Archive of Our Own

Change. A word that seemed to ring in Matt’s head constantly. A disembodied voice, a reminder of how he could never quite keep up with his own surroundings.

Sure, he loved the touring, the shows, the minor success Hum had gotten from their single Stars, but even since the band’s performance on Howard Stern he’s been feeling… off. Like everything’s falling into place too perfectly. Like yeah this was their big break… but then what? Matt couldn’t do this band thing forever, he knew that, but what if he got stuck doing that? In a toss-up between bandmates and record labels, just trying to keep his head afloat… because that’s how it always went. Matt had gotten so in on his head with all this that he barely spoke now. Not even with his own bandmates. It drew concern of course, especially from Bryan who was always seen with a sympathetic look in his eyes—almost like he was about to cry. He never confronted Matt, though… probably thinking it would just make things worse.

~~~

It was a Saturday night and Hum had finished yet another eruptive show. They took a break backstage, Bryan and Jeff chatted with some of the venue staff, they packed their stuff, got in the van… it was all very routine. Except for the fact that tonight they didn’t have to sleep in the van. Their record label was able to squander enough money to pay for a hotel! Something the band was very much excited about.

“No more dealing with your foot poking me in the eye, huh?” Tim teased with his signature innocent smile. A short arm coming to wrap around Matt’s shoulders. He shivered, his reply coming out no louder than a whisper.

“Yeah… it’s nice…” he spoke, monotonous and unenthusiastic. He knew if Tim asked why he was so drab, he could just say he was tired. It was his signature excuse. To be fair, singing and whipping your head around while chugging at your guitar for an hour was pretty tiring. Even taking this into consideration, Tim was still suspicious.

“You’ve been so mopey recently, what’s with that?” he asked, showing genuine concern in his dark brown eyes that usually reflected a childlike innocence. Matt’s mouth went dry— like all his saliva suddenly evaporated. He avoided eye contact while trying his best to make up something.

“Touring gets tiring. Yaknow?” he answered, trying his best to seem indifferent and like his heartbeat wasn’t skyrocketing.

“Oh cmon…you say that every time.” Tim rolled his eyes, unconvinced by his bandmate’s front.

“I promise”. Matt put on a more bold voice. “I’m fine”.

~~~~

It was around midnight when the band had finally settled down in their hotel. Bags consisting of snacks, toothbrushes, and a change of clothes lined the floors. They’d figured out who would sleep with who on the way there—Matt and Tim on one bed and Bryan and Jeff on the other. Though they were all in one hotel room they technically had two rooms—a wall separating the two beds so they just had to share a bathroom.

“Sweet! I don’t have to hear Bryan’s snoring!” Tim cheered, hopping right onto him and Matt’s bed for the night, wrapping himself in the cold sheets. Just what he needed. Matt watched on in amusement, smirking to himself. It was the most content he’d felt in forever. Maybe things were getting better. He soon climbed in beside Tim, letting the sheets swallow him whole.

It didn’t take long for silence to fall over the room. Tim was sleeping like a baby and Matt assumed the same went for Jeff and Bryan. He, however, was wide awake. Staring at the ceiling like he expected something to change. It never did. The same depressing beige stared back at him until he tried his best to close his eyes and drift to sleep.

Matt had issues with insomnia in the past, a fact which all of his bandmates knew, yet he swore it was over with now… but now it seemed like he was losing control again.

Matt could feel the room around him spinning even when he closed his eyes. Although he didn’t want to be a disturbance, he really really felt like throwing up. So with that, he silently rushed to the bathroom and hung his head over the toilet bowl. As the young man gagged, he couldn’t help but whimper and cry under his breath despite his best efforts to keep himself together. No amount of vaguely poetic lyrics or pained screams or chugging of guitar strings could convey the way his heart squeezed in his chest like some greater force had its hands on it. That’s when he heard something. Footsteps.

No… nonononono… anything but this. The only thing that could possibly make this all worse was if one of them knew. He had no time to think, however, because before he could get up to leave, a hand held him in his place.

“Matt?” A familiarly friendly voice called out. He seemed so far away in the vast darkness of the night, but he knew it was Bryan. “What’s goin’ on?” Even though it was quite dark, he could still make out his worried expression.

