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No one wants to be here. It’s a private all boy catholic high school in the middle of the Japanese countryside. Nicholas especially doesn’t want to be here. He had came out as gay when he was 13 to little fanfare. Neither of his parents cared but they also didn’t not care. Catholic school was almost some type of compromise. There was a uniform that clung far too much to his growing frame but with that came conformity. Everyone knew Nicholas was gay and apparently no one else was. He found that hard to believe.
At the start of his final year his body had become more muscular and he had almost fully grown into himself and so had every other boy in the school. Nicholas wasn’t really the type for a crush but Euijoo was undeniably attractive.
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Byun Euijoo was seemingly the only person who enjoyed school and he especially loved St Elvis boys school. He was smart and a natural leader making him the perfect class president for all three years. The role meant he stood in front of everyone everyday and not once had he seen the way Nicholas looked at him.
Euijoo would refer to him as Yixiang despite being told numerous times he preferred Nicholas and he would complain about it but wouldn’t be really annoyed. Euijoo had that effect on Nicholas, something close to a crush but he ignored it. Class president, top of the class Byun Euijoo didn’t have time for a crush - especially not one coming from a boy.
Nicholas had no indication that Euijoo was even gay.
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Over the summer one thing had changed and Nicholas noticed it straight away, Euijoo had started to work out and had much more significantly got a prescription. Now he looked as smart as he was. In fact glasses seemed to have been the trend over the summer as now everyone in the school was wearing them making Nicholas’ life very difficult. Stuck with hundreds of boys who were just his type. Only one of them greeted him on the first morning back.
‘Did you do the english work?’ Euijoo asked whilst pushing Nicholas’s feet off the desk. This is the only thing Euijoo ever wanted from Nicholas, help with english homework, because while he was top of the class in grades there was one he couldn’t improve and that was english, Nicholas was proud that Euijoo always went to him. He handed Euijoo the paper and talked him through the answers.
This was the closest he ever got to the other meaning he could smell the sweet undertones of Eujoo’s cologne and see the slight brown tint to his otherwise black hair. Nicholas looked at Euijoo’s lips as they pouted in concentration, he bit them slightly when there was something he didn’t understand and pushed up his glasses. Nicholas had stopped paying attention to anything else, stuck in a trance. The summer had done wonders to his feelings for Euijoo. Feelings the other would never know about.
‘Thank you, and keep your legs off the desk’ he said to Nicholas as he walked away to put his things at his own desk at the front of the room, right next to the teachers. Nicholas hummed but as soon as Euijoo got to his seat his feet were back on the desk. Both boys knew this would happen, it happened everyday. Nicholas pushed and Eujoo always pulled back.
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The air in April was the perfect balance of cool and warm meaning outside shorts were the preferred option for physical education. The class was split between basketball and running - most of the class chose the former but Euijoo chose running. Nicholas, who was usually good at basketball, had no chance of concentrating. The P.E shots fit well on Euijoo’s newly built thighs. And Nicholas started to notice him in a way that was more than a simple school boy crush, he wanted Euijoo in a way he shouldn’t.
Euijoo was simple, clean, and perfect - he would settle down and have a family one day while Nicholas wouldn’t he would always be the black sheep of his family despite how much they tried to convince him otherwise. And the wanting of someone else not only made him upset but also angry in a way that could make him burst into tears of frustration. Nicholas was proud of himself until he remembered he was different to what everyone else was and he couldn’t desire in the same way. He couldn’t want anything from Euijoo that the other could return but he knew he couldn't let it go.
Nobody knows anything about Euijoo, not really. People know he is from Korea, has an older sister, and that he's a big fan of ponyo. None of these things really mattered, not even the last one which Nicholas always found cute after people saw the plush in his room. No one knew what made Euijoo tick and seemingly the only thing that made him angry was Nicholas. There was a wall around Euijoo and no one had ever tried to break it down. Nicholas wasn’t an explorer but he wanted to learn everything about Euijoo or at least everything the others wanted to tell him.
Nicholas liked that he was unknown. People knew of him, everyone knew his name but no one really knew him. He was just the gay guy and he wasn’t perceived beyond that. His naturally icy glare probably contributed to that. He was soft but his warm smile was reserved especially for Euijoo but the younger never even notice.
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During first year NIcholas was all teenage angst and uncertainty. He was so unsure of what everyone thought of him dancing around people like it was a sport. He was unapologetically himself at first, people knew everything about him and it only hurt him. People would pray for his homosexuality to go away and it made him shout and scream at everyone making the torment worse so in the end he started to ignore them. People still probably did those things like when they changed away from Nicholas in the changing rooms he pretended it didn’t bother him, but it did. Euijoo was the only person he ever looked forward to talking to.
