Chapter Text
Chuuya had always believed dream journaling was stupid, what was the point of recording your dreams, since they had no value on his life?
His opinion held even when the weird emo freshman that stuck to his side at school had shown him the weird drawings in his dream journal and told him it freed the shadows from his mind.
It had actually repulsed him to the notion even more.
Until he started having nightmares of a red god that crushed him under the weight of its aura every night.
“Akutagawa?” The boy raised his head, Chuuya nearly recoiled at the amount of white foundation and black eyeliner on his face, no wonder the kid had no friends when he looked like he crawled out of a grave.
“Yes, Chuuya?” He looked down to look at Akutagawa’s worksheet, just some very emotional analysis of ‘pride and prejudice’, nothing out of the ordinary for a literature major, he guessed since he knew absolutely nothing about literature.
Being a senior physics major didn’t mean he wasn’t adept of literature once in a while. There was no correlation between the two. His lack of interest in literature was entirely independent.
He closed the freshman’s book with a thud, “Those books you talked about, do they make dreams stop when you write them down?”
Now this wasn’t Chuuya’s first solution to get rid of his nightmares, he had taken to eating way too early, not touching screens for hours before bed, drinking chamomile tea and taking some Melatonin right before sleeping. He had no trouble with the falling asleep part, but he hoped it would knock him out enough for his mind not to produce nightmares.
It didn't work. He had even resorted to a campus witch, he quickly learned her name was Yosano and that she was a terrifying history student trying to finance her school year by selling curses and blessings. He still wasn’t sure if she had blessed him or cursed him but either way his nightmares had remained and she strictly refused to refund his 50 bucks.
He had gone to see the campus doctor, to which he had been offered sleeping pills he was pretty sure the doctor couldn’t legally give him. He might not be a law student but that doctor radiated trouble so he left empty handed.
“No, I don’t want to turn to Jesus, I’m just asking you to bless me.” A white haired boy with a truly awful haircut wearing a priest’s robe was in front of him, looking like a kicked kitten.
“Are you sure? I mean, Akutagawa brought you over to me.” The man in question was standing menacingly in the corner of the chapel like his body would burn if he got too close to anything holy. He had no idea how he got so friendly with the religious studies priest in front of him.
“Nevermind that. I need you to bless me.” He had accepted Akutagawa’s dream journal idea on the condition that he would get him a meeting with that priest boy he had the hots for. Which Akutagawa had reluctantly accepted, arranging a meeting to which he must have lied to obtain so fast because it felt like he was being recruited.
“But you’re not a follower of our lord and saviour.” The boy looked ready to cry, but he took out a weirdly shaped bowl like chalice filled with water. Did they keep that lying around?
“If this works maybe I will be.” Atsushi, whose name he knew from Akutagawa’s gushing, looked invigorated. He dipped a finger into the water and pressed it to Chuuya’s forehead in the form of a cross, indicating prayers for him to recite. He did it absent mindedly, not quite paying much attention.
He truly did hope it would work, but his expectations had been pretty low ever since he asked a witch for help of all people. If turning to god would help him pass his midterms by getting a good night’s rest, he’d do it.
In the end he left Akutagawa to fumble with his crush as he hurried to his afternoon lecture, he’d have to eat inside, his lunch break forgotten in the face of salvation from his nightmares.
His lecture had been as usual, taking notes and watching other people play minecraft in front of him. He didn't feel particularly blessed or any different than usual.
It was when he got into bed that night that the anxiety started again, he had eaten a few hours ago and had taken to doing skincare instead of scrolling on his phone, all good habits he would be glad for if it wasn’t for his constant nightmares.
“Let’s do this.” He sighed to himself, closing his eyes, the exhaustion quickly caught up to him, weeks of nightmares making the tiredness sag his bones.
He woke up in the usual place, a wide field that would soon turn to flames and ashes when the demon arrived to murder him and destroy the world of his dreams.
