Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

2:59 a.m.

On the third floor of a small, dingy apartment. Seongje sat on the hard, tiled floor of his dark bathroom. He was hysterically coughing and gagging over the toilet bowl, spewing out his insides. Everything before was a blur, all happening instantaneously. One second he was doom scrolling on his phone, and the next, the impending feeling of throwing up.

“Fuck…” he breathed out when the coughing subsided. His voice was shaky, limbs gone weak from supporting all the force used to cough. He lies in silence trying to catch his breath and steady his heartbeat. Minutes pass, and as Seongje starts feeling stabilized again, he peers into the toilet. Eyes trembling as he sees what came out of his mouth.

Flower petals. Fucking flower petals.

Orange petals floated atop the water, lining the bottom of the toilet. He’s not an idiot. He knows what it means when flower petals are inside the human body. Coughing petals could only have one meaning. The hanahaki disease. The sickness of unrequited love.

But that’s the problem. Seongje didn’t do love. He didn’t do feelings at all. For his entire life, he has been indifferent to everyone. He’s never felt love or affection for anyone. Not to his friends, not to Baekjin, not even to his parents. As far as he’s concerned, love is not a word in his dictionary. The heartwarming, gushy, and tender love humans would feel towards one another. It disgusted him. Love was not a favourable feeling. It meant weakness. A critical point waiting to be attacked.

So why was he, of all people, coughing petals on a Tuesday morning?

The fluorescent lights flickered, the buzzing noise ringing through his ears as he stayed motionless on the floor. Orange blinded his sight; it was the only thing he could see in the dark room. They danced atop the water, mocking Seongje’s so-called ‘love.’

He slouches against the sink, hitting his head against the porcelain. “This is lame…” he mutters as he picks up a petal that had fallen out. Seongje brings the petal close to his face; he didn’t even know what flower this could be from, and he couldn’t care less. All he could focus on was how this even happened in the first place. He doesn’t know who could have triggered hanahaki disease, but he goes through a mental list of people that he has interactions with.

Baekjin was the first person to come to mind, but the only feeling he has towards him is admiration. The way he could so masterfully piece together and lead an entire union and still be ten steps ahead of everyone else intrigues Seongje. However, Baekjin's interpersonal connection and obsession with Baku is a severe problem. No matter how fast, how strong, or how smart Baekjin is, that one emotional link will be the downfall of him, and Seongje thinks that's pathetic.

Sieun was another possibility. The newbie with an interesting look on his face. His expression is always deadpan, yet his true feelings are always visible on his face. He was fun to fight. A new challenge to work around his environmental fighting style. Each time they spar is a new experience, but his lack of reaction and silence got boring real fast.

Hyuntak, on the other hand, was a fun one. His playmate that he claimed in the first year of high school. Easy to rile up, controlled by anger, and feisty. The way he continues to fight even when he's at a disadvantage, even with his broken knee, and even when he's battered and bruised. His spirit is hard to shatter, but Seongje loves to see it break by his own hands. That was all he was to him—a toy, something for his entertainment. A cure for his boredom. Nothing more, nothing less.

Besides, how could Seongje love someone if he’s never felt that emotion before? Much less for someone he picks fights with almost every day. The foreign feeling was never meant to settle inside Seongje. He made sure of it. The flowers must be a mistake.

His eyes narrowed, brain hurting from thinking too much. He crushes the petal in his hands and lets it slip between his fingers and into the toilet. Seongje takes one final glance at the flowers before flushing and walking out.

‘I’ll deal with this tomorrow,’ he thought.

—

Days had passed since that Tuesday, and the paranoia never went away.

Cautious of his surroundings, he ever so carefully navigated his day like it was a chess game. One against an unknown player, a game against fate. He vowed to keep his disease a secret because he couldn’t admit it. Geum Seongje, the mad dog in love? ‘What a stupid sentence,’ he thought to himself. Because in no lifetime would he have ever fallen in love.

However, it didn’t stop him from unconsciously changing his habits. His lackeys, whose faces were blurred in his mind, are now imprinted front and centre. Every action taken is calculated to be two steps ahead of everyone else. Enough to stay far away from others, but close enough to test the waters. The more he caved into his unusual behaviour, the more his aggression grew. Irritated beyond belief.

Because throughout the past week, not once has he coughed. Petals dormant as if they never existed.

As if that Tuesday morning was a hallucination, a nightmare of a deep-rooted problem. And maybe it would be better to believe it was a hoax. That he didn’t throw up a hundred petals in that dark bathroom.

But he couldn’t. Seongje could still remember the putrid smell of stomach acid mixed with the sweet floral scent of the flower. How he stayed for an hour hunched over that toilet, flipping his guts inside out. The raw and grotesque feeling lingering as the colour orange mocked him. He couldn’t forget that night.

Even now, he still believes this disease was a mistake. A sickness put on him as a cruel joke. Karma finally catching up to him. Because there was no other logical explanation. Seongje knew he couldn’t feel love, and he can’t give love either.

So, there he sits, in Beakjin's office of a sketchy bowling alley, smoking a pack of freshly bought cigarettes. Trying to distract himself from everything.

“Calm down, Seongje, you’re making it hard to focus,” Baekjin’s voice cuts through the silence.

Seongje snuffs out his cigarette on the table, turning to look straight at Beakjin, who was tapping his pen aggressively on the desk. “What do you mean? I’d say, I’m perfectly fine.”

“You’ve been shaking your leg far too much, and you’re on your 8th cigarette in this one sitting. Plus, you’ve been acting strange recently, too cautious of something.”

Seongje laughs at his comment, a fake smile plastered on his face. For someone who cares so little, Baekjin is always so observant. “So what? Can’t a man let loose once in a while? Life’s getting tough, so I gotta fix it somehow.”

“Go fix it somewhere else then; I need to focus, and you need to go back to normal.”

Although he’d hate to admit it, Baekjin was right. All this pent-up stress has been affecting him. The constant worrying and thinking had gone to his head. Messing up his cognitive thinking. He needed to punch something, or rather, someone. And he knew the perfect person to fill that role.

“Maybe I will.” Seongje stands up from the couch, lighting another cigarette before heading towards the door. “I’ll be back in a few hours.” He winks at Baekjin before closing the door. Seongje only had one person in mind to help him de-stress, and he knew exactly where to find him. At the underpass.

—

He waited in the underpass for what felt like hours but was really only half an hour. Leaning against the wall, gaze searching for a specific figure to come around. One that was 3 cm shorter, with a messy undercut and an obnoxiously bright blue hoodie.

Go Hyuntak.

Right on cue, Gotak had rounded the corner and immediately stopped in his tracks as he spotted Seongje at the other end of the tunnel. His face instantly changed from a relaxed state to a scowl. Seongje always found it amusing how his expression never hid his true emotions. Easy to read and easy to mess with.

“Not with your ragtag team of friends this time? Where’s the newbie, or that little bunny?”

“What are you doing here?”

Seongje scoffed at the question, stalking closer towards Gotak. “And why are you here? Alone, no backup, in the underpass where we always seem to encounter each other?”

Gotak didn’t respond, but Seongje could see his fist clench, anger rising slowly.

“Did you miss me? It’s been a while since we’ve last seen each other, puppy.” He leaned in closer, face inches apart from Gotaks. His gaze was piercing, a knife through the stomach, and Seongje wanted him to push it in further.

“You know…things have been a little too peaceful recently.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Hyuntak crossed his arms, his stance prepping itself for a surprise attack.

“Nothing. I’ve just been so bored recently, and I also have a strong urge to break something.”

“You’re not breaking my other knee. I won’t let you.”

“No, no, of course not. I’m not that cruel now. I still need my puppy to follow commands,” he chuckles, lighting another cigarette. “I was thinking maybe I could make you feel less lonely if I gave a matching one to glasses.”

That was it. The final straw to shatter Gotak’s composure. Seongje saw his eye twitch, expression darken, and the fiery attitude ignite.

Then Gotak swung, his fist flying fast at Seongje’s face. His head lolled to the side from the impact, stumbling a few steps. His hand cups the side of his face, feeling the red imprint of Gotak’s punch.

He feels alive. The most thrill he’s felt this entire week. This is exactly what he’s been missing. He had forgotten how much fun it was to play with his favorite toy, and he wanted more of it.

Gotak tried to kick his knees in an attempt to knock him down, but Seongje was able to dodge quickly and deliver his own punch in retaliation. They continued this back and forth, Seongje’s smile wide while Gotak was focused.

By this time they were both heaving, gasping for their breath, battered and bruised.

“You asshole, you just don’t know when to stop, do you?” Hyuntak said while panting heavily.

“Where’s the fun in that, princess?” Seongje replied, wiping the blood from his nose with the back of his hand.

“Don’t fucking call me that!” Hyuntak swung at him once again. Except this time, Seongje extended his leg just enough to trip him. Hyuntak’s face falls into his chest, Seongje’s arm wrapping around his waist to stabilize him.

“You really do act like a little princess. Falling onto me like i’m your knight in shining armour”

Gotak lifts his head slightly, their faces close enough to feel each other’s hot breath. The fierce and angry expression is now a puppy-like confused look.

It was cute.

Cute?