Everyone thought Nicholas was angry, short tempered and emotional but really he was smart and gentle. Everyone thought the lines Nicholas and Euijoo are on were parallel lines never to meet and make all the difference but they were always destined to intersect. Nicholas was terrified of what would happen at the epicentre of the collision.
He started to carry around an air of certainty as he got older, people thought he was knowledgeable and experienced when in reality he was just as innocent as he thought Euijoo to be. That fake bravado could be played to his advantage.
So he kept looking for way too long in ways that felt widely inappropriate but Euijoo never met his eyes for more than a second. Inside Nicholas’ heart was beating fast, he was terrified that one day Euijoo would look at him, tell him to stop and never talk to him again, so he looked in a way that told intrigue. No one had to know.
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The class before lunch was always the worst. Just before the bell rang Euijoo always made an announcement but there was something different about the way he delivered it on this specific friday. It was rushed. Euijoo was never unprepared and he was never flustered. But there was something he had to do seconds before the classroom emptied that he had only just mustered up the courage to do. Half way through his announcement he looked up in the direction of a pair of eyes that were always on him. Nicholas didn’t look away. For the first time either did Euijoo. For someone who was always prepared, he didn’t know what any of this meant. He liked the way Nicholas looked at him; it made him feel like there was someone who saw him.
As the bell rang Euijoo, who was usually slow to wrap up his announcements, today almost abruptly he made a beeline for one person’s desk. The desk in question was in the back corner of the room but despite the fact Nicolas was always asleep by the end of the announcement today he was nowhere to be seen. Euijoo stopped in his tracks because he couldn’t believe his foolproof plan based on Nicholas keeping to a routine of three years had failed. He failed at very little and getting Nicholas’ attention wasn’t usually one of them.
Nicholas was a creature of habit, at least he wanted Euijoo to think he was a creature of habit. The other boy was organised and meticulous while Nicholas was more of a free spirit but he wanted Euijoo to know exactly what to expect from him, he wanted to be someone the other could want and rely on. Their relationship was almost entirely based on playing off what set the other off - untidiness and tardiness. To get Euijoo’s attention he always slept by the end of his announcement except every time he was wide awake desperate to hear everything the other was saying. Euijoo had a way with words - his voice was soft with a honey like warmth to it but it had a firmness to it that made everyone listen. Euijoo knew how to both command attention and shy away from it - how to hide in the shadows of how he presented himself. Nicholas was the exact same - so he ran. As soon as he saw Euijoo look in his direction with a mission he ran afraid of what the conversation would bring - Nicholas wasn’t prepared for either rejection or acceptance; both were so foreign to him. His relationship with Euijoo had never been defined as friends - they just fell into it, there was no pressure that way. Nicholas felt pressure in the way Euijoo looked back at him, so he did the thing he was never very good at - looking away.
The two boys were like circles, in some way or another always coming back to each other. Except at the time they actively sought each other out. They were almost circles by accident bent into shape over time from their original distant lines. If Nicholas was somewhere unknowingly so would Euijoo but when the younger finally wanted the older’s attention he was nowhere to be found.
Every time Euijoo tried to approach Nicholas something stopped him. The first time it was Nicholas just not being where he was supposed to be, not doing what he was always doing. Euijoo thought the other was avoiding him but he persisted on his quest. The second time the bell disrupted him and for once Nicholas seemed eager to go to class - it was a math class, not something the other was known to excel in or known to be excited about. The third time it was Euijoo who was stopped. In the build up of such big emotions and feelings he had forgotten his role as class president with the best grades and people expected things off him - they always did. But in the span of two days when he was getting steps closer to Nicholas to finally say everything he wanted to a classmate stopped him at every opportunity.
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It was the next week before the first real opportunity to approach Nicholas appeared to Euijoo. It came in the form of an F on the latest english assignment. Euijoo at first panicked because he had never failed anything in his life but that disappointment was put aside in favour of focusing on the opportunity that was being presented to him. There was one person who could help him get his grade up - and he wouldn’t say no.
Nicholas liked to appear unbothered but Euijoo knew that he was proud of himself for his grades and that he worked hard for them - he wanted to be reliable. So Euijoo would use what he knew to be the other’s weakness to get close enough to admit his blossoming feelings.
