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The Black family moved from France to a small lake town when Regulus was very young. Regulus remembered the all-American town that unfolded outside the car window–the red and orange leaves falling from the trees and the children beyond the white picket fences playing in the front yards–and how those children stopped to stare as his family’s limousine drove by. Tears had welled up in Regulus’s eyes, little drops that blurred his vision. He did not whimper or cry out–his father had coached that out of him by the ripe age of six. His older brother Sirius, almost a mirror image of Regulus with his black curls that fell across his pale skin and silvery-blue eyes, gripped his hand. It was a small comfort in such a strange place.
Still, their mother’s gaze snapped to him, sharp and calculated. A frown was etched on her face, and her dark brows furrowed. “Arrête.” Stop, she said harshly in French, reaching a hand out to pinch Regulus’s cheek roughly. He closed his eyes and willed the tears away strongly, so as not to incur more of his parents' wrath. He longed for his mother’s love, for some comforting words and his home, and a loving brush to wipe his tears away. None came.
When he opened his eyes again, the tears were gone. And he watched the strange town roll out in front of him, wishing instead he was viewing the countryside of France.
***
The first time Regulus saw James was a month later, when the cold of November in Vermont had settled deep into his bones. Regulus had spent the entire fall season practicing his lacrosse skills in his backyard, the high fence ensuring he was alone and away from prying eyes. He would throw the ball hundreds of times at the wall, getting better and better at catching it on the rebound. His mind settled when it was just him in the backyard, practicing the lacrosse drills in peace. Sirius on the other hand had blossomed in the new environment, constantly escaping the darkness of their home to go play with the neighbors. One of these boys was James, younger than Sirius but older than Regulus, with a dimpled grin and dark hair that curled in every direction like a bird's nest. Sirius would leave the house when he had finished his work with the governess, and run through the town with James until the sun went to sleep. When Regulus wasn’t practicing lacrosse, he was studying. He would remain in the house, clutching his books and watching Sirius and James play outside the window. He stared at the two until his eyes were dry and the governess placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Arrête de traîner.” Stop lingering, the governess chastised in French, her sharp nails digging into the skin in his shoulder. “Je ne tolérerai pas une telle paresse." I won’t tolerate such laziness. The governess brought Regulus back to continue his work, but not before Regulus glanced outside one last time, thinking that Sirius and James looked like little kings, ruling over a town that wasn’t really theirs.
Sirius always came home from James’s before dinner and sneaked into Regulus’s room after curfew, cringing at the incriminating squeak of the door. The two of them sat on Regulus’s bed, a flashlight in between them, as Sirius talked in excited whispers about his and James’s adventures.
“You wouldn’t believe it!” Sirius gushed about his latest quest with James. “James and I found the coolest creek ever! There was a huge tree, taller than our house! And it was across the water like a pirate plank!” He used exaggerated hand gestures, waving his arms around to highlight their mischief. He went on about the pranks he and James had played, the places they explored, how they had charmed the local clerk into giving them free treats, and how James had given a cute girl flowers.
What felt like hours later, they both laid back on the bed, giggling at Sirius’s theatrics. Sirius sighed, a small smile playing at his lips. “James’s just the best. We talked a bit about you today, you know? He keeps calling you Reg.” Sirius shifted so he was on his side, and could whisper sneakily in his ear. “I think it's because he says it funny.”
Regulus hummed, turning the idea of ‘Reg’ over in his mind. Bashfully, even though only Sirius was there, Regulus spoke: “I like Reg.”
Sirius grinned triumphantly. “Then I like it too!” And that was that, Sirius went on talking about the adventures he wanted to go on tomorrow with James, and Regulus settled into the comfort of his brother’s presence.
The affection Sirius held for James shone clearly in the warmth of his smile and the glitter in his eyes. And because he was his older brother, and Regulus liked anything Sirius liked, Regulus loved James too, even though he didn’t really know him. But he knew of James through his older brother and sometimes, when he saw James in the neighborhood, he would shyly wave.
