Work Text:
It’s almost ten at night when Seonghwa walks into their kitchen, where Hongjoong has been sitting for a couple of minutes after eating her dinner. They stare at each other for some time, Hongjoong waiting to see what her girlfriend has to say, trying to read her expression. It’s been a while since Hongjoong couldn’t understand what the other was thinking just by looking at her eyes.
“We… We aren’t working,” Seonghwa starts. She’s dressing in her pajamas, which shows that she’s only talking about this topic now because it isn’t letting her sleep.
“What?”
“I don’t feel like we’re both giving as much as we did when we started dating,” she adds. “I—I don’t think we can keep going.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand you. Why are you saying that?” Hongjoong asks back, finally getting up to walk towards Seonghwa, who takes a step back.
“I want to break up with you, Hongjoong,” she adds. “I don’t think this is where I want to be right now.”
Hongjoong frowns. Seonghwa is giving too many reasons for it. It doesn’t feel real. “What really happened? If you did something bad, you can tell me, it’ll make more sense to break up.”
“I just don’t want to be with you anymore. You’re dear to me, but I don’t want you to be in a relationship without receiving the same amount of love you’re giving. It’s me, not you. I wish you the best.”
Hongjoong stares at Seonghwa. She noticed that the older one had been more distant, and she went as deep as thinking Seonghwa was cheating on her. She never really got proof for it—the older one was still the same, arrived at their house in her usual time, accepted going out with Hongjoong, she was just quieter when it came to cuddling and kissing. And Seonghwa is too nice to ever do something like this with someone so dear to her.
“Yeosang offered me her spare room. I’ll be there for the upcoming months before I find somewhere to stay,” Seonghwa adds after Hongjoong doesn’t speak. “If I forgot something… You can leave it there…”
Hongjoong nods. Seonghwa hums, pressing her lips in a thin line, continuing, “I’ll pack my things, okay? And tomorrow morning I’ll leave… I’m sorry we ended up like this. I hope you can find the girl who’ll change your life for the better, rather than someone who’ll hold you in hope of loving you again.”
Hongjoong nods again, sitting on their couch as Seonghwa organizes her things. She feels like nothing is actually there—like she’s watching her own life from a third-person perspective. Seonghwa is the girl who changed Hongjoong’s life. She was the one who showed that Hongjoong isn’t hard to love. Or maybe she still is. And now Seonghwa reached a point where she couldn’t love Hongjoong anymore.
The first morning without Seonghwa wasn’t strange for her. Sure, she missed the warmth of a body on her side, but Seonghwa hasn’t hugged her or waited for her to wake up for a while now, so she just got up and went to the kitchen, seeing Seonghwa and her suitcases in the living room. She murmurs a ‘good morning’, even if her morning is way too far from good.
Hongjoong can’t tell what has gone wrong—sometimes the universe just decides to be mean to her and make Seonghwa fall out of love, while she’s still in love. Even so, she can’t stop thinking about what she could’ve done to keep Seonghwa on her side. Everything is so unfair. She met the girl of her life. Why would the universe take her away?
One week after the breakup, Hongjoong is a mess. Not only her, but the apartment is also. She has been keeping it clean, taking out the trash so it doesn't stink, or to not make things too anti-hygienic, but she can’t remember if she ever took some time off to clear it properly.
One month in, she can barely do anything except go to work and come back to her apartment. Seonghwa’s perfume has faded from her side of the bed, Hongjoong’s hair needs a new haircut, she needs to water the cactus Seonghwa left behind, and she also needs to take care of the eye bags under her eyes.
She has been having the worst coffee known to man, and had to toss out the iced tea she ordered together with an espresso a couple of times, because she was used to also ordering for Seonghwa on their way to the subway. She can’t help but hope to meet the girl by the end of the stairs to the station, waiting to get her order and place a kiss on her cheek.
To make things worse, she was late today and ended up needing to stand inside the subway, her already cold coffee in her hand. She supports herself on a pole, holding it strongly to take the last sips of the coffee, looking around at the other people standing around her.
And it’s just her luck. Seonghwa is standing a few steps away. Her hair is still the black medium one, and she’s wearing the turtleneck Hongjoong loved to see her in. She’s staring at her phone; sometimes she smiles, other times she stares at it like expecting something. Hongjoong wants to cry.
She doesn’t know if she wants to be seen or if she wants it to be a lie, and that she’s just projecting Seonghwa on a random day because she can’t find a way out of all this pain she’s been feeling for the last month, so she might as well drown herself in it.
She leaves the subway and throws the empty coffee cup in the closest trash can. After she gets to her office, she loosens her tie a little to unbutton the first button of her shirt so she can finally breathe. Seonghwa still looks so pretty, like that breakup never destroyed her like it destroyed Hongjoong.
At lunch, she receives a call from Wooyoung—God, how long has it been since she talked with her friends?
“Hongjoong?” Wooyoung’s voice gets through the line. “This is still your number, right?”
“Hi,” she answers. “Yes, it is.”
Wooyoung lets our a long and upset exhale. “You haven’t answered my texts for a month! What the hell have you been doing? Are you crazy?”
“It sure hasn’t been that long since—”
“I had to learn about your breakup from Mingi! She’s not even in South Korea right now,” she adds. “Where the fuck have you been?”
