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“Is there… Is there something going on between you and Garrus?” the man before her finally managed to breathe out. Jane Shepard looked at the man who laid before her in the hospital bed. He was still bruised and she noticed that with every move he made, every bone in his body must have hurt still. She gathered herself for a moment, thinking about what she wanted to tell Kaidan. It’s not that she doesn’t care for him, no. That night before Ilos, sure, it meant something, but she had always felt that he sought too much behind it. Jane sighed, she should have been honest right there and then, that them being together was just a onetime thing.
“Kaidan… I-“ she buried her head in her hands, letting a puff of air escape from her mouth. She never finished her sentence, because he picked it up immediately.
“I can move past it, I can forgive you for cheating,” he started to explain. “I just want you to know I still care.”
Cheating?! A flash of flurry stroke in Jane’s head. Had he really just said that she cheated? She mentally composed herself as he babbled on to say something about integrity , love and honor but she had stopped listening when he placed the blame on her.
“Kaidan,” she said sternly. “Just shut up.” He stopped talking his eyes wide, expectant as if she was about to make a move. Only Jane Shepard knew that that was not going to happen. “At Horizon, I was happy to see you. Relieved even. I had worried about you. I went to Anderson and he told me that he couldn’t confide in me about you. I wanted to know where you were, so I could see you, check up on you, talk to you.” She waited for a moment to read his face. It was smiling.
“I did not know.” He said in his low husky voice.
“No, you did not,” Jane continued. “And then you blew me off, you turned me down. You were mad at me for being with the enemy, you doubted me. You still question every move I make. I even cut ties with Cerberus and on Mars, you still suspected me of being the villain. On Horizon, you never gave me a chance to explain myself. You were just blinded by hate, and at that moment that hate was for me.” Jane looked into Kaidan’s eyes, she waited for him to say something. Something foolish and so love-puppy sickly. He did not however and part of her was disappointed, because she wanted to shut him down even more. Kaidan must have seen her anger.
“So after Horizon, yes, I went to Garrus, not immediately, no. We talked.” She told him.
“I don’t think I want to hear this…” Kaidan started.
“You have no choice,” she half barked. “You sent me that message, how you went on a date, I did not want to know that either.” Kaidan fell silent, but only watched her intently. “I went to Garrus, and you know what? I don’t regret it. You know why? Because when I saw him on Omega, he did not doubt my judgment. He only asked me if I was sure about joining Cerberus, and I told him my reason. He followed me and he had my back.”
“It is unfair to say that,” Kaidan said. “Our circumstances were different.”
“Are they, Kaidan?” Jane asked. “Were our circumstances really so different? Because, I don’t think so. I asked you to join us and you shot me down hard. You never bothered to apologize at that point. No you decided to do that in a message. With such a personal touch. Yes, I went to Garrus after Horizon and we spoke. I spoke my mind to him and later we found each other before the Omega 4-Relay. You shot me down and you accuse me of cheating, but there never was anything, there was no relationship between us. It was only a night before Ilos. It meant something to me yes, and it could have been something more. My night with Garrus before the Omega 4-Relay, meant something too. I don’t regret it.”
“What are you trying to say, Shepard?” Kaidan’s voice was hard, annoyed and it sounded hurt.
“That it was the best damn decision I ever made.” Jane hissed out. She felt anger bubbling in her stomach as she stood up. Kaidan’s eyes looked soft and hurt. She couldn’t stand herself to look even longer at them. “I should go.”
“Jane,” he said softly, grabbing her by one of her wrists. “We can make this right, I know we can. Just give me a chance.” His eyes were pleading, and he looked like a starved slave begging for more food from its master. Jane Shepard was his master, she knew that all too well. Some women might enjoy that power over men. Jane however, felt otherwise. It was constricting for her, that he continued to search for her approval and love even though she just shot him down, like he did on Horizon. She wriggled her wrists away from his grasp, straightening herself. Her train of thought had made her shoulders slump, and she felt her body weakening a bit at the thought of hurting him even more. It had to be done, however. Her thoughts went to Garrus, who was waiting for her at the holding area. They had a short conversation before she visited Kaidan. Jane heard Garrus' words in hear head; "These people need you. I need you." Jane Shepard had felt the words upon her lips, but had not dared to utter them.
“Kaidan,” she sighed. “We can’t. I love him.” And with that, she left.