James normally waved back, with absolutely no shyness, and a brilliant grin with a missing front tooth. He always made the point to smile at Regulus when he saw him, even though he was just his best friend’s little brother. Sometimes Regulus would try to join the two, and would inevitably trail behind them when he couldn’t keep up. He despised how he couldn’t keep up with the taller boys, and the one time he had tried had ended bloody. Regulus had pumped his legs faster, trying to keep up with his brother. He felt the rush of wind against his face, and momentarily, he was freer than he had ever been, flying away from his oppressive home and towards his brother.
The brief freedom came to an immediate halt when he felt his foot catch on the uneven pavement, bringing his soaring spirit crashing to the ground. The pain itself wasn’t jarring to Regulus–he was removed from pain after years of experience with his father’s cruel hand and the bite of his mother’s diamond ring–but the concern present on James’s face afterwards was perplexing. The slight pinch of his lips and the knitted brows wasn’t an expression Regulus was very familiar with. He wasn’t used to the attention that James paid him, and Regulus blushed, from embarrassment and something fluttering in his stomach. It was a strange and unwelcome new feeling, like his nerves and excitement were fizzing up together, tangling up his heart with his stomach. Regulus thought he might be sick.
Sirius bounded back over to the two of them, having gone to fetch a bandaid from James’s house just a few driveways down the road; Regulus hadn’t even realized he had left. James had taken the colorful bandaid–much more fun than anything he would have had at home–and put it on Regulus’s bloody knee, making everything feel better.
That day, he understood why James was his brother’s favorite person. Selfishly though, he still wished it were him.
***
Despite being a year younger than Sirius and James, his advanced schoolwork with the governess meant that the three were entering the same grade. His parents, like all of the other overly rich residents of their neighborhood, shipped him and Sirius off to a pretentious boarding school. They didn’t give the two of them an extra long hug at the airport when dropping them off–as James’s parents did–but rather a stern look that read don’t mess up. Regulus was likely as relieved to be rid of them as they were of him. Still, he had been excited to finally be in the same classes as both James and Sirius for the first time. It was naive of me, Regulus thought, to assume this would have brought the three of us closer together. Instead, James and Sirius had a shared schedule, and again, Regulus was the one left behind.
Over the months, Regulus witnessed his brother's heroic tales in person. Instead of finding them charming as he did in the privacy of his bedroom, he found the pranks loud and obnoxious. He especially began to find James obnoxious, as he laughed and loved loudly, and Regulus did so rarely at all.
This is where the gap started–with Regulus on one side of the canyon and Sirius and James on another. Because they had become an and. It was unlikely to see Sirius without James. The gap got larger and larger, the crevice so deep that Regulus feared whatever monsters lurked in the shadows below. Regulus slowly began to hate James, even though he liked how the boy smiled, because he had stolen his brother. He sympathized with the abandoned Calypso, bitter about Odysseus leJamesng her behind. He too was bitter. He felt his anger coil in his stomach like a snake, poised and ready to strike.
It was even worse to enter boarding school and be separated from Sirius. Before, when he woke up strangled by panic, he would slip from his own bed to his older brother’s. Now, when the night terrors ripped him from sleep, he lay paralyzed in his bed, the tangled bedsheets around him like bindings, keeping him prisoner in his own mind.
Sometimes, he dreamed about the pain. His father would grab his arm–sometimes it was Sirius’s arm–and wrench him to the floor. Everything after that would occur in glimpses. Sirius lying on the floor, arm bent at an inhumane angle, and blood pooling on the ground below him. Bruises on pale skin and the sounds of bone cracking. Trying to breathe with a broken rib, and sucking in air with a stabbing feeling in his chest.
Most times, he dreamt about the darkness. His parents were cruel and obsessive. They had spent their life studying Greek mythology, and Regulus was convinced they drew inspiration for their wickedness from ancient Greece as well. Their favorite was locking Regulus in the small space beneath the staircase. He rotted in the darkness so long he felt like had soaked into his pores. They didn’t bother with food during this time, so the hunger festered to the point it became its own entity. Sometimes he pretended it made him feel less alone in the pitch black, like someone else was sitting next to him.
Sirius would try to sneak food to him, slipping little bits beneath the crack under the door–not much more than a granola bar fit. Still, at least he had his brother.
