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When he entered the adjoining room, he saw her silhouette on the windowsill.
Typical. Whenever anything particularly horrible had happened with the Ajin they were supposed to monitor or , in less censored words, catch and deliver to the police, she did not take to it too well.
He called it "weak", for the lack of a better word, in a monotonous, disinterested voice and at the same time and pretended not to feel any pity for her, but the pretending was becoming harder with every time.
"Why are you here?" Shimomura asked quietly. She sounded curious, if anything, her voice devoid of anger or blame. She didn't turn around.
He thought that he should have been prepared and come equipped with an appropriate reply.
However, Tosaki Yuu did not have one.
"Why are you awake?" he returned the question, adjusting his glasses.
"I did not sleep...too well." she replied after a while, pausing and apparently remedying her statement before she might have said something wrong.
"Don't talk too much." he'd warned her more often than not, "Don't say too much. Don't you dare."
She nodded every time, promising not to, and yet it happened.
When discovering new information or hearing personal recounts of encounters with Ajin or the procedures the researchers put them through, she had episodes where she got either too excited or too upset to retain a neutral demeanour. Whenever something traitorous, something a little too much, something that could potentially endanger the state of secrecy they both had to hold up slipped past her lips, she would blush a fierce scarlet even before he could click his tongue in annoyance.
"What my assistant means is that." he'd add every single time, mandatory damage control that worked wonders, that within a matter of seconds or at the latest a change of topics seemed to make each one of their conversational partners forget the moment of strangeness.
For an Ajin, someone who was personally involved in the entire affair, she was handling it well, he had to admit to himself. But well wasn't enough when both of their reputations depended on her performance. Sometimes he would not mention the incident again. On other times he would use the opportunity for her to learn- a subtly or not so subtly placed threat and a verbal reminder in what positions she was in, and how easily it would be for her to lose that privilege, if she ruined his plans.
It was more than enough to leave an impression. But Shimomura was not an emotional woman, she was tough and very intelligent, a quiet shadow that he had gotten completely used to having around him. It had been a little startling to see her almost cry.
"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, watching her while making sure to keep his distance.
She glanced behind herself. Her lips were pulled into a tight frown. The sparse moonlight that barely lit up a fraction of the wooden floorboards was not bright enough to tell whether she had cried. Shimomura turned away again.
"I don't remember." she said, quietly.
"Liar." He thought, realizing too late that he had spoken aloud.
She twitched, startled, caught. The moon lit up a little brighter and he took notice that the back of her nightshirt was drenched in sweat.
The knowledge that he was right brought only minimal satisfaction.
Ajin can also get sick, was what shot through his mind. In the corner of his eye he saw a wardrobe, and without hesitation walked towards it.
"Tosaki-san?"
He ignored her startled input, opened the doors and scanned the rows of clothes.
"Do you not have any spare night wear?" he asked. Except a row of suits, there was barely anything on the shelves. It was true that they were staying at this residence only for two weeks, but even for the amount of time it was barely anything.
"Tosaki-san!" she interjected, sounding a little embarrassed this time, "I'm fine, I don't need any."
"You will catch a cold like this." he replied, unfazed. Shimomura looked away again.
"So you have noticed." she merely said.
He did not know what to reply. He closed the door, suddenly feeling as though he had intruded on her privacy.
"What was it about?"
"The dream?" Shimomura asked, without any pretence.
That was one of the things he truly appreciated about her. When it was important, she was straight to the point, even if she had to sacrifice personal comfort for it.
"Yes, the dream." he asked, stepping closer., until he was standing by her side.
It was a crescent moon that hung over the sky, in such a perfect shape that it could have been a drawing for a bedtime story.
"Torture." Shimomura whispered.
Tosaki closed his eyes for a moment, fists clenching and fingers digging into the flesh of his palm.
"I'm sorry." he said quietly. He could not look at her. The anguish on her face would have ridden up the guilt even higher in him. He could already feel its presence, and that was bad enough.
A job such as the one they were in charge of did not leave time for any thoughts of blame.
"Don't apologize, Tosaki-san." she replied, sounding surprised, "I know you...only said it in the heat of the moment."
She sounded hopeful. She was too optimistic for their little world of experimentation and loss, and endless cruelty.
"I said it because I was mad at that cocky bastard." he muttered, resting his palms on the windowsill.