“I’m fine. Sorry that I haven’t been answering your texts,” she murmurs, drawing a random pattern on the table. “This just destroyed my life.”
“And that’s exactly why you should’ve been answering me! I could’ve helped you not to fall into this huge breakdown,” Wooyoung adds. “Can I go to your apartment this weekend?”
“God, no. It is a mess, and I’m definitely not fine to get out of bed and clean everything. Who knows if I’ll find something Seonghwa left behind and—”
“I’ll go to your apartment this weekend.”
“Wooyoung.”
“I don’t want you to reach the point of not being able to leave bed, even to go to work,” Wooyoung answers, her voice more worried than upset now. “I understand what Seonghwa meant to you, and I get you being this bad, but please let me help you.”
Hongjoong exhales, messing her food around a bit. “Okay. But take it slow, I’m really not in the mood.”
“I get it.”
“Thank you. And sorry again.”
“Don’t worry. I love you.”
Hongjoong lets a tiny smile form on her face. She sure is lucky to have Wooyoung. “I love you, too.”
On Saturday, Hongjoong gets up around ten with Wooyoung calling her to get permission to get up to her floor. She did get a few dirty socks around her house last night, she will not lie, to appear more organized to the younger girl.
She uses the few minutes she has between Wooyoung getting into the elevator and knocking on her door to brush her teeth and dress in more presentable clothes.
“Hi!” Wooyoung says when Hongjoong opens the door. “I got a few croissants and an espresso for you. Don’t worry, relax, and let me clean everything.”
“I’ll wash my clothes on the laundromat while you organize my apartment, if you don’t mind,” Hongjoong suggests. “I’m sure Mingi might’ve told you about why we broke up.”
“Eat first,” Wooyoung says. “And, yeah, she said that Seonghwa just felt like it wasn’t the same for her.”
Hongjoong hums, avoiding the topic to prevent it from spreading any further. Wooyoung starts looking around the kitchen, picking up a few cups and putting them on the sink. She then proceeds to check for anything past the expiration date inside the refrigerator.
“I saw Seonghwa on the subway,” Hongjoong adds, making Wooyoung stop tossing a few yogurts in the trash to look at her. “She didn’t see me, though. She was focused on her phone. It was on the day you called me.”
“You reacted alright?”
Hongjoong shrugs. “The best way I could. Didn’t cry on the job, at least. She looked so… Okay. Like nothing has ever happened to her. Like she hasn’t ended a relationship in which she talked about having kids. It hurts. I still wish she thought we were soulmates…”
Wooyoung hums in understanding. “I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re strong and have gone through a lot of things.”
“Thank you,” she murmurs, throwing her empty cup in the trash. “I’m going to the laundromat.”
“Yep. Call me if something happens.”
Hongjoong nods. Going to the laundromat was always her part when she and Seonghwa were cleaning the apartment, so she knows the way like the back of her hand.
She separates the clothes by color before setting a mode for each type. She sits at the table while waiting, answering a few texts from Wooyoung asking what things she can throw away and which ones she should place somewhere else so Hongjoong can properly see what they are.
She’s watching a video when the door opens, making her look in that direction. She feels her heart skip a beat when she sees a girl with medium black hair, and probably a few centimeters taller than her. When the girl looks up, she is not who Hongjoong thought she was—and, honestly, Hongjoong feels relieved by it. She wouldn’t survive seeing her ex twice in the same week.
Wooyoung helped her the whole weekend, choosing movies for them to watch and doing her best to avoid anything that’d remind Hongjoong of Seonghwa. They eventually fell on the topic sometimes, Hongjoong confessing how she thought that she was being cheated on, but nothing brought closure to it. Wooyoung assured that Seonghwa hasn’t done that, because Hongjoong was very dear to her to ever hurt the youngest that much.
Barely two weeks later, Hongjoong enters the office, the familiar perfume immediately getting to her. She closes her eyes and silently wishes that whoever this coworker is, they’re just testing a new perfume and won’t be using that again.
Thirty minutes before lunch, she has to go to the bathroom to cry. Seonghwa loved that perfume since the first time Hongjoong gave it to her as a gift. She spent so much time smelling it whenever they went out on dates or left together for work that she could see herself hugging Seonghwa from behind and inhaling that scent before kissing the taller girl’s shoulder.
After three weeks of trying to just ignore the perfume, she decided to change her job. The fact that she saw Seonghwa on the subway at least four times during that time period also made her break down. She needed to move somewhere far from this side of the city, and that’s exactly what she’ll do.
Wooyoung said that she’s going too far, because she has to accept that someone might use the same perfume as Seonghwa, and she can’t help it. All Hongjoong answered was that she’ll be fine with it after she forgets about Seonghwa and all their unfulfilled promises.
She’ll be fine now, she knows that, because now she’s far away from the place where she could see Seonghwa’s ghost. And, also, this job pays better. Her apartment is also smaller. And she gave the cactus for Wooyoung to take care of.
She’s been happy. Her coffee is good again, and her eye bags aren’t so strong now. She still thinks about Seonghwa, yes, but it’s her feelings that haven’t gone away yet.
