to his lips. He would strike the final key of his piano and his mother would smile and nod with approval. He would rip the knees of his trousers and the back of her hand would strike across his face.
Their love was many things, though never simple.
Even after Sirius ran away and the bruises faded, the effects lingered. He never felt safe, as if the cruelty had found home not in the walls of grimmauld place but his own heart. He didn’t trust easily. He drank too much. He had trouble sleeping and the tendency to tear both himself and those he loved apart.
His pain was rarely his own. It seeped from his veins into his lungs, tainting every breath he made, angry and demanding. ‘I’m a black hole,’ he’d once whispered, his legs brought to his chest as tears spilled down his cheeks. James had clung onto him, whispering senseless promises and meaningless reassurances.
They both knew it was true, stars had few fates, and Sirius couldn’t pull a child into his orbit.
When he meets Remus and his two year old son Teddy, he has the same fear; he’ll tear them apart, it's the only thing he knows how to do. But Sirius is selfish and no matter how deep his fears settle he can’t stop himself from falling in love.
He carves himself a space in their family and he tries his best to deserve it.
He helps make breakfast and takes Teddy to the park. He cries one night because he’s going to hurt him; his parents taught him how to love, he doesn’t know how to without leaving bruises. Remus holds him, refusing to accept the inevitable. He cheers when Teddy rides a bike for the first time and teaches him how to kick a football. He presses kisses to his cheeks, blows raspberries across his belly, and reads bedtime stories at night. He cries to James. He cries to Peter. He tries to leave and Remus won’t let him. He helps plan Teddy’s third birthday, and then his fourth. He plans halloween costumes. He screams himself awake. He tries to leave and Tonks won’t let him. He stands alongside Remus and Tonks, Teddy’s parents, during Teddy’s preschool graduation, and cheers as the small child walks across the stage, grad cap falling over his eyes.
Every step Sirius takes is hesitant, shadowed by his own past, and yet it’s also taken with Remus’s hand in his own.
It’s shortly after Teddy turns five that Cambridge invites Remus to speak about his research at an upcoming conference. He shakes his head, tosses the letter aside, and wonders what they should make for dinner, as if it were nothing more than another bill.
“Don’t be a twat,” Sirius says, “you’ve ought to go.”
“It’s for a week, I can’t leave Teddy that long.”
“He can stay with Tonks.”
Remus only shakes his head fondly and opens the fridge.
It takes another week to finally convince him to go, and another afterwards when they find out Teddy’s mom has a gallery opening in France that week. And though the thought of watching Teddy alone for such a long time causes the familiar fear to claw up his throat, Sirius refuses to be the reason Remus makes another sacrifice.
When Remus leaves Teddy becomes quieter. He cries periodically through the day, he tosses and turns at night, and though Sirius knows it’s the first time Teddy has been away from either of his parents, he can’t help but feel as if it’s his own doing. He’s too loud. Too quiet. Too angry. Too much.
On the fourth night, after a day filled with tears, Sirius lets Teddy sleep in his and Remus’s bed. He helps him brush his teeth and pull on pjs, and when he tucks him in he presses playful kisses to his cheeks, before flicking off the light and laying next to him.
Sirius doesn't sleep. He stares at the dark ceiling and listens to the pattering of rain, as his fears linger. He wonders if they’ll ever completely fade, or if he’ll spend the rest of his life feeling like an imposter; trying his hardest to fill a role in Teddy’s life he hadn’t been made for.
“Seer-us?”
Teddy’s voice is small, even against the silence and Sirius hums in response. He wonders how long they've been laying there for, both unable to sleep.
“Are you my dad?”
He stills. He takes a shaky breath then turns to look at Teddy.
Through the darkness he can make out the faintest outline of the child, his wide eyes and puckered out lips. His round cheeks and arms wrapped tightly around his stuffed rabbit.
He looks like Remus it's undeniable.
“Am I your dad?” Sirius whispers and Teddy nods. “Why do you ask?”
Teddy looks down to his toy and shrugs. “You do the same things as daddy,” he says, “and help me brush my teeth, and- and buy me toys, and you love me, and I love you so many."
“I do love you,” Sirius replies, his throat tight from an emotion he can’t name. For a moment he doesn’t continue, letting the rain fill the silence as he gathers his own thoughts. “I suppose that’s up to you to decide, I'm whatever you want me to be.”
“Do I say dad?” Teddy whispers.
“If you want.”
When Teddy doesn’t look up Sirius whispers a ‘come here,’ and gently pulls him into his chest.
His own nose burns as he holds Teddy in his arms. He’s small, frail, vulnerable, and yet trusts Sirius with every part of him, as if he would never leave a bruise.
A tear rolls down Sirius’s cheek and he doesn’t wipe it away.
“If you want to call me dad you can,” he whispers, his chin resting against the top of Teddy’s head. “And if you don't, that's alright too. It doesn’t matter what I am to you Teds, I’ll love you either way. Nothing can change that.”
Teddy shifts in his arms, then stills. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Sirius manages to reply through his silent tears.
It's two weeks later when Teddy calls him dad for the first time.
Sirius is sat at a picnic table taking out their lunches while Remus follows Teddy along the beach.
"Dad," Teddy shrieks through giggles, as Sirius pours them each a glass of juice. "Dad! Dad!"
He glances over, not because he thinks anything of it, but because he loves to watch Remus with Teddy. The two of them are on the shoreline, though Teddy isn't looking at Remus, but Sirius, a grin across his face.
"Dad!" Teddy cries as the carton of juices falls from Sirius's hand "Come look!"
He doesn't bother cleaning it. He stumbles down the beach to where his family is and watches in a haze as Teddy flips a rock, screeching in glee as Remus catches one of the small crabs that had been hiding underneath.
His throat is tight and when Teddy grins up at him his smile is nothing short of warmth and joy. "Did you see?" he asks.
Sirius nods weakly, tears blurring his vision.
He can't speak. It's so simple.