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A Jester. That's what he is, what he assigned himself as. He could've chosen any other path after those hellish years of high school. But he chose to pick up the happy theater mask, placing it over his face and wearing it proudly. It's familiar, freeing. Allowing him to be as wild as he wants, as weird and nonconforming as he wants.
And yet, in a way, it's still just that. A mask. A persona. An outlet.
He may laugh along with his brothers, invisible silent bells jingling from his funny hat, transparent mask grinning ear to ear. But that's not all he is.
He's observant, picking up on little shifts in body language and atmosphere. He's two steps ahead of any potential fight when he recognizes the signs. He's more than happy to join in to add a little chaos. Sometimes, he gets caught up in his own little world, in his own excitement, and it's usually for a good cause! (The atmosphere was heavy, he needed to lift it, make it lighter. He didn't recognize the ticking time bomb until it was too late. Until it kicked him in the stomach, sending him flying across the room. Until it he was in his face, teeth bared and voice low. That look of fury and utter betrayal will forever burn itself into his memories, his nightmares. The room was tenser than ever once the shoji slammed shut, he fixed his crooked mask that slipped from the scuffle and played his role, praying, begging to lighten the gloomy air. He still has to stop himself from flinching whenever he hears Osomatsus raised voice…)
He knows when Ichimatsu would want some company, even if he has a hard time conveying it through words. He picks up on the way Todomatsu carries himself after returning home from a mixer, shoulders heavy, furrowed brows crinkled together and a subtle scowl replacing his usual cute smile. He notices Karamatsus strained smile when he gets up in the morning, slipping on his own mask, smile twitching into its practiced stance, playing the role he's been using ever since the end of high school.
And every time he notices these little subtleties, these little fragments his brothers leave behind in their wake, he has a choice to make.
To ignore it as per the Matsuno way. Or to do his very best to help, even if he ends up striking out. Nine times out of ten, he's more than willing to help, even if it's only a little.
He sits with Ichimatsu while he pets the cat in his lap, not moving an inch when Ichimatsu mutters that he doesn't care for the company. Yet he doesn't miss the soft, small smile that graces his brothers features.
He shoves a bowl of ice cream at Todomatsu, plopping himself beside his surprised baby brother and lends an ear. He listens, nodding along and reacting as Todomatsu rants and rambles about one of the worst mixers he's ever attended, excluding the one he went with Osomatsu that one time.
He approaches Karamatsu and asks to sing with him on the roof. His heart soars from the look of sheer joy and affection that sparkles in his brothers eyes, tearing through the gloomy, dark clouds that once swirled within them. Karamatsu exclaims a painful line and scrambles for his guitar.
And yet, despite all this, his brothers, most people in fact, seem to be… afraid of him in some capacity. That's what he wanted in high school, to be feared and left alone because if he's feared, he wouldn't be picked on. And it worked, kinda… It was… really lonely. And that's not what he wants anymore.
He wants to help others smile. To bring laughter and good times. To be the light that slices through people's darkest shadows. To be the person he silently begged to notice him, see him help him during one of the most depressing, isolating and saddest time of his entire life.
One of his biggest reasons to take up the mask along with many little reasons.
Another reason is that he has the ability to convince his brothers to listen. He's the family sunshine, the one who sometimes participates in the others occasionally cruel adventures and shenanigans.
They'll listen to him. Even if they aren't in the best of moods. They lower their guard, soften their hardened edges whenever he asks (most of the time, Totty is… tricky.) He mostly uses it to suggest dumb, fun ideas or get a sweet treat.
But sometimes, he has to step up when things are taken too far.
When Choromatsu is the brunt of the joke after a long, hard day of failure after failure. Often times led by Osomatsu who should know better, he's the second most observant out of all of them.
When Osomatsu is staring off into some distant pocket of space when he thinks no one is looking. Feeding the whispering doubts, insecurities and fears that slither out of the deepest, darkest crevices of his mind. He snaps back into his laid back, lazy persona when he notices that he has eyes on him.
When Karamatsu is ignored, disregarded and shunned to the point he questions his own worth and existence. Questions his place within a family that seemingly doesn't care for him yet he would do anything for, because he loves them that much.