“I’m going out with a girl.” Hongjoong overhears when she enters her job. The two women talking are from another part of the office, and the few times Hongjoong met them, they’ve been nothing but nice to her.
“Oh? Who is she?” The other asks.
“Park Seonghwa,” the first one answers.
Hongjoong nearly drops her bottle of water, getting the attention of the two women. Just two months after their breakup, Seonghwa is ready to start another relationship? Did Hongjoong mean something more than just a dream that has gone wrong?
“Are you okay?” The same woman asks, worried, gaining Hongjoong’s attention.
“Yes. Sorry,” Hongjoong answers.
She walks back to her table, running her hands through her hair—that she still hasn’t decided if she wants to cut or just let it keep growing until it reaches the length where she gets bothered by it and cut it again.
At some point, Hongjoong starts wondering if they were ever on the same page in their relationship. Seonghwa always looked so excited when talking about how their house would be after they adopted their first child, how she’d decorate their room, and what kind of toys she’d buy. And Hongjoong also thought about it, but now it seems like Seonghwa was just saying her dream, and not something she dreamt exclusively with Hongjoong.
Three months later, Mingi came back to South Korea after spending a few months in Japan for a job involving producing songs. Hongjoong felt stupid when she asked ‘is seonghwa coming?’ to Yeosang after the girl texted her about the surprise party. Yeosang wouldn’t lie, especially since she has also been trying not to make Hongjoong have a huge breakdown, so she answered a ‘yes’.
Hongjoong was typing an excuse to tell her friends when Yeosang sent a ‘dw, i’ll tell them your work is draining all of your energy this week’. To what Hongjoong only thanked her and thought how lucky she was about the fact that none of their friends had chosen sides to stay closer after the breakup.
(She did send a gift for Mingi the day after the surprise party.)
In the fourth month, Hongjoong let herself be dragged to an office party. She kissed a girl in the bathroom, but she couldn’t follow the stranger to her apartment, because she knew her mind was still on Seonghwa and the way the girl touched her. She’d hate to be seen as a bad person just because she moaned someone else’s name.
She wasn’t as bad as the first three months, but she still hoped Seonghwa would come back. The kind of flame that is still burning and, if Seonghwa had it in her and came back to Hongjoong, they’d start all over again. If you ask Hongjoong, she’d tell you that she isn’t ready for a relationship that isn’t with Seonghwa.
Hongjoong has caught herself looking around the subway sometimes. She knows who she’s searching for, like her mind is stuck between someone who wants to run from Seonghwa—the one who made Hongjoong move to the other side of the city—and someone who still hopes that Seonghwa would come back, or at least be just a few steps away from Hongjoong again—the one who is burning inside Hongjoong now.
Maybe she should go back to Anyang. She will be far away from Seonghwa and won’t have any subway station to look for the other. It’s a good idea. She likes her birthplace, and she has been missing her mother’s food.
Somewhere between the fifth month and a year after the breakup, Seonghwa stopped going to their group meetings. And Hongjoong didn’t know if they were lying to her or if Seonghwa found a group of people more interesting. She wouldn’t be the one to unblock Seonghwa just to follow her life again.
Hongjoong is also doing better. She recently found a box Seonghwa had made for her to commemorate their first Valentine’s Day. It had pictures of them, chocolates, and a playlist code. The chocolates are long gone, the playlist doesn’t exist, so the only thing she can do is look at the pictures. It hurt, yes, because you can see that they were both in love.
She caught herself looking at Seonghwa longer than she wanted. The girl was always so hypnotizing, her smile so bright, together with her eyes shining whenever she was excited or talking about her interests, always made Hongjoong feel like she was being pulled towards Seonghwa. She could feel it even through a picture.
Her phone starts ringing, taking her attention away from the pictures.
“Hello?” Hongjoong asks as soon as she accepts it.
“Where are you?” Wooyoung’s voice is a mix of upset and worry.
“In my house.”
“We were supposed to go shopping. I can’t believe you forgot…”
Hongjoong takes a glance at her phone. She’s almost an hour late. “Sorry, I got distracted. If you still want, I can take a bath and we can walk around…”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yeah. I found a box with some pictures. Nothing much. I’ve been healing well,” she answers, a tiny smile growing on her face. “Who else is going shopping with us?”
Hongjoong starts to choose her clothes while Wooyoung answers, “Just us. Mingi and Yeosang have other plans. They have been doing things together for quite a while.”
“Let them be,” she answers and chuckles. “They’ve been dancing around each other for two years. At least.”
“Who do you think confessed first?”
“That’s hard… Maybe Yeosang? She’s shy, but after rehearsing what she’ll say a few times, she gets the courage to do things.”
“Yeah… Well, I’ll let you get ready. Tell me when you’re leaving.”
“Of course.”
Hongjoong closes the box and leaves it under the bed, going to take a bath and dress herself to go out. She tries to fix her hair, but it just won’t listen to her, so she ends up tying it in a ponytail.
Their shopping date ends up being Hongjoong buying any clothes Wooyoung wanted or that she thought her friend looked pretty in. She has missed paying things to someone else, and Wooyoung was more than happy to be spoiled.
“Let’s get some ice cream, and then we can call it a day,” Hongjoong suggests after they leave the last shop Wooyoung wanted to visit.