Seongje has never found anyone cute before. The only time he finds things cute is when people try to weakly squirm away from his grasp. Desperately praying for their lives, like Seongje himself will steal their last breath.

But he’s never seen someone’s appearance as cute before. Especially not a wavering puppy-dog-eyed face. However, here he is, mesmerized at Gotak’s expression and how he grips the cloth of his hoodie.

It’s pathetic, really, but subconsciously his arm tightened around his waist, pulling their bodies closer.

“What are you doing?! Let go of me!” Gotak yells but with no conviction. He starts hitting his chest, wiggling around to free himself from Seongje, but his grasp was relentless. He was not going to let go. Not after having so much fun. Seongje has had the most miserable week of his life. Ever since that one Tuesday morning, he’s felt like shit. Ever since the flowers…

‘Since the flowers…’

And as that memory bubbled up to the forefront of his mind, he felt it.

The feeling of soft petals growing in his lungs. Accumulating gradually until it felt suffocating.

For the first time that week, he coughed. One harsh cough that came with blood. The droplets fell to the ground, and everything turned to slow motion.

“Seongje?” Gotak called out, this time with a slight concern in his tone.

For a split second, he looked at Hyuntak with a scared expression. Although he was still smiling, Hyuntak could see it in his eyes. They were trembling. Fearful.

He pushed Gotak away, slowly backing away and covering his mouth. “Sorry, Tak-ah,” Seongje chokes out. “Looks like our playdate will have to be cut short; don’t miss me too much while I’m gone.” He gives a strained smile before turning around and walking away. Only when he knows he’s out of sight, Seongje books it to the closest place he knows.

The warehouse.

As he runs to the worn-out building, he can feel the petals breaching past his lungs into his trachea. His oxygen was running low, and he needed to act fast.

He flings the warehouse door open and runs to a rusty bucket on the floor. Immediately buckling over and coughing a stream of petals. It felt never-ending. Every time flowers left his body, more seemed to grow in its stead.

Countless petals overflowed the bucket, spilling onto the floor. Blood, saliva, and the large flower petals were all mixed together in a heterogeneous mixture.

Once he finally stopped coughing, he slumped against the wall to support himself. His vision was blurry, lungs trying to make up for the lost oxygen, and most importantly, there was an ache in his chest. Seongje wasn’t sure if it was because of the petals or if it was the realization that the person he supposedly fell in love with was Gotak.

“No, that’s fucking impossible.” He said, slamming his head back against the wall.

It was impossible. Seongje never felt love, and certainly not for Gotak. The most he felt for him was amusement. When he looks at him with a piercing glare that could kill. When he would calculate each kick to accommodate his broken knee. When he would talk back, never letting Seongje have the last word. Whenever his presence was near, all boredom would disappear.

It was fun. He was fun.

But that's all he was. A tool to entertain Seongje. It was impossible for feelings to develop, and he made sure of it.

Always staying one step ahead, baiting Gotak to follow his plans. He stayed close enough to leave Gotak wanting more but far enough away so that he was a mystery. There was absolutely no room for love in his life.

But the flowers don’t lie.

The cursed flowers. The mere existence of the petals on the floor was proof it was evidence of this unconscious love. Yet it still wasn’t enough to make him believe it.

He rummaged through his pockets for a cigarette, lighting one up and taking a deep inhale.

“Stupid flowers,” he mumbled.

“Orange lilies”

The voice rang out throughout the warehouse. Baekjin was leaning against the doorframe, staring down at Seongje.

“So, this is why you’ve been acting strange all week.”

“I told you I’m fine,” Seongje said, covering the pain with a smile.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Baekjin pushes himself off the door and makes his way to Seongje, hovering over him menacingly. “This is a deadly disease, Seongje. It’s not something that will just go away.”

Seongje lets a chuckle escape his lips. “Is the big boss man worried about me? How delightful!”

Baekjin rolls his eyes at the comment. Not ready to deal with his games. “So…” he pauses, analyzing the weak boy in front of him. “Is it Hyuntak?”

For a split second, Seongje’s expression changes. Wide eyes and pure shock that came as fast as it left, but Baekjin still caught a glimpse of that face.

“Gotak? What would make you assume that?”

“It’s obvious. If someone took one close look at you and Hyuntak’s… situationship, anyone could deduce as much.”

Seongje’s smile flattened. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s not hard to see how you suddenly light up whenever he’s around.”

“Hah, as if. He’s just too fun to mess around with.” Seongje scoffs, breaking eye contact with Baekjin.

“You really think so?” Baekjin hummed while lightly kicking the bucket filled with petals.

“So what? It’s none of your business anyways,” he snaps back.

“It is my business. I still need you for the union.”

Seongje laughs before falling into a long silence. He knew Baekjin well enough that his words were a cover-up for his worry. Saying he doesn’t care. That it’s all for the union, but he knows and saw the fear in his face when he saw the petals.

Eventually, Baekjin reaches his hand out towards Seongje, gesturing for the other to grab hold. Seongje gracefully accepts and gets pulled up from the floor. His body still felt weak, but he was able to walk on his own.

“You better fix whatever you have going on with him soon.“ Baekjin dusts his hands off. “I have some business to attend to. Don’t linger too long, and for the love of god sort out your feelings properly before it turns ugly.” And with that, he left. Leaving Seongje standing in the middle of the warehouse alone.

—

It didn’t take long for Seongje to put his plan of healing his hanahaki into action. It wasn’t like Seongje actually liked Gotak, so it should be easy, right?

All he needs to do is remind himself of how he truly feels about Gotak. That he was nothing more to him than a chess piece. One used to further himself in life, to give him enjoyment, to toy, play, and manipulate.

Seongje has a plan to make him remember Gotak’s role. A thought-out, thorough plan that will make the disease realize Seongje is not the person to be given flowers.

It starts with the first encounter. In front of the school gate of Eunjang. When the final bell rings and the boy in blue walks out with his pathetic friends circling him.

They see each other immediately. The faintest hint of the others' presence, enough to guide their eyes to each other. Gotak stops a few meters away, shocked to see him in front of his school.

“Gotak? What’s up?” Baku calls out, waving his hand in front of Hyuntak, whose gaze is locked and unwavering on Seongje. Baku was ignorant of his presence, but the other two seemed to notice him as Juntae tapped on Baku’s shoulder and pointed his way.

“What is he doing here?” Baku’s face quickly turns into a scowl as Seongje comes into view.

“My, if it isn’t my playmate? How have you been, pup?”

“You’re in front of my fucking school. Don’t act shocked to see me.”

“Straight to the point as always. I’ve always liked that about you.” Seongje lurks closer towards Hyuntak before Sieun steps in the way. If expressions could kill, Seongje would’ve been six feet under the moment he locked eyes with Sieun.

He threw his arms in the air, playing innocent and giving a sarcastic frown. “Whoa there, no need to get so defensive. I’m not here to pick a fight. I just wanted to do a check-in.”

“Well, you’ve seen him. Now scram before I fuck you up.” Baku steps forward as well, getting uncomfortably close to Seongje. But for a split second, he swore he saw Hyuntak’s eye twitch when Baku came close. It was barely noticeable that he might’ve imagined it, but that small body movement fed his ego.

“Calm down, Baku; your single brain cell might get used up if you continue to talk like that.”

A small snicker came from Hyuntak’s mouth that everyone heard. That small laugh was very amusing, enough to make Seongje smile like a manic idiot.

“Tak-ah, don’t laugh at his joke!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Hyuntak waved his hand, pulling Baku’s arm back and stepping forward himself. “But seriously, why are you here? Starting a fight here would be a bad idea. The teacher patrols around here frequently.”

“As I’ve said, I came for a check-up, especially after the other day.” When Seongje mentions their previous encounter, the three others become worried with a questioning look on their faces. Which made Seongje want to fuel the fire even more.

He grabbed Hyuntak’s neck, pulling his head to the side to reveal a bandage patch under his collarbone. “Looks like it’s doing well, although I would prefer you didn’t cover up my mark.”

Baku’s hand wrapped around Seongje’s wrist tightly. Gripping so hard that the veins were popping out of his hand and hard enough to force Seongje’s hand to release Gotak.

“Baku, stop it; it’s not worth it.” Hyuntak patted his shoulder, signaling for Baku to calm down. Seeing the wholesome moment in front of him, Seongje wanted to crush all of Gotak’s support system to its core. Wanting for Hyuntak to rely on him only, for him to be alone so that he could consume him whole.

Seongje reached out to Gotak, but the desire for wanting Gotak sparked the production of flowers. His lungs got heavy, pollen sticking to his tissues as the petals bloomed. Struggling to keep the flower in, he covered his mouth to hide his distress.

“Well, that was fun.” He pulls out his phone, pretending to check a nonexistent message that he received. “But I’ve got better shit to do now. See you. Don’t miss me too much, Tak-ah~” His tone was playful but strained as he left the four boys standing in confusion. He could only hope that his act was believable enough.

—

The first encounter didn’t go exactly as Seongje expected. He wasn’t able to put Hyuntak in his place in front of the school and with his friends around. But the next part of his plan was sure to rid him of the blight.

Four days later, Seongje waited at night by a convenience store. The store just down the street that Gotak would visit for late-night refreshers and snacks.