He always had those few moments of peace before it began, he sat on the grass, the feeling was weird against his fingers, like his brain couldn’t quite remember what grass felt like inside this place.
Nothing happened for a while and suspicion got a hold of him as he got up to walk further and further into the empty field.
That’s when he came across a man his age, sitting on the ground and looking out into the endless horizon, the grass disturbed around him.
“Who are you?” He questioned as he walked over to the man invading his dream, his skin pearly white paired with the darkest eyes to have ever existed and chestnut hair. He would have been beautiful if it wasn’t for the bandages covering most of his body.
The man’s gaze rose to meet his, his eyes so deep and full of promises, just begging for someone to fall into its depth.
“Dazai. Osamu Dazai.” He rose from his spot, his movements felt mechanical to Chuuya, like they were honed and trained to be utterly perfect. It made his instincts go off, but this was a dream and nothing could truly hurt him.
“Dazai.” He repeated, the man's voice had been smooth and now that he stood up, Chuuya could tell the other was much taller. Not like it was a hard feat to achieve.
“Do you know where the red demon is?” Dazai tilted his head, looking around the expanse of nature like a demon would materialise out of thin air.
“Size of a building, red, uses gravity, terrifying? Is he not coming tonight?” He fired off rapid questions, this man was a byproduct of his subconscious so he might be able to answer his questions. Akutagawa had mentioned something about digging deeper into oneself. He couldn’t believe he was listening to Akutagawa’s words of all people, but desperate times had called for desperate measures and he wasn’t above this.
The man shook his head after another perfunctory look around. “Nothing like that around.”
He held himself weirdly, Chuuya noticed. While most people had a slight slouch forward and a select few had a perfect posture, this man seemed to be slouching backwards. Like he had a heavy backpack resting there of which Chuuya could see he didn’t.
“Did you make him disappear?” He questioned his handsome alter ego.
“Do I look capable of doing that?” All things considered, the man looked pretty slim despite his height, no muscles showing and thin shoulders.
“I mean…” He didn’t quite want to insult his subconscious, he had never thought of himself as so self deprecating but apparently he had been wrong.
“I guess he’s gonna arrive soon.” He didn’t bother looking around or fleeing anymore, either the monster always found him and crushed him into nothing until he woke up in a cold sweat. It never hurt, on account of being a dream, but he felt everything except the pain.
The worst part was that this nightmare always happened early, so he always woke up after an hour of sleep, unable to fall back under.
“Maybe.” He didn’t think it would be this awkward talking to his subconscious, Chuuya prided himself for being pretty sociable.
“Yeah.” Dazai nodded back at him, Chuuya felt the urge to shuffle on his feet, but Dazai’s immobile posture made it feel like showing nervousness would be a sign of weakness.
He just decided to walk away, this wasn’t worth the hassle, the only good thing is that the demon still wasn’t there but he didn’t quite fancy seeing his subconscious be crushed into nothingness when he did show up.
The man watched him go, quiet with somber eyes. Chuuya didn’t want to decipher it.
He didn’t have the time anyway because the minute he got too far away from the man, the demon showed up, repeating the usual nightmare until he woke up sweaty with tears down his cheek, lips quivering and hands shaking.
He didn’t tell Akutagawa about it, because he would probably try to decipher what it meant in some way.
He did heed his word, though.
Dear journal, tonight I dreamt of a boy with the darkest eyes existing and bandages covering most of his body, he looked nothing like the red demon that crushes me in my nightmares.
He looked sad.
It felt good enough, he didn’t want to write a long winded text describing the man or the demon, he just wanted to get to the point in case a future grandchild found it and assumed his grandfather was crazy.
He put it to the back of his mind for the day, thinking about it would get him nowhere in the end.
“Whats got you so down, big man?” Tachihara questioned, a junior classmate of his he had more or less befriended as a byproduct of mentoring him in physics.
Higuchi trailed behind the other ginger, looking around timidly.