“Sounds good.”
They’re walking back to the subway station when Hongjoong recognizes who’s leaving one of the shops. Her heart skips a beat, but she doesn’t feel like losing her breath like the other times she saw Seonghwa.
Seonghwa’s hair is longer now, but it is still black. Her style didn’t change much, and she is still wearing the star necklace she loves.
Hongjoong changes her side on the sidewalk, while Wooyoung stops to greet her friend. There’s someone with Seonghwa, but they don’t seem to be more than friends. She watches as Wooyoung talks with Seonghwa; the girl’s smile is more hypnotizing than ever. Seonghwa has a way with her beauty and composure that works as a magnet for Hongjoong.
After Seonghwa finally follows her way, the two friends take their path back to the subway station. Wooyoung is checking Hongjoong from time to time, as if ready to help her friend if she ever feels something negative towards what happened today.
“Who was the person with her?” Hongjoong asks after they find a place to sit on their way to the closest stop from Hongjoong’s apartment.
“A friend from work, apparently. They’re not together, if that’s what you want to know,” Wooyoung answers. “Seonghwa said she’s focused on herself now.”
Hongjoong hums. “Yeah, classic.”
“What’s with your tone?”
“I’ve heard a colleague from work say she’s been going out with a ‘Park Seonghwa,’” she starts, fidgeting with one of the shopping bags. “I know Seoul is big, but… It’s a funny coincidence. And Seonghwa was always smiling at her phone when I saw her. It’s something she did when we were together.”
“She hasn’t really talked about her love life with us,” Wooyoung explains. “But if it’s been going on for a while, we’d have seen signs on her Instagram or something. I don’t think she’s with someone else.”
Hongjoong nods. “It’s her life, anyway. And I blocked her everywhere, so… She should do what she wants.”
“You’re making her a villain. It’s good to heal, but it’s not how you should do that.”
“I’m not. It’s just… Upsetting. She was my life, and she made promises, shared her dreams with me. Maybe it was her dreams, and anyone else can help her fulfill them, not just me.”
Wooyoung nods, caressing her friend’s thigh before intertwining their hands. “But don’t turn this pain into hate. It’ll hurt more.”
“I won’t.”
The rest of the way is quiet, with Wooyoung caressing Hongjoong’s hand with her thumb. Hongjoong helped Wooyoung with dinner, organizing her living room so they could use a spare mattress to watch movies until they fell asleep.
In a few months, Hongjoong decided to believe her friends that Seonghwa wasn’t coming to their meetings and started going out with all of them again. They were always going on ice cream dates, sometimes they went to an art exhibition, or just chose someone’s place to stay and watch movies.
At a certain point, Hongjoong has fully healed from the breakup. At least she’s not losing her breath just by the chance of meeting Seonghwa again. It broke her heart after Seonghwa got away, but it happens, and it’s fine (at least now).
She didn’t get into another relationship, and she won’t force it just for the sake of making herself believe that she has been fine about Seonghwa. It isn’t how things work, and the universe takes its time with everything. You just have to wait.
She still keeps the pictures under her bed, together with a lot of other gifts she got from her friends. The box has turned into a time travel box, to which she can go back to remind herself that, eventually, everything will be alright.
She has also finally cut her hair. It’s a shaggy mullet now, and it’s in a golden brown color. She feels like her head is lighter, and the fact that she doesn’t need to think about a different hairstyle every time she goes out also makes her more excited to leave her house.
Everyone (especially Wooyoung, who has been watching her healing from everything since the beginning) says that she looks more lively, and she smiles more, too. If you ask her co-workers, they’ll tell you that even her mood in the office has improved.
Hongjoong watches as another subway stops by the platform, making her walk away from the wall she has been supporting herself on to enter it.
The doors slide open, and the crowd of people leaving it, but someone gets Hongjoong’s attention completely. Her heart, for once, beats faster instead of skipping a beat and taking her breath away. But she is completely frozen.
Seonghwa still looks so beautiful. Her hair is still black, but now it’s a layered short hair; it’s styled in a messy, textured way, giving it volume and a casual feel. She’s dressed in high-waisted, wide-leg dark grey trousers, with a black, sheer, long-sleeved button-up shirt over a plain black shirt. Her shoulder bag is crossing her chest to the right side.
She looks surprised, her hands clutching around the strap of her bag as she walks towards Hongjoong, who has barely moved from her spot. It’s been five years since they last saw each other face-to-face. They stare at each other for a few seconds, completely forgetting that they’re in the middle of the way.
Seonghwa looks shy, the tip of her ears is red, and she’s stuck between running her nail on the fabric of the strap or clutching her hand around it again. Hongjoong is still frozen, not able to say anything.
“Hi,” Seonghwa murmurs, biting her bottom lip. “I… I wanted to meet you again.”
She stares at Seonghwa. There’s so much to process that everything she can answer is, “Wooyoung told you where I live now?”
Seonghwa doesn’t seem hurt about the question; instead, she chuckles and answers, “No. I… This will sound crazy, but I’ve been changing the station I get off every day in the hope of seeing you waiting to take your subway or something like that.”
“I thought it’d be my role in this,” Hongjoong jokes. “Something happened for you to be so eager to meet me around the city?”