Now, he lay awake staring at the patterns of stars through the window. He listened to his roommates’ breathing to remind himself he was not alone, and looked at the moon to remember the light. He wished on a star that passed by, but his brother did not appear.
The next morning he watched Sirius and James walk into the cafeteria, arms thrown over each other's shoulders and heads thrown back in laughter.
The snake in his gut coiled tighter.
***
The lacrosse ball slammed into the wall with a loud thud, the impact echoing through the empty practice field. Regulus went through the same motions he had been doing for years, but his movements were quicker and sharper than they were when he had first started. He caught the ball on the rebound, feeling the natural weight of it in his stick as if it were just another appendage.
Under the night sky was his favorite time to practice, when it was just him on the field alone with his sport. The stars twinkled above him and he inhaled some of the crisp night air before he again threw his weight forward, launching the ball at the wall.
“Nice one, Reg,” a voice called out from a few feet away from him. Regulus startled and missed the ball when it came back at him. It rolled away dejectedly on the grass and the dark haired boy turned with a huff.
“What are you doing, James?” James sat perched on the stone wall encircling the field, swinging his legs back and forth as if it were a normal thing to do. His own lacrosse stick twirled in his hands.
“I wanted to see what you were up to.” James punctuated his speech by hopping from the wall and landing easily on the grass. “Figured I could join you in lacrosse.”
Regulus narrowed his eyes. “How did you know I’d be playing lacrosse?”
James leaned on his stick and snorted. “Not exactly rocket science. You’re always out here.”
Regulus bristled and James’s eyes tracked the movement. He watched Regulus with a look that seemed more perceptive than a 14-year-old should be, tilting his head before straightening and walking closer. He scooped the ball up from the grass, tossing it a little in his hand. “Want a partner?”
“I’m good.”
“Yeah, you are,” James chuckled, seemingly to himself. “But you’d be even better if you had someone real to practice against. C’mon, I’ve gotta be better than a wall, right?”
“Hardly.”
James only grinned in response. Regulus snatched the lacrosse ball from his hand and turned back to the wall in front of him. “Sirius’s in the dorm. Go bother him.”
James lingered for a moment, his smile faltering slightly. He took a step back towards the wall a few feet down. “Okay… yeah. See you tomorrow?”
Regulus didn’t bother turning around. “Maybe.”
He didn’t look, but he heard James jump back over the wall, and felt the loneliness sink into him like a stone to a lake.
***
Unsurprisingly, Regulus ended up on the same lacrosse team as James. Lacrosse had been Reg’s escape, from his father’s forceful hand and his mother’s biting words. Whenever the pressure of his parents became too much, swelling up inside of him like a tidewave threatening to break down a dam, he took to the field. He ran and ran until he was all out of breath, chest heaving and sucking in breath like it was through a straw.
The first year of boarding school, they made the team. Apparently taking Sirius from me wasn’t enough for James, Reg had thought then, he had to steal my safe haven too.
But oh, it was so much worse now, Reg thought. In their junior year, James went and was named team captain. It made Reg feel like he swallowed a mouthful of vinegar.
Reg was scowling into the blank space when James stood in front of the team and clapped his hands together.
“All right everyone,” James’s voice cut through the cold morning air, much deeper than it had been years before when they had first met. “You all played a great last game, and I’m proud of all of you. But we could’ve played better. I want us focusing on communication today during drills.”
Was it Reg’s imagination, or did the captain look at him directly for that last part?
James looked at him again and gave him a crooked smile. Reg just raised an eyebrow. Unperturbed, James looked around to the rest of their team. “Let’s do this,” he said, and the team scattered like ants.
They all spent hours on the field, long enough that the crisp air of the early morning began to swelter. They ran through passing drills, one on one defense, and scrimmages. Reg fought the instinct to just grab the ball and run towards the net on his own; he may not have been the strongest guy on the team, but he was the fastest. Still, unfortunately, James was right–the team hadn’t communicated well in the last game, and it cost them goals. Most of that might’ve been him.
So he sucked it up, called his teammates names, and passed the ball. Reg watched as the practice scoreboard ticked upward and upward, climbing higher the more he worked with his teammates. Watching the numbers climb made his chest feel lighter, but he wanted to grit his teeth knowing it was because of James’s advice.
