Chapter Text
Tubbo: You know what bothers me? Bats. Why can bats fly?
Tommy: Not again!
Tubbo: No. Seriously, who gave them the right? They're mammals! Mammals walk on land, no exceptions.
Ranboo: Just wait until you hear about whales.
Tubbo: What now?
(Tubbo’s thoughts consist of 50% anxiety, 30% absolute lunatic-levels of wisdom and 20% shower thoughts)
Tubbo: I think my guardian angel drinks.
Tommy: You know me, Ranboo, I don’t take any shit. You know what I say to my haters?
Ranboo: What?
Tommy: I say: “Please don’t hate me, I’m really nice.”
Tubbo: It never works.
Ranboo: Do you feel any better?
Tubbo: I feel much better now that you here with me.
*Tommy walks in*
Tubbo: I feel half better.
Tubbo: A sprite is anything not static.
Ranboo: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Tommy: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Tommy: You god damn geekass bastards.
*at a zoo*
Tubbo: What are they in for?
Ranboo: Tubbo, this isn't prison.
Tubbo: So they can leave?
Ranboo: No, but-
Tubbo, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.
(It works with both Ranboo and Tommy. I think the main difference would be Tommy would be like “yeah, I bet that other one committed tax fraud” right from the beginning and Ranboo would be like “oh wait, damn you’re right. Im going to have a mental breakdown now!”)
Ranboo: I’m doing what I can to jog your memory.
Tubbo: It’s jogging, I guess. Its tiddies are jiggling a little.
Tommy: Nice.
Ranboo, knocking on the door: Tubbo, open up!
Tubbo: It all started when I was a kid.
Ranboo: That’s not what I-
Tommy: Let them finish!
Tommy: WHY. why did you give Ranboo a KNIFE?!
Tubbo: I’m sorry. He said he felt unsafe.
Tommy: Now I feel unsafe!
Tubbo: I’m sorry.
Tubbo: ... would you like a knife?
(Tommy’s the only one with a stable family)
Tubbo: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Ranboo: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Tommy: Smad.
Tubbo: What do you think Tommy will do for a distraction?
Ranboo: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*
Ranboo: ... or he could do that.
Tubbo: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.
Ranboo, amazed: Wow...
Tommy, to Ranboo: Well what does that mean?
Ranboo: I don't know.
Ranboo, to Tubbo: What does that mean?
Ranboo: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it
Tommy: Just rip the bandage off.
Ranboo: It’s Tubbo.
Tommy: Put the bandage back on.
Tubbo: *looks around, hoping nobody sees him* It's time for the cheese sacrifice.
Tommy: *grabs a wheel of parmesan cheese and places it on a table* Let's do it…
Ranboo: *turns on the bathroom light* what the fuck are you two doing
Tommy, texting Tubbo: Tubbo! Help I’m being kidnapped
Tubbo: Where are you?
Tommy: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help.
Tubbo: I’ll call Ranboo.
Ranboo, answering his cell: Y’ello?
Tubbo: Where’s Tommy? He texted me that he was being kidnapped.
Ranboo: Tommy? Whaddya mean, he’s right next to me-
Ranboo:
Ranboo: I’ll call you back. *hangs up*
Ranboo: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD!
Tommy: WHO ARE YOU?!
Tubbo: We need a distraction.
Ranboo: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Tommy, whispering: My time has come
Tubbo: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?
Tommy: How am I supposed to know?
Ranboo: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.
Tommy: *sighs*
Tommy: You wouldn't be trapped.
(Messenger boy has a lot of random, niche knowledge)
Tubbo: I love you so much, my dry peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Ranboo: I love you too, my dead phone with a broken charger
Tommy: i'm a communist
Ranboo, driving Tubbo and Tommy: So how was your day?
Tubbo: We almost got surprise adopted!
Ranboo: What?
Tommy: We almost got kidnapped.
Ranboo: Oh, okay.
Ranboo: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!