Chapter Text
John McNormalguy wasn't aware of what the consequences would be. After all, it was just a scam, right? What kinda idiot would put an ad on Grindr of all places for "a magical axe with an insane bloodlust"? He definitely had to see what would come in the box.
"Holy fucking shit." was the only thing he could think of for THREE DAYS after the box arrived. It WAS real. "Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit."
John looked at the fireplace. The one he never even bothered with because he didn't have any firewood. Which he didn't have because of a lack of woodcutting tools such as axes. He then looked at the axe that was probably cursed. Probably. He was willing to risk his soul for some insane shit, though. He got in his car. He set out for the forest near the end of the town. Then he realized he forgot to take the axe in his excited state so he turned back. What a great way to spend three hours.
Once he reached the forest with his axe, he wandered around, looking for a suitable tree to cut. He was hearing whispers. He elected to ignore them because: a) they were probably coming from the axe, nothing too terrible; and b) the whispers were saying stuff like "your jordans are fake" which he didn't care about. When he found a tree that looked easy enough to cut, he grabbed the axe and... every swing seemed easier, somehow. He didn't want to stop. One tree. Two trees. Hell, why stop at five? He cut so many trees that he couldn't count them. In the end, he had to call a trucker to carry all the logs he'd cut into planks, to his house.
But before he could get back in his car, he saw a strange shadow. One that seemed too tall to be human. He looked back. Nothing. He looked around. Nothing. Strange. There were trees there just moments ago, weren't there? Where was his car? Where had the sun gone? What was going on?! He was standing in the middle of nothingness all of a sudden?! ...John McNormalguy wasn't alone, however, my dear reader. He heard a whisper. It came from the axe. He listened... he closed his eyes and focused on what he could hear.
"Forest... in the... beehive... poison... allergy... cake..."
Unfortunately for John, none of it made any fucking sense. What did it even mean? A forest in a beehive somewhere, full of poison cakes someone was allergic to? No shit. What was even going on? He opened his eyes... he was back in the forest, next to his car. Huh. The axe had an eye on it. Weird. He threw it in the trunk and got in before going back home. He needed some coffee. And maybe some food.