When his muscles were burning and screaming for a reprieve, Regulus jogged to the side of the field. He grabbed his water bottle and squirted some into his mouth to quench the thirst. Someone clapped him on the shoulder. He flinched, hard, squeezing some of the water onto his face.
“You’re an ace, Black!” His teammate, Frank, was grinning at him, brown hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. “That sniper shot you did to the back of the net? Crazy.”
Despite himself, Regulus found himself grinning in return. “Thanks, Longbottom.”
“The rest of the boys are going out tonight, you should join.”
“Maybe.”
Someone else grabbed Jason by the back of his jersey, yanking him into another boisterous conversation. Regulus released a breath, letting his shoulders fall, as he was met with the calm silence. He watched his teammates laugh with each other for a few minutes, content to be around their happiness, chuckling when someone made a particularly funny joke.
Someone jogged up next to him, ripping him out of the moment. James didn’t hit him on the shoulder when he approached, which Regulus appreciated. It put a bitter taste in his mouth though, that James knew not to. He was best friends with Sirius, so of course he knew about the screaming and the shadowy figures that loomed in their past.
James gave him a soft smile, the gentleness softening his eyes. “You were amazing. The team played better because of you.”
The ‘thank you’ got tangled in Regulus’s throat. He stared at James in silence for a moment.
James took this as permission to continue. “And if you ever want to practice together, we can come out sometime. I’m here if you need me–”
Regulus scowled abruptly, the momentary happiness escaping instantaneously. He didn’t want or need James’s pity, especially because Regulus knew James was just giving it out because he was his best friend’s brother. He grabbed his stuff and started for the locker rooms. “If you wanted someone who cared, you came to the wrong brother.”
***
It was another year before Regulus finally accepted his teammates’ invitation to go out. Everytime he turned them down, he saw the light dim in their eyes just slightly. He worried that if he said no one more time, they might stop asking.
Which at the moment, Regulus thought, surrounded by yelling drunks in a sports bar, I think I would have preferred.
He was uncomfortable, not used to being around such an animated crowd. The entire bar was packed wall to wall, and Regulus felt like a sardine. Some truly atrocious Christmas decorations hung in the corner, including a plastic Christmas tree that seemed to be broken in half. The smell of stale beer lingered in the air, threatening to make him nauseous. Someone bumped into him from the side, shoving him into the table top. An empty glass got pushed off from the impact, and it shattered on the dirty floor, its loud crashing sound ringing through the lively room.
An invisible hand gripped his throat and pushed the air from his lungs. Regulus stood rapidly, so fast he was scared the chair would clatter to the ground behind him. He pushed his way from the bar, fighting through the sweaty crowd. Regulus felt instant relief when he stepped out the door, even though the cold slapped him in the face and shocked the air from his lungs. He slid down the grimy brick wall, trying to catch his breath. The world was muted around him, and the edges of his vision were blurry. Christmas lights hung on the opposite building, melting into streaks of color as his vision went out of focus. Regulus sat there like that, on the dirty alleyway floor, and tuned out the world around.
“Can I touch you?” A voice cut through the fog.
Regulus forced himself to focus on the voice, following it like Theseus followed Ariadne’s string through the labyrinth.
Regulus’ slowly focused onto James’s gentle, concerned face. The golden glow of the lights made James’s brown skin look warm and radiant. His brows drew together in concern. Regulus’s eyes flickered over James’s kind face, searching for all the familiarities. He took in James’s slightly crooked nose–from when Sirius had accidentally broken it while wrestling–and the small dot on his chin. Reg counted all of the ways James’s face was known to him, and felt the tension in his shoulders ease.
James gave Regulus a soft smile of relief. The Christmas lights reflected in James’s deep brown eyes, bringing out the twinkling mischief within them. “Are you okay?” James asked, his voice as gentle as his eyes.
Something snapped inside of Regulus, some bit of hurt that was too potent. He knew he sounded like a whiny child when he sharply asked, “Why would you care?”
James did a double take, clearly shocked by the question. He looked confused, but Regulus couldn’t fathom why he would be. “I care.”