And also the actual first time they met. They didn’t know each other at the time, but Seongje was smoking outside the convenience store with some classmates in his first year.

Gotak walked out of the store with a bag of snacks in his hand, he was greeted with a face full of smoke, which caused him to cough at the bitter smell.

“Yah, go smoke somewhere else. Do you really need to be jerks and smoke right outside the door?”

Seongje, who had been halfheartedly listening to the others' conversations, turned his body to see who dared to scold him. There stood Hyuntak with a grimace on his face, hand on his hip as the ringing of the door faded into nothingness. The way he presented himself to a group of high school delinquents made a strong impression on him.

It wasn’t until after he joined the union that their paths would cross again, being promoted from the puppy at the convenience store to Go Hyuntak.

Seongje checked his phone, the time reading 11:30 pm. He knew Hyuntak would arrive soon, knowing that Gotak typically gets hungry at this time from late-night basketball practice or workouts.

Only a few minutes later and a sweaty boy approaches the revoltingly bright convenience store. Seongje was sitting on one of the chairs outside, with an empty bowl of instant ramen and a new pack of cigarettes.

“Hey Gotak, been a while, hasn’t it?”

“It’s been four days.”

“Are you counting the days since we last saw each other? How romantic.”

“I’m not—whatever.” Gotak walks past Seongje, entering the store while the familiar jingle echoes the street when the doors slide open. After 5 minutes, the door rang out again, and Gotak stepped out with a small plastic bag in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. Seongje stood up from his seat and wrapped his arm around Hyuntak’s shoulder.

Gotak shook his arm off, turning to give him an annoyed look. “Get off of me; I’m not in the mood to deal with your antics today.”

The casual brush-off pissed off Seongje more than it should have. He threw his half-smoked cigarette on the ground, not bothering to stamp on it, and grabbed Gotak's jaw to bring him closer.

“You’re my playmate. And I say you are coming with me.” Seongje whispered in his ear before forcibly pulling him into a nearby alley. He threw Hyuntak onto the side of a building, causing him to crash into a stack of cardboard boxes.

“You asshole! What is wrong with you?!”

“Everything.” He scoffs before grabbing his jaw again, pulling it side to side to get a clearer view of his face. “Did you like playing the hopeless princess last time? Having three men save you from the big bad wolf?”

“You? The big bad wolf? Don’t make me laugh.”

“You sure about that? Seems like I was the big villain in your story. Last I checked, the only time you needed backup was with me.”

Gotak smacks Seongje's hand away, standing up and brushing the dust off his clothes. “I don’t need saving. Especially not from you.”

“Really? Then how about you show me?” Seongje’s smirk grew wide as he launched his fist towards Hyuntak. He just barely was able to dodge the surprise attack by ducking under.

“Don’t play dirty, you freak; I wasn’t ready.”

“There is no such thing as dirty tricks in my book.” Seongje teased before throwing another punch to his stomach. Hyuntak buckled over from the impact as Seongje delivered another hit to his face. Recovering from the injuries, Gotak retaliates with his own punch followed by a kick to the head, which Seongje blocks with his forearm. They continue fighting, landing and missing hits until Seongje was hovering over a heavily injured Gotak on the ground.

“You’re really showing me how capable you are, aren’t you? Oh, what a dreamy man you are, fighting for your life.” Seongje says sarcastically, crouching down to meet him eye to eye.

“Fuck off.” Hyuntak tries to kick Seongje again, but he grabs his leg with a strong grip and throws his leg over his shoulder.

“What—what the fuck are you doing?!” Gotak stumbled over his words, clearly flustered by their compromising position.

“Trying to tame a puppy. All bark but no bite, how cute.”

“Let go of my leg, you psycho!” Gotak exclaimed, a slight hue of pink flushing up to his cheeks.

“Free yourself. Didn’t you say you could handle me all by yourself?” Seongje watched Gotak hopelessly squirm to gain back custody of his leg.

And of course, at the worst possible moment, the petals tear him inside out as the slick organs lubricate the flowers and breach into his trachea, blocking his only path to oxygen. This time was faster, the garden growing in mere minutes, leaving no time for reaction. He quickly released Gotak's leg, using that hand to turn away and cover his mouth as each sharp cough ripped open a new scar in his muscles.

Seongje’s eyes wavered towards Hyuntak as the petals threatened to spill from his lips. For the first time, he couldn’t read his expression. It was confused, worried, and disgusted, everything combined into one face, and not knowing what he was thinking caused a pain in his chest.

He didn’t even bother to give a farewell this time. Seongje just pushed himself up and ran out of the alley, sprinting to anywhere desolate and isolated.

He settled on a small park in a residential area where no one seemed to be walking around. Covering himself behind a bush, he covered the grass in bright orange petals. The lively flower took its nutrients from him to produce its fresh, vibrant look, but in its process of growth, it was decaying him inside out.

Seongje slams his chest, trying to stop the garden in his lungs from flourishing anymore. “Stop fucking with me. I do not like that stupid-ass boy!” He screamed at no one in particular.

After a few minutes of torture, Seongje’s phone buzzes in his pocket. It was a text from Baekjin.

‘Come to my office right now. Don’t be late’

“Fuck… As if my night couldn’t get any worse.” He huffed out when most of the flowers were out of his system. Digging through his pockets, he takes out the pack of cigarettes he bought at the convenience store earlier and lights a new one. “This is gonna be a long night.” Seongje sighs before making his way to the bowling lane.

—

Seongje bursts through the doors, not caring about how much noise he’s making. Baekjin was sitting at his desk like usual, working on some homework.

“So? What do you want?” He plops himself onto the couch, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

“How’s the progress on your disease?”

“That’s what you called me in here for?”

“Answer the question.” Baekjin sets down his pencil, tilting his head towards Seongje.

“It’s going great. In a few days’ time, I think I will be cured.”

“Really? Because why did I just get a message 30 minutes ago that they saw you sprinting down the street covering your mouth?”

Seongje stops in his tracks, ash falling onto his jeans. “As I’ve said, all is going according to plan.”

“You fighting Hyuntak is not going to solve your problems, Seongje. In fact, you’re worsening your own condition by doing so. What you need to do is stay away from him; maybe some distance can make your feelings go away.”

“Fuck you, I don’t like Hyuntak.” Seongje barked back while standing up and walking over to his desk. Baekjin leans over his desk, elbows resting on the table.

“You can say whatever you want, but it’s not going to make the flowers disappear.”

“Fuck you, Baekjin. I don’t want to deal with this right now. What a waste of my time.” Seongje turns to walk away until he hears a thud on the table. On the table, a fat stack of cash sitting right next to Baekjin.

“Get the surgery, Seongje. You are the only person wasting time by doing some roundabout plan that won’t work.”

Seongje walks back to the desk, grabbing the stack of cash off the table. “Is this really how you want to be spending our funds? On something that can be so easily fixed?”

“If it’s the only option. Which is what it seems like right now because you can’t leave Hyuntak the fuck alone.”

“I don’t need your pity money. I know you’re only doing this because you need me for the union.” Seongje drops the cash on the table, making a loud thud, and crosses his arms in retaliation.

“Fine, don’t get the surgery. But that means you will not come into contact with Hyuntak ever again. Not until your hanahaki is cured.”

Seongje slams his palms on the table. “You don’t fucking control me. I can do whatever I want, asshole.”

“Then I’ll break him. I will find Hyuntak, and I’ll break his other knee, or worse. And you know that I will.”

When Baekjin finished his sentence, Seongje grabbed him by the collar, pulling him over the desk. “Don’t fucking touch him. You didn't have permission then, and you don't have permission now. He is my playmate. Only for me to destroy.”

“See, this is why your condition has not changed. You say that you don’t like Hyuntak and then say shit like this with your whole chest. Just accept my proposition. You know better than anyone else that I have eyes and ears everywhere. Don’t test me, Seongje; I will do it.” Seongje grimaces as he lets go of Baekjin's collar. He does know that. He knows that Baekjin has lackeys all over the city and would not hesitate to spare some to monitor him.

“Fine.” Seongje slaps the table one more time. Putting his hands in his pockets as he heads towards the door and leaves.

—

It has been a few days since Seongje agreed to Baekjin's terms. And he’s been sticking to it as much as he can. Going to school, playing games at the PC bang, working for the union, fighting some random thugs—the normal. But sometimes he would get an itch, one that was constant and irritating.

It made him feel restless and made him fidget with his sleeves. At first he tried to distract himself by playing games. Several rounds of league of legends, a new open-world RPG, or a classic shooter, but it didn’t get rid of the strange sensation. In fact, as more time passed by, the worse the itch became.

Which is probably why he finds himself outside Hyuntak’s neighbourhood at 3 am. Seongje doesn’t know when he left the house or when he arrived; he just followed where his legs took him, and it coincidentally took him to Gotak’s house.

He stood outside the fencing looking into a window on the second floor. The curtains were closed, but a small light was on with a faint shadowy figure sitting at a desk, working away.

It was a cold night, almost freezing, but Seongje was never the kind to be affected by the cold. So, he continued to stand outside, watching the figure stretching through the window. He didn’t dare to smoke, afraid that the slight hint of nicotine could alert Gotak of his presence. Seongje didn't know how long he was watching, but eventually the light dissipated into nothing and the room went dark. After he knew that Hyuntak was sleeping, he turned on his heels and walked away. The tingling sensation now relieved.