She patted it twice, encouraging him to join her but he shook his head.
"I'm fine." Letting her have the better seat without having to accommodate him helped to make him feel absolved of only the tiniest bit of guilt.
"Nagai Kei, you mean." she answered, looking at him.
"Yes. Nagai." he replied coolly.
"Nagai was tortured, Tosaki-san. He's still in High School." Shimomura said, her tone incredibly cautious.
"He is an Ajin. His age does not matter." he snapped, "Remember all the trouble he caused us? Having to chase him and his accomplice across the country. As a respectable member of society- he should have simply turned himself in.
Shimomura hummed. He knew her enough to realize it was not in agreement, but to indicate that she had heard and understood him.
"And to top it off, he escaped again." Tosaki continued. He shook his head angrily.
Shimomura shifted on the sill, so that her back was completely to the wall.
"He is still so young." she said, large, dark yes flicking up to meet his. "But old enough to know what happens to Ajin in this county. He has even experienced it by now." She shuddered. He suppressed the urge to draw her in an embrace and apologize.
"He ran away while he had the chance." she continued, "Forgive me, Tosaki-san, but I- I would have done the same if I was in his shoes."
Tosaki scoffed. "Do you think it is safe to have an out of control Ajin with his IBM roam the country?"
"No." she sighed, "But..But what if it had been different"
She swallowed. "If we had not let him be tortured, then he wouldn't have run away again."
Anger flared up in him.
"What on earth do you suggest, Shimomura-kun?" She flinched at the formal address, "This is our job. The job you have signed up for, precisely."
"I know." she whispered again.
"Would you like to resign?" Tosaki asked coldly.
"No." she replied.
"Good. Then there is no need for this conversation, and any what ifs." He did his best to sound angry, but felt thoroughly deflated. He sighed.
"Let's do something before you do become ill." he said, and before she could interject had already stripped off his shirt.
Her eyes grew wide as he dangled it in front of her.
"Change." he commanded.
She flushed, more rapidly than he'd expected.
"But not if you-" she stammered, and Tosaki rolled his eyes.
"I'll turn around." he said, and did, crossing his arms behind his back uncomfortably, as he heard the rustle of fabric and her soft breaths in the background.
"I'm...decent, Tossaki-san." came the response he'd awaited.
Shimomura still looked quite embarassed, now clothed only in his grey nightshirt which was too large for her. He was startled at the way in which her appearance seemed to affect him as well, brought up confusing feelings. He cleared his throat.
"Better, isn't it?" he asked, and Shimomura nodded, bowing her head.
"Much better, thank you." she said, giving him a hint of a smile.
Tosaki did sit down on the windowsill this time, joining her in observing the night outside, indulging in the feeling of companionship that the moment brought about.
"You can't save everyone." he said, finally, into the void of silence, running a hand through his silver hair.
"Nagai needs to look out for himself now. We have a government and we have rules, and they're for the protection of the public. They're all you need to live by."
Shimomura rested her head on her knees.
"I know, Tosaki-san." she said, softly.
"Then what do you not understand?" he said, sliding a little backwards so that he could lean against the wall as well. He eyed her vigilantly.
Shimomura sighed, struggling with words. When she did speak, quietly and cautiously, she avoided his gaze. "If he wouldn't be all on his own, then there would be no need to protect anyone from him. If he learned to control his powers. If he had support."
"From whom? Satou?" he said, sharply. If she confirmed it- well, then he would rightfully pretend to be angry, but feel relieved on the inside. If she denied it- then it would be another different, nonetheless terrible matter.
"From us." she whispered.
He felt his heart drop.
Until the last second, he'd hoped she would save both of them this very idea.
" Who else than our committee? Who else than us?
Who else does he have who might protect him, and save him from even more- torture-"
"Shimomura-"
"It's him we should be protecting, if anyone-" the words died on her lips as his glare finally silenced her.
The sting of betrayal at her idealism faded as soon as it had come, and Tosaki couldn't bring himself to scold her.
She was not completely wrong. He would never admit to such a thing, though.
"Don't let me hear you say that again." was all he said, exhausted, resting his head against the cooling touch of the tapestry.
She shook her head in agreement. "Never." she said.
Liar, he thought, with a kindling fondness, Liar.
He did not call her out on it, this time.