When Ichimatsus bad day turns from a 4 to a 1 in an instant, drawing in on himself because he believes he deserves it. Snapping and hissing at anyone who dares to get too close, wanting, craving to wallow in his self misery and hatred.
When Todomatsu is called heartless for the umpteenth time out of hurt and jealousy for their babies brothers capabilities. But he does have one, it's just buried, hidden from sight to prevent his heart from cracking and shattering just as easily as Ichimatsus does.
He's there, every time. Being the gentle, albeit odd and somewhat confusing voice of reason that they need.
Convincing Osomatsu to apologize, giving him a gentle push to do so. Osomatsu and Choromatsu ended up talking late into the night with tearful eyes and apologies.
Carefully breaking down Osomatsus expertly crafted walls so his eldest brother can confide in him, passing him over to Karamatsu when he's unable to do anymore to help.
Firmly scolding the others for excluding Karamatsu after playing this song and dance so many times before. They should all know better. Seeking out the blue Matsu first and lending a shoulder to cry on. It hurts hearing how insignificant one of his favorite elder brothers views himself.
Silently providing company amidst the dark storm brewing and crackling in Ichimatsus mind, amplifying the horrible thoughts emerging from his pit of self hatred. Gently squeezing his hand to ground him, to give him other options.
Spending time with Todomatsu and reminding him of his shining qualities when everything gets to him. Showing the others that Totty isn't just the dry monster that they keep saying he is, he's also their baby brother.
He'll always step up to the challenge, even if he fumbles the ball a few times. Because they're his brothers. Because they need someone. Because someone has to do it. Because he wants to do it.
A smile, a joke, a zany gag just under his sleeve. That's who he is. Aware, understanding, empathetic is also who he is.
A NEET. A freak. Too loud. Too energetic. An embarrassment. Unable to live a proper, normal life because he can't seem to fit himself into the mold of normal…
Sometimes he's asked randomly if he's doing okay by one or multiple of his brothers. And those are the days Jyushimatsu realizes he let his mask slip a little too far for his liking, let his smile drop for just a fraction for a second too long. He's quick to put on his biggest smile and reassure them that he's fine. (It hurts the most with Ichimatsu. They both know he's lying.)
He's fine! Really! That concern should go to Karamatsu, afraid of being isolated, of not fitting in with the people he loves most. Willing to sacrifice anything and everything to give them what they want. Including himself.
Or Ichimatsu whenever he has a bad day, wanting, yearning to spend time with the rest of them but doesn't know how to say it. He's so, so afraid of getting hurt yet is willing to do so to himself either because he believes he deserves it or it's become too much for him to handle.
He understands their pain more than anyone. He knows his brothers think their self worth is little to nothing, trash or better off dead. He's felt it too.
He knows the horrible thoughts that swim in the abyss consuming their minds. He's heard them too.
He knows what it's like to scream inside his own head, yelling at the loud, sharp thoughts demanding him to tear open his skin, to bleed his sins away. His body betraying him by sending tingles to his inner wrists, crying, begging to carve red valleys that weep red. Cause he's experienced it too.
He'll go to his older brothers for scrapes and bruises, he'll go to them when he loses his bat or his balls. He'll go to them when he feels a little sad. Never when he doesn't want to leave the warmth of the futon, barely eat anything and has to struggle to maintain a smile, his signature smile, the smile that screams "Jyushimatsu!"
He has to be there for others, be there to bring a smile to their faces. He can't do that if he can't handle his own problems by himself. He'll shove them deep, deep inside him, into a bottle and hidden in the darkest closet he can find within himself. Because if he can't smile, if he can't bring joy and entertainment to others, then what good is he?
Cause what kind of sun frowns? What kind of Jester cries? There's no clouds to hide him, a constant spotlight of presence he desperately wished he didn't have at times. It's hard to hide sunshine. He sometimes wishes that all eyes go to his sparkling, verbose brother who deserves it far more than him.
But this is the burden he must carry. The mask he chooses to wear. He's the Jester, the kings confidant and entertainment. He's the Jester, the bringer of joy and voice of reason.
He's the Jester.
And Jesters always smile…
So why can't he?