Seongje thought it would be a one-time occurrence, but then it kept happening. He would find himself unconsciously wandering around the areas he knew Hyuntak frequented. One time, he skipped math class to linger around Eunjang. Not entering its property, but walking around the perimeters for no reason at all. Sometimes he would visit during Hyuntak’s gym period, catching a glimpse of him running the track before leaving.

He would walk around the basketball court in the park that he would practice at, the underpass where they used to meet, or at his favourite restaurant that he would go to with friends. Sometimes Gotak would be there, sometimes he wouldn’t, but whatever the case, he made sure to be cautious. Constantly looking around for possible lackeys, keeping his distance, and making everyone second-guess his next actions. His intuitions were sharp enough to go unnoticed for two weeks.

A full two weeks of not seeing Gotak, of having this weird feeling inside of him that Seongje had assumed was a side effect of hanahaki disease. But on a random Thursday, fate had brought them together again. Seongje wasn’t even planning on visiting any place relating to Gotak. He had just come from buying liquor from an adult supplier down the road when they saw each other. Both standing at opposite sides of the crosswalk, waiting for a green light.

Their eyes locked on each other, both having an intense staredown. Gotak looked slightly irritated as always, but Seongje could tell something was slightly amiss this time. But he couldn’t press further because he could feel the eyes on him. Somewhere in a dark corner, he knew someone was watching them. So, no matter how much he wanted to tease Gotak, to mock and fight him, he had to suppress his urges.

The signal to walk finally lit up after 2 tortuous minutes, and he did exactly that; he walked. Completely ignoring Hyuntak and brushing past his shoulder, giving no acknowledgement. He could tell that Gotak wanted to say something to him, but he walked past so fast that he didn't have the chance to.

Unfortunately for Seongje, during the small time frame of their close proximity, he was able to smell his scent, and it stuck with him. The fragrance that he hasn’t encountered in two whole weeks is filling his lungs and covering the walls through diffusion. Which is all it took to trigger the flowers.

That familiar feeling of his breath hitching and the churning of his organs that he had grown accustomed to. He knew what was coming, which is why he didn’t hesitate to speed-walk away into a nearby store with an open bathroom. Despite the dire situation, he was still able to feel Gotak’s cold stare at him. Watching from the other side of the road as he quickly fled from the scene. And that hurt all the same.

—

The moment he stepped back into his apartment, he collapsed at his doorway. Body fragile from the garden he has been housing the past few weeks. He sits in silence, trying to catch his breath and find the power in his muscles to get himself back up on his feet.

“Oh my fucking god, fighting him didn’t work, ignoring him didn’t work, what do I even do now? Why can’t this fucking disease realize it’s got the wrong person?” He hits his chest in an attempt to punch the sickness out of him. Instead, he choked on some petals that remained in his lungs from before.

He sat in the deafening silence, trying to comprehend his shitty situation. Until the sound of his ringtone broke through the thick air. He pulled out his phone and picked up the call.

“Seongje.” Baekjin’s voice was stern and unbearably cold.

“Yeah, I already know what you’re going to say. I didn’t mean for us to see each other. It was a true and honest coincidence.” Seongje leaned his head back, hitting the door.

“That’s hard to believe when you have been scheduling visits to his school.”

Seongje bursts into a laughter. “I figured you would have found out eventually. I was just going where the wind took me. Which just so happened to be his school. Can’t kill a man for being carefree, right, Baekjin?”

“Seongje, I’m serious. Get the surgery. If you say you don’t have any feelings for him, then getting the surgery would have no effect on you.”

“I’ll think about it…”

“Don’t fucking think about it; get the surgery, you idiot.” Baekjin’s voice was rising with each word that came out of his mouth. He could tell that he was getting impatient.

“Why do you care? You’re just doing this for the union, aren’t you?” The call goes quiet. The sound of shuffling and light breathing was heard. But then, Baekjin breaks the silence.

“I know you’re not this stupid, but since you want it spelled out for you, I’ll say it. I don’t want you to die, Seongje. I am worried for you as a friend, not as your boss.” He pauses, waiting for Seongje to respond, but he doesn’t. “One week. I’ll give you one week to sort it out, and if it’s not healed by then, you are getting that surgery whether you like it or not.”

Seongje weighed his option. Honestly, he doesn’t know why he’s so reluctant to surgically remove his flowers. His chest aches whenever he thinks of not having Hyuntak’s feisty personality as his playmate. But he knew he couldn’t drag this on any longer. “Fine.” Seongje ends the call, letting his arm fall as he lies at his entrance.

If fighting Hyuntak doesn’t work, and ignoring him didn’t work, then he has one last option. Remove himself from reality. Shut himself in his small apartment in hopes of forgetting. If there is nothing around him that reminds him of Hotak, then there’s no way the flowers can grow. He stands up, brushing his clothes clean, walks to his bedroom, and locks the door.

~

Seongje had been ignoring Gotak. He could feel it, see it. The way the other actively goes out of his way to not make contact with him. The last real encounter they had was 3 weeks ago, when they last fought. When Seongje went pale, coughing blood, and pure fear was in his eye for the first time.

It should be better this way. The absence of Seongje’s presence was peaceful. No nuisance to pick at his habits. No one there to rile him up with their witty remarks. No new reminders of Seongje’s touch.

He looked in the mirror of the school bathroom, hand lingering over his stomach. Slowly caressing the last bruise he had. The mark was completely faded. Skin smooth with no blemishes. As if Hyuntak was the perfect model student who never got into fights. But that irks him because that’s not who he was.

Without that boy, there was silence. He expected that the moment he could get away from Seongje, there would be serene music playing, a soothing moment where he could be fully enchanted and at peace.

But there was nothing. When he stopped seeing Seongje, the record halted, scratching against the needle in one abrupt sound to be never played again. He hated it. Hyuntak hated the silence.

He tried to change the record. Playing saviour, trying to get himself into fights, or simply allowing himself to let loose with his friends. Yet, it never sounded right. He’s had Seongje’s music on repeat for so long that he’s memorized its sound, its lyrics, and its tempo.

He truly doesn’t know how to function without it. He’s fumbled his test; his shots weren’t making the hoop, and even his kicks were lacking.

And it doesn’t help that he knows that Seongje is nearby. He doesn’t acknowledge it, but he sees him. Waiting outside the school gate, pacing around his neighbourhood, leaning against the chain fence of the basketball court. Knowing that he’s so close yet so far. Always scattering at the slightest hint of movement towards him. For some reason, it hurt more than any punch Seongje gave him.

Hyuntak hits his fist against the sink, dropping his head as the sweat rolls down his face.

“Tak-ah?”

Sieun stood at the entrance of the washroom, the door swinging closed behind him.

“Are you… okay?”

Hyuntak chuckles, his hand dragging down his face in disbelief.

“I should’ve expected you to catch on; nothing ever gets past you.”

“You don’t have to tell me, but you have seemed more distant and distraught for a while.”

“Do you think Baku or Juntae noticed?” Hyuntak leans against the sink counter while Sieun moves closer.

“I doubt it; they would’ve said something by now.”

“That’s good. I don’t want them to worry.” Hyuntak mumbled, looking at the ground. He plays with his fingernails, trying to avoid eye contact with Sieun. He saw the way he looked at him. Despite the flat facial expression, his eyes were always able to give away his feelings, and right now, they were laced in worry.

“So, what seems to be the problem?” Sieun leans on the counter next to Hyuntak. Waiting for an answer that could possibly never come. They fall into a silence, not an awkward one, but a welcoming silence, one that’s reassuring.

Hyuntak wonders for a bit. Unsure if he wants to show his vulnerability. To even tell Sieun that the root of his problem was Seongje of all people. It's hard to let oneself express their problems, to not be a bother and appear like a whiny child.

Even so, he remembers when Sieun was finally able to tell them the truth about Suho. About everything that happened at his last school and the immense guilt and sadness that consumed him.

If Sieun could do it, why can’t he?

“I have this friend…” Hyuntak pauses, taking a deep breath in before looking to his side at Sieun. His face remained unchanged, listening intently to Gotak’s pathetic excuse for advice. “Someone in their life has disappeared recently, and it has been bothering them. It’s not like they particularly liked this person; in fact, it’s more like they found him annoying. But ever since they disappeared, they’ve felt uneasy.”

“Uneasy in what way?”

“I don’t know, like a part of them is missing?”

Sieun hums in response. “It seems like that person has become a part of your friend’s life. It may have been involuntary, but it still happened. Constantly falling into a routine just for it to be stopped suddenly is hard. Fates intertwined with each other. And it’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Look at Suho and me. Visiting him every day because of the 40 days we knew each other. We were linked. He became everything to me. It may be different for you, but I think you might be worried. You’ve never been scared to get what you wanted before, so why now?”

“We’re still talking about my friend, right?”

“Yes, your friend. Either way, I think they should go get an answer; maybe that will give them the closure and peace that they want.”

The bell rings, and Sieun pushes himself off the counter. He takes a glance at Gotak’s face, who is lost in thought.

