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Standing in her room, both Riri and Mary twitched slightly; they struggled around each other as if they were just now meeting each other. Jesus, Mary thought, it was like the first time they met when she had joined the council.
It was awkward then, too. Mary had just destroyed some nameless bitch who had called Mary short. She had gotten so annoyed at the bitch that she had to clasp her hands behind her back to stop herself from punching her. Kira had joined the crowd towards the end, intent on watching Mary. Once Mary had destroyed the offensive slut, she had stood over the girl, teasing her about her new house pet status. Kira had stepped in, had said something witty that Mary had missed in the moment, too caught up talking, teasing, her second house pet. Not hearing what Kira had to say, Mary became defensive.
"So what bitch, you want to challenge me now too?" Mary had said, swinging around to Kira. Mary had frozen stock still when she had realised who she had threatened.
The council meeting after that, Mary was a little gun-shy and unwilling to say a word, but arrived early anyway. Kira was standing at the council desk, still fuming at the sight of Mary. Riri is just sitting there, unable to say a single word.
This awkwardness felt more... Well, Riri couldn't describe how it felt worse, but it did. This silence felt like she couldn't breathe, and instead of her words being stuck inside like they usually were, they felt as though they would burst from her chest if she didn't release them soon.
Riri couldn't remember the last time she felt like this. Father had supposedly destroyed any notion of emotion or weakness in both of his daughters years ago. Riri was coming to the quick realisation it wasn't true as she stared down her girlfriend, lover? They didn't really have a title, Riri admitted to herself.
That made the emotions rush in like a tidal wave, obliterating any sense of self-control she had left.
"They call me strong now. Resilient. Unbreakable. Monstrous. Inhuman. A Robot. You called me a vulture." Her voice was quiet, as it usually was, but now it held an oddly bitter coolness to it that struck Mary hard. For once, Mary had nothing to say, couldn't say anything really.
"But no one ever looked beyond the mask. No one ever wanted to. You didn't." Riri's voice, still cold and distant, broke at the end, and her eyes filled with tears. One slowly dripped down her face, leaving streaks of black eyeliner. It was the look on Riri's face that broke Mary in that moment, more than her words. Riri looked totally, completely, emotionally and mentally dismantled. Not even the lasting effects of alcohol could soften the blow now.
"You called me a vulture! You spoke about how I preyed on the weak and defenceless. You lectured me about how I was a his little murder bot. You compared me to him." Riri's voice was rising now, her words beginning to come out of her faster and faster. Mary could do nothing but break, silently, hiding it within herself. There was no point in showing emotion now. Whatever they had of a relationship, destroyed.
"You never once considered that maybe I was the hunted. You called me a vulture, but vultures rarely kill; they have weak talons that were never meant for killing. You compared me to one, and still you never even thought to consider a weakness." Riri was practically yelling now, her mask threatening to waterboard her as it filled with tears. She didn't seem to care. Mary did, but she was paralysed, stuck, unable to respond, apologise. Unable to offer any comfort to a girl she was starting to realise she loved. The same girl who was slowly imploding in front of her eyes.
"The things I do for my sister, my mother..." Riri heaved a sigh, her words coming softer now, not because she had calmed, she realised with a start, but because her voice was hindered with the almost silent sobs that caused her chest to heave.
"For you, Mary." Her words came out on a breath between sobs. Mary was waiting silently still, tears running down her face without her realising.
"I would burn the world for you, I would light myself on fire and destroy the ninth ring of hell just because you asked Mary." The admission came out as if the words themselves wrenched themselves from Riri's chest. It left her breathing heavily again, even though the still heaving sobs. Her mask, now completely drenched in tears, felt suffocating, and Riri removed it in necessity.
She kept her head down, feeling naked, exposed, alone. She waited for Mary to respond and attempted valiantly to keep her hopes low. She didn't need to add crushed hopes to the tragedy that her day had become.
She wondered vaguely if she should have just given up before she started. At least then Mary would be safe, unnoticed by her father.
