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It’s when he felt his arms around him that the realization truly hit.
Kazuma is alive.
He’s alive and he’s here, pressed against Ryunosuke in a tight embrace and he can feel everything.
The warmth of his body, the unsteady rhythm of his breath against his ear, the beating of his heart.
His blood is flowing in his veins and he’s alive, he’s here and it’s real.
Ryunosuke’s hand moves to his partner’s chest, to feel him, feel his heart beating against his hands, to prove to him again and again that he’s alive, that he’s here, with him, where he belongs.
And yet he still can’t believe it.
He spent the last year mourning his best friend, accepting his fate and living with the hole he carved in his heart. Accepting that a part of himself was gone with him, that he’ll never feel whole again.
But the heartbeat in his hand brings him back to reality, a reality where Kazuma is alive, a reality he never thought would be his, a reality where he gets to be close to him, feel his breath, his heart, his warmth.
And he feels whole, full. Full of love, full of warmth, full of Kazuma.
Their embrace tightens, their bodies crushing each other because maybe, maybe if they hug hard enough they’ll merge, become one, and then nothing could separate them.
A stupid thought really; even if they’re not separated by death, they’ll have to part anyway, bury their feelings and dedicate themselves to another. They are both men after all, and this sort of relationship wouldn’t be proper, or allowed, or accepted.
But by god being an ostracized member of society doesn’t sound so bad when Kazuma holds him like this, like he’s the most precious thing in the world, like he’s a gift to him sent by heaven, like he belongs in his arms and Ryunosuke’s heart sinks because he could never want this with anyone else.
But he’ll have to. He’ll have to live forever with Kazuma in his mind, in his heart, in his soul, knowing he could never have him, that he shouldn’t even want him. He'll be haunted by this unattainable, forbidden fantasy, never able to escape the voice behind his ear taunting him, tempting him.
But no matter how much he’ll try, he’ll always know the truth; he is disgustingly, sickeningly in love with his best friend, his heart is rotten with this sinful desire and he can’t fight it.
Kazuma’s breathing is getting quicker. These past days have been overstimulating for him : he finally recovered his memory, learned about his father’s crimes and, worst of all, his feelings for Ryunosuke resurfaced. Terribly.
Of course, he remembered the “special” nature of their relationship, but god he didn’t remember it being THAT bad. And it’s worse now that he’s in arms, their bodies pressed against each other, his hand on his heart and he’s going to faint if they stay like this.
Only now he realizes just how much he missed Ryunosuke, how much he needed him and this realization feels like a slap in the face. He saw how empty and lonely he was without him. He didn't know who he was, didn’t remember anything from his life, and now, with Ryunosuke so close to him, it feels like he belongs here.
He’s out of breath. It’s too much for him to handle, Ryunosuke is too close to him and he doesn’t know how he’s going to survive that. He moves away slightly, just enough to see his face, and god he’s going to melt right here if Ryunosuke keeps looking at him like that, like he’s the most important thing in the world and god he would be lying if he said that it wasn’t the most delightful thing he’s seen.His grip on him is still strong, as if he was afraid that Kazuma might disappear if he let go.
A smile started forming on his lips, and Ryunosuke smiled back at him.
And they stayed like this, looking at each other, holding each other, without even saying a word.
They didn’t need to, they only needed to look, to feel.
Feel Kazuma’s hands slightly squeezing his partner’s waist. Ryunsouke’s hand on his heart, the other on his neck, slowly caressing his exposed skin. These small touches alone were enough to express the words their hearts wanted so desperately to say but couldn’t dare to, not out loud.
A silent confession of a love they know is wrong, a love they know they’ll have to give up on.
But for now, just for this moment, they’ll let themselves go, taste the love they crave so deeply and forget about the inevitable.