Maybe Hyuntak did miss Seongje. His presence was never welcomed, but his intrusiveness became second nature. He expects the boy to come his way. Clawing at his seams, trying to find a way into his life. In a way, Seongje succeeded, because now that he’s gone, Gotak felt empty.

Sieun was right. He needed to find Seongje. He needed to see why he disappeared. Why he
was deathly sick that last time they met, and why he looked so scared.

Both Sieun and Gotak exit the restroom together, but Hyuntak walks in the opposite direction of his classroom.

“Hyuntak? Where are you going?”

“Go on without me; I’m feeling sick, so I’ll probably go home. Tell the others I’ll be fine and they don’t need to check up on me, especially Baku.” He raises his hand to signal a goodbye before rushing down the hallway. Gotak doesn’t know where he is going, but he knows where he needs to be going.

~

Seongje had been aimlessly walking the streets of Seoul. Skipping school for the past week, he was holed up in his room, ordering takeout, and playing games 24/7. He needed some fresh air, time to clear his head from everything. The flowers, the surgery, the feelings—he needed to get away from all of it.

So, under the moonlight’s guidance, he wandered the city. Following wherever his heart wanted, not paying attention to his surroundings. Passing by the park Gotak would play basketball in, the convenience store where late-night snacks were bought, and the school gate of Eunjang, where Gotak would laugh with his friends.

His mind was empty. Seongje didn’t think of anything while walking, couldn’t think of anything, or, more like, didn’t want to think. Because he knew if he thought about the flowers too much, he would uncover something brutal. Something he never wants to release out to the world.

So instead, he forces himself to continue walking. Lighting a cigarette to drown the flowers in his lungs.

Eventually, Seongje found himself in a very familiar area. A place that he hasn’t visited in the past week.

The underpass.

The messy graffiti on the walls. The dirty tiled walls that enclosed the space. Sporadically placed miscellaneous garbage lining the side. It was just as he remembered. Nothing has changed since the last time he was here.

Except for one small detail. A shadowed figure, hunched over, sitting on the ground. Head buried in their knees, unmoving.

Seongje recognized his clothes; he would be stupid not to recognize who it was.

Hyuntak lifted his head the moment he smelled cigarette, and they finally came face to face again. No one moved. It was as if time had stopped when their eyes met. As Seongje’s cigarette burned out, all he could do was think now. ‘Why is he here?’ ‘How long has he been waiting?’ ‘Has he been waiting this whole time?’.

His heart started picking up speed, pumping loudly in his chest until it was all he could hear. He wanted to run, he needed to run, but his body wouldn’t let him.

Hyuntak made the first movement. Quickly jolting up and rushing towards Seongje. Grabbing him by his collar and slamming him against the wall. Hyuntak’s eyes were slightly red, and his expression was furious and piercing. He missed this.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Gotak yelled out, pushing Seongje closer into the wall.

A chuckle escaped Seongje’s lips. “Why did you miss me, puppy?”

“I—What—No!” Hyuntak stammered through his words, trying to find the right excuse to give. “I’ve been looking the whole city for you! I thought you might’ve been planning something horrible!”

“I’m flattered you think so highly of me, princess.”

“Don’t fucking call me that, Seongje. Not after so much time has passed. Tell me, where the fuck have you been?”

“Eager now, aren’t we?” Seongje grabbed Gotak’s wrist and squeezed it hard enough to release himself from the other’s grasp. “It would’ve been so much easier if I had been planning some nefarious scheme…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Why is it any of your business anyways? Weren’t you happy that I left? Living the peaceful and calm life you always wanted. How’d you like that taste of freedom I gave you?”

Slap

Hyuntak swiped across Seongje’s face, leaving a startlingly bright red mark on his cheek. His eyes were trembling in rage yet glossy from the watery layer.

“Who are you to think you give me freedom? You don’t own me, and you never did. Also, who are you to decide what would be best for me? When did you ever do that in your life? You never cared about that before, so why now? Seongje, I swear to god, stop beating around the bush.” Hyuntak screamed in his face, fist clenching, nails digging into his skin until it broke the surface.

He stayed listlessly still, letting the emotions pile up. Anger, sadness, frustration. All the pent-up emotions gathering in one place and finally breaking out of their prison after weeks of confinement.

Seongje grabs Gotak’s wrists, firmly flipping him around and pushing him into the wall. The other’s face was full of shock and pain as his back hit the tiles. It was thrilling; Seongje had forgotten how good it was to see Gotak’s expressions.

“You really want to know so badly? You really want to keep on pushing me to the edge because I can end your life right now and no one would know.”

Gotak winces at his words, the decibel level high enough to echo through the tunnel several times. He tries to struggle out of Seongje's death grip but is unable to. Finally, Gotak makes eye contact with him, looking into his soul with the most empty eyes he’s seen.

“But you wouldn’t. You can’t.”

Five simple words were enough to set him aflame. The burnout, desperation coursing through his veins, finally popped. Seongje lifts his fist in the air, and Gotak is anticipating a full-blown beat-up. Closing his eyes, waiting for the first punch.

But it never comes because when Seongje saw him, fully saw him for his entirety, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Seongje?” Gotak murmurs softly while creaking open one eye. He looked so cute. Seongje wants to devour him, completely envelop himself in him. He wants Hyuntak badly.

Overcome by desire, Seongje’s mind went blank. Acting on passion before thinking.

He grabs Gotak’s jaw, slightly tilting his head up before smashing their lips together. The kiss was anything but the soft and romantic type. It was desperate, hungry, and painful.

Teeth clicking against each other, lips moving messily with no rhythm. Seongje was going to devour Hyuntak whole, like a wolf who hadn’t eaten for months.

Hyuntak placed his hand on Seongje’s chest, weakly pushing him away with no real conviction. Seongje’s grip tightened around his jaw, and he left no room for air. He was stifling both of them, but he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to stop because, for the first time, he felt something. The burning sensation of reverence and desire.

His hand slithered around Hyuntak’s waist, slowly creeping underneath his hoodie to touch his bare skin. A quiet gasp escaped Gotak’s lips at the sensation of his cold fingers lingering on his skin, but it didn’t stop the kiss. They continued desperately feeding off each other.

Until it happened.

The blooming flowers developing in Seongje’s lungs. Blocking his airflow, unable to recover from the breathless kiss they shared. He pulls away from the kiss, hopelessly gasping for any oxygen that can fill his lungs.

This time the hanahaki felt different. The petals felt immediate, larger, and more painful. Chest in an insurmountable pain.

He pushes away from Hyuntak, grabbing his chest and bending over to support his coughing fit. It hurt ten times more than before.

“Seongje?! Are you okay?”

“Shit—” Seongje was barely able to speak. The flowers completely disrupted his vocal cords from saying anything more. He needed to get the petals out, but not here.

Seongje turned to run again. Like the coward he is, unable to admit his feelings. However, Gotak grabs his hand before he has the chance to leave.

“Seongje, what the fuck is wrong? Tell me, please?” His eyes were glossy, genuine worry plastered on his face. He hated being pitied; he wanted to just leave and run again. But his lungs had different plans.

He continued coughing hysterically. The tension was building up until finally, petals spilled from his lips.

The flower’s petals hit the concrete. Everything went silent. Everything went still.

Seongje’s eyes widen and tremble as he stares at the petals on the floor, then at Hyuntak. And just like that, one of his favourite things about Gotak became his worst. Hyuntak’s face was in pure shock and distress. Eyes flickering like a flame, like a candle in the wind. Seongje couldn’t read him. His mind was too fogged to think rationally, to decipher his expression.

All he does is rip his arm from Hyuntak’s grasp and run. Leaving Gotak standing alone and confused. He couldn’t be there anymore; he didn’t want to hear his reaction, his response. So, he did what he knew best. Run.

He saw Hyuntak follow him, chasing after him, but he couldn’t let that happen. Weaving through various alleyways, jumping over fences, and finally disappearing into the night.

But, with all the running, he was on his last leg. Flowers filling his lungs, expanding his chest, and suffocating him. He slumped onto a wall of a small alley to throw up, flowers coating the filthy street. When there was a gap in the petal’s growth, he lumps his way towards his apartment. Seongje needed to be alone, no disturbances, just him and his thoughts.

Seongje arrived at this apartment at 9:52 pm, swinging open his door and going straight towards the bathroom. Seongje sat on the hard, cold, tiled floor. Coughing his guts out for what felt like the 100th time.

But this time was different.

The flowers had bloomed.

Full flower heads scattered across the floor. His eyes watered from the strain of orange lilies coming out of his throat. Tearing the tissue of his trachea.

His time was running short.

Seongje needed to take immediate action in order to survive. Yet, when he tried, he wasn’t able to bring himself to say the words. When he looked into Gotak’s eyes, it pained him. He was never one to show his true emotions, let alone say them out loud. So, he lets his actions talk.

After all, actions speak thousands of words, but he didn’t wait for the response. He didn’t want to know the response. Because since he was a child, his parents left for work, promising to spend his birthday together, but came back home a week later from a vacation. He vowed to never let himself get hurt again. Blocking everyone out of his life, setting his boundaries, and faking his whole persona.