“I… I was wrong. Back then. I thought I didn’t love you as much as you loved me, but I just got confused between the fact that our relationship started to be routine for me, instead of being something I did because I loved you, and actually loving you. As Hongjoong.”
Hongjoong stares at her again. She can see her subway leaving, but this isn’t something she cares about right now. She watches as Seonghwa’s eyes turn into something else that doesn’t show hope.
“If you—If you moved on, and are with someone else, it’s fine. I should’ve looked for you earlier, but I knew how hurt you must’ve felt and—” She exhales and takes a step back. “Forget it. I was never here.”
Hongjoong watches as she walks away, unable to process everything. She is completely frozen. Seonghwa has been loving her all this time. And she would never know if Seonghwa didn’t decide to look for her again.
She looks towards the direction Seonghwa left, the crowd has swallowed her already, but Hongjoong still walks between people to catch her before she enters another subway.
After a few pushes, she finally sees the familiar figure.
“Seong—Sorry, excuse me,” she asks as she tries to get through a bunch of people. “Seonghwa!”
Seonghwa turns around. Her nose is red now, no makeup can hide it, and it becomes more evident after Hongjoong is closer to her again.
“I… I have moved on,” Hongjoong starts, making Seonghwa turn to leave, but she holds the taller girl’s wrist. “Wait—we can start again. I promise.”
“I have to win your heart again?” She asks.
Hongjoong opens a tiny smile. “Honestly, it won’t be hard.”
Seonghwa chuckles, looking around before turning to Hongjoong again. “We can discuss it later, if you prefer. You must be tired after working all day.”
“Okay. Yeah, I agree,” she answers and lets go of Seonghwa’s wrist. “I’ll text you. Is your number still the same?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
They stare at each other, Seonghwa sniffling a little bit because of her nearly crying moment, making Hongjoong chuckle.
“Sorry,” she murmurs. “See you?”
Seonghwa nods. “Thank you for giving me this chance.”
“Kinda hard not to when you were the girl that changed my life,” she answers. “But I’ll get going. Your hair looks beautiful.”
Seonghwa opens a smile. “Thanks. Have a safe trip back.”
“You too.”
On the way to her house, Hongjoong unblocks Seonghwa from everything. It felt nice, but she’s thankful that she blocked Seonghwa, because he wouldn’t know what to do if she saw every change Seonghwa went through.
hongjoong [8:56pm]:
hi, it’s hongjoong
seonghwa [8:56pm]:
hi!! do you prefer texting or calling?
hongjoong [8:57pm]:
i’m eating dinner rn
so calling would be better
seonghwa [8:57pm]:
okay!! wait a little bit
Three minutes later, an incoming video call starts ringing in Hongjoong’s phone. She supports it in a glass full of water and accepts the call. Seonghwa is wearing a headband, and her eyes don’t have any makeup now, only a few parts of her face.
“Can you see me well? I’m removing my makeup right now,” she asks first.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Hongjoong answers, watching the other put some product in a cotton patch before running it over her eyebrows. “Can you explain a bit more about what you felt at that time?”
Seonghwa lets out a long sigh. “I think I lost the spark I had when we started dating. I still loved you, but going on dates or spending time with you started to feel like a chore instead of being something I should enjoy or be happy with. I can’t tell what happened. Maybe I got tired because of my old job, and everything went down from there.”
Hongjoong hums in understanding. “You could’ve talked about it with me.”
“I know. It’s because I thought I fell out of love, so I didn’t want to give you hope. Also, what could make us sure that everything would be alright?”
“What can make us sure this will work out now?” Hongjoong answers, making the two of them stare at each other through the screen for a few seconds. “Why did you decide to look for me five years after it?”
“You blocked me everywhere,” she murmurs, now back to removing her makeup. “I was hoping to see you when Mingi came back, but you didn’t go to the party. I asked Wooyoung about you, and she said you were doing badly.”
Hongjoong nods, moving her food around. “She helped me a lot.”
“I know. I understood how much I hurt you when Wooyoung mentioned you hadn’t cut your hair—something you love so much,” she adds and sighs. “So I gave you some time. I wasn’t going to push you; this could hurt you more, you know? So I kept waiting. I saw that picture Wooyoung posted of you in her story a few months ago, and you looked fine. I started searching for you just a month ago.”
“So you loved me, all this time?”
“Yes.”
“You never tried something new?”
“No.”
Hongjoong feels like something inside her has come together, as if two puzzle pieces have found their perfect match. She nods again, noticing how Seonghwa stares at her curiously.
“A coworker. She said she was going out with someone named ‘Park Seonghwa,’” she clarifies. “I did make you the villain for some time. You shared your dreams with me, and suddenly someone is going out with a girl with your name? And I also saw you with someone else, so…”
“Who?”
“Years ago. Wooyoung stopped to talk with you.”
“Oh! That must’ve been San,” she answers with a smile. “Well, Wooyoung is going out with her now.”
“That lovely masc lesbian she keeps bragging about,” Hongjoong pretends to complain, opening a smile. “But, honestly, you left, saying you didn’t love me anymore. I was angry that what you said could’ve been the truth.”
Seonghwa hums. “I get it. I would’ve felt the same.”