She and Mary would continue to orbit the same space but never collide. That was safer than colliding and coming out on top only to realise that you were the only one left. Again. Constant distance was much better than being completely isolated once more.
Mary felt her anger rise again. An instinctual response to difficult situations that Mary still hadn't managed to fully control. She knew what happened when she allowed her anger to control her. Furiously, she snapped her index finger, nail side down, against her inner wrist, desperately trying to hold in the outburst she knew was coming. She hated this side of herself. It seemed to come out of nowhere, a rush of emotions, a quickened heart rate, shaky, jittery hands, and she couldn't quite feel her feet.
For a long time, this had been her best defence mechanism. It kept her alive for a long time at St Dominic's and before St Dominic's. Even if it had, Mary hated how it felt each and every time. She knew if she didn't stop it now, the word vomit would follow. Riri had already been subjected to that once that day, and Mary felt especially bad now,
The snapping didn't help; her emotions worsened, and she snapped, lashing out with her words in the only way she knew of to protect herself from the ache in her heart. That's the thing about the emotional part of your brain, it can't communicate with the logical side of your brain. It couldn't comprehend that lashing out at the girl in front of her would make it all worse.
"Why does it matter? Huh?" Mary's words blurted out of her, uncontrollably angry and accusatory. "Why do I matter to you? What could I possibly mean to you? You can't even stand to look at me now. You've avoided me all day, practically ignored me. You let your fucking father treat me like a maid. That's why we would never work, Riri. You guys only ever see people like me as servants and workers. Pawns you can order and control for your own gain. Pawns you can sacrifice for a win." The words flowed out of her, unintentionally telling Riri exactly what had been bugging her so much. Displaying her own weaknesses and insecurities for all to see. This was the other part Mary hated about these outbursts. She never had any control over what information she shared.
"What's stopping you from offing me in the same way you did Blake?" Mary accused, giving away her biggest insecurity in their short relationship. Riri couldn't help but question Mary, had she not made it clear already how much Mary meant to her? How could Mary not know how much Riri loved her? She had practically shouted it from the rooftop with each handcrafted bouquet she left at Mary's door. She had taught Mary the meaning of each flower, so how had the message gone so wrong? How had Mary missed the almost visceral levels of love Riri held for Mary?
"Like you betrayed your sister? Just at the whims of daddy dearest!" Mary demanded now, surging forward, clearly still inebriated slightly as she stumbled. Riri grabbed her shoulders, stopping her from stumbling and for the first time since she took off her mask, she lifted her head and met Mary's eyes.
“I am protecting my sister!” Riri growled aggressively, the fire within her flashing in her eyes and confusing Mary even more. That anger sparked the flame within Mary once more, and the yelling started for real now.
"Protecting her from what? A cushy life in some penthouse paid by your father while you run his business? Oh yeah, Kira would love that." Mary bites out, clearly not believing the other girl's motivation.
"I have to protect her from Him." The words burst out of Riri's mouth, but she's not done yet. "Have to stop her from becoming like my mother, prevent her some being stuck in a wheelchair, or some isolated hospital bed, living under another name because he felt too embarrassed to have that connected to his name. Because god forbid he ever faces consequences of his actions. To stop her from ending out six feet under in some unmarked grave that he will dangle over my head for the rest of my life."
Riri surges into Mary's space after her words, the intensity of her emotions coming out in physical actions once again. Strangely, Mary doesn't feel threatened at all, despite the other girl's actions being threatening and borderline violent. Up close now, both girls' chests healing, Mary could see them. teeny tiny cuts, old ones that had clearly scarred and faded over time.
Mary lifted her hand, barely aware of its movement, and gently touched Riri's cheek. Riri flinched in response before freezing, the memory jumping to the forefront of her brain. Kira had dropped a wine glass during an important dinner. After the party ended, Arkadi had taken both girls to his office, along with the broken glass. The two girls, barely 10, had listened as Arkadi ranted about Kira's stupidity. At the end of the rant, he had pressed the cut side of the glass against Riri's face, as if she were drinking out of the glass. Riri knew well enough not to move during punishments; it would only get worse.