“Maybe… I think I’m-“ Matt couldn’t think of any good excuses now as all his previous ones were catching up to him, manifesting in tears which were now falling down his rosy cheeks.

“I knew something was wrong…” Bryan sighed, thinking pensively before sitting down from his kneeling position. “You’re so quiet now…”

“I’m just goin through a lot… in my head… I guess”. Matt’s voice was small and mouse-like. He bit his lip to try and stop the waterworks, but both of them knew it wasn’t going to work.

“You can’t sleep, right?” .

Matt suddenly felt his shoulders tense up “...yeah…”

“You should’ve told me… you know i’m always here for you man”.

“Are you?” the night air was so cool around them, almost as cold as Matt’s words in that moment. They came out a lot angrier than he intended. Fortunately, Bryan understood he didn’t mean it that way. The older man turned on the bathroom light before scooting closer to Matt, bringing a calloused hand to his face. He looked like a completely different person without his glasses… but equally as adorable.

“You know I'd never leave you to suffer. None of you.” Bryan spoke sincerely as he wiped some of Matt’s tears with his thumb. He looked so small in that moment especially compared to the older, taller, brawnier man holding him. Matt so desperately wanted to speak, speak his mind about everything that had ever gone wrong in his life… but he couldn’t. Not when his whole body felt like it was being pricked by a bunch of tiny needles. He soon collapsed into Bryan who immediately wrapped his muscular drummer's arms around the still shivering blond-haired boy.

Matt was able to pick his head up off his chest, though it felt like his head weighed a thousand pounds “I’m sorry I-“.

“You have nothing to apologize for…” Bryan whispered, a hand placed upon Matt’s dirty blond hair which had grown quite exponentially over the tour.

“Talking…” Matt began speaking again “is hard for me”.

Bryan laughed a little, not in a mocking way, but in a isnt it like that for all of us way. “That’s why you’re such a good songwriter. That’s how you get your feelings out, hm?”

Matt nodded. “It’s strange. Singing these songs that come from so much personal shit in front of all these people…its like-”

“Like a stranger reading your diary.”

Matt cracked a tiny smile at his bandmate’s response “Exactly”.

“So why didn’t you tell anyone? That you were still struggling with your insomnia?”
The room fell silent, Matt balling Bryan’s shirt in his fist before responding, holding back tears “I… didn’t want to be a burden. I know you guys have been having a hard time too… I-” Bryan cut him off again.

“What do you need from me?”

Matt’s head rose from the man’s chest “what?”

“I want to help you feel better”.

Wow… what a complicated question. Though simple in theory, in Matt’s mind it was like solving a formula but every variable was unknown. Matt always liked to view things in a scientific way, in this moment his hypothesis was “what answer could I give that would provide the least amount of questions from the subject?” a hypothesis that would prove difficult to answer as he knew Bryan would pry him no matter what. Darn you, basic human empathy!

“Matt… look at me”. *Even saying nothing earns a reaction. Noted.*

“Can I sleep with you next time?”

Bryan smiles, the fluorescent bathroom lights overhead making his teeth shine like pearls. “How about we sleep together tonight?”

Matt had learned over his 20-something years on this earth that smiles were about as contagious as the flu, especially when it came to Bryan’s. A side smile crossed his lips upon seeing his—a smile Bryan had missed seeing. The only times he’d really smiled over the past few months were awkward side smirks while an interviewer was asking a question or when Tim said or did something dumb.

“We’ll talk more tomorrow… you think you can sleep now?”

“Maybe… I won’t promise anything.”

Bryan’s smile widened at his answer “do promise me one thing”. Matt’s eyes widened. “Please… flush that puke down the toilet”.

~~~~

It was a few minutes later and Bryan was able to convince Jeff in his half-asleep daze to move beds. He didn’t usually ask many questions so it was a hell of a lot easier than asking Tim to move. Once they finally plopped themselves down, Bryan was quick to pull the duvet over them. The fluffy cloud of fabric swallowed them while Matt simultaneously shifted closer to the older man. “For warmth” he spoke, a more vague way of saying no homo.