“You really never tried something with someone else?”
“Now you’re trying to find reasons to hurt yourself, Joong,” she observes. “I did kiss a few girls. Not much, though. I didn’t desire someone so deep.”
Hongjoong hums. “I felt the same. I got close, honestly, but I didn’t relax, so we couldn’t do much.”
Seonghwa nods, getting up and taking her phone with her. Hongjoong only watches in silence. It still had the natural feeling of something else, like they never parted ways. Seonghwa washes her face, cleaning it with a towel before walking to her kitchen.
“So,” she starts again after making sure the call hasn’t ended, “are you sure you want to start again?”
“We should start slowly, actually, going through the friends part before turning into lovers again,” Hongjoong suggests. “That way we’ll be sure about what we actually want.”
Seonghwa nods. “Makes sense. I could also get a hold of what made me feel that way.”
“Take your time with it. Just remember that, if we ever get together again, I’m here, and sometimes talking can make things easier.”
“Thank you,” she answers with a soft smile. “Your hair also looks beautiful.”
Hongjoong giggles. “Thank you.”
They stay on call until Seonghwa finishes making her dinner, saying a ‘goodnight’ to each other before turning off.
Hongjoong never expected that meeting Seonghwa again would be calming, rather than hurtful. She understands how genuine Seonghwa is with her feelings, and having closure about what really made them go on separate ways is better than just moving on and starting another relationship.
A few weeks later, they meet up to grab a coffee together. They’re both dressed in wide-leg trousers; Seonghwa’s one is black, the same color as her turtleneck, and Hongjoong’s one is cream, the same color as the button shirt under her black sweater. It’s clear they’re going straight to work after this.
“Good morning,” Hongjoong greets, getting Seonghwa’s attention.
“Hi, good morning,” she answers with a smile. “I didn’t order yet, I was just looking through the menu.”
Hongjoong smiles back. “It’s alright. Have you decided what you want?”
“I was thinking about an iced tea and a tiramisu cake. An espresso for you, if you still like it,” Seonghwa says, her eyes running through the menu.
“Yeah, I’m fine with it,” Hongjoong agrees, getting the attention of a waiter.
She watches as Seonghwa orders it, thanking the waiter as he turns to leave. They stare at each other for a few seconds before looking away with embarrassed chuckles, Hongjoong fidgeting with one of her rings while Seonghwa fixes her hair.
“What have you been up to those last years?” Hongjoong starts.
“I changed my job barely two months after we broke up, accountancy is too stressful,” she chuckles. “I’m working with customer service now.”
“Isn’t it more stressful?”
Seonghwa shrugs. “Sometimes.”
“I’m still working with the administrative,” she answers. “This office is less tiring than the former one.”
“Why did you leave the other?”
Hongjoong chuckles before looking at her hand. “A coworker started using your perfume. I was starting to get crazy. I also saw you on the subway a couple of times, so… Not good.”
“The universe wasn’t good to you for a while,” Seonghwa murmurs. “Funny how I was the one who didn’t fall out of love.”
“I didn’t fall out of love, I said I moved on from what happened,” Hongjoong corrects, making Seonghwa stare at her.
“So you’re saying that my chances are a bit higher?”
Hongjoong opens a teasing smile. “Who knows?”
Seonghwa laughs, watching the waiter serving their food. They take their first bites in silence, their expressions showing how good the food is.
Hongjoong feels like she can get lost in Seonghwa’s beauty again. The years only made Seonghwa a bit more mature, but she still looks as beautiful as always, with her shining eyes and pretty smile.
“What is going on inside your head?” Seonghwa asks before taking a bite of the cake.
“You’re still so pretty,” she answers, making the other giggle.
“You hoped I’d get ugly or something?” Seonghwa asks back.
“I think if it were a few years ago, I’d hope you’d get less attractive, not ugly. It would never happen,” she answers, clearly panicking about the question.
Seonghwa giggles again. “It’s fine, I get it. It’s the pain you turn into anger.”
Hongjoong nods. “I thought you’d hate me if I told you how bad I perceived you after everything.”
“It’s because I understand you. I’d also try to curse the life of someone who hurt me the most,” Seonghwa answers with a comforting smile. “Wooyoung always told me how bad you were, and I really wanted to help you get better, but I knew how it’d only make it worse, so I waited.”
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be good to have you back saying that you loved me,” she murmurs. “I think everything has its time; we just have to wait.”
“That’s right,” Seonghwa answers with a smile, looking at the time on her phone. “I’ll get going, I need to catch a taxi before going to my work.”
“Yes, I need to go, too.”
“It was good. I didn’t think we’d be so comfortable with each other right after meeting again,” Seonghwa adds, making Hongjoong open a tiny smile.
“I didn’t expect it, too,” she answers and stops Seonghwa’s hands while she’s searching for something in her bag. “I’ll pay. And you know how stubborn I am about paying things.”
Seonghwa exhales, opening a smile before agreeing. They share a hug outside the café before parting ways. Hongjoong can’t help but smile when she notices Seonghwa still wears the same perfume.
Slowly, they start leaving the past behind and enjoy their present. Their talks started being about their days instead of circling around what they could have been. Hongjoong can feel that Seonghwa is dear to her, but it hasn’t crossed the line of friendship yet.
