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Tao Jun referred to the moments where Li Pailong wasn’t conscious as “being asleep”. He couldn't remember what that felt like, but he was sure this was different.
Early on, he'd resisted the urge to return to his coffin. Even though he'd accepted his death, he’d reveled in staying up late to read newspapers or do pointless pushups through the late hours like a living person might. Eventually, though, he'd found his movements growing sluggish and his senses dim. It was then that Jun finally laid it out for him.
You may not think it, but the human brain uses up a great deal of energy just thinking. Was what she'd said, before launching into a complicated explanation of how his body operated without caloric intake. He hadn't understood much of it, but he did understand the point she was getting at: even though he was undying, and even though he couldn't feel pain, he still needed a form of rest. “Sleeping” in his coffin preserved what energy he had, meaning Jun would have to expend less mana to keep him going and could repair damage faster. It restored him, in some form.
So he'd gotten into the habit of resting within it. There was something complete about the oblivion he experienced in his coffin. Everything faded away, even his own thoughts… It was like sinking into his own body with everything beyond it shut away. Almost everything.
He didn't dream, didn't feel, and didn't really think, but he knew he was still himself, and he knew Jun’s voice. In his trance-like state he couldn't say anything to her, but he could still awaken when she called for him.
She never did, but in the darkness of his repose, absent all else, he could hear her voice.
Jun pressed her forehead to Pailong’s coffin, letting out a slow, shaky sigh. Ren had been in a bad mood and lashed out at her for her mistakes. She didn't blame him, given how complete her loss against Yoh had been, yet…
It would be so easy to put the seal back on, she murmured to him, unseen behind the lacquered wood. It'd be so much easier to fight if you'd only stayed as you were…
If Pailong had the presence of mind, it would have bothered him. Instead, Jun was met with only silence. She shook her head, letting out a hollow laugh.
…What a terrible thing to think. I can't even imagine doing that to you… It’d be like killing you all over again. I think the Tao family has done enough of that. Hah...
I just wish… I just wish we didn't have to fight at all… if we could live peacefully, if Ren didn't have to win the Shaman Fight… if you and I could…
Jun pushed herself away and shook her head. There was no point in thinking about it. With a moment to compose herself, she walked away.
“Ah, Pailong, welcome back,” Jun said, looking up at the sound of his coffin lid creaking open. He was still, eyes slowly adjusting back into vision, til he could finally see her sitting at the table nearby. She offered a quiet smile, “I’ll be heading out shortly. Are you prepared?”
“Of course.” He told her.
I’m sorry you have such a pathetic daoshi, Pailong… Jun murmured, some days later. She'd let him rest alone for hours before finding herself at his coffin again. The woman leaned against it from the side, a sigh pouring from her lips. No matter how they tried, the cooperation she sought still eluded the pair. If I were as good as my mother, you'd be able to do anything. I know how incredible you really are and yet I'm still dragging you down…
He would have liked to protest. They were a pair. He also needed to work harder, understand her will better. His master would laugh if he could see his Dao Dan Do now. His coffin remained silent, leaving Jun with no answer.
I promise I’ll keep trying. I hope we won’t have to fight, but when we do… if we do… I’ll… I’ll do better. I have to do better. I won't drag you down. Her heart still wavered, but Jun straightened none the less, leaving him behind once again.
Jun wasn't in the room when he left his coffin. He wandered until he found her in the kitchen, sipping tea and staring into the distance.
“Jun?” he said, startling her.
“Oh! Forgive me, Pailong, I didn't hear you come in…” she beckoned for him to stand closer. “You have good timing. I thought about what you said the last time we trained and I think I have some ideas about what we could do differently...”
Pailong had been desperate to protect her. Seeing the way Jun cowered before her father was enough for him to grit his teeth, but it wasn’t until the man had said “punishment” that he’d exploded. It didn’t matter that Jun screamed for him to wait. It didn’t matter that Tao En towered over him, or that he had an army of jiang-shi at his disposal. Nothing at all in this world mattered but for Jun and the way she’d shuddered, begging her father to change his mind. Nothing mattered but the fear in her eyes.
Yet no matter how his rage pushed him forward, he couldn’t stop Tao En. He would’ve sworn he’d landed blows, yet somehow the man was somewhere else in the next breath. Every kick, each punch, futile, his desperation growing with every moment. He had to save Jun. He couldn’t let them touch Jun.
Jun wasn’t fighting back. She begged for him to stop, for her father not to harm him. When his arm came off, she cried out. Then his legs were severed, and in the moment before he hit the ground, he realized his mistake. He should have run. If he’d simply grabbed her, they could’ve escaped together… he could have saved her, if only he’d…
Pailong struggled to lift what remained of his body from the ground, trying to reach out to Jun. He wanted to yell for her to escape, but the words didn't come. Every part of him felt leaden, nothing would move the way he needed it to. The last thing he saw was her pale face, mouth open as if to call to him. She took a step towards him and the sword severed his neck, plunging all into nothing.