There was a piece of paper put on Nicholas’s desk that was definitely not his, he looked around confused wondering who it belonged to but then felt the presence of someone tall beside him. Euijoo was standing a step behind Nicholas’ desk with an awkward air about him. Nicholas couldn’t decide if this was a continuation of the game of hide and seek Euijoo had forced him into or if it was a genuine cry for help. Euijoo’s unsure stance and uncertain posture indicated it was the latter. Nicholas raised his eyebrows in question, wanting Euijoo to ask him for help, taking the pleasure in teasing him one more time before he helped him - which he would do either way.
‘Can you help me with my english?’ Euijoo almost whispers not wanting to announce to the class that he was failing a subject so badly to have to ask Nicholas for help. Nicholas wasn’t known for his work ethic despite getting good grades and he was reluctant to help anyone except Euijoo. Instead of a verbal response Nicholas moved out of his seat allowing Euijoo to sit down. His posture was still slouched while Euijoo sat with almost perfect posture. Their usual back and forth was absent. Within the awkward silence, Nicholas noticed that Euijoo wasn’t wearing his glasses anymore.
‘I thought you needed glasses now?’ he asked both trying to strike up a conversation and out of genuine concern for the other’s eyesight. ‘I decided to wear my contacts’ Euijoo answered, brushing some hair out of his eyes and behind his ears. If Nicholas was braver he would tuck the strand behind his ear for him but Nicholas just stared thinking of the best thing to say. ‘You should wear them more, you look good in them’ Nicholas said, trying to sound like the comment was off hand and that his heart wasn’t beating out of his chest. Euijoo paused but the blush climbing up his cheeks was impossible to ignore. He muttered a faint ‘thank you’ before getting a note book out telling NIcholas to start with the study session or whatever they were calling the excuse to sit next to each other. Nicholas chuckled to himself knowing he had found a new way to rile Euijoo up - flirting with him.
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Nicholas came up with a curated list of things to do to help Euijoo with his english. The list mainly included pick up lines and not so subtle flirting. Even if Euijoo didn’t understand what he was saying Nicholas’s mannerisms and delivery would cause him to blush, and that was Nicholas’ aim. Use his promiscuous reputation to his advantage.
Studying initially happened in the library but it wasn’t proving helpful for Nicholas' ulterior motive so he had suggested the study in one of their rooms and Euijoo agreed that they could study in his room. Being in Euijoo’s room was much more intimate than he had anticipated, there was only one chair at the desk and there wasn’t enough spare floor space for all of the books that Euijoo demanded he needed despite the fact Nicholas brought basically nothing while being the one offering the help. The room was clean, there was nothing out of place and every time Nicholas picked something up to inspect it Euijoo took it from to make sure it was placed back exactly where NIcholas had taken it from. There was something hanging in the air and there was an indivisible line that neither boy was crossing. They didn’t talk with the same carelessness that they used to. There was a tension between them that neither was brave enough to cut.
After Nicholas inspected the room he stood awkwardly in the middle of it waiting for Euijoo’s instructions. ‘Do you want to take a seat?’ he eventually said pointing towards his bed after assessing that they couldn’t really study comfortably anywhere else. The braveness Nicholas had while he was preparing the study session had all but disappeared as he watched Euijoo change out of his blazer jacket in favour of a cardigan. The fact he was in Euijoo’s room watching him get changed into something more personal is why Nicholas felt like he was being a witness to something much more intimate than Euijoo had ever allowed anyone before.
Both boys got their things out and for Nicholas that meant a single notebook of phrases that he wanted to tease Euijoo with none of which were in the thick textbook Euijoo pulled out of a drawer. Nicholas felt bad he was exploiting the one time Euijoo had asked for help on making him flustered but NIcholas had little opportunity to pursue someone he was interested even if Euijoo wasn’t interested in him in that way.
‘Hello I am Byun Euijoo’ Nicholas said as a prompt for Euijoo who rolled his eyes and repeating the phrase, his pronunciation was messy but cute in a way that showed the only other thing he knew how to say was ‘I’m good and how are you’ the grade reflected it and both boys knew it to be true. So Euijoo rolling his eyes was purely a sign of defiance reserved strictly for Nicholas.
To start Nicholas gave Euijoo a work sheet to look at. He was clearly getting stuck by the third question so Nicholas took the opportunity of Euijoo’s concentration to test the waters of making him flustered. ‘In english there are times people just say things they make up you know’ Euijoo hummed in response but clearly wasn’t listening. ‘Stuff like are you sub or dom people want to know those things its important I guess’ Nicholas rambled to move on but it was clear Euijoo wasn’t listening. So he said it again in japanese and Euijoo still didn’t react so Nicholas tried something that would always get Euijoo’s attention - he said it again but this time in korean.