“Nightmares again?” She questioned him, she was a common friend of Akutagawa and Tachihara, he had no idea how such a sweet girl had ended up with those absolute menaces.
“Something like that, yes.” His head was slumped on the library table, he had opened his book, looked at the content and decided to take a pre-study nap. He rarely if ever got nightmares during the day, so that’s when he had taken to catching up on work.
Tachihara slapped his back enthusiastically, Chuuya gave a shaky smile, trying to go for reassurance instead of the ‘bone weary exhaustion’ he actually felt.
“I’m sure it’ll work itself out! Probably some stress from working so much.” He actually worked an average amount, around as much as his other classmates but he didn’t want to scare Tachihara out of the major. He’d figure it out in his own time.
“I sure hope so man, my midterms are coming up in a month and I can’t afford to fail, I don’t have the time to retake them in the summer.” He had plans to go see his family this summer, but he couldn't cancel just because he didn’t sleep well enough to pass his midterms with a clear mind.
They exchanged pleasantries for some time, chatting about their classes and setting up Tachihara’s next tutoring session, they were only separated when Tachihara realised he was 20 minutes late to one of his mandatory classes and ran out of the library, Higuchi following after him and apologizing to the students staring at them.
In the end he didn’t study for the rest of the day, looking up obscure sleeping methods on deleted blogs from 2015 until 2am.
His bed had started looking very inviting after watching 5 ‘very human’ videos, which he actually started considering building until he caught himself and realised he really needed the rest.
He ‘woke’ up in the usual field, not a soul in sight once more.
His feet started walking on their own, a whisper at the back of his mind wondering if the man from last time was still present somewhere in the grass.
His mind seemed to clear up from the fog inherent to dreams the closer he got to a certain point in the horizon, the feeling so sweet he couldn’t help heading towards it.
“It’s you.” A deep voice rang out from the grass, Chuuya’s eyes slowly drifted towards it, the fog of dreams had unbeknownst to him shifted to a pleasant hum in his ears.
A rough hand landed on his shoulder and shook him roughly, Chuuya felt his ears ringing in protest.
“Snap out of it will you.” He focused back to a furrowed brow peering down at him, the other hidden behind bandages.
“Dazai.” He whispered, he hadn’t even realised his consciousness had drifted until the man was there to snap him out of it. Maybe he was some sort of guardian angel.
“I am.” Chuuya belatedly realised Dazai hadn’t yet stepped back, still hovering over him.
“What?” Dazai’s face was so close, even in this dreamland he couldn’t manage to focus, he was a single gay man, for fucks sake, his brain should cut him some slack with handsome men in close proximity.
Dazai pulled back slightly, a warm tint to his cheek Chuuya really wanted to bite into.
“..Guardian angel.” Huh. He was pretty sure he hadn’t said that thought aloud.
“A guardian angel?” The other nodded, Chuuya looked behind Dazai, but there were no wings.
“That’s stereotypical.” Dazai admonished him, his hand reaching for his shoulder blade, where wings would sprout from if he had any.
Chuuya nodded along with his words, still feeling very out of it as he walked away from the angel or whatever he was.
“Wait-”
He didn't want this man getting killed inside his dream.
Once more, after a few thousand steps, a being that looked like nothing he had ever seen before made itself known, destroyed the beautiful grass before stopping in front of Chuuya, bending down to look at the small human.
He couldn’t help the trembling of his limbs, he felt his bones break inside his body, the warm blood dripping from his lips and throat, the loss of sensation in the bottom half of his body.
Journal, I met the man from the dreams again, he claims to be an angel, his beauty certainly rivals one.
I wish to take his bandages off, but I think if I took the time, the red demon might get the both of us.
“You look like death.” He turned from his wall staring activity to be met with the witch from a week ago.
“Here to return my money?” She scrunched her nose up at him, wrinkling her long black skirt as she stepped over his bag, he had hoped it would stop people from trying to sit at his table as he mellowed in his melancholy.