Subconsciously, Riri rubbed at a deep scar on her lower back. Understanding now, Mary's heart broke for the other girl. Mary could see now why Riri was so emotionless and cold. She understood what could drive someone to murder on orders. Riri's subconscious movement made Mary realise why Riri walked with her hands clasped behind her back so often. It wasn't some polite show of control. Not as if Riri had so much power, she needed to be restrained, she did, but that wasn't the point of it. It was a subconscious coping mechanism, not dissimilar to Mary's snapping earlier.
Mary pulled Riri into her arms gently now, comfortingly 'sh'ing her in an attempt to calm her. Riri went willingly, sobbing harder now. Every few moments, she would hold her breath in an attempt to stop the sobs and pull away from Mary and act normal. Each time Mary would just shush her again and pull her back, tucking the taller girl's head under her own.
Eventually, they migrated to the bed. Riri sat down, and Mary perched on her lap, chest to chest, to afford Mary the height she needed to comfort Riri.
It was a while later when Riri's tears finally subsided and she pulled away from Mary again. Mary, allowing her for once, moved off her lap and sat a few centimetres away. Riri's hands itched to grab her again, needing the comfort and safety of Mary's arms again.
"Are you feeling okay now? I feel like we need to actually have a talk." Mary said. Riri felt her throat close in response, now extremely nervous about her outburst. She just nodded.
"Ok. I'm really sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. I was just reacting to feeling insecure about our relationship. I really wanted it to go well; I wanted your dad to like me. I wanted your family to like me. I just... ugh-" Mary struggled to get her words out. Riri just sat, still unable to speak.
"I wanted their approval, needed them to like me so that you would like me more. I couldn't stand the idea that your family would look down on me and where I come from, and that that might make you like me less. that those feelings would undermine our relationship. It felt like it could somehow cause the end of us. But instead, I caused the end of us from my insecurity alone." Mary's words rushed out of her mouth unbidden. Riri, still wordless, could only grab Mary's hand and her eyes widening in that way that Mary knew to be a resolute 'no'. Without the mask, now Mary could see how Riri's scars changed her face, how they altered the way she frowned. It was only slight, but it created an eerie vibe.
Mary's apology went on, Riri reacting to each and every statement vigorously, but never with words. slowly, Riri made her way into Mary's lap, content on being held as Mary hashed out their night in a one-sided conversation. Not long after that, they ended up with Mary's back against the pillows, half sitting, half lying, Riri curled herself around Mary's legs, resting her head on Mary's thighs. Mary's hand had migrated to her hair and was mindlessly stroking it comfortingly as she spoke.
Slowly, Mary grew annoyed with her one-sided conversation, Riri could tell, but the words were still stuck inside of her.
"Riri, you really need to speak to me about this, with actual words. You need to tell me how you're feeling so that we can work on this." Mary said, aggravation and annoyance clear in her tone, despite her attempt to sound calm and loving still.
Riri pulled away from Mary at the words, sitting up on her own again. Her mouth opened, but the words were still stuck inside. It felt like her outburst would be the last words she ever spoke. The tears started again, uncontrollable. no streaks of eyeliner or mascara this time; it had already dissipated. She could see the expectant look on Mary's face and knew she needed to respond.
Trying again, she managed to pull a few words from deep inside of her.
"I'm Sorry- I'm so Sorry, Mary" The words rushed out of her finally, but instead of being pleased, Mary's face crumpled, and Riri felt as if the ground had been ripped out from under her.
Moments later, the world went dark again. It took her a few minutes to realise what had happened, but when it did, the dam walls broke open again, allowing years and years of pent-up emotions to rush out in a garbled mess of admissions, apologies, reasons and even horrific recollections of her childhood. Mary had pulled the girl back into her, crowding her head into her chest, tucked under her own and wrapped her arms around it protectively.
Hours later, when Riri was calmer, she could appreciate the effect of being physically protected like that.