She can’t help but feel a little bit sad about it, not only because she feels like they could make their relationship work now, but also because Seonghwa still feels something, and, even if she understands her feelings better now, she probably has something deep inside her hoping they’d get back together.
“Joong?” Seonghwa’s voice gets her out of her thoughts. “Come, the show is starting.”
Hongjoong looks at her. Seonghwa hasn’t changed—her eyes still shine while looking at Hongjoong. She notices when the other frowns, a tiny smile appearing on her face.
“Is something wrong?” Seonghwa asks, lowering the hand she was holding in Hongjoong’s direction.
“What if I don’t feel like that again?” Hongjoong murmurs. “You’re sticking around, and we’re going out, but what if I don’t fall in love with you again? This whole thing will be pointless.”
Seonghwa closes her hand around the stick with some spiral potatoes. “I like being with you because you’re comforting. You always have something to share, and you engage with what everyone around you likes, even if it’s not your style. I’m not sticking around because I love you; I’m sticking around because I want to be friends with you again. That’s what we were first before becoming a couple.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Hongjoong answers.
“You’ll hurt me more if you leave and give up on building a friendship again just because of my feelings,” she adds.
Hongjoong hums. “Sorry. It is just… I can’t help but think about it.”
“I know. But I don’t want you to think this is the only reason I’m staying. It’s more about our friendship than that.”
Hongjoong nods, getting up. They can hear the muffled sound of music playing. “Let’s go.”
Seonghwa smiles, walking first to guide Hongjoong.
The show is from a cover band, and the songs they chose to perform fit Hongjoong’s style perfectly, making her enjoy it a bit and forget about her worries. They stick around a little more after the show ends, just to buy something to eat before following to the subway station and parting ways.
Slowly, Hongjoong gets a little more relaxed around Seonghwa. They start having movie nights in whoever’s apartment is more organized for it, especially when they start bringing a mattress to the living room and sometimes falling asleep together. Which also ends up being when they start getting closer, their bodies naturally hugging each other while they’re sleeping.
“Oh, shit!” Seonghwa’s voice exclaiming immediately wakes Hongjoong up. She throws the smaller girl’s arm away from her waist and sits on the mattress, shaking Hongjoong’s body. “Get up, you’ll get late.”
“Late?” Hongjoong asks back, blinking a few times before looking at the clock on the screen of Seonghwa’s phone. “But it’s Saturday. I don’t work on Saturdays.”
Seonghwa frowns. Yes, it’s the first time Hongjoong spends the night on Friday, so her mind would definitely forget that Hongjoong doesn’t need to get up early the next day.
“Come back to sleep,” Hongjoong complains, pulling Seonghwa’s arm so she can lie down again.
What happens next is too fast. One moment, Hongjoong is pulling Seonghwa to lie down again, the other, their faces are so close that Hongjoong can feel Seonghwa’s breath on her lips. She doesn’t understand how they ended up in this position—Hongjoong on her back, with half of Seonghwa’s body above her, the older one supporting herself in one arm that braces over Hongjoong’s waist. If Seonghwa didn’t hold herself like that, they’d have probably bumped their heads.
Being this close again sends shivers through Hongjoong’s whole body, like every inch of her is trying to remember how she felt having Seonghwa so close. She feels her heart beat faster, the kind of desire she only felt when she confessed her feelings to Seonghwa almost nine years ago.
She stares at Seonghwa, her eyes running through all her face, stopping at her lips before going back to her eyes. Seonghwa is just frozen, maybe trying to process what happened, judging by her surprised eyes.
“Shit, so—” Seonghwa starts, ready to get up, but she gets interrupted when Hongjoong pulls her closer again, their noses almost touching this time. “Joong, we’ll be crossing that line.”
Hongjoong takes a deep breath. “I know.”
Seonghwa stares at Hongjoong, like she is still thinking about it. Hongjoong slides one hand to Seonghwa’s waist, making the older one almost let go of the strength she’s using to support herself in one arm and give in to what Hongjoong is implying.
“You’ll have to talk about when you realized your feelings for me,” Seonghwa states, making Hongjoong chuckle.
“Right now, actually. You know the kind of pull we felt towards each other when we were, I don’t know, nineteen? The moment before our first kiss?”
Seonghwa playfully rolls her eyes. “Okay. So you didn’t realize anything before it?”
“No… You never stopped being pretty in my eyes, so I can tell if you became prettier. Besides, I couldn’t find any moment to miss you, which could be a sign, because we’ve been watching movies for three days per week. Except this last one. Because I wanted to see you mor—Wait. This one might be a sign, too.”
Seonghwa chuckles, hiding her face on Hongjoong’s chest before looking up again. Her arm shakes once more, showing that her muscles are getting tired of staying in that position. Hongjoong caresses her waist.
“You could just let go and kiss me, you know? That way you won’t hurt your arm,” Hongjoong murmurs, now sliding her hand to Seonghwa’s back. “I might still be a good kisser. It’s your loss.”
Seonghwa opens a smile, wrapping her arm around Hongjoong’s waist, supporting her weight on the girl’s body. Hongjoong smiles back, kissing the tip of Seonghwa’s nose, then right at the corner of her lips, before starting a kiss.