“Of course not, I’m not that bad a business woman.” Chuuya took a sip of his water as he tried to trip her while she sat. She stepped onto his foot in retaliation.
“You should go into law, suck the life out of a few poor souls.” She smiled at him. He wanted to knock it off of her and get his money back on his own. He really couldn’t afford the lawsuit she would undoubtedly throw at him, taking all his money and cackling at his misery like the witch she was.
“I’m not that crazy.” Her foot was still firmly planted on his own as she sat down, digging her short heel into it one last time before moving it away.
“That seat is taken.” Akutagawa was eating with his priest boy and Higuchi had taken Tachihara to stalk them so he did not, in fact, have someone to occupy this seat. He was very busy nonetheless.
“Yes, by me.” She stole a cold fry from his plate, he wasn’t hungry enough to fight her for it, even on principle.
“..” If he ignored her long enough, she’d go away, like bored spirits and children.
“I heard from your emo friend that my blessing didn’t help.”
“Yes. I also told you that, give me back my money.” Maybe she had finally grown a conscience when Akutagawa told her about his suffering.
“No.” Great.
“Why are you even here, then?”
“Well, I don’t want you to tarnish my image by going around telling all the sad emo people around campus I’m a fake witch. They’re my primary clientele.” He wouldn’t tell her his only slightly alternative friend was Akutagawa and it was only because the junior followed him around like a duckling.
“So you will give me my money back?” Those 50 bucks could buy him a mini cast iron anvil to knock him out for a good night sleep.
“No, I’m offering you an exchange service.” She took out some vials from her white coat, laying them out on the cafeteria table.
“I don’t want to buy poison from a history student.” Maybe he would consider it from a chemical engineering major, if he needed some, which he didn’t.
“Of course not, these are potions, have your pick.”
She gestured at a pink vial “That’s a love potion” That sounded illegal.
A slightly yellow tinted one “A curse potion.” He did not want to know what was in there.
A deep blue one “That one makes your enemy lose hair.” He was pretty sure that one was an actual chemical concoction.
An orange one “And that one makes you prettier.” Chuuya was content with his looks.
“What about that one?” He picked up a vial with a transparent liquid, “That’s vodka.” She took it out of his hand and downed it in a few seconds, barely making a face. That wasn’t the weirdest thing he had seen in his last three years of university, it didn’t even make the top 10.
“I don’t need these things.” He pushed away the orange vial she had slowly been inching towards him with her nail.
“Yes you do, everyone needs something from a witch.” She glared at him, digging her nail into his hand.
“I need sleep.” Her eyes darkened for long enough that he thought she would pour all the liquids down his throat. He was pretty sure the yellow one was bleach.
“No can do, your soul is cursed by some evil demon.” She waved her hand at his entire body, her speech would have been slightly believable if she hadn’t yawned in the middle of it and lost her train of thought for a few seconds.
“Well you’re a witch, drive the demon away or whatever.” Honestly, if an actual priest couldn’t do it, he didn’t quite believe an etsy witch could. He had seen her etsy business cards, she wouldn’t fool him.
“It is already in progress. Exert patience.” She was using informal speech and he just knew she was trying to hide her lack of arguments.
“Whatever then, just leave me alone.” He wanted to catch up on some sleep over lunch time, and she was taking that away from him with her dyed waters.
She finally relented. “This isn’t over.” She muttered, taking his plate of fries with her, he added that to the growing list of things she owned him. Money, sleep, fries, soon enough she would truly be in his debt.
“Do you ever move from here?” He asked the man next to him, his bandages were still firm on his arms, like they were a part of his skin.
“I do.” He wondered how far his unconscious could go, considering some people dreamt years of life in a single night, he could guess quite far.
“Where do you go then? Some dark scary place until I dream again?” He sat in front of him, the man brows furrowed into a frown.
“I return to heaven.”
“Right, because you’re a guardian angel.”