Being weak was the worst feeling he’s ever experienced. He would see the pitiful eyes glaring at him, being vulnerable and judged at the core. So, for his entire upbringing, he played the tough guy. Never bothered by others, doing whatever he pleased without any care. It was the easiest way to not get hurt, but he was never perfect. There would always be cracks.

And Hyuntak’s response, his words would have shattered him. Therefore, he did what he knew best. Run.

As the flower heads filled the toilet, all he could think of was that boy. Seongje didn’t like him; he couldn’t. No matter how much he thought, Seongje couldn’t bring himself to love him. He hated him. Wanted to break his soul, crush his dignity, not love him.

His fingers brush over his lips, blood and saliva coating his fingers, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he kissed Gotak. The impulsive desire that overtook his body initiated the kiss.

‘That was a moment of weakness. I didn’t mean that. It was just to test something.’

His mind cycled through excuse after excuse, working in overdrive. Yet the more he thought about everything, the more flowers came out of his mouth. His lungs filled with the never-ending growth of the flowers.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about it, about him.

It’s impossible to love.

“Why don’t you just admit you love me?”

The room went silent. The buzzing of the fluorescent lights overwhelmed his sense of hearing. The echoey voice bouncing off the walls.

Seongje slowly tilts his head towards the voice. There sat on the edge of his bathtub was Hyuntak. Or what was actually a hallucination of Hyuntak.

“Haha…” Seongje trails off before going into a full manic laughing spree until he chokes on flowers, forcing another coughing fit. His hand ran through his hair in disbelief.

“I’ve really gone insane, haven’t I?”

“Come on, Je, it’s obvious you like me. Is it that hard to accept?”

“You’re insane if you think I like you, asshole.”

“Denial is a river in Egypt. Look around you, Seongje.”

He glanced around, fully taking in his surroundings for the first time he entered that bathroom. Bottles knocked over, random trash that he never threw out when he shut himself in, orange lilies overflowing the toilet, spilling onto the ground, and pools of blood and saliva coating every surface.

Then there’s Hyuntak, sitting on his bathtub swinging his legs with the most smug look on his face. And himself, hunched over the toilet, heavily heaving and a complete mess. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Nothing went according to his plan.

“Shut the fuck up. I’m not in denial.”

“Alright.” Gotak leans down, stopping his face a few centimeters away from his own. “Then say it out loud, Je. Say that you don’t like me, that you never did.”

“Is that supposed to be a challenge?” Seongje scoffed. “You’re fucking right. I don’t li—" His words get caught in his throat as he glances at the hallucination, looking down at him with a soft expression.

“Go on.”

“I don’t—I can’t—I’ve never—” Seongje stumbled over his words, unable to form a proper sentence.

He can’t say it.

His voice isn’t letting him. It’s not even the flower’s fault; it’s just him. But why, no matter how hard he tries, can’t he say that he doesn’t like Hyuntak?

Maybe it’s because Seongje doesn’t do love. That’s what he’s told himself and convinced himself of the past 20 years. A cold, emotionless bastard who doesn’t give a shit. But in reality, it was because he didn’t know how to.

Interpersonal relationships and deep emotional feelings were always a complex puzzle to him. For his entire life, he could never tell the difference between love and any other emotion.

Because what did it even mean to be in love? Was it the comforting warmth that would settle between the cracks? The intense heartbeat that races thousands of miles? Or could it be as simple as keeping company, silently sidelining in their significant other’s lives?

He didn’t know. He never learned. Never bothered to learn because it was easier. Avoiding the emotion altogether was a simpler option than the turmoil needing to navigate its elaborate structure.

It's not like he can't recognize affection either. He could understand when others were expressing their feelings. Moments where compassion bled through the surface. He was able to recognize various scenarios and actions where love would be expressed. And it’s not like he’s never experienced any of them before. Seongje has had quite a normal life; despite his distant parents and few friends, he’s seen worry, compassion, and kindness in their eyes at some point through the years. But it never landed the way it should’ve. Never enough to be love, and not enough to last. Every action, every word, just a fleeting moment. A temporary emotional burst before fully dissipating in the wind.

Or maybe he’s never allowed himself to be loved. Never letting that affection become love. Setting up his boundaries sky high and puppeteering an asshole persona as a front. Because who was he to be loved, to feel love?

If he couldn’t give affection, why should he receive it?

Showing intimacy was never his strong suit. He’s tried multiple times in his life, but it all felt hollow. Nothing evoked a spark, a burning passion, or a desire to need and want. There was just a cavity where that feeling should fill.

And he walked his life like this. An empty shell of who he truly was. He accepted that love wasn’t for him; he couldn’t feel it, couldn’t give it, and most certainly didn’t need it. What’s the point of it anyways? After all, love is weakness.

But it all changed when he met Go Hyuntak. At first he thought that he was fun to play around with. A playmate, a toy of his own. The way his stubbornness refused to be knocked down, constantly fighting back no matter how much of a disadvantage he had. He never understood Hyuntak. Why he always worked so hard towards his goals, even if he had to start from scratch again. Constantly sticking up for friends and pushing himself to his limits for others.

Seongje thought all of that effort was pointless, but all of it made Hyuntak more appealing and more interesting. So, he continued to play with him. Challenge him to see how much he can take before shattering beneath him.

But somewhere along the way, that feeling shifted. The irrevocable change that would forever damage Geum Seongje.

And as he stares up at the hallucination of Hyuntak, he knows it. Seongje has known it for some time. He’s just refused to acknowledge it. Thinking that if he avoided his problem again, it would all go away. That he would permanently distract himself from the blooming feelings for him. But he couldn’t. His body didn’t let him.

And that’s why he’s coughing orange lilies on a Tuesday night.

He could feel the shortness of his breath, oxygen getting cut off. Each gasp was like thorns tearing at his tissues. Chest aching as if his organs shut down all at once. He doesn’t have much time left; flowers are consuming his whole body as the seconds tick.

Seongje weakly pulls himself up off of the cold hard ground of his bathroom. Taking one final glance at his surroundings. Flowers littering the floor, overflowing the toilet with various bloodstains painting the ground, and Go Hyuntak. The hallucination his mind conjured up as some messed-up mental joke. He was still sitting at the edge of the bathtub, looking straight at him with the softest expression that Seongje has ever seen. It was caring and warm, with a knowing look. A look he could never forget, one that conveyed gratitude that Seongje was finally able to realize his feelings.

He loves Hyuntak.

He stared for as long as he could, mouth agape as if there was something important to tell him. But instead, Seongje took one final glance before closing his eyes, calming his mind. When he opened his eyes again, Gotak was gone.

Seongje took a deep breath, as much as his floral-filled lungs could allow him to. He only had one thing left to do. Seongje gathers the rest of his strength, powering himself to move towards the bathroom door. He has decided his fate, and there is no turning back.

~

“FUCK!” Hyuntak screams, slamming his fist on the side of a building. He officially lost track of Seongje. Searching the surrounding streets, following random petals on the ground, and visiting places he might go to, like the PC bang. But he was nowhere to be found. Hyuntak had been searching for almost an hour, and by this time Seongje could’ve gone anywhere.

When he had planned to get an answer from Seongje, he braced himself for the worst. I got bored of you; I found something better to play with; I have no more need for you. He was prepared to fully break their relationship, to feel the pain of losing someone he needed. But what he never expected was for him to kiss him.

To get pinned against the wall and messily devoured. The kiss was far from normal, but that was fine. It would’ve been weirder if it was normal because that wasn’t who Seongje was. He’s an unpredictable, on-a-whim freak who doesn’t give a shit, and despite the surprise, Hyuntak didn’t hate it. But he knew that kiss was a cry for help. One full of tears and repressed emotions.

In a way, it was a warning. A sign to tell him that Seongje was gardening flowers. But he ignored those signs. So when he saw the orange petals, he was speechless. The imagery of Seongje coughing flowers after kissing him is still vivid in his memory.

Hyuntak could let it go. Maybe he should be letting it go. Getting involved with Seongje never did him any good before, but the image of Seongje’s distress and panic was ingrained in his mind. The way that, for the first time, he looked like a teen. Not some pompous adult who had his shit together. He was someone who didn’t know what to do with his life, scared and questioning.

Hyuntak pulls himself back up and returns to searching. He has no idea where he could’ve gone, but he has to keep trying. Not knowing where to search anymore, he continues to think of other ways to find him.

It’s always been difficult to find Seongje when he was the one finding him most of the time. Being unpredictable was his brand, not knowing where or when he would show up. Which made it all the more complicated to know where he went.

Speed-walking down a random street frantically searching to stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Then it clicks. He might not know where Seongje may be, but maybe there’s someone who does.

Hyuntak digs through his pockets, screaming though to find his phone. When he pulls it out, he instantly unlocks it and makes a phone call.

“Hello?”

“Baku? Thank god, give me Baekjin’s number right now.”

“HUH?!” Baku screamed over the line, loud enough to make Hyuntak pull his phone away from his ear.

“Jesus, calm down, Baku. Just give me his number?”

“What for?! Why in the world would you ever need his number?”

“Please. I don’t have time to explain; I need it right now. It’s important.” Hyuntak ran a shaky hand through his hair, his voice wavering. He hadn’t even realized his hands had been shaking this entire time, but they wouldn’t stop moving now.