An agonizing scream ripped from Jun’s throat and he wasn’t even permitted to hear it. She was taken from him, and then even his sense of self was gone.
I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Pailong… my Pailong… t…this is all… all my…
He couldn’t understand it. In an existence with no senses and no self, the slow return of "something" was incomprehensible. It was… it was someone. It was not him. He was himself, and this someone was outside of him. It was someone so very, very important. It was the only thing that mattered in his darkness.
I… ngh… I’m so sorry…
Jun could barely speak through her tears. She thought she’d cried all she could by the third day in the dungeon, yet somehow, cradling Pailong’s body in her lap had brought them back. She could barely see him through watering eyes, but her hand remained steady as she sewed him whole, one torn chunk of limb at a time.
It’s all my fault f-for making father angry… he did this to you because of me… p-please, forgive me for n-not keeping you safe…
It wasn’t her fault. Pailong couldn’t tell her how she had done nothing wrong. She’d tried to stop him and he had been the one to throw himself into battle. He’d made things worse. How could she blame herself? How could she cry for the one who hadn’t saved her?
I… R…ren, h-he… he says he still wants to fight. I don’t want to… I d-don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt, e-ever again… but… The last few stitches returned his head to his neck. He was whole once more, but hadn’t moved. He was so heavy and cold in her lap, only shadows in those eyes that had grown to have so much life. The talisman she’d drawn should help bring him back, but… I know how selfish I’m being… b-but… just one more time… won't you please…?
Pailong couldn’t sleep, but the removal of the seal felt like waking up. He slowly closed his eyes, then opened them again. Above him, Jun watched, biting her lip, a hand resting on his chest. Perhaps it was only a figment of her imagination that he seemed to warm at her touch.
“J…jun…”
“PAILONG!”
She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and squeezing with all her might. She shut her eyes, trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears.. He was moving. He was okay…!
In her arms, Pailong struggled to sit up, reaching to hold her close to his chest as he adjusted. Every motion was clumsy, but he could feel vitality beginning to return with each passing moment.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I let you get hurt--!” a sob threatened to escape her throat and so Jun bit her lip til it bled, desperate not to show more weakness in front of him. He only pulled her closer, crushing her against himself. She fell silent, clinging to him as if it was all she could do.
“...no… I…” His words were mechanical at first, slowly coming easier. “My… f…ault… it… it was… my fault. You… did nothing wrong. I’m… I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect you…”
Jiang-shi didn’t feel pain but the wave of shame and anger and sorrow that hit him tightened his throat as sure as agony. It was all he could do to cling to her, a pathetic, hopeless corpse.
“...I… I let you fight my father alone…” she mumbled, voice muffled by his tunic, “...if I’d supported you properly, you…”
“You would have gotten hurt.” he replied, certain of that. “It was my fault for being reckless.”
“...”
Both fell silent. Jun’s heartbeat and ragged breathing was the only sound between them. Slowly, Pailong shifted to stand, helping Jun back to her feet before they parted. She kept one hand on his arm, for balance or reassurance.
“Yoh-kun… is the one who let me out.” she said, drawing his attention, “He and his friends came all the way here to rescue Ren, despite the risks. He truly… has made a wonderful friend.
The image of the boy flashed through his mind… yes, that gentle-eyed youth with the samurai spirit who had freed him first from his bondage and then from his rage.
“...Pailong. I know what I’m asking, but…” Jun hesitated, then took a deep breath, looking up to meet his eyes, “I want to help him. All of them. They’re brave, but they don’t know how dangerous the Tao family can be…! If Ren is going to fight, then I want to fight alongside him!
“...please, Pailong… help me save them. I'll fight with you, I-I'll do everything I can, so please…”
The safest choice would be to run away. If others were fighting Tao En, then they could escape unnoticed. Ordinary jiang-shi were no match for him… if he carried her, they could run all day and night. Jun wouldn’t have to fight and she wouldn’t get hurt.
But for all that her eyes were swollen from crying, there was a determination burning in her gaze that he couldn’t deny.
“...I’ll fight,” he said, and something in her eyes lit up, “I’m your guardian spirit. Whatever you decide, I’ll be at your side. You’re sure…?”
She nodded and pulled away to wipe her eyes, then offered him a weak smile.
“...I must look like a mess… but I’m sure. I won’t give up this time. I… have the strongest martial artist and the finest jiang-shi in the world with me, so I can’t run away. I won’t.”
Pailong wanted to say something to her. He wanted to apologize for not giving her the peaceful life she had wished for. He wanted to tell her she was an excellent daoshi. He wanted to tell her he wouldn’t make her cry again. He wanted to hold her close once more. He didn’t.
“Let’s show them our power, Jun.”
She smiled, and he knew he would win. If they were both weak, they would gain strength together. And he would stand at her side, no matter what, until the day she could trust him with all of her pain and suffering.
Jun strode out of the cell and Pailong followed.