Archive of Our Own

I remember that first day I saw you on that track in Kasamatsu, my first visit along with Tracen. You were like a star, a comet that hit the track, shining brighter than the sun. 

I was awestruck by you on that day. Not just because of that inherent skill and instinct on the track that paralleled mine, but how you looked so damn gorgeous in the daylight, how it highlighted those bright, promising eyes and reflected on your ashen hair. 

That day we truly met for the first time, I thought you were more beautiful than the photos they've taken of you. You were a muse, you were my muse, even if I had called you a rival of mine.

The damn photos couldn't even capture an increment of your beauty. You are someone's magnum opus, nothing else can compare.

Then, the race.

The feeling of our cleats thundering through turf, the sun on our racewear, the crowds in our ears, they were nothing compared to you, your beautiful visage that I thought scared me but in reality my heart began beating at seeing that look in your face, the determination. 

I hoped you never showed it to anyone else but me. 

Hey, I wonder, if we met as kids, would you be my friend? I hope so, I never want to be with anyone but you, I never want to feel my heart beat for someone else but you. 

I love you too much. 

I loved you too much.

But I don't think you loved me back at all. I mean, hey, we're friends, but you had your eyes on someone else, right? Your eyes sparkle like the stars in the night sky whenever you talk about Belno to me. You loved her, didn't you?

I never expect you to return these feelings, Oguri. I'd much rather see you happy, no matter how much my chest tightened every single time I saw you smile at her, every single time I saw your tail wagging like a puppy whenever she was around. Your happiness meant more to me than anything else.

I wanted to confess to you these feelings, but I don’t think I ever would.

So I’m writing this letter for you to find one day, no matter how dense you are.

It’s getting worse, you know? This disease of mine.

Every day I cough, more petals come out, they drop onto my sheets along with the droplets of blood that soaked them, ruining their color.

But I’m sorry, I’m too much of a coward to tell you anything. I don’t want you to worry about me, I never wanted you to worry about me at all. I’m supposed to be the nurturing one, remember?

Who knew someone like me wouldn’t have the guts to tell you about some stupid shit like my feelings.

It’s not like you’ll like me back, you know? 

In the end, it’s just wishful thinking, imagining my time with you, Oguri.

I’d like to imagine us in a field back at your home, laughing, chasing each other, laying down, counting countless stars in the sky, damn well knowing that the brightest and most beautiful are the ones that shine behind your eyes.

Each night, each dream, I think about you. I think about how wonderful it would be to hold you in my arms, to brush your hair, to smell your shampoo while we curl up against each other in bed, telling sweet nothings to each other. 

I want to gaze at your beautiful face while you tell me about how lovely the food you had at the buffet we frequent was, and how training went, and how you want to train with me again one day even if we’re both retired. 

I want to see a world, a time where you’d look at me with the same love you have when you look at Belno, but I’m being too selfish for asking.

My hands shake with each letter I write down, I don’t think this disease is going to make me last long anymore.

Ah, but I think this letter would tell you everything once I’m gone.

I wish I could grow old with you, until our hands become all wrinkly and gnarled, watching the sun set together at some house somewhere in a province where it’s peaceful and quiet, saying little “I love you"s and sharing a kiss.

But I’m too scared, Oguri.

I’m a coward.

I’m a fool for thinking I ever had a chance to tell you, for thinking I still had time left before I have to go.

I had a million words to tell you, a million things to say, to make you understand that I loved you more than anything, more than the turf, more than running, more than breathing. I never wanted to admit I wanted you, and it landed me here.

I think it’s too late now, Oguri.

I feel bad, I feel like shit, knowing I put the burden of all my feelings to you in this final letter. 

I never wanted you to, and it hurts knowing that every single day I breathed, that I wrote this letter, that you’ll read this letter one day, even if I’m reaching for a hope that I know wouldn’t really come.

If there’s another side, once I’m gone, I hope you know I’m waiting for you, I’ll wait centuries for you, to see you again, and I want you to know that I never stopped loving you even if I’m gone.

Please, Oguri, live out your full life for me. That's all that I’m asking you to do.

Yours truly, 

Tamamo Cross