“Gogo—” He hears a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. “Even if I did give you his number, I doubt he would pick up. He doesn’t answer calls from random numbers.”

“Then where are you?”

“I’m at the restaurant; I’m on closing duty today.”

“Wait right there. I’m coming.” Hyuntak quickly hung up the phone before he could respond. Sprinting as fast as he could towards Baku’s Chicken. It didn’t matter if his knee hurt or how far it was. He just needed to get there as soon as possible.

Hyuntak had gotten there 15 minutes later and swiftly swung open the door. Baku was sitting at one of the tables, the lights dimmed, and his face illuminated from his phone screen.

“Hyuntak? You look like shit. Mind telling me what the fuck is going on?”

Gotak didn’t respond, just quickly walked up to Baku, slamming his hand onto the table.

“Phone, now, please.” Baku stares at his serious face before waving it in front of him to take.

“Are you sure about this? I mean, what could you possibly even need from Baekjin?”

Baku continued to yap and question his motives, but Hyuntak ignored him. He scrolled through Baku’s comically large contact list before finally landing on the contact “Baekjinnie.” Without hesitation he clicks the call button and waits for it to ring. Once, twice, and on the third ring, there was a click.

“Humin? What are you doing calling me this late? Have you finally decided to join the union?”

“Seongje has hanahaki disease, right?” The line goes deadly silent. If there wasn’t the faint noise of breathing, he would’ve thought he got disconnected. Baku, on the other hand, couldn’t be silent.

“WHAT?! SEONGJE HAS HANAHAKI? SINCE WHEN? FOR WHO?” Baku’s loud mouth wouldn’t stop pestering him with question after question, but Gotak didn’t care because that wasn’t what was important now. What was important was Baekjin’s silence, the unspoken confirmation that it was really true.

“Well? Say something, damn it!”

“So he told you.”

“He didn’t tell me; he fucking threw up flowers in front of me! And that asshole ran!”

“Sounds about right.”

“How long has he had it? He looked miserable and on the verge of death!”

“He might as well be. It’s been a little over a month.”

“A month?! Hanahaki disease normally takes longer to develop, doesn't it?” Hyuntak paced around back and forth while Baku sat listening, trying to calm him down.

“Seongje is a severe case. I told him to get the surgery, but he refused.”

“That fucking idiot...” His breathing quickened, his heart racing a mile. “Baekjin, please, this one time I’m begging, do you know where he might’ve gone?” His voice went soft, trembling at every vowel. The call went silent for a minute before the sound of a chair squeaking rang out.

“I know where to find him.” Those were his last words before the call disconnected. Hyuntak plopped onto the chair next to Baku, completely exhausted and letting out a big sigh.

“Does Seongje really have hanahaki? Do you know who he likes?“ Baku leans over to Gotak curiously, but when he sees how stressed the other is, he tries to lighten the mood. “Honestly, I can’t even begin to imagine what type of girl the mad dog would be into. Definitely some sort of sadist or a masochist, I mean—"

“Baku.” Hyuntak’s voice cut through the air, instantly stopping Baku in his ramble. He leans forward, digging his elbows into his knees and placing his head in his hands. “It’s me.”

That was able to shut Baku up. The attempt to cheer Gotak up fell through the cracks and lingered on the ground. The silence was deafening. He half expected for Baku to be screaming so loud the entire street would hear him, but he didn’t. He just looks at Hyuntak in skepticism.

“Are... Are you sure?” Baku bites his bottom lip, unsure if that was the right question to ask at this time. “I mean, he always picks on you, trying to square up and berating you.”

“Baku.”

“I get that hanahaki is serious, but really? Why would he have feelings for you but then go back around and punch you?”

“Baku…”

“It’s probably not you; the timing was just coincidental. You don’t need to blame yourself; it’s not your fault—"

“BAKU!” Hyuntak yelled, voice low yet commanding. “It is me. He kissed me.”

“Oh.”

Then it went silent again. The quiet humming of the kitchen lights filled the room. Neither of them dared to move, like the slightest movement would cause a natural disaster.

“I don’t—I don’t know what to do. What to think. It all happened so fast. Like, it’s Seongje that we’re talking about, the boy who has never once cared about a single thing, suddenly caring about me?”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s really shocking. I didn't think that guy could feel love with the way he acts all the time. Guy’s heartless.” Baku snorts at his own comment while Hyuntak leans back, looking over at him, disappointed.

“Sure, I might think he’s a jackass, but I don’t think he deserves to suffer like this. Hanahaki is a nasty disease.” Baku’s said softly, placing a gentle hand on his back and rubbing circles with his thumb. “Honestly though, my opinion doesn’t matter right now. What really matters is how do you feel about Seongje?”

That question hangs in the air for longer than it should have. He never gave it much thought before. The constant game of cat and mouse is what kept their relationship thriving. At times, he hated it, but sometimes, he would crave it.

A drug he couldn’t put down. One that damaged his internal organs until they bled, but Gotak couldn’t get enough of it because the withdrawals hurt more than the drug itself. So, he kept subconsciously taking the pill. Always searching for a hint of Seongje every day; he’s never realized until now how reliant he’s become, and he hates it. Hates the way he allowed this boy to creep into his life, to make a home inside of him and claim residency. But he couldn’t see any other timeline without him.

Seongje and Hyuntak’s relationship basis is balance. Ensuring that one or the other wouldn’t go off the rails insane and would stay a functioning member of society. For Seongje, Hyuntak would prevent him from going completely insane. Every encounter of bickering and insults filled his thirst for a challenge and entertainment. The thirst that would have turned him into a psychopath behind bars.

And for Hyuntak, he kept his determination thriving. The constant challenge pushed him harder to strive for better. His resolve would have died along with his taekwondo career if not for his pettiness. They wouldn’t be who they are without the other. So, Sieun was right; they were intertwined, unable to untie the knot they had created.

“Do you actually like Seongje?” Baku’s voice broke Gotak out of his trance, bringing him out of his thoughts and into reality. Hyuntak didn’t want to say it out loud. That he fell in love with a boy that he constantly fights with. That he looked for Seongje in the passing nicotine smoke or the 8-bit sound effects from computers.

“No? Maybe? I don't know anymore. Feelings fucking suck; they’re so complicated, and for what?”

A soft laugh escapes Baku’s lips. “I feel you, man; feelings do suck. I mean, even after all this time, I still wish Baekjin would come back.”

“Really?”

“Yup, I miss him, badly. As a person, he was amazing, smart, fun to talk to—the whole package. It's unfortunate that he chose such a dark path. I hated seeing him walk down that road, not being able to do anything about it.” Baku nervously chuckled, leaning back in his seat. “Look at us, two best friends worrying about another pair of friends. How pathetic.”

Gotak cracks a smile for the first time since he arrived and playfully punches Baku’s shoulder. “You’re right. It is pathetic… but I can’t help it. I’m scared, Humin.”

“Don’t worry, Baekjin may seem nonchalant, but he does care, and he’s reliable. He will find Seongje, and everything will be okay.”

“I really hope so…” Hyuntak gives a soft smile to Baku. Both of them sat in that empty restaurant for what felt like hours. Talking and laughing about anything and everything just to lighten the tension. It had been a while since they had a moment like this. They allowed each other to be vulnerable, listening to each other’s problems and trying to understand the other perspective. It was nice. After three excruciating weeks of emptiness, this moment was a palate cleanser.

An hour had passed since Baekjin said he was going to find Seongje, and Hyuntak’s anxiousness grew with each passing minute. Baku was able to distract him most of the time to calm his nerves. But at 11:19 pm, Baku’s phone lit up. The name Baekjinnie reading across the screen. Hyuntak threw himself over the table to reach the phone and stood up to answer the call.

“Baekjin?! Did you find him? Where was he? Is he okay?” His voice was frantic, talking at an incredibly fast pace. There was no response; only the quiet humming of lights came through the other end.

“Baekjin? Are you there? Please answer; I need to know if he’s okay.”

“He’s dead.”

Two words, 7 letters. Enough to completely shatter Hyuntak. His hand dropped to his side, letting the phone hit the ground. His body, weak and trembling, dropped to the floor. There weren’t even any tears; they wouldn’t form no matter how hard he tried.

“Gogo?! Are you okay? What did he say?” Baku rushes to his side, putting his hands on his shoulders and asking him questions, but Gotak couldn’t hear them. His ears were filled with ringing and the taunting sound of fluorescent lights. It was so loud and all-consuming that even his own thoughts were blocked out.

After not getting a response, Baku picks up the phone and talks to Baekjin. The conversation went unheard, but he sees the instant change in his face when he finds out. It was over. Everything was done for.

—

The next day, Hyuntak walked to school a shell of himself. Colour drained and wandering to planes of the world like a ghost. He didn’t remember much of what happened after that night. Memory hazy and shut down, everything became a blur. He could remember Baku shaking him, trying to tell him something, but by then he had already blocked out any noise. Baku had taken him home, and after unlocking and entering the empty house, his memory went blank.