Hongjoong feels like she’s reviving the best time of her life by feeling Seonghwa’s soft lips on hers. She guides Seonghwa to sit on her lap, making their position a little more comfortable, making their lips fit perfectly.
She runs her hands through all of Seonghwa’s back, feeling Seonghwa’s hands run through her arms, before holding her face and deepening the kiss. Hongjoong draws circles around Seonghwa’s waist, breaking the kiss to catch her breath.
Seonghwa sits straight, while Hongjoong says, “You didn’t seem so eager…”
She chuckles before answering, “We just woke up. It’s… Um… You know, we didn’t brush our teeth and all…”
Hongjoong puts her tongue out together with a ‘bleh’ sound. Seonghwa does the same, leaving their position. They don’t share any words while walking to the bathroom.
“Now all of our outings will be dates,” Hongjoong comments. “And none of our friends know.”
“Wooyoung and San are planning on making everyone meet each other,” Seonghwa comments. “I think Yunho and Jongho might like meeting the others.”
“They look like amazing people, based on what you told me,” Hongjoong answers, hugging Seonghwa’s waist. “Still, we should only say something about it when we feel ready.”
“Yes,” Seonghwa answers in a smile, giving Hongjoong a quick peck. “It’ll be better to wait and see if we’ll be fine.”
Hongjoong hums, following Seonghwa to the kitchen. They’re waiting for a good time to talk about everything, because their relationship was fine—until it ended. So far, they’re just enjoying the good hours of discovering you’re loving someone.
After a week, Hongjoong opens her door to Seonghwa. They planned to meet and talk about what they want from this relationship, since they’re older and more mature now, and probably have a few plans for the rest of their lives, and how they want to get older.
“Good morning,” Hongjoong says, smiling when Seonghwa kisses her cheek. “How are you today?”
“I’m fine,” she answers while taking off her shoes. Hongjoong notices when Seonghwa quickly lifts her eyebrows and opens a smirk. “What did you cook?”
“You still have this talent of discovering anything I try to hide,” she answers with an embarrassed smile. “It’s tofu and stew.”
“I mean, food is harder to hide because of the smell,” Seonghwa observes, smiling. “But it’s been so long since I last ate tofu and stew. I loved it.”
“You didn’t eat it yet,” Hongjoong answers while walking to the kitchen, Seonghwa right behind her.
“I used to love your tofu and stew.”
Hongjoong smiles, sitting at the table and moving her hand in a way to show that Seonghwa can eat first. Just like the other times they spent time together, this moment is also comfortable. Now, much more enjoyable, because they’re walking the path to be together again.
“Was it good?” Hongjoong asks after they finish.
“Amazing,” Seonghwa answers with a big smile, making the other also smile.
They go silent again, not from uncertainty about what they want to talk about, just because they know it’ll make things a lot more serious than five years ago, when they didn’t think much about their future.
“Do you want to start?” Seonghwa asks first. “I don’t think I have any big dreams.”
“I mean, I also don’t have it. I’d prefer to follow my partner’s time.”
Seonghwa hums. “I think, after we get more stability—financial stability—I’d adopt a kid. Or maybe have a kid. IVF or something.”
Hongjoong stares at Seonghwa, noticing her soft pink cheeks. They both smile and chuckle.
“It’s a nice plan,” Hongjoong answers. “I want to live together with my partner, so anything that comes from it would be a win.”
“It feels like a nice plan,” Seonghwa observes with a smile. “And where do you want to get old?”
“Anywhere,” she answers, making they both laugh. “But in a calm neighborhood.”
“A hard thing in Seoul…”
“We’ll find somewhere.”
Seonghwa smiles. “I guess our feelings are pretty much aligned.”
“We were kind of aligned when we were dating,” Hongjoong murmurs. “Also, for our relationship, we can still have dates, like our movie night back then, but we should also plan something out of it. And talk, of course, if something goes wrong.”
“Yes, agreed,” she chuckles.
“I’m glad we were able to start again.”
Seonghwa opens a smile. “Me too.”
“So, what should we do now?” Hongjoong asks. “What should we do to commemorate?”
The smile on Seonghwa’s face never falters. “Kiss?”
Hongjoong chuckles and gets up, together with Seonghwa, to start a slow kiss. Seonghwa immediately kissed her back, holding her face with both hands, before supporting her arms on Hongjoong’s shoulders. Unlike Seonghwa, Hongjoong first hugs the taller girl’s waist before sliding her hands under her shirt and caressing her skin slowly.
The kiss is soft, like they’re sharing feelings through that touch. It gives them a warm, bubbling feeling that makes them smile between kisses. Hongjoong places a few kisses around Seonghwa’s face before putting a few inches between their faces.
“Thank you for waiting for me,” Hongjoong murmurs.
“It’s the least I could do after everything,” Seonghwa answers and smiles, touching their foreheads. “I hope we get to grow old together.”
“I’ll spoil you so much. You’ll be the first old lady to be spoiled like that.”
Seonghwa chuckles. “It sounds fun.”
They share a quick peck before Hongjoong organizes her kitchen. She feels more ready about their relationship now, like this is the right time to be together instead. Now, they’re in the right place, at the right time.