Euijoo stopped writing and a pink blush started spreading up towards his ears. ‘What!?’ he spluttered out causing Nicholas to chuckle slightly at the reaction but was also embarrassed by what he had said meaning his own face had started turning red. ‘People might just say this in english but you know like top or bottom’ Nicholas regretted what he was saying as soon as it left his mouth because he realised he was asking Euijoo, a guy he had a massive crush on about his sexual preferences while sitting in his bed. Euijoo would probably just move on and looked like he was about to until he hummed. ‘I don’t understand,’ he said in english meaning Nicholas’ studying had been partially successful. Nicholas wasn’t going to explain it because for all of his feigned expertise he didn’t have a clue what he was talking about he just knew it would fluster Euijoo. ‘Nicholas, Yixiang’ he said the second part softer ‘I would just like to be held and loved… dearly if that's’ what you mean’ Euijoo looked directly at him as he said it. Nicholas tried to look away but was fixed on the other boy’s eyes hidden behind his glasses. It felt like everything had stopped moving as soon as Euijoo said his name, his real name that no one ever said.
‘Euijoo’ NIcholas said just loud enough to hear, not wanting to break the warmth in the room, if he spoke any louder the pink tint would shatter. Euijoo looked up only briefly and had a look in his eyes that told Nicholas that he wanted to hear something, the same thing Nicholas had been wanting to say all semester. ‘If you would let me… I would like to do that,’ he started confidently but with the intensity of Euijoo’s stare he abandoned his conviction and started speaking in unsure bursts. For a second there was no response, just two boys who had said everything that needed to be said transfixed on each other with only a pile of papers separating them. The gap didn’t close despite how much they both wanted it to but both boys were secure in the knowledge that they other wanted it to, eventually.
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There was a shift in their relationship. They didn’t want anyone else to know that they wanted to be around each other all the time so study sessions became more regular. Now they were more than study sessions and took on the role of dates. With the location of their school there weren't many off campus date options, especially not in the conservative countryside. Nicholas took every opportunity for his hand to brush Euijoo’s: leaning over him to pass him something, giving him a pen or sheet of paper despite the fact Euijoo had enough. Every time it made both of them laugh and it was a laugh of falling in love. It hit Nicholas one day randomly as they were sharing their favourite snacks (gummies from Taiwan) that he could imagine doing this forever with Euijoo. He knew he was in love.
Now when they studied in Euijoo’s room their feet were tangled and they were touching each other in every place that wouldn’t interfere with studying. Eventually Nicholas knocked Euijoo’s knee in the exact position that made him laugh every time. He had discovered the ticklish spot early on in knowing each other as information Euijoo freely shared about himself.
The younger burst out into a fit of giggles and NIcholas took his opportunity to tickle him in all the places he knew would make the other laugh. Euijoo’s giggles had a lightness to them that made NIcholas happy and started laughing himself. It was clear after a minute that Euijoo was getting tired, his eyes were fluttering and his giggles were dying down. Nicholas looked at him from where he had been caged between his arms and saw Euijoo who had no hesitation in his eyes so Nicholas began to close the distance.
Initially the kiss was hesitant, unsure, but Nicholas started to press Euijoo more into the bed as they both started to get lost in the feeling of being connected to each other. Eventually, they pulled away from each other but Euijoo pulled Nicholas right back for one last light kiss on the side of his lips. He opened his arms demanding a cuddle and asked ‘will you hold me?’ in a voice filled with sleep and content. Nicholas immediately complied and cuddled Euijoo with just enough pressure to feel safe.
‘You know’ Nicholas began waiting for a response from Euijoo that he had heard him. His response was a sleepy ‘what’ followed by a quiet yawn ‘I think you were below me would that make you a bottom’ Nicholas concluded. Euijoo laughed and lightly hit the other. Neither of them really knew what any of it meant but it was what got them to that moment with Euijoo entirely defenceless and Nicholas protecting him from everything. No matter what anyone else thought Nicholas would love him and hold him.
Two lines collided but it wasn’t much of a collision at all; it was two things that were always meant to be falling into place. There were two people who were happy about being stuck in at catholic all boys school. Nicholas had only just realised that where he had always wanted to be was next to Euijoo not parallel, but connected for as long as life would let them.