Not like he wants to remember anyways. He would’ve probably been an emotional mess, mind-numbing into slush. What Gotak does know is that not a single tear had been shed. He doesn’t know why; he’s not much of a crier, but he does know he would be bawling at this type of news. But he wasn’t; he hasn’t. And that was the scariest part.

Hyuntak heard the school bell ringing as he rounded the corner. He expected that he was going to be late, but he didn’t care; he’s jumped the fence before anyways. But as he approaches the school gate, three foreign students are standing and giggling at the gate. Three familiar students who wore a full maroon uniform and carried the aura hyenas trying to climb that rank. The lackeys noticed Hyuntak getting closer and purposefully bumped into him, blocking his path forward.

“What are you doing here? I’m not in the mood to deal with you today.” Gotak’s glare was sharp, and his tone devoid of any life. He tries to walk past, shoulder-checking the tallest boy, but his arm gets grabbed and is harshly pulled back.

“What’s with the attitude? You don’t want us to snitch to Seongje about your shitty behavior, do you?” His eyes go wide at the mention of his name. Anger and sadness surge through his body when he sees the lackey’s smug faces. ‘Do they not know about Seongje?’ he thought to himself. Hyuntak's fists shook with rage at their ignorance, his nails digging into his skin.

“Chill out, dude, We aren’t here for a fight. This time at least’

“Then tell me what the fuck you are doing here before I punch all of you.”

“Watch your fucking tone, bitch.” The lackey in the middle held out his fist in front of him and turned it over to reveal keys and a folded-up note. “Baekjin told us to give this to you. Don’t know why he’d want to give you keys to some random ass house, but duty calls.” Gotak reluctantly picks up the keys, still suspicious of their intentions. Despite that, he unfolds the paper, and inside was an address.

‘Apt. 304, XXX street’

Gotak had a small hunch on what this could be and what Baekjin’s intentions were, and he was planning on riding it. He turned around, quickly whipping out his phone to type the address and leaving the lackeys behind.

“Not even going to say thanks, asshole?” One of them yelled. However, Gotak didn’t bother to respond; he had a new goal to fulfill.

Winding through dark alleys, unfamiliar streets, and up some hills, Hyuntak finally arrived at an old, worn-down apartment complex. It was far from fancy; it was the type of apartment that a person working a dead-end job would live in.

And as he is standing at the door to this specific apartment, the anxiousness creeps in. Slotting in the key, he holds onto the doorknob loosely, hand shaking and unable to fully turn to open the door. He didn’t know what to expect beyond this door, what he would discover and learn about Seongje, but he knew he had to go in.

After one deep breath in, Hyuntak finds the courage to open the door. The familiar smell of cigarettes hits his nostrils like a nuclear bomb. It didn’t smell good; it never did, but it was still comforting to him, the only smell that was consistent, the only one that lingered.

Gotak shuts the door behind him, and the house becomes dark, with only a small light in the kitchen providing vision. The apartment was surprisingly cleaner than he had expected. Sure, there was trash and cigarette butts lying around sporadically, but it seemed like a normal house. Except for one detail.

There were absolutely no family images anywhere. Nothing that would indicate his past or childhood. The walls were barren, and the side tables were filled with random trinkets and appliances. Just by taking a glance around, Gotak feels a pang in his chest. The realization that he never truly knew Seongje hit him like a truck. Why was he living in this rustic apartment? Where are his parents? Why is he living alone? Questions that he never thought to ask came rushing through his mind all at once. It was overwhelming, a sensory overload.

Why did he not bother to ask him anything while he was still here?

His eyes began to sting at that thought. A watery coat lined his pupils as he rubbed them with his hand. As he cleared his vision, in the corner of his eye he saw a picture frame faced down in a drawer slightly ajar. Curiosity taking control, he picks up the picture to see Seongje’s middle school graduation. His parents were standing on each side, giving him a half hug with big happy smiles, while Seongje stood in the center holding his certificate. But something was off about this picture. Gotak has seen his fair share of forced smiles from Seongje, but this one was on a different level. A closed-mouth smile without his eyes, like putting on a facade in a play that he’s performed all his life.

He gripped the frame tighter, fully understanding that his perception of how much he knew about him was just a grain of sand on a beach. The ache in his chest tightens as he places the picture back in the drawer.

As Hyuntak walks further into the apartment, the first thing he notices is flowers peeking under the door to the bathroom. The sight of the lilies reminds him about yesterday, the day he found out, the day he couldn’t find Seongje, the day he couldn’t save him. His mind gets sent into a panic frenzy, his body internally trembling.

He’s scared to touch the doorknob, as if it would burn him at the slightest contact. Does he want to come face-to-face with what he caused, or would he rather stay ignorant? He lingered at the door for a long time, staring at the petals underneath the door to hell. His mind conflicted itself; multiple times he’s wanted to leave, to forget any of this happened, that Seongje is really gone, but he couldn’t. Even without his existence, Seongje was still able to give him the push to move forward, to test his limits because deep down, Hyuntak knows he can’t stay ignorant forever, not like what he’s done before.

So, despite his reluctance, he turns the doorknob, and inside was an unbelievable sight. Orange lilies lining the walls and floors, leaves and moss covering every surface in the bathroom. It looked post-apocalyptic, the type of scene one would see after Earth has been abandoned and the greenery took control. In a sense, it was painfully beautiful. The way something this pretty could be created from something so morbid haunted Gotak.

Hyuntak stood at the doorframe, mesmerized by the sight in front of him. The floral scent assaulted his senses, even overpowering the smell of cigarettes that was burned into every crevice of this apartment. He hated it.

Gotak pulls his head away, forcing himself to look away and shaking his head to bring himself back to reality. He had to stop the scent of flowers from infecting his brain, keeping him as a prisoner of his own thoughts and grief.

He turned his attention to anywhere other than the floral garden. Then he saw it. The kitchen light illuminated the countertop with a letter messily folded. Seongje’s glasses were lying next to the ball of paper, and his orange jacket was draped over the bar stool.

He slowly approached the counter, each step taken with precaution. Eventually, he came face-to-face with the lined paper on the counter. It was as if time had stopped. Hyuntak was terrified to pick up the piece of paper, but his body moved on its own. Hand slowly reaching and unfolding the crumpled paper to reveal a messily written letter. Clearly written in a rush, with multiple crossed-out lines.

To my dear playmate, Go Hyuntak,

I'll make this as brief as possible. I don’t do feeling. You know I don’t do feelings. One of life’s most complicated inventions was never something I took interest in. I thought it was dumb, a weakness.
And it was. Until I met you in first year. Something clicked in my brain that made me gravitate towards you. Maybe I was yearning for you? It was the amusement, a way to pass time. Then it changed into something I couldn’t describe. I wanted more of you, to be closer.Needed every part of you to be mine. I was scared confused about my own feelings. So, I tried to decipher it any way possible, but that just dug me a deeper grave.
I will admit that I do not regret that kiss. It was sudden but something I needed. I didn’t mean for it to get this bad, to get you this roped in, but my entire plan went up in flames in the best way possible, I guess.

What I’m trying to say here is, I love you. I’m sorry for everything.

Sincerely,
Geum Seongje

Hyuntak’s eyes lingered on the last line of the letter. The crossed-out words were dark and muddy, but he was just able to make out the words. Which made it all the worse. Knowing that he could have been cured, that Seongje could be standing beside him, spouting his nonsensical rants if only he had been faster to realize it.

For the first time since he found out Seongje had died, tears rolled down his face. A droplet falls onto the paper, seeping in and making a stain. One, then another, until he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

The sadness Gotak kept suppressed finally tipped over and spilled out uncontrollably at this very moment. He became a sobbing mess, like a child who just lost their favourite toy. The sadness he kept suppressed. Through the tears, he rereads the letter over and over again, taking in every word written as if written by a philosopher.

“Fuck you, Seongje.” He murmured between sobs.

It was never meant to happen like this. Seongje could have changed his fate, could have gotten the surgery, or confessed his feelings. But no, he had to choose the worst possible destiny, like the idiot he is.

Hyuntak cried for a long time, letting the grief set in and control him momentarily. When the tears finally dried and tear streaks were all that was left of his breakdown, he felt a ticklish feeling in his body. One that itched his throat so severely that it started to hurt.

He coughed once, twice, and on the third time a single petal came out and fell onto the kitchen counter. One from a blue rose. He stared blankly at the petal. The same floral scent filled his nostrils, the smell that Gotak recently deemed as his least favourite smell.

Despite the revelation, Hyuntak doesn't react. He says nothing, thinks nothing. All he did was pocket the crumpled paper and grab the jacket on the chair, leaving the petal on the table. Putting on the jacket, he heads towards the exit.

But he catches a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. And he couldn't even recognize who it was in the reflection. The person in the mirror looked so decrepit and foreign.

He approaches the mirror in the garden, trying to get a closer look at the stranger staring at him in the mirror. His mind was jumbled, distorting features and blurring other parts. He didn’t know who he was now that Seongje was gone.

Until it hit him. He rummaged through his pockets and pulled out the letter. Eyes searching for the first line in the letter. In Seongje’s messy, scratchy writing is his name. Go Hyuntak. The boy in the mirror.

Go Hyuntak, the boy who hated Geum Seongje.

Go Hyuntak, the boy with hanahaki disease. The sickness of unrequited love.