“Just because Sirius is your best friend,” Regulus started harshly. The resentment leaked through his words, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore, not when the lights around him were so bright and the stench of stale beer was so potent. “But just because my brother asked you to look after me doesn’t give you the right to play guardian–”
“He didn’t ask me to look after you,” James snapped. It was odd to see him be anything other than bubbly and happy, but clearly something Regulus said had struck a chord. Regulus was really good at that, poking out people’s sore points and striking at them, even if accidentally. “And I’m not doing it because of Sirius. I care about you, Reg. I’ve always cared.”
He wasn’t quite sure what to think about that. He thought of when they were children and James had bandaged his knee, how that had made his young heart swell. And then he thought some more, of how James and Sirius became a notorious troublemaking duo so that he’d had to watch all of the fun from the sidelines.
“Why?” Regulus whispered, betraying himself. He felt like the kid with the scraped knee all over again.
“Because you’re you.” The corner of James’s mouth quirked upwards. “You’re brilliant, Reg. And kind, I’ve seen how you tutored the younger years. You’re a wicked lacrosse player and an amazing teammate. And even though you always tease me, I think you’re the funniest person around.”
“You may be mental,” was all Regulus could say in response.
James snorted.
“See? I love it when you insult me.”
This time, Regulus couldn’t even think of a response. He took in the dirty floor he sat upon, and then the boy squatting in front of him.
“Okay.”
James gave him a look that said he understood his simple response, and all of the meanings beneath it.
James offered him a hand–a way up from the dark place he resided–and Regulus took it.
***
In his senior year, Coach made Regulus and James co-captains. Regulus isn’t quite sure why he got it, besides maybe the fact he balanced out James’s cheeriness.
Regulus walked onto the field the night of their last game. The crowd was roaring, waving the school’s colors on flags all throughout the stands. Some of the students shook signs that said dumb things like “Our Sticks are Better than Yours.”
He smiled to himself, and waved to some of the people he recognized. These were the only times Regulus didn’t mind the noise. James walked by his side, joking with Frank and laughing when he spotted Sirius in the stands waving a sign that had ‘James’ and ‘Regulus’ on it. It warmed something in Regulus’s chest to see his brother supporting him. Regulus let his silver-eyes trail over the crowds, logging the faces he knew and those he didn’t. When he spotted them, his brain stuttered to a stop. He felt his muscles locking up as he stopped on the field abruptly. The stick in his hands suddenly felt foreign. In the background, he was aware of James stopping after him, giving him a curious look. But all he could focus on was his parents, sitting stern faced in the stands.
A minute ago, he was on the field. Now he was little again, standing in a dark house, suffocating under the pressure of their gazes. He saw shadowy figures looming, and he was still scared of their claws. In his mind, he heard glass shattering and his brother’s screams, and all he felt was pain.
“Hey,” James said, breaking Regulus out of the trance. James’s eyes followed Regulus’s gaze, his mouth tightening when he landed on the Blacks.
Regulus chose not to respond to James. The students in the stands still erupted with spirit, but Regulus focused on the two in the stands who had never deigned to grace them with their presence before. His parents looked older than the last time he had seen them. Their frown lines burrowed deeper into their skin and they were shorter than the giants he had built up in his head.
Regulus had no idea why they had shown up to his game. Perhaps it was some strange ploy for control. They had done that before, in his second year at school, arriving unannounced to meet with his chemistry teacher about his poor test results. But whatever their reason for being here, they would be sorely disappointed. He did not care about anything they had to say.
Regulus tore his eyes from the subject of his nightmares to James, from the people who were supposed to love him unconditionally to the man who actually did. He reached out, brushing his pinky finger softly against James’s for one last reminder he wasn’t alone. The corner of James’s eyes crinkled, and he locked their pinkies together, a gentle secret.
“It's weird…” Regulus searched for the words. “I spent so long being afraid… And now they’re just like strangers.”
James didn’t say anything in response, but he didn’t have to. Regulus ignored his parents and continued onto the field. When the whistle blew, he didn’t look at the stands again.
Regulus had his teammates. He had his brother. He even had James. He no longer felt like Atlas holding the burden of the sky on his shoulders. It was enough.