“Yes.” Dazai deadpanned and Chuuya might have believed it if this wasn’t a dreamland where giant cheese wouldn’t be uncommon if he could dream of anything other than the prairie.
Chuuya had been dreaming of him every night since his first appearance two weeks, he never appeared close by, but Chuuya always managed to find him nonetheless.
“Why is a guardian angel watching over me?” He had taken to asking anything that passed through his mind, he repeated himself a lot at first, which Dazai had remarked a few times so he had taken to writing down the questions he had and their answers in his dream journal.
“You asked for it.” Was it the witch? Or Akutagawa’s boy? Or maybe it was just his good habits augmenting his karma so much he got an angel of his own. If that was how it worked.
“It is not.” He also realised that his words would sometimes slip out of his mouth unbidden, probably a biproduct of being inside his own mind and lacking a clear filter between his thoughts and voice.
A shiver ran down his spine and Chuuya knew it was time, the demon would soon wreak havock upon this place, his fingers started shaking in apprehension, he had taken to avoiding anything red nowadays, the reminder of the demon too painful for his exhausted mind.
“You don’t have to go to him.” Dazai had started trying to stop him from going to his doom, “You’ll wake up on your own eventually” but Dazai was his unconscious, he couldn’t understand that Chuuya didn’t wish for him to be killed in front of his very eyes.
“I have to.” Dazai never truly stopped him, just asked for him to stay.
“I can protect you.” Dazai got up from the grass after Chuuya, but he didn’t move. “You just need to stay.” He wasn’t begging, his face was set and determined. Chuuya wondered what he would sound like begging.
Not the time.
“You can’t understand.” Chuuya reached a hand to touch Dazai’s face, right where the bandages laid but Dazai moved his head to the side, only letting Chuuya touch the exposed part of him.
“You think I am a fool, Chuuya. I may not be as aged and as knowledgable as I will be but I am capable.” It didn’t feel self deprecating like it would sound said by most people, on the other hand it sounded haughty, like Dazai truly believed it was only a matter of time for him to be considered erudite.
“You can’t win against a nightmare.” He knew that very well, he had tried to fight the first few times, but it had been purely futile.
“I can’t, that’s true, but he can’t hurt you if I’m here.” It felt like he was missing something, it always did in this dream.
“Why?” He took a few steps towards Dazai, he could feel his anger rising, he had been calm in this dreamscape, fighting the anger issues he had in real life with no one to rile him up. Feeling like he was being belittled, like some scrawny beanpole could protect him from a demon that could reach the sun, paired with the mental instability he had been facing these past few weeks.
“Well demons can’t approach angels.” Dazai face was as emotionless as usual, except for the occasional furrow of his brows, his face was always impassive. It ticked Chuuya off to no end.
“You’re not an angel, you’re just a damn creation of my brain because I’m going half crazy from lack of sleep!” He yelled out, in this place there were no lungs to stop his tirade.
“I don’t know why you’re here, because I don’t need you! I just need those damn dreams to stop!” He pushed a finger to Dazai’s chest to accentuate his words, trying to push him away as much as showing how angry he was.
“You do need me.” The man argued back, standing tall and tone bordering on emotional. “You begged the gods for me!”
“I asked a stupid priest to bless me on the hope it would make my brain stop creating those nightmares! I don’t care about your god!”
“It won’t work, you’re being haunted by a demon.” Dazai’s tone was still rising, but unlike Chhuuya’s full blown yelling, he didn’t seem to have reached a point beyond reason.
“Demons don’t exist! Neither do angels or gods!”
“I don’t care what you believe Chuuya! My purpose is to protect you.”
“Well I don’t need you.”
And for the first time in a long time, he woke up with the sun in the sky. Feeling worse than he had from the exhaustion.
Journal. I do not regret my actions, but I still wish to see the man of my dreams again.
Is that selfish of me? Why am I telling a journal that He was beautiful with his emotions on his sculpted face.
I didn’